Well, I was going to go watch some TV, but had to come back to post this. My phone beeped with the text and I was thinking who was texting me this late (like 9:50 pm). To my surprise it was H… Forgot to mention that I replied to his text this afternoon where he asked me about stuff. I responded like 4 or 5 hours later (was at the meetings all afternoon) with “Sure, I can do this.” So, here is the text from H: “Thanks Bright. I appreciate it”. And then another one: “I’m sure “mutual friend name” will do too.”
Wow, H didn’t text me this late for the last 2 years at least, pretty much after BD. And for some reason he decided to acknowledge my reply.
Not making anything out of it… He is probably in the good mood due to the fabulous life he is having...
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
If he's out on FB talking about what a great time he's having, take it w/a grain of salt. There are some in this world that will get on FB and talk about all of the wonderful things they are doing and guess what? They may or may not being having such a wonderful time of life. Your h may be out there talking about all that he's doing, but he may only be doing half of those things. I, personally, wouldn't want to walk in his shoes...life's not as grand as he's making it out to be. For one thing, he's working and for another, money only goes so far.
I'm not surprised that he came back and thanked you. He's most likely in a good mood because you are doing him another favor and if he's at the condo this weekend, I'm sure he'll treat your son and his GF like old pals and be happy to see them. Then again, your h may not stay there. Time will tell as to how the weekend unfolds. I do hope that your son and GF will enjoy themselves and have a great time.
I hope that you enjoy yourself at the company party. You owe it to yourself to go and have a great time. BTW, you've come a long way since you arrived here. You may not think so, but you have.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm not surprised that he came back and thanked you. He's most likely in a good mood because you are doing him another favor and if he's at the condo this weekend, I'm sure he'll treat your son and his GF like old pals and be happy to see them.
Job, it is amazing how you have such an incredible insight! I would not say it better, treating my son and his GF like old pals. This is so H.
I’ve been sick today, stayed home and worked some, but then took an afternoon nap. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I don’t want to be miserable at the party.
So, like I said I activated my FB profile and invited a couple of GFs. Now I have this dilemma. I want to invite some people, but they are already H’s friends on FB. I cannot decide if I want to avoid having common friends or do I need to care about it. I don’t want H to think that I invited them because they are in his circle already. There are some that I would love to have in my circle, but I don’t know what to do now. Will sit on it some more.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I wouldn't worry too much about people who are friends w/your h. If the friends where your friends too, then invite them over to your FB page. They will either accept or not. Don't sweat the small stuff.
I hope you are feeling better today and can go to the party. You've been looking forward to it for a while and I would hate to see you miss it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, like I said I activated my FB profile and invited a couple of GFs. Now I have this dilemma. I want to invite some people, but they are already H’s friends on FB. I cannot decide if I want to avoid having common friends or do I need to care about it. I don’t want H to think that I invited them because they are in his circle already. There are some that I would love to have in my circle, but I don’t know what to do now. Will sit on it some more.
Just catching up on your sitch, my friend! Your H sounds like he has not changed a bit, he is still searching for that elusive "something" that will make him happy huh? But you sound quite a bit stronger and happier, well most of the time LOL.
Job is right, I don't think you should hesitate to invite YOUR mutual friends to be your friends on FB because of your H. He seems to be infiltrating your thoughts less and less as you get more detached; this will be good practice for you, because you are not quite there yet. Actually I am not sure any of us will ever get 100% detached from the person we were married to for so many years. It's harder for people with kids, and who still have their business and accounts attached like you two do. But it gets easier Bright, keep plugging away, you're doing great!
I would LOVE to be your friend on the alt! I think if you google my old DB name and occupation and town (Miller Place) you can find me listed under something like AttorneyFee. I can't believe I used to have all of that information in my signature, not too smart LOL, but it enabled some awesome people to figure out who I am and befriend me.
So....how was the party? I am betting you looked HOT
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Job, thanks for the advice. I was feeling better on Saturday. And I did go to the party with my GF. I think I was still a bit sick, so the drinks got my head pretty quick. There were some moments that I don’t remember. I managed to stay put together though. A few more people told me they liked me, LOL.
Linda, I’m so happy to see you posting to me, my friend! I think I’m following your footsteps. It took you a long time to finally detach and let your xh go. It is taking me this long too, but I can feel that I’m getting there! Thanks for the encouraging words. I will look you up on FB. I think I will need to create a separate account to connect with all the people here. I don’t think I can use my real name (even though I’m only using my first name for my account and made up last name.)
