Avoiding the Darkside ... Tales of the Jedi

[uRworthy]

Beautiful, Luke. Really and truly.

It has really been an honor to watch you walk your journey. I believe with all I have that this is one we were meant to go on.

You are a very special, man, my friend.

I have no doubt that you will continue to grow and learn. That's what really matters.

You will find a place that feels right to you when you are ready regarding what you allow her to do and what you dont.

As long as the decisions are made with clarity and honor, you are ok.

Cant wait to see where you land, sweetie.

[mleigh4]

Cali- While I read your posts, I smile and nod my head because I so relate, I am so there with you. Although different things are happening in our sitches, we seem to be in very similar places on our own journeys. I am really proud of the way you handle things, I think you are doing great.

I am the same with my H, I let him drop the ball on his parental responsibilities over and over. But its not for H, it's for S. I feel he needs me and my stability right now. I figure once I feel things settle a little and H can pull himself together a bit more, I will need to put my foot down. I guess I am waiting to make sure I am comfortable that the time is right.

Stay strong, I am looking forward to you finding a nice place for you and S

[daring]

Hey Cali- I'm sorry to hear about the mediation. I know all too well that feeling of getting an email with papers in it. Over time it does get better. You cycle through those emotions a lot, and each time a little less intense.
I identify so much with your thought that many times you did things to avoid a fight and lost yourself in that process. I did the same. I didn't stand up for myself and getting the respect and treatment I deserved. Crazy to think as I'm very strong. But somewhere we all got sucked into the vortex of day to day. We have an opportunity now to love ourselves as much as we did others.
I know in my heart God has big plans for you and regardless of who it's with- you will find joy.

[CaliGuy]

uR- I am at a loss really ....Thank you from the bottom of my heart..... I constantly think about the sitch and realize ... no way I would have made these changes without all this happening ... there is a part that will time from time yell at God saying "Ok .. I changed, I am all better, make this go away" but I know there are still things that need to be done, I don't understand it right now as I know I am still in the middle of the storm, one day I hope to look back and realize this was how it had to be.

mleigh- Yes our sitches are very similar, there are differences but out time lines seem to be linked somewhat. Its strange, there are times I am at peace, other times it hurts ... but I know I have to just "be" ... don't get to high, and avoid getting to down. I would do anything for S, was a time I would do anything for W but I have to hold myself back for both our sakes ... I read its like letting them go riding a bike .. you have to let them be free and see what kind of tree they can run into.

daring- Yeah .. was a gut punch, and I still can not believe its going down but I know that logic part of my brain knows this has to happen. Maybe she gets a sense it all can really be over ... maybe the freedom releases me in her mind as the blockade to her happiness ... or maybe she is just better off with OW and he fills the needs she has now ... I do not have the answers, all I know is this is part of the process and it has to happen. I am slowly finding me ... dusting my old self off and combining hi mwith the new version, I like him so far.

[CaliGuy]

Just a little update.

Dropped off S this morning, I was fighting the "Bleh's" ... but went into fake it mode walking up the stairs. S was amped up as he typically is with me, W still reads me like a book.... I told her I was fighting the headache (Wasn't a lie .. but did not tell her about the Bleh's) I asked how she was .. she said she strained her neck planking. I hugged S goodbye, W and I talked briefly about his birthday dinner that he wanted us 3 to have next week, trying to figure out where ... short but pleasant.
She TM me asking if I would be taking him to a B-day party of his friends that is scheduled Sunday (SuperBowl) I told her I could, I just need the adress .... she sent it ... I told her after he and I were going to the lake, shared how he told me this morning he wanted to ride his bike 20 miles to school this morning. She asked I send pictures of it when we go ... so I sent a video I took last weekend. She replied "Wow, I'm so proud of him, sorry to miss that"

