LT, you are right on. That second paragraph describes it very well. I actually had a post last night, and before I hit submit, I deleted it. I sounded like a pathetic sap. I'm glad I deleted it. It was a down time, but I need to continue to "delete" those thoughts so I can move on.
I thing the bottom line is I am just not sure what to do with myself. I've been here, done yoga, running, working out, reading, writing, talking, sleeping, work, decorating, meditating, all sorts of stuff... but nothing is quite right. I still have this daunting emptiness. But I was better before, so.... I need to figure that out and get back to that.
I still struggle with anger. It is not in my head, it's in my body. I know that sounds weird, but I don't feel angry towards people. I mean, I don't have misguided anger. So, you would never know what's going on inside. But I can feel it, right up to my shoulders. I just don't know how to get rid of it. I feel like I need to have surgery to have it removed.
That's the frustrating thing. The fact that I just want it to go away and not feel it anymore. That I feel like I just can't figure out how to make it better. That I am just over feeling this way and want to be happy and enjoy life again.
I do. I'm not a completely miserable person, and I hate that I probably give that impression. But the quite times are daunting, but often I need to be alone.
On a more positive front... I feel good about the space. It has given me lots to think about. I have not looked out the window at all this week to see where xh is. That is huge. I am not worried at all about him being at hww. I feel nothing about it. Not my deal. I feel like, as long as he still has his mailing address and some stuff there (some of it was from my house) I can easily say.... stay away. It is just a good way for me to keep it in check. Not let my emotions steer the wheel. I can just say, as long as x than there is no y. That's just a starting point for me.
There is an obvious emptiness with this space. Already. It went so quickly, but I can't believe that it has been two months since he left hww. A lot has happened and it has been a total whirlwind.
There have been no more texts unless about kids. So yesterday I hadn't heard from him until after work. He called on his way home to see if he was supposed to p/u d13. She had a game, so it wasn't till later. He has a schedule on his desk and should know this. I know he has been busy at work, but whatev. Then he texted later to ask if s17 wanted to work out with him. He knows that is a no. S17 stopped working out with him one year ago when xh took the weights from the house. (xh used to come here and they would work out together several times a week- apparently hww was uncomfortable with that- so they have never done it again. Too bad- that also cause damage to their r).
So, he called while he was waiting for d13. He said he had been sitting there for over 30 min (since he left the gym) so he didn't have to go back to bil. He just wanted to chat. We talked for about 20 min. Then he was taking d13 to get something to eat and asked if I wanted anything. I said no thank you.
I'm going to go help my mom today. She has company coming for the weekend, and it is hard to get things ready with only one working arm. I am glad to get out of the house, but at the same time, I have to force myself. Oh man, I was always such a "people person" and now I am such an introvert. Like a hermit.
Ha. I just smiled! The thought of me being a hermit is kind of funny. OK, I am heading out. I can't wait to see how I feel when I get back. You never know. Plus the 25 mile drive alone sometimes does something to me.
LOL. As if she'd want to date a cold guy when the time comes?
Mighty, I think you're right that you're re-detaching. Only this time in a more normal way and a lot quicker. Why? Because this time he isn't running away. Last time you had a non-ending. This time doesn't appear to be that way, and it appears to be something you need. And are doing because of that.
Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, he has his choices. You have yours. You need to make yours for YOU. And you are.
But along the way, don't be surprised if it's not "over" all of a sudden. That feeling of anger and angst in your body? Good sign there's more to go. It's covert at the moment, but it's important to deal with it. That'll kill you, no joke.
A suggestion: Listen to your needs. If you need space, take it. If you get the chance to do more meditation, do it. More exercise? Do it. It'll take time, and while you are waiting, those things will help keep you healthy.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Right, AJ, I've got enough *cold* from a guy to last a lifetime!
When I left this morning, as I was pulling out, xh was arriving home at bil. I had to wait for him to pass before I pulled out. I didn't wave. Then I drove by him, and just looked in the other direction. I don't mean to be cold. I don't like that at all. I don't even do it on purpose. I just do. For whatever reason.
A couple hours later, I was still gone. Xh texted me and asked what we were up to.
No, wait. First he sent, "Hello" and that was it. I said hi. Then he asked what we were up to. I said kids were doing jobs at the house and I was still gone. He said ok.
That was that.
So as I was about to turn onto my street when I was coming home, I had to brace myself. I knew I would have to face either xh being at bil or being gone. He was gone.
It was a good reminder of why I don't want to know anything and why I don't look out my window anymore. Yuck!
But here is what I think. I was hoping that the distance would help him take a look at himself and work on some things. Maybe he will... maybe not. But, I also feel that he was definitely using my place as a place to go. He does not like being at bil, and is seeking a place. So, I think this is also why he would go from here to hww's. Maybe. And, now perhaps he will spend more time there. Well.... that's on him and nothing I can do about it. But, hopefully he will still find a way to work on him.
I feel like maybe I see that more clearly since he was looking to see if we were around and since I wasn't, he went there? I mean, truthfully I don't know where he is, but... well.... I don't know.
Maybe it is good for him to really be "stuck" at bil for him to take a good look around at where he is. Can't do it for him. If my boundaries help move him, bonus. If they don't......
If he does imply that he wants to hang around, I think I can simply let him know that if he wants to spend time with me, he will find a way. It needs to be right, and as long as he is still twisted up with that disaster, it's not happening.
It can be hard to be strong. And AJ, as you said I should listen to my needs... that can be hard. Because wants sometimes sing louder than needs. But, I need to focus on needs. Like, the big picture... what I want in the long run will come more aptly through current needs, not wants.
