Seems unrealistic for you to find a place to live that can accommodate 3 kids when you have custody while you don't have a job.
Yep. Totally unrealistic. She has offered to buy me out of my share of the house and to do so in incremental monthly payments that would cover my living expenses -- that's how badly she wants me out of the house ASAP. I have agreed to the total amount for the buyout but have refused to accept those buyout terms on the grounds that I want to know that I can fully support myself (with a fulltime job) without relying on payments from her to do so.
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Have you had any discussion as to how you will share custody? Also who is currently the primary child care provider, who does the lunches, follows up on homework and test, takes them to practices...
We are planning 50/50, week on/week off split. Right now I am the primary caregiver although she does take them to sports practices. Her MLC behavior (and I suspect depression symptoms) result in her sleeping late every morning (so I am doing all of the work getting them ready for school and off to school) and coming home from work late after I've already put them to bed (which means I pick up from school, make dinner and feed them, handle baths, homework, reading before bed, and tucking in.)
She also pays for everything except for the utilities that are in my name and my health insurance. Up until October when my parttime work and consulting work started to really drop off, I also bought all of our groceries each week, and while I still run that errand every week I am using one of her cards to make those purchases because I no longer have the income to cover it.
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Maybe to help releave your W of "some pressure" you could suggest a temporary Irish Divorce for the next few months where you live in separate bedrooms and don't speak but stay in the same house?
She's been sleeping on the sofa since BD. Her choice, but she uses it as a "poor me" excuse when talking to friends and some family about the sitch. We have a guest bedroom that she could use -- but it's easier to make people feel sorry for her if she can complain about still being on the sofa. Again -- her choice. I never kicked her out of the master bedroom and never told her that she had to stay on the sofa instead of the guest bedroom.
I have offered the option of something called birdnesting where we rent a one-bedroom apartment and swap out weeks -- one week she's in house with the kids and I'm in the apartment and the next week she's in the apartment while I'm in the house with the kids. I offered this as a temporary solution that would be the least disruptive option for the kids (who ARE the most innocent victims of her MLC) as it places the weekly moving around burden on the adults instead of the kids. She just rolled her eyes at that concept - she didn't say no, but didn't say yes or that she'd think about it either. She only wants to implement her own ideas about how to handle all of this -- she likes to control everything and wants a solid plan/timeline... And one of my 180s is to not allow her to control everything with this sitch. She has chosen an outcome (separation/divorce) that leaves me no choice -- so I am pushing back to have some choice in the how, when, where of everything related to separation/divorce. And this is making her very frustrated and angry with me.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I too like the idea of bird nesting. But the Mlc never goes for that - it requires too much grown up behavior and actuAl co-parenting
They also have so much anger for the lbs that sharing the house and apartment even temporarily is too much for them to bear.
Since she didn't reject the bird nesting maybe suggest again when she gets back from her trip. Also hopefully you know more about work then and if you are hired full time that opens up another door but if your still in limbo the apartment sounds like a fair compromise.
Since you are the primary care giver I would consultant a lawyer regarding the 50/50 split- if you end up doing more of the care giving but calling it 50/50 it puts you at a disadvantage financially. I guess since your not legally married it might not matter but with any MLC they are always looking to make their lives easier and though she claims she wants 50/50 custody I predict it will work out that you do 75% of the parenting. Hang in there and enjoy your kids
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I think you might be right re: the 50/50 split... I can easily see us trying that and then her calling me frequently to pick up the kids from school and handle all of the evening stuff on her nights because she has to work late again.
I've already consulted with a lawyer and we are going to first work on the co-parenting plan in some joint counseling sessions with the hope that we can come to agreement on most of it before we have to pay for a mediator. We will have to work with a mediator to have the formal co-parenting agreement drawn up so it can go through the court system to be legally binding. When I suggested all of this she freaked out about going through the court system because of the legal costs -- she actually thought we should just come up with a co-parenting plan, agree on it with basically a handshake and be done with it. I am insisting on a legally binding document to protect all of us -- but of course, especially to protect myself and the kids.