I thought about that ... just as I was working .. of all those little things I will miss while he is off with her .. things she will miss while he is with me, shame really ... but .. not my choice, I've done all I can do, and time will tell what happens with all this. So I started filling out more of the mediation paperwork, there is a section of things I would like to discuss ... I put alot there. S school, its private and expensive, I want to make sure he is still going to go there, and that the costs are 50/50 ... there was a bank account that is now empty, again ... that needs to be addressed. Just alot of things .. things she will be upset that I have called her out on .. but she has gone through a good chunk of money that A) I am not wanting to be responsible for ... B) That was marital $$ and should be put back. As I thought about this ... I went into my life insurance policy ... W was 100% beneficiary, with her latest demonstration of financial responsibility I changed it ... she gets 25% and S 75% when he becomes 18. If I go ... I want him to have something to show for it ... not trusting she would be good with that money at the moment.

She TM me later actually asking about my headache ... I just shake my head ... not sure where this is coming from, not reading into it nor going to let myself get sucked in.

I sent some of the mediation paperwork off, I still need to gather some more on the bank accounts and loans. Looking into pulling my car off the auto insurance, still need her to release my phone so I will have my own account back. I also need to get the copy of our taxes for mediation. Just lining up my cute yellow little duckies .... and then its all up to her if she wants to proceed with the D

The apartment hunt has been ... well .. going. I need to house the polar-bear sized dog ... that has proven to be a hurdle .. I also need a garage so I can not pay the rent on the storage container .. roll that money into the rent. still .. its more than I wanted but I can swing it ... I have time, I do not see the house selling right off, and even when it does I have 45-60 days as the owner is looking to place a contingency plan to give her time to buy and move into a new place.

So ... moods .. I have been in a funk the past few days .. but at work I am ok, stay busy ... the lows are not as low nor as long... but the last few nights I have been waking up around 2 ... thoughts of the sitch ... get back to sleep pretty fast ... but the annoying part is I have been waking up about 20 minutes before my alarm ... grrrrrr ...lol

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke, the blehs are going around, Im afraid.

Let me get the business part out of the way. Dont know how it works where you live, but, where I live, any monies spent, as long as you are married, even if separate, is gone and does not have to be repaid. Any debt incurred, is half yours.

I learned that the hard way. Trust me on that. I hope it doesnt hold true where you are.

But you should absolutely be fair in what is coming to you and what is coming to her. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself.

Now, about how you feel...all normal feelings. The reality of the legal finality of your marriage in its present form, is gonna sting some. No way around that.

And yea, you and she are going to miss out on some stuff with son and that su*ks. Without a doubt.

But that being said, he will be ok. I know you know that. And so will you be.

Its ok to sit with a funk for a bit, as long as you dont live there, right?

There is still more to your journey. I can promise you that one day you will see completely what it has all meant and why it has to happen on your end. Cant know why it happened on her end.

I wish you could see what I see, Luke. How far you've come, how much you've changed and grown. Man, is it cool.

Keep walking the path that you're on...it's the one that leads you home.

[Lifes Twists]

I would make the argument that when the separation started that and debt incurred by you is yours and any she incurred is hers. As long as the agreement is written that way then the court will agree to it. So, it is worth fighting for. I just went through this and that is what happened. And this is in a state that still favors women in divorce. Regardless of how things generally go, if you can both agree to it then the court will favor that.

[CaliGuy]

I would make the argument that when the separation started that and debt incurred by you is yours and any she incurred is hers. As long as the agreement is written that way then the court will agree to it. So, it is worth fighting for. I just went through this and that is what happened. And this is in a state that still favors women in divorce. Regardless of how things generally go, if you can both agree to it then the court will favor that.

Well I was thinking the same thing. We are in mediation and she still has no idea I bought the Harley ... which I will fully take on and have no thoughts that would be her debt in any way ... just as I feel any clothes/cameras she has bought (and its been considerable) would be my debt ... I would think thats not going to be an issue .... but MLC and all ... and her selfish entitled ways might prove otherwise ... time will tell. She said last week she wanted to do this amicably and I blurted out ... "Amicably as in your way?" ... I thought it was funny but seemed she assumed they were one in the same .... which in turn made me find it more hilarious.

