Hello, I apologize but there is no way for this post to be short. I deployed in January of 2014 my W of 4 years begged me not to go. I actually had to choice to stay or go. I ended up talking her into being ok with me going. I thought this was best for us and my career. Things seemed to go as good as they could while there. I missed her terribly, in June she flew to Italy and we toured Venice and then Croatia. Things where perfect. In august she asked me if she could start doing acrobatics with a guy she worked with at the gym. I said baby go for it if it takes your mind off of me being gone.biggest mistake ever!!!! She started doing acrobatics daily. She became distsntand she started hanging with her friends allot. Around September one month before I was set to come home she called me crying sayin she missed me so much and she was tired of feeling so sad, lonely, and empty. She said she felt vulnerable. But at that moment I did not know what I could do about it. I asked her to be strong and know that I will be home in a month. I SaiD just continue to do things to take your mind off the time. Things seemed to get better. I returned home October 25th. My wife seemed like the same amazing loving wife At first but when I met her at the airport she hugged me a sobbed a little more than I expected, I felt like somthing was off but I didn't say anything. two days after I came home I was playing on her tablet and OM sends her a text saying he misses her and was hoping to hear from her. I instantly was like what is this and what is going on. She admitted that her and brian had been texting back and forth and it had crossed the line. She was just so lonely and it felt good to get attention. I instantly did the wrong thing. I made demands that she stop talking to this man all together and only see him at work and acro. She agreed to my face but the very next day emailed him about the incident and told him to just email from now on. Man this hurt. I could tell by the emails things were more than friends. And there is problem #2 for me i spied on her emails and texts. We went on a trip for Halloween that same day I was angry and hurt and I let it show. We had a major fight that night. In the morning we talked and she admitted to kissing him once and she felt horrible about it and they talked. And knew it could never happen again. We made up and went on my post deployment R&R trip for almost 3 weeks. Everything was amazing and seemed to get back to normal. She was her normal self. But as soon as we came back eveything changed. OM sent her an email saying he loved her and wanted her to leave me. This started the true downward spiral. We would fight often and I would get hurt and angry because she would do everything behind my back. She changed all her passwords and everything. She started seeing a psychologist and so did I with the intent of also going together. Her psychologist convinced her that he felt this man was just an emotional attachment because I preyed on her while she was extremely vulnerable. She decided to have no contact with him for an entire month and see how she felt. During this time she admitted to me to sleeping with him in september. She went through extreme depression the first few days, but she seemed be getting better. But she refused to avoid her part time job where he works as well. She claimed if she didn't talk to him it wouldn't matter. And no matter what myself or anyone said she wouldn't hear it. We made it less than two weeks. On the 15th of Jan. She bought him a birthday card. My birthday is the 18th his is the 16th. I did not receive a card and i found a receipt on the 19th while cleaning she lied at first then came clean. I decided I had to leave even though we were not done with the one month. We met two days later and had a nice talk. Although she blamed it on me saying i gave up on the month thing and that it was only a card. When asked if she felt anything everytime she saw him she said yes. So i said so we were doomed from the start because you knowingly continued to see him even if it's not talking. She got really angry at that. But She had broken her promise. So we decided that if we had not talked within two months we would meet and see were we are at. She Said she needed space to fix herself and find herself. Within 3 days she was back to talking and going to acrobatics with brian. I talked with her on the 23rd and she asked if we could at least keep the lines of communication open and be cordial. I asked her what her plans are and if she is planning on finding how things would Be with brian she said no I'm just trying to take care of myslef and try and find a way to be happy again. That night she stayed with brian and she has been with him ever since. I am at a lose on what to do. I just need help to see me through this. We were always inseparable and best friends. A few weeks ago she was crying harder then I have ever seen. And she said baby why didn't you listen to me about deployment. I needed you here and I wish you never would have gone. Then she said how can we ever get back what we had. Thank you in advance for your advice.