I am OK. I will be OK. I just wish it were stinkin' easier sometimes!
First, d13 said that while I was gone earlier xh came over and was asking a million questions like where i was, why I was at my mom's , what the plans were for today.... whatever.
Anyway, a few minutes later I was reading something and i didn't realize that d13 had called xh. All of a sudden I heard her talking on the phone for a second asking, "Where are you?" Then the convo was over. She was like UGH! to me and s17. We were confused and asked her what was wrong. She said she called xh and asked where he was. He said, "With the baby," and she hung up.
So, he is there, I just don't want to know. But, then s17 asked, "Does he go to that house to see the baby?" And, "Is he still paying for the house?" I just said, yes, he goes there, but it is best to ask those questions to his dad.
The kids were kind of annoyed, but that was the last of it.
Hww is probably saying things about d13 hanging up. She is asking why the kids dont go see the baby. She just doesn't get it.
Blah..... not even going to think about it.
But, it was a good reminder to stay strong later, when, I'm sure, I will hear from him.
I was hoping that the distance would help him take a look at himself and work on some things.
So, I think this is also why he would go from here to hww's. Maybe. And, now perhaps he will spend more time there.
I feel like maybe I see that more clearly since he was looking to see if we were around and since I wasn't, he went there? I mean, truthfully I don't know where he is, but... well.... I don't know.
Maybe it is good for him to really be "stuck" at bil for him to take a good look around at where he is.
If he does imply that he wants to hang around, I think I can simply let him know that if he wants to spend time with me, he will find a way.
So, he is there, I just don't want to know.
Hww is probably saying things about d13 hanging up. She is asking why the kids dont go see the baby. She just doesn't get it.
Sweetie, all of that ^^^^ is crazy making. I know its hard with him next door, but, you are going to make yourself nuts with those kinds of thoughts. I know that you are trying really hard. But until you really and truly let go, you are going to continue to go round and round.
He feels he needs to be there for the baby. It is what it is, right?
Its time for you to really believe that he needs to do this on his own. And maybe one day, his path will lead back to you and you can decide what you want. But for right now, you gotta let him go. You have to love him enough to do that..you have to love you enough to do that, too.
I know it isnt easy. I just hate to see you having these thoughts. You getting space cannot be with the hope that it makes a difference to him. It has to be for you.
I know you have been through a tsunami, but, you need to find your footing. Take some time. Figure out how to find your center. Let him go and get back on your path.
People are people, my friend. They are going to do what they are going to do. Nothing we can do to stop that. All we can do is control our actions.
Hey, uR. You are right. Being inside this head ain't easy! I want to let go. I hope he works things out. I do. But I am well aware I have no control over it.
And it isn't about him being with the baby. It's the fact that he is still so tangled up w HWW. And until he untangles from that... Or if he does... I don't want anything to do with it.
It would be easy for me to say that I can ignore that sitch and let him figure it out and still be around him.... But it's not good for me. And until he knows what he wants and makes good choices to make that happen... I don't want to know.
That's why I don't look or try to communicate- it makes my mind do dumb stuff.
You are so right on, uR. And I get it... Just trying to make that happen.
Mighty, I care about you. Thats where this next bit comes from. I read the words that you write, but, your actions and mindset dont really match them.
I dont pretend to know what it is like for you. I cant imagine. But I do know where you need to get to in order to feel peace. I want so much for you to get there. I believe you will.
You wrote this....
Originally Posted By: Mighty
I hope he works things out. I do. But I am well aware I have no control over it.
And it isn't about him being with the baby. It's the fact that he is still so tangled up w HWW. And until he untangles from that... Or if he does... I don't want anything to do with it.
And also this...do you see how they dont line up?
Originally Posted By: Mighty
I was hoping that the distance would help him take a look at himself and work on some things.
And this….
Originally Posted By: Mighty
So, I think this is also why he would go from here to hww's. Maybe. And, now perhaps he will spend more time there.
And this…
Originally Posted By: Mighty
I feel like maybe I see that more clearly since he was looking to see if we were around and since I wasn't, he went there? I mean, truthfully I don't know where he is, but... well.... I don't know. Maybe it is good for him to really be "stuck" at bil for him totake a good look around at where he is.
You wrote this…
Originally Posted By: Mighty
If he does imply that he wants to hang around, I think I can simply let him know that if he wants to spend time with me, he will find a way.
This ^^^^^ doesn’t jive with you letting him figure his stuff out, M.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
Hww is probably saying things about d13 hanging up. She is asking why the kids dont go see the baby. She just doesn't get it.
This ^^^^ is not good for you…at all, in any way.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
That's why I don't look or try to communicate- it makes my mind do dumb stuff.
Yet you are mindreading everything he is doing or saying..every text, every time his car isn’t there.
I know you want to find a way to detach. I can feel it. My fear is that you think you are, when you really aren’t. You are still very invested in his words and actions. You analyze it all. You try to figure it out. You get upset that he may be there. As I said, I get it, but I don’t want it for you, my friend.
I see you going around and around. Trying to see what things mean. Hoping that you stepping back is going to have an effect on him. That isn’t the road I want to see you take.
You have to decide, each and every day, that you are going to live your life for you and your children. You have to decide that you cannot control the outcome. You cannot control his crisis or his choices. You just cant, Mighty.
This was a journey he was meant to go on. More importantly, it was one you were. Let go of trying to understand it. Let go of looking to see where he is at on his journey. Live your life, Mighty. Fill it with things that bring you joy. We only get this one. The sooner you let go, the sooner you get to peace.