Your point about MLCers not liking the bird-nesting idea makes a lot of sense... it does require an enormous amount of maturity on the part of both parents... and right now my W is acting like a 17 year old in the body of a 45 year old. My guess is that she doesn't like it because it would require her to make a sacrifice and be more of an adult than she is being right now.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just found a card that I believe she is going to give me before she leaves on her trip. I am fairly certain this is a Thank You card... Not sure what she has written inside of it, and not sure how I feel about reading it when she does give it to me or leaves it for me. I imagine she might say she is sorry for all of the pain she has caused (but if she does say that I know that right now she doesn't really feel that way -- at least not on the surface -- and she'll just be writing/saying it to try to be nice) and she'll probably thank me for allowing her to go on this trip while I stay here with the kids. I just find that funny... The MLC brain at work -- thanking me for allowing her to lie to me about where she is going and to go on a trip to another continent so she can hook up with the OW...
Okay -- have not read the contents of the card and I'm just speculating at this point... Probably shouldn't assume to know what is on the inside of it... At least I have a couple of days to prepare myself for the contents of the card before I open it.
Time for me to once again pray that at some point while she is away on this trip -- halfway around the world from her home and family -- that she will be hit with a huge guilt trip and have even a brief moment of clarity... of WTH am I doing? That probably won't happen because she is so deep in the MLC fog, but I can still pray for it...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
So she's doing some laundry and packing for her trip... Earlier today she was a tad bit Monster-like, but now she's being very nice...
I beginning to feel more emotion over this than I wanted to... I was doing really well until probably yesterday... and now I'm just feeling really sad about this... So sad that the person that I have loved for nearly 10 years -- the person who has been the most amazing love of my life, my best friend, and a soulmate -- has changed so dramatically (what seemed like overnight) and is now about to embark on a trip that is the most painful thing anyone has ever done to me. Up until about a day ago I was able to detach enough -- I was seeing the person who is going on the trip as someone else -- not my W, partner, best friend (who would never do something like this to me or our kids)... But now it's getting real...
After she leaves tomorrow there is no turning back... Her long-distance EA with a much younger woman will become a PA, and even if it isn't a sustainable A, it is still happening. I know that I am already a different person than I was 3 months ago... And after this trip, I will definitely never be the same person I was before BD.
Trying very hard to stay focused on the present moment (trying to implement a technique from a book on meditation that I read recently to help with that) and just spent about 45 minutes playing my guitar (I'm not great, but it's a fun, semi-private stress reliever) while W and S play together downstairs. Our other 2 kids are at a friend's house for a playdate and I'll be going to pick them up in a couple of hours then later we are all going out to dinner as a family (ha!)...
Not exactly sure how I'll feel after she leaves tomorrow... I'll have to keep it together for the kids because she'll leave in mid-afternoon... I know there will a tiny bit of relief from just not having to deal with her mood swings for 10 days (she is definitely a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer), but always in the back of my mind will be the reality of where she is, who she is with, and what they are doing... :-(
Trying hard to hang in here... I know in the end I will be okay... Just having a hard day/moment right now as this becomes more real...
Still keeping up the prayers that she will have some moments of clarity and WTH am I doing while she is on this trip...
Last edited by Jer2911; 01/24/1507:09 PM.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Had a flood of every emotion in the book right after she left... have been busy since then taking care of the kids and getting ready for the upcoming school week.
We did exchange a couple of emails after she left -- she had sent me an email with her flight info (just the first leg of the trip, of course) and she had left a Thank You card for me at the house. I replied to her flight info email with something like "Thanks for the info. Read your card. You are welcome. I hope the trip provides you with the space, rest, and peace to help you with everything. Don't worry about me and the kids. We will be fine. Take care, ..."
She replied back with another email thanking me again for the trip and re-stating that I shouldn't hesitate to contact her mom or a close friend to get some help if I need it, and asked that I remind the kids that she loves and misses them. I replied back to that with a very short "I will" in response to the request to remind the kids she loves and misses them. Tried to keep my replies very short and it was interesting to see her reply back with lengthier emails... Which is out of character for the MLCer she has become since the end of October.
From here on out -- we won't be communicating with each other for the next 10 days while she is on this trip.
I did slip up a tiny bit when she was about to leave the house... She gave all of the kids hugs and kisses and then walked over to me. I knew she wasn't going to hug and kiss me, so I looked up at her and she looked me in the eye and said "Thank you for letting go on this trip..." I wish I could have seen the look on my face -- I am sure it was a combination of anger, contempt, and exasperation (the thoughts running through my head were -- you really have the nerve to thank me for this considering what you are going to be doing on this trip with the OW and that you are lying to EVERYONE about where you are really going)... I just said "ok, you're welcome" but it was clear that my expression did not match my words because she said "Are you okay?" and I just shook my head and said "Yeah, I'm fine. have a good trip..." She continued to ask if I was okay and I continued to say yes -- the rest of the exchange is fuzzy now... Then just before she walked out the door I was able to recover a bit and I told her very nicely to have a safe trip and not to worry about us... and she was VERY nice as she left....