Hello, I apologize but there is no way for this post to be short. I deployed in January of 2014 my W of 4 years begged me not to go. I actually had to choice to stay or go. I ended up talking her into being ok with me going. I thought this was best for us and my career. Things seemed to go as good as they could while there. I missed her terribly, in June she flew to Italy and we toured Venice and then Croatia. Things where perfect. In august she asked me if she could start doing acrobatics with a guy she worked with at the gym. I said baby go for it if it takes your mind off of me being gone.biggest mistake ever!!!! She started doing acrobatics daily. She became distsntand she started hanging with her friends allot. Around September one month before I was set to come home she called me crying sayin she missed me so much and she was tired of feeling so sad, lonely, and empty. She said she felt vulnerable. But at that moment I did not know what I could do about it. I asked her to be strong and know that I will be home in a month. I SaiD just continue to do things to take your mind off the time. Things seemed to get better. I returned home October 25th. My wife seemed like the same amazing loving wife At first but when I met her at the airport she hugged me a sobbed a little more than I expected, I felt like somthing was off but I didn't say anything. two days after I came home I was playing on her tablet and OM sends her a text saying he misses her and was hoping to hear from her. I instantly was like what is this and what is going on. She admitted that her and brian had been texting back and forth and it had crossed the line. She was just so lonely and it felt good to get attention. I instantly did the wrong thing. I made demands that she stop talking to this man all together and only see him at work and acro. She agreed to my face but the very next day emailed him about the incident and told him to just email from now on. Man this hurt. I could tell by the emails things were more than friends. And there is problem #2 for me i spied on her emails and texts. We went on a trip for Halloween that same day I was angry and hurt and I let it show. We had a major fight that night. In the morning we talked and she admitted to kissing him once and she felt horrible about it and they talked. And knew it could never happen again. We made up and went on my post deployment R&R trip for almost 3 weeks. Everything was amazing and seemed to get back to normal. She was her normal self. But as soon as we came back eveything changed. OM sent her an email saying he loved her and wanted her to leave me. This started the true downward spiral. We would fight often and I would get hurt and angry because she would do everything behind my back. She changed all her passwords and everything. She started seeing a psychologist and so did I with the intent of also going together. Her psychologist convinced her that he felt this man was just an emotional attachment because I preyed on her while she was extremely vulnerable. She decided to have no contact with him for an entire month and see how she felt. During this time she admitted to me to sleeping with him in september. She went through extreme depression the first few days, but she seemed be getting better. But she refused to avoid her part time job where he works as well. She claimed if she didn't talk to him it wouldn't matter. And no matter what myself or anyone said she wouldn't hear it. We made it less than two weeks. On the 15th of Jan. She bought him a birthday card. My birthday is the 18th his is the 16th. I did not receive a card and i found a receipt on the 19th while cleaning she lied at first then came clean. I decided I had to leave even though we were not done with the one month. We met two days later and had a nice talk. Although she blamed it on me saying i gave up on the month thing and that it was only a card. When asked if she felt anything everytime she saw him she said yes. So i said so we were doomed from the start because you knowingly continued to see him even if it's not talking. She got really angry at that. But She had broken her promise. So we decided that if we had not talked within two months we would meet and see were we are at. She Said she needed space to fix herself and find herself. Within 3 days she was back to talking and going to acrobatics with brian. I talked with her on the 23rd and she asked if we could at least keep the lines of communication open and be cordial. I asked her what her plans are and if she is planning on finding how things would Be with brian she said no I'm just trying to take care of myslef and try and find a way to be happy again. That night she stayed with brian and she has been with him ever since. I am at a lose on what to do. I just need help to see me through this. We were always inseparable and best friends. A few weeks ago she was crying harder then I have ever seen. And she said baby why didn't you listen to me about deployment. I needed you here and I wish you never would have gone. Then she said how can we ever get back what we had. Thank you in advance for your advice.
I'm going to shoot real straight with you, right out of the gate, because I can tell - by the way you handled this right from the jump - that you're strong and a fighter. That's good. You're going to need those qualities - BIG time.
I instantly did the wrong thing. I made demands that she stop talking to this man all together and only see him at work and acro. Okay, careful what you see as being "wrong" and "right" right now. I like your INTENT in the "demand," but the delivery was all wrong. Understand there's a difference between being controlling and setting boundaries to protect YOURSELF. You SHOULD be convicted and decisive with your W right now. But instead of saying, "stop talking to him" - because you can't control that - you could say, "I will not live in an open M. And until you have ended all contact with OM, I will x, y and z. If you continue speaking to him, I will x, y and z." Does that make sense, broken?
You may feel right now, since it sounds like you two are S, that you won't need to create boundaries. But you probably will, so keep that in your back pocket.