You are so right, H is still searching for that “something”. I’m not even sure what it might be at this point. He wants to live at the vacation home, but he cannot… Still has to go back to work, and pretty soon. He wants to have another R, but still ok with having joint accounts and business, and yes, filling taxes jointly again this year… Go figure… Does he just want a casual GF who would not care about this chit? If he is considering a serious R, he will have to get completely untangled from me. I just cannot see a serious R working out while still having common “business” with the W who he didn’t even divorced yet.
Some updates. Today was H’s b-day. I almost forgot about it, LOL. It popped up in my mind in the morning, then I got to the office and forgot about it again. I kept reminding myself during the day that I would need to call him at some point before I forget again. Isn’t it weird? I sent him a b-day card with my son, and I thought that this would be good enough. But, then I decided to call anyway. So, I called in the afternoon. He picked up the phone. The connection was not that good. I wished him a happy b-day and to have a great day and have fun. He thanked me. I’m not sure if he was somewhere he could not talk, or he just woke up from a nap. He sounded a bit confused. He asked about my son and his GF, if they got home safe. I told him that they were fine and that they had a lot of fun at the vacation home. He was trying to tell me that he advised them to go to a different border crossing to avoid a long wait. To which I said that they seemed to get home in a decent time and this is all I know.
Last year when I called him on his b-day he was more talkative, even told me that he was going to a place with some friends. This year, he either seemed surprised that I called, or he was not prepared, or he was not comfortable talking, or just didn’t have much to say. IDK. I made a call and went back to work. I didn’t sweat it at all.
I called my son’s GF yesterday to make sure that they arrived home safely. She told me some info about the weekend. She said that they were with the group of people my H is friends with. This is a nice group, so called snow birds, not the other drunks H hangs out with over there. So, I guess my son and GF were with H at the races and probably in other places too. Which is a good news.
At the same time, I spoke with my son today (he called about some other matter), I asked him about the weekend. He was not very open about that, like he didn’t want to talk about the details. I don’t know what it’s all about. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me. So, I need to get some info from his GF.
Forgot to mention that when I got some stuff that H asked me to send for our mutual friends, I also bought some cottage cheese for H and sent it with my son. I know he used to buy it when he was in town and took it over to the vacation home. He cannot buy it there. I just felt that I wanted to do something nice for H. After all, he brought me some special source from another state last year, and I didn’t ask for it, he just did it. So, I kind of returned the gesture. I don’t expect anything from him by the way. It was just something I wanted to do. Oh, and I sent him a very nice b-day card.
Maybe this is why he sounded so confused on the phone, haha. I don’t care. I did what I wanted to do. The rest it his problem…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Still no thanks from H for cottage cheese and no word from my mutual friends about their stuff that I sent. Weird. I was not expecting anything from H, but my friend’s silence is out of character for them. They normally don’t miss a chance to thank me for things.
Received a text from H today, asking if there was a check for the company for his last invoice. I asked him if it was supposed to arrive to PO Box that we use for business. He just answered “yes”. I said that I didn’t check it since last Friday and that I will be checking it this weekend. He replied “thanks”. So, it means he re-directed his checks to PO Box again, also meaning that he probably wants me to deposit the checks to the business account. I guess, just like Heather posted on Job’s thread, “Bright is the only one out there who can do Bright”, LOL. He cannot rely on anybody else to handle the matters for him. I think he also feels quite comfortable in terms of being sure that I would do these things for him. I don’t know if should show some teeth once in a while, so he would not get used to be so comfortable. Because if I change my mind in the future and tell him to take a hike and find somebody else to handle the things for him, he is going to be very disappointed…
Oh well, touch and goes… I don’t even react to his texts anymore, it is just like business as usual. I don’t think how to reply anymore (like I used to do), I just reply. This is huge progress, if I think about it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I do find it odd that your friends haven't contacted you about the items you sent to them. Maybe your h didn't give them the stuff? I think your h is so focused on work these days that he's completely forgotten about the cottage cheese. If you are still doing your lab testing, the next time you communicate w/him, I would ask him if the cottage cheese was the type he liked. Maybe he'll say something about it.
If you are comfortable in doing the errands, etc., for him, then continue to do them...but at some point, you'll need to make a decision as to whether to continue to do them or not. Sometimes I get the impression that you feel a bit of anger towards him asking you to do these things, i.e., taking advantage of your good nature. Bright, none of us can tell you what to do...but if the anger bubbles up when you have to do these things, then it's time to change things up a bit. You'll know when to do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, job. H is at the vacation home, so he is not working. His work is in another state up North in the US. And now he is relaxing, playing water volleyball, golfing, drinking, checking his FB, etc. So, I would say he has some free time on his hands. Well, in between all these activities... I’m sure he is trying to keep himself as busy as possible, so he doesn’t have to reflect on his life, LOL.