[CaliGuy]

Update ...

She seems to be softening up lately ... the moods ... just in general ... maybe the mediation and her nearing freedom is a reason .. who knows. I picked up S from school and on the way home he starts in asking what he can do when we get to my place (He has about an hour before W picks him up on her days) SO I ofcourse pick character building things like .. pick up dog poop in the back yard ... anything to avoid him jumping on the video game as he gets upset he has to quit mid game when she arrives. He asked if he could ride his bike .... I smiled and said sure ... such a nice thing to see him really take to it, its now fun for him and took me to my childhood when a bike meant freedom ... I rode mine all over the place.
So after the ride W shows up as I was cooking my dinner, I walk them out ... S is bouncing all over the place full of pride as he is riding his big boy bike finally... she asks me how I am .... asks about my headache (I have been getting them off and on for a bit ... I am sure its vision related but have to wait a month to save some $$ for the frames) I assured her I was fine, S and I had a nice time ... she blurts out "What if its serious, what if its cancer" ... I was like ... really? Last time when I didnt know .. actually thought it might be serious as the Dr scared the crap out of me .. I went in for every scan test you could think of ... the W in full MLC glory was more concerned I increased the life insurance policy .... ironically I just moved a good chunk to make sure S would have it yesterday.

So I go back inside and have my dinner at the table alone .. Chicken Fajitas ... this guy can cook, I realized that I used to cook all the time before BD, I mean like 5-6 times a week, I loved it ... the past year, maybe 2-3 a month ... Just never felt comfortable in someone elses kitchen ... so I started thinking about how that would change, S was talking the other day about all the stuff we cooked together and was looking forward to that ... I must admit I am too ... new place can not get here fast enough.

I watched a few shows .. jumped in the shower and noticed W TM "are you awake?"... was about 10 or so .. I figured eh .. I am not really wanting to stay up and get into anything with her at the moment ... I am officially asleep. So I jump in bed and drift off .... phone rings at like 11 ... guess who... I thought maybe there was an emergency ... nope .. she apologized for waking me up, again was asking about my headache .. I told her I was fine just needed to sleep, told her goodnight and hung up the phone. I went to bed thinking .. really? Just a week or so ago she was making sure I knew she didnt care about me ... now she is all over me over a headache? MLC ... I will compose a song about you one day and horribly sing it in the shower for all to hear.
I woke up before the alarm ... again ... look at my phone to see what time it was ... still had 45 min, and there was a 1:00 TM from W "Anxiety attack, can't sleep" .... I got up and put my lunch together ... cleaned up a bit ... I TM her back letting her know I hope she got some sleep. Went into work ... she replied that she didnt sleep much .. apologized for waking me.. she was going to keep S at home and was going to try to rest a bit.

I am not going to mindread, its dawned on me its impossible to do so, that head is a forest full of creepy crawly things. Looking at the calendar its not her PMS season ... laugh and mock at me tracking her PMS but its proven essential in scheduling me getting my spew jacket dry cleaned... That is due to hit around S birthday. Maybe she is/has been processing things ... maybe not I have no idea, time will tell. I have some documents for the mediation to ask her for but there is a part of me wondering if that is what has her spinning a bit. I stayed back thankfully .. was not eager to jump and fix/rescue ... her sandbox, her journey.

So ... today I have a couple quick things to do in the office .. will shop a bit more for apartments ... keep at my project Clean-Sweep in the back .. I am in a good place today.

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke...if I had to guess, I would say she is spinning over the mediation. I have seen that many times. Where they have doubts come over them as it gets more real.

But, thats a guess because I cant get in her head. Nor would I want to cuz its crazy all up in there.

She seems to feel as if she will still have you to go to when she is feeling anxious or upset. Just an observation.

The spinning..is just that. Be prepared for spew to come back...it's just how this goes.