And there is problem #2 for me i spied on her emails and texts. I don't see this as a problem. Your W was lying to your face. You were looking for confirmation/proof of an A. You found it. But NOW you can stop. There's nothing you can snoop for that's going to do you a bit of good. It will only hurt you from this point forward, as long as W is in an active A that you have exposed and addressed with her.
During this time she admitted to me to sleeping with him in september. I'm thankful you have this knowledge, because those of us who have been around here for a long time knew her A was physical by about, oh, your third sentence. She used all the standard "script." Dead giveaways.
She Said she needed space to fix herself and find herself. Script for a WAW.
she asked if we could at least keep the lines of communication open and be cordial. Script. This would make her feel better about herself and her actions. If you decide to be her "friend" even while she's disrespecting you to your face, it will soothe HER while YOU suffer.
I'm just trying to take care of myslef and try and find a way to be happy again. Again, script. Are you seeing it?
And she said baby why didn't you listen to me about deployment. I needed you here and I wish you never would have gone. Then she said how can we ever get back what we had. Script. And deflecting blame to make YOU feel at fault for her indiscretions. Don't buy it, broken. Not even for a second.
broken, you came out of the gate, swinging, as soon as you uncovered the A. And then it seems you lost steam when it appeared your W wasn't going to put an end to it right away. You slowly started losing your resolve and kept giving your W chance after chance after chance to change her mind.
I don't fault you for that. We've all been there. But especially for a man, if you start to act as though you're okay with an A - if you start acting like you are okay being strung along while your W cheats on you right in front of your face - she's going to lose respect for you ... and fast.
I read a lot of posts here, broken. But I don't often sense "strength and honor" coming off of men's posts when they first land here. That usually comes far later. There's something about your post that makes me realize you are head and shoulders above OM. (And not just because he's an a$shat that clearly doesn't have a moral compass because he's sleeping with another man's W.) It's going to be hard to watch your W carry on with OM. But a woman is attracted to a man who is confident and strong and decisive. I think you have those qualities. The trick is to not become a doormat, thinking it will draw your W back. A doormat isn't attractive.
Right now, your job is to GAL so you can start feeling better about YOU. Be upbeat and positive when you know you may see W. Always look your best so that you FEEL your best. Work out. Hang with the guys. Do fun, adventurous things. Act as if you are moving on with your life, regardless of what your W chooses to do with HER life. (Have you read sandi's rules here on the boards? They're gold.)
Acting upbeat and confident when you're the lowest you've likely ever felt is hard work, broken. But it's the ticket out of this hel1 you're in.
Starsky hangs out here a lot and gives the best advice for men. (I'm, for the record, not a man. Lol.) Anyway, Starsky hasn't been around for a bit because of a death in his family. But when he comes back, he'll have all kinds of amazing advice for you, including how to financially protect yourself while your W may be spending family money to carry on an A. (Which is NOT okay.) By the way, are you paying her bills - like her cell phone bill - while she's wayward? What's your financial arrangements with W?
A lot of what you'll be advised to do here feels completely counter-intuitive. It seems it'll push your W further away. As Starsky once told me, sometimes you have to take an immediate hit in the "nice" department for the greater good.
You just HAVE to trust the process, broken.
Keep posting here. You are likely on moderation, which means you will hit "submit" on your posts, but it'll take some time for them to post. That means you'll have to wait a while to correspond with people here in "real-time." The more you post, though, the quicker you'll come off of moderation. So keep talking to us, okay?
Also, the next time you post, you may want to consider adding paragraph breaks. That just makes it easier on the readers' eyes ... and more people will read your posts that way.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Train, Thank you for all the advice. Today was a good day. I have not talked to W in 3 day's. But I have been working a shift that requires me to see her once a day. No talking nothing just her driving by. The past two days I was really depressed sad and angry. But after seeing with my own eyes my W staying with OM a massive weight has left my shoulders.
Just like you said I realized that I already knew in my heart she was staying with him. I resolved to stop all worrying and just do me. So today I woke up happy and energetic for the first time in forever. The past two days she would drive right by me and I would sulk. But today I was happy smiling and laughing. She instantly changed lanes and would not drive by me.
Oh and she was wearing the jacket I bought her for christmas. Our only communication is a dry erase board on the fridge of the house. I said if you need something write it there. I said other than that go find yourself, get clarity and become happy. And I am going to live my life. Was that the wrong thing to say?