Her behavior before leaving the house and the repeated "thank you's" verbally and in writing screamed guilt with a capital G to me... But I don't think the guilt is at the conscious level at this point. I wish it were, but I really don't think it is....
So now my week begins... Already have some things planned to keep me busy (social activities with friends and for my mental/emotional/spiritual health), but also curious to see how these 10 days of zero contact between us will affect her. Maybe it won't affect her since she is so deep in Replay and madly "in love" with OW right now, but I can certainly continue to keep prayers around her and around our entire situation with the hope that something gets through to her over the next week and a half away from us -- even if it's only at the subconscious level to be retrieved/revealed later when she moves farther along through this journey.
Still no word on the job issue, but having lunch with a friend at the school district main admin building early this week with the hope that there might be some accidental run-ins with some decision-makers there (fingers crossed!)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Thanks BklynMom... I hope I did everything right with my replies. I still feel like I goofe up a bit before she left the house -- but at least I didn't have any tears in my eyes -- I am pretty sure I just looked angry and exasperated with her when she started to thank me.
I awoke this morning to a text from her -- once again thanking me for the trip, saying she had just picked up her luggage and was headed out of the airport, would talk to me next week and to give the kids hugs and kisses for her again. I have not responded to the text message. Not even a simple "thanks for letting me know you arrived safely" -- and that's usually at least what I would reply back to her on those kinds of texts.
I do hope she is already feeling some guilt and that's why she keeps thanking me and asking me to tell the kids she loves them. I know she does miss the kids, but I do hope and pray that God grants her some moments of sanity and awareness of reality on this trip... Even if those moments are brief and fleeting... I hope and pray that she begins to see what she has done/is doing -- I know she is still a long way off from truly waking up and making her way out of the tunnel, but I pray that something begins to happen on this trip to move her forward through the tunnel... I still believe that I probably have to move out of the house in order for her to really progress through the tunnel -- but I can still hope and pray for miracles!
On my end -- had a GREAT annual checkup with my doc today. She was really pleased to see a better mental and physical state of being in me compared to where I was a few months ago when I went to her to help me deal with the nervous breakdown I had after BD. Just had lunch and am about to head out to some spiritual counseling with a local clergy member.
Honestly, I am cycling up and down very quickly today (as I was over the weekend), but I am not surprised -- I am experiencing something incredibly painful that I have never in my life experienced and never expected to experience with my W. I know up until a few days ago I thought I was detached enough that I would be feeling this rush of emotions after she left, but now that it's happening I am not surprised and I am just doing my best to ride the crazy waves of the emotional storm with the hope that after a few days things will settle down again for me emotionally.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Had a great spiritual counseling session yesterday that I think is helping me with detaching more... And helping me to understand the prayers that are coming from my soul (healing for W regardless of outcome, healing for me, asking for understanding of God's will and path that I need to be taking right now) vs. the prayers that are coming from my ego (restoration of the M)...
Doing a lot to take care of myself today -- exercising, running some errands, having lunch with a friend at the school district, and then will spend some time journaling/reflecting later today before I have to go get the kids from school.
She is gone for the week on a "silent retreat" that really isn't a silent retreat -- she is using this week to deepen her escape from her issues... But I am choosing the rest of this week to give myself a semi-silent retreat (at least while the kids are at school), to continue working on myself and making some decisions about what I need to do for myself before and after she gets back from this trip.
I was also advised yesterday to spend some time this week to search myself for some answers to what boundaries I want to set now that she has taken this step (moving the EA to a PA on this trip)... What does that mean for me now that this has happened? I'm not sure what those boundaries need to be for me right now, but I do know that I need to consider the question carefully this week.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Let W go. She's on a weird journey of self-discovery that includes experimentation of all sorts of personality try-ons, dressing this and that way, and looking for that elusive "happiness" that's been inside her all along. She's lost.
You mentioned boundaries. Let's talk it out here, okay? What are you thinking here? What is it about boundaries that you are looking for and for what reasons?
