Birthday is tough for me too, Susan as it is tomorrow. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and it was very hard not to say, "us back". I went out with friends last night and am trying to have a positive attitude. It's just tough sometimes.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Happy early bday! Do you have plans for the day? Hope you have planned something nice and get out.
H asked me today if I'd made plans for my bday, and I just said I'd planned to go out with some friends for dinner and drinks and he said "oh...that's nice for you."
That is hard - I would be so tempted to say that too! Hope you have the best birthday you can, I know it's a really hard time though.
((()))
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Eirinn and Susana - don't you dare buy a Valentine's Day card for your Hs. That is pursuit and gifting -- both against sandi's rules. This hurts to hear, but it will mean NOTHING to them. If they want to buy you a card, so be it. If they question why you didn't, then just say, "I didn't know if it would be appropriate under the circumstances." The end, friend. Then your H will start to wonder and might even pursue you. But don't under any circumstances pursue them right now. Please. It will end up as more bad feelings on your part, and regrets and humiliation later, possibly.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Eirinn and Susana - don't you dare buy a Valentine's Day card for your Hs. That is pursuit and gifting -- both against sandi's rules. This hurts to hear, but it will mean NOTHING to them. If they want to buy you a card, so be it. If they question why you didn't, then just say, "I didn't know if it would be appropriate under the circumstances." The end, friend. Then your H will start to wonder and might even pursue you. But don't under any circumstances pursue them right now. Please. It will end up as more bad feelings on your part, and regrets and humiliation later, possibly.
Thank you for this. I really needed some straight talking right now. You're absolutely right. Thanks for stopping me before I did something stupid!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thank you Ahoy. I'm really struggling with this. For 23 years he was my best friend and I keep forgetting that I'm not supposed to be hanging with him anymore. I'm doing fairly well at not pursuing and having my own life, but I lose hope that it will work. He brought up me needing to have a full time job soon for myself which makes me think he is going to follow through on leaving. Of course then I remind myself about not believing everything he says and keeping a PA. I just never saw this coming. I will not buy a Valentine's Day card though. As a matter of fact, I have arranged to go visit my family for the weekend of Valentine's Day.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
My H was my best friend too. They just aren't those people anymore. People evolve in ways that are sometimes unexpected. You know what would surprise the heck out of your H? Is if you actually went out and applied for jobs right away, without his prodding. And moved on with your life as if you were making plans of carrying on JUST FINE without him. And you will. I know you don't feel that way yet, but you will be fine. And you will carry on.
Going away for Valentine's Day is a great idea. That way you won't sit around torturing yourself about what he's doing or thinking or what you should be doing or thinking. The less energy you expend thinking about him, and the more you focus on attaining a life for yourself independent of anything he does in the future, the better you'll be. The side effect is that it may open his eyes to what he might be losing and cause him to rethink things. But if he doesn't, you'll still be better off having set things in motion for yourself.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
You're getting some great support from my friend Ahoy.
I will add one practical suggestion ( which is my specialty)
You've been married for 23 years? See a lawyer. It has nothing to do with filing for divorce - but you need to know what to do to protect yourself. Not to sound cold and calculating, but a FT job could work against you should the worst occur. And a lawyer can give you advice about how to protect yourself. Husbands who move to another bedroom could easily walk out and sometimes they don't behave well. It won't hurt at all to get some advice about what to watch out for, ok?
I'm still new around here, but let me give you some advice, if you're willing to accept it. When Cadet told you to detach and GAL, follow those words. I struggled with thoughts of my W, still do, but once I started focusing on my S5, working on the house, getting closer to my friends, and focusing on being a stronger supervisor at work, I started to feel much better. My W just moved out today, and I'm doing pretty well with it so far, because I am remembering that I was alone and thrived before. It truly is a gift to work on myself and my relationship with S5.
Focus on YOU! Be the wife a man would be a fool to leave.
Not pursuing is difficult. For a guy like me, it was one of the hardest things in the world to not do. I still want to do it at times, but I've seen it push her away.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Erinn, how was your bday? Hope you had a nice day and managed to get out. ((()))
Going to visit family on Valentine's Day is a really good idea. I hope they'll be supportive and help you through this time. I know what you mean about losing hope it will work, I think it's important just to focus on you right now and do it for YOU, not for him. But, I also still struggle with wanting to know if it will 'work', and also I worry me getting a life will just push him further away or convince him we're happier not together. I know it's hard, but we just need to keep reminding ourselves we're doing it for us, not them.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thanks everyone for the help. It was a tense birthday because he pretended everything was normal, but there was the elephant in the room. I enjoyed focusing on my three year old though.
Susan, you are right. I'm in the same place as you trying to GAL and follow through but doubting myself too. I find myself repeating "believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does" often to myself. It seems to help me. We can do this Susan, with the wonderful support that is on this board and in the book.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