It could be quite possible that H didn’t give the stuff to my friends yet. After all, they have their own life (with the child who seems to be constantly sick, especially this time a year), and H has his life, full of fun and excitement.
I don’t think I’m going to ask him about the cottage cheese. I didn’t send it to him to get some kind of reaction or thank you notes. I just felt like doing something nice at the moment, that’s all. Though him not mentioning it plays right into my lab testing. Either he thinks that I’m making some moves on him and doesn’t want to give me any “hope” (poor guy), or there are still some unresolved feelings about me. For the first reason, I would say if it is the case, he is seriously stuck. Come on, after 2 ½ years and NC from me, no mention of any R with him… Plus, he did want to be friends with me after all, so why not acknowledge something I did for him. He brought me the special sauce last year, and I was happy about it and thanked him.
I guess my mind still goes into the analysis mode. I just cannot help it. At least it is not affecting me the way it used to. It truly seems like a lab experiment now.
Job, I don’t think I feel anger towards H when he asks for a favor. I don’t know. I might have some of it. I’m trying to process my feelings to see what they are. I think I feel that I’m moving away from H, and every time he contacts me with some requests it just surprises me. In my mind, if I’m finally moving away, I think that H should be way ahead of me. It doesn’t come to my mind to ask H for favors, I only do business with him. So, why does he still feel comfortable asking me?
He wanted so badly to get away from me, to start a new phase of his life. I would think that he would try to separate everything that can be separated. Yet, he still wants to maintain the car insurance together, maintain the business together, some accounts, etc. Ask me to check the mail for HIS check… Ask me to bring the stuff for our mutual friends (they could have asked me directly)… I know that car insurance would be a bit more expensive if he separates from the joint policy, but would even $200-300 a year be worth of not being entangled with me anymore? He was never “cheap” like that when it came to his principals.
Maybe he is picking out of the tunnel a little. Hence this FB thing… All of the sudden he wanted to connect to all his friends and relatives. He was in a very little contact with his siblings, nieces and nephews for years. And now they are all friends on his FB (except one nephew, who is pretty much just like H used to be in terms of personality, hence no FB presence.) Plus some people in his friend’s circle, who he would never consider to keep in touch with before. I think he is definitely looking for some attention and connection. But I think that by doing this he is also avoiding to look inside.
As for me, I feel that something is changing inside. I still have bad days. I even cried the other day, thinking about the 17 years with H, feeling sorry for myself, that I wasted the best years of my life with the man who didn’t love me enough to do this to me after what we’ve been through together, when I always had his back and was very loyal and supportive wife, even though not perfect in terms of emotional maturity and communication.
But it all passed. I didn’t even post it at the time, because next day I didn’t feel like it was important.
Like I said, there is some kind of shift that happening very slow. I don’t feel a big knot in my stomach anymore and I feel like I can breathe easier. I just keep my fingers crossed that this will continue to get better.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, You spent 17 years w/this man and if the marriage had been a bad one, the both of you would have known it a long time ago and divorced. You have to understand that if he is in crisis, it's not about you or the marriage. It's about HIM and right now he's only thinking of himself.
I think the reason that everything is staying on an even keep w/you and the things that you do for him is because you haven't rocked his boat/rattled his cage. You haven't put any pressure on him for answers and you definitely haven't made any demands of him. He's just gone off into the sunset to do his job and do whatever he wants w/o worrying about you spying on him or wanting anything from him.
Bright, had you pursued him, demanded things from him and put pressure on him about the marriage, etc., I think things would have gone down entirely different. You've pretty remained stable and quiet and he feels safe in asking you to do things for him.
I'm no expert, but I I would venture to say that this situation will remain status quo unless you start to change things up and he has to start figuring things out for himself.
I see more and more shifting w/you. You aren't reacting to his emails/texts like you use to. You are detaching a bit more and aren't over analyzing his every word or move. I think the job has helped you a lot because it keeps you busy and meeting new people has been wonderful for you. You are starting to come alive once again and as you continue to mingle w/your new friends, you'll find that your h's postcards from Mars will only be a blip on the radar screen.
Bright, things will get better...give yourself some time and don't be so hard on yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
