I'm sorry you find yourself here although you won't find a better place to be in a sukky situation. I apologize as I haven't read your thread but I did see your question.
The key to getting through anger and resentment is time and digging deep. I see your BD was only a month and a half ago so you are still very new to this. Take your time to feel everything. You will have good days and bad days during this process but I promise it does get better. Unfortunately you can't wave a wand and say "anger and resentment be gone!!"
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I'm sorry you find yourself here although you won't find a better place to be in a sukky situation. I apologize as I haven't read your thread but I did see your question.
The key to getting through anger and resentment is time and digging deep. I see your BD was only a month and a half ago so you are still very new to this. Take your time to feel everything. You will have good days and bad days during this process but I promise it does get better. Unfortunately you can't wave a wand and say "anger and resentment be gone!!"
Hang in there!
Thanks for your reply, Georgia. It has been a huge relief finding these boards!
Thanks for your encouragement. When you say dig deep, is there anything I could be doing or thinking about that would help me move past the anger? Since finding DB I'm definitely feeling a lot better, but I feel like the resentment and anger's holding me back right now. Ha, if only there were a magic wand!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Hijack alert......Occassionally, I find myself feeling resentful that I paid the bills for the vast majority of our marriage while h worked sporadically. I paid for kids to go to daycare when he was unemployed because he couldn't "take it." He took naps each day and played video games. My xh is not a bad guy, just kind of lazy and has been enabled his entire life. I enabled him too and at BD was told "I doubted he would come through and didn't support him." I feel pangs where I think he got a job so he could leave and It felt like that was a slap in the face. However, he did what he thought he needed to do. I will do what I need to do to support my children.
And you know what? I have no one to blame but myself for that. I did what I thought was right and best for my family. If I didn't like it then I should have spoken up. So when that resentment pops up (and it does) I just remind myself that what he does/did doesn't define the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to live my life with anger or bitterness.
Patience (I'm not good at that) and taking a look at the kind of person you truly want to be are immensely helpful in this process. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 01/26/1502:55 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hijack alert......Occassionally, I find myself feeling resentful that I paid the bills for the vast majority of our marriage while h worked sporadically. I paid for kids to go to daycare when he was unemployed because he couldn't "take it." He took naps each day and played video games. My xh is not a bad guy, just kind of lazy and has been enabled his entire life. I enabled him too and at BD was told "I doubted he would come through and didn't support him." I feel pangs where I think he got a job so he could leave and It felt like that was a slap in the face. However, he did what he thought he needed to do. I will do what I need to do to support my children.
And you know what? I have no one to blame but myself for that. I did what I thought was right and best for my family. If I didn't like it then I should have spoken up. So when that resentment pops up (and it does) I just remind myself that what he does/did doesn't define the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to live my life with anger or bitterness.
Patience (I'm not good at that) and taking a look at the kind of person you truly want to be are immensely helpful in this process. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal.
Oh, I can see why that would make you angry/resentful Georgia. I think I'd feel the same too! I guess if we take DB-ing lessons to heart then it really doesn't make sense to feel resentful because the only person we have control over is ourselves... (Although I'm also struggling with my own regrets)
Thanks Georgia, I'm not so good at patience, well I can be patient with others but not so much with myself. My friends have advised me to kick him out, never speak to him again etc. - but I know in my heart of hearts that is not the person (angry & bitter) I want to be, however angry I am, I want to forgive and heal and love without any expectations. (When I really dug deep, and spent a few days on introspection a few days ago - just before I read DR - the thing that really kept coming up was just that I want to love H, regardless of what happens, and without any expectations.) It's just hard getting to the point where I know I want to go...but I guess having sight of the goal is the beginning of the journey?
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Go to Staples and buy and EASY button.
Let me know how that works?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Susana I find your H confusing as well. From my experience most men will have $ex if they can. Especially one in his twenties. I too feel suspicious that there may be an OW lurking around.
It is confusing when he is saying he wants out but then wants to have tickle fests on the couch. It's hard to detach when that happens. My ex was getting closer to me a couple of months back. He even kissed me a few times. He did say he held back ML so he wouldn't feel guilty. It's not nice to be looked at as an option.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Susana I find your H confusing as well. From my experience most men will have $ex if they can. Especially one in his twenties. I too feel suspicious that there may be an OW lurking around.