I forgot to mention that I have filed a investigation against the other military man. For adultery and un-becoming of a non-commissioned officer. So she is not happy about that! Was this a bad move. Soon the no contact order will be in force.
I have been contacted by a few members of the acrobatiks group and they all figured out on their own what is happening. They think that I make a great base for smaller women to do Arial stunts..
My question is,do you think it's too soon, and would this mess things up if wife finds out or see's me.
broken, Seems like you are on the right track, detaching. I don't think you are wrong for the investigation. I'm prior service, Army, and adultery is unbecoming of a NCO in my opinion. Hopefully, it'll result in OM shedding some of that rank into the E1 - E4 pay. That'll make him less the OM for your W. What branch of service are you in? Are you and OM in the same company, battalion, brigade, etc.? I'm assuming you're a gate guard since you have to see your wife come to work. Hopefully, you'll get a shift that doesn't merry up with when she has to come through. I'm no vet on these boards, but detaching is one thing, but I can only imagine what its like to possibly see wife with OM constantly. Stay strong.
Last edited by Arcola; 01/27/1504:05 AM.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
I said if you need something write it there. I said other than that go find yourself, get clarity and become happy. And I am going to live my life. Was that the wrong thing to say?
When you said, "Go find yourself ... become happy," is that what you really meant? Because as a woman with one foot out the door, I read that as: Okay, he's giving me permission to go find myself and find happiness, which he hasn't given me. Awesome! My H just gave me PERMISSION to go sleep with OM! Yay!
Is that the message you were trying to give her? If not, then yes, you sent the wrong message.
Listen, broken, there's a fine line between being tha man and being THE man. There's a huge difference between being cocky and confident.
As a woman, and when I put myself in your W's shoes and read the words, "I am going to live my life," I honestly scoff. Actually, I LOL. Because if you were going to "live your life," you would have never taken time to write that to me. You would have just done it.
Your WORDS don't mean a thing. Your *actions* DO. Make sense?
I forgot to mention that I have filed a investigation against the other military man. For adultery and un-becoming of a non-commissioned officer. So she is not happy about that! Was this a bad move. To me (and one or two others here)? Nope. Not a "bad" move, per se. We did it, too. Did it bring our spouses back to us immediately? No. Again, sometimes you take a hit in the "nice" department for the greater good. (Exposure of an A to employers, for the record, is absolutely NOT in line with DB/MWD's philosophy. There are other techniques that encourage it, but DB doesn't.) Starsky can speak to this once he's (hopefully) back soon, because God knows I can't replace his wisdom right now ... even though I'm trying a little in his absence. Lol (sigh). It was a risky move. Possibly a "fruitless" move, actually, at least in the short-term, for your M. It was maybe even a move that will push your W further away for a bit. But if you're going to fight for your M - and be CONSISTENT in the fight (and by that, I mean TRULY consistent, using the same tough-love approach with little-to-no wavering) - I wouldn't call it a "bad" move. My H, once he returned to our M, thanked me for fighting so hard for our M when I made moves like the one you made. Starsky's W, from what I read and he has said, said the same thing to him when she returned to their M.
I have been contacted by a few members of the acrobatiks group and they all figured out on their own what is happening. They think that I make a great base for smaller women to do Arial stunts..
My question is,do you think it's too soon, and would this mess things up if wife finds out or see's me. If I understand this correctly, you're asking if you should join the same group your W and OM are involved in? If that's the case, my advice would be a big, fat NO! Do NOT do that.
Are you trying to win your W back? Or push her further away?
What's your goal here, broken?
I sense a lot of ego and testosterone. And I LIKE that we're working with that. But pull it in and don't let it get the best of you. Make it work FOR you. Not AGAINST you.
Capeesh?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Ok, deep breath... I am struggling detaching and still staying invested. As far as the go find clarity, at that time it was on the premise she was staying with a friend and she just needed time and space to decompress. not him, I did not want to give the impression of "go do what you want including him." So my question would be how to correct this. As far as the acrobatics thing they only want to work with me on Mondays. Days that W and OM are not there. If this really is a bad idea I will stop. I want to do what is best to get my marriage back.
I have begun to make my GAL in hopes that it will keep me occupied and excited for the future. I am going out this weekend to buy new outfits and that cologne she loves. I am hurt, resentful and angry but I still immensely love my wife and I know that this happened in a moment of weakness. But now she is acting without any regard for anyone's feelings but her own. I will continue the tough love approach. Thank you very much.