It is confusing when he is saying he wants out but then wants to have tickle fests on the couch. It's hard to detach when that happens. My ex was getting closer to me a couple of months back. He even kissed me a few times. He did say he held back ML so he wouldn't feel guilty. It's not nice to be looked at as an option.
Thanks for the reply, karma. Are there any signs of an OW to look out for? Well, I don't know if he'd always if he could, I have a much higher $ex drive than him and he is pretty picky about sex (when, where, can anyone hear etc.), much more than me, but I do find it really odd he'd initiate a tickle fight and get turned on and then not try to go any further. So far I haven't picked up on anything but I don't want to snoop and I definitely don't want to grill him about his whereabouts (I've never done that). I'm fairly certain I've been cheated on in a prior R but I had a "gut feel" there (the way he snuck around, the way he talked about an ex) that I'm not getting here.
What did your H mean when he said he felt guilty (so held back from ML)? Why?
I have asked a few close friends if they think there might be an OW in my sitch. They said they don't think so because he agreed to MC (I don't know if that means anything though), he came with me overseas for Xmas to visit family, and because he would have moved out by now if there were. We rent so it would be very easy to move out, but I asked him to stay in this apartment together a bit longer while I sort finances out (neither of us can afford rent here on our own). But then he needs to sort his own finances out (AFAIK, unless of course there is an OW who he's planning to move in with or something).
However I am getting more suspicious as more and more people have mentioned possibility. Still, I can't really imagine him in a long term PA/EA. But I could see him doing something stupid and having a one off one night thing. In fact, the night he dropped the bomb, he started sobbing out of nowhere (seriously, he was saying ILY and kissing me and holding my hand one second, sobbing a minute later) and was crying so much he couldnt speak, and I really, really thought he was going to say he'd cheated (I thought he'd stupidly had one night of drunken $ex or something), but he didn't, he dropped the bomb instead.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I'm getting more and more suspicious of an affair, but I think it's causing me to backslide on my 180s. When H came in today, I was in the midst of contemplating whether there was an OW, and I thought I was being friendly but reserved (not telling him much about my day), but maybe I came across as cold, because he got really angry and accused me of being 'mean and grumpy' and not answering his questions or speaking to him. Things quickly got into an atmosphere of tension... We sort of resolved it but it still wasn't a good evening.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
My ex said he was still attracted to me and wanted to ML. He held back because he wants to date others. He said he knew I'd get mad if he slept with me and then dated someone. The nonsense of a MLC'er. If you still have feelings for me and are attracted to me after 9 yrs together it makes no sense that u would want to date others. Ugh!
It sounds like ur H. Is maybe attracted to someone or has had an A. His behaviour may be in part Guilt. Does he chat online?
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
My ex said he was still attracted to me and wanted to ML. He held back because he wants to date others. He said he knew I'd get mad if he slept with me and then dated someone. The nonsense of a MLC'er. If you still have feelings for me and are attracted to me after 9 yrs together it makes no sense that u would want to date others. Ugh!
It sounds like ur H. Is maybe attracted to someone or has had an A. His behaviour may be in part Guilt. Does he chat online?
Oh wow! That really doesn't make sense, sounds like crazy talk! I don't know much about MLC's (although I did think at first my H was having some sort of crisis but he's too young for MLC) but I guess what they say doesn't really make much sense?! Sounds a little bit though like a convo I had with H, in which he told me he still loves me, is still attracted to me, and doesn't want to be with anyone else (nor does he want me to). Huh?? Why on earth do you want a D then?
He does sometimes seem to be acting guilty, but I wasn't sure if he feels guilty for ending the M or what. As far as I know, he doesn't chat, but I don't really know, we are both quite private and have our own laptops and smartphones and don't know the passwords to each other's. I've always trusted him, nor have I ever felt compelled to snoop. Now for the first time, I want to, but I can't! I'm slightly ashamed to admit that for the first time, I went through some of his stuff in the house (his dresser) - there is absolutely nothing of interest in there, though. He has been on his phone a lot lately, but every time I've seen he's just been watching a Youtube video or reading an article or FB messaging his best friend (a guy).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
It has been a huge relief finding these boards! 
