WAH - gone almost 1 year, still so hard.

[swoop]

Keep calm cool and collected, AT ALL COSTS. Do this, for two reasons. First, a negotiation that gets heated will never end well, and nothing will get settled. It will just add an extra layer of conflict, for the next encounter. Not to mention, you are also DBing, so you will want to keep the conflict down as much as possible. Light, friendly and fluffy. You can even do this when talking about finances, so do your best. Make SURE to use your validation skills, and really listen to what he has to say. Remember, validating doesn't necessarily mean agreeing. If there are things you are thinking, "no F'ing way", it might be better to say, "I will take that into consideration. I will need some time to process it fully. Let me get back to you on that". Use "I" sentences, rather than "You" sentences. "I do not like the financial burden I am in", rather than "you put this financial burden on me!", for example. It is also very important to keep any boundaries you need in place, and ultimately you have to keep your best interest in mind. DO NOT make any financial considerations, based on the hopes you will reconcile. The nuts and bolts of this negotiation is, battling for what you feel is fair for YOU. That is about the only advice I can give, Stacey. I blew mine over and over and over again. Mine usually ended in an argument with nothing being agreed upon, so be warned. It happens. Try to avoid it all costs. Showing that you can work through difficulties, fairly and without anger, is a great 180 for most of us. Remember, you are the wife only a fool would leave. Best of luck!


In regards to your GAL, I also enjoy those stay at home, "couples" activities you mention. I love nothing more than curling up on the couch with some takeout food and enjoying a movie with my partner. Here's the deal, I wasn't doing THAT, when I met my partner. I am sure you get where I am going here. You have to break outside of your comfort zone, or your life will remain in neutral, Stacey. Nobody is going to knock on your door and want to come read a book with you. You have to go meet people and DO things. That is how this whole process of "getting a life" starts. I have beat you with a pillow about this for a while. Don't make me break out the real 2x4's! Get your butt out there and GAL! No more excuses. I am still waiting for your list!

[stacey9]

Thanks SP, I read your post several times before he came over.

It was all about him. He can't afford to keep paying mortgage while awaiting the separation agreement being drawn up. He has paid x amount of money over the last year and has nothing to show for it. I am so lucky the house will be mine after all of this.

I resisted the urge to scream at him that I have been the one paying all the bills and looking after the kids over the past year. And yes I will have the house, but at a huge cost. I tried to keep it light, I nodded in the right places and did not agree to do anything but think about things.

Just as he was leaving he mentioned cancelling the mortgage payments with the bank. I think he is just trying to frighten me. He wants me to just sign the agreement without digging deeper and getting everything I am fully entitled to.

He could hardly even look at me throughout this. I spoke about a couple of things going on in the house that would normally have interested him, but he couldn't care less. This all seems to be about him getting money from me to help finance his fun new life. He also tried to get me to feel sorry for him - poor, poor him having to start again from scratch and try and buy a home of his own. But it was him who said 3 times during the conversation that he knows it was his choice to leave.

I'm proud of myself for not arguing with him. It's all so unfair and it is all his own fault. But I did not say this. I was calm and collected as I hoped I would be.

Thanks Toots for your GAL suggestions!

And suckerpunch you are right, I do need to get out of my comfort zone.....I will get back to you on this! Thanks again for all your help.

[swoop]

Great interaction! I will guarantee, that H is thinking long and hard about his choices. It is not all peaches and cream over there, so don't you convince yourself that it is! I hope he was able to see some of your 180's. It would have been nice to have some tickets or vacation plans laying around for him to "stumble on".....hehe

My ex used to use the, "it was my choice to leave", comment too. I don't really know what that means to the WAS. It is a common part of their script. If I could show you where my ex is living and who she is engaged to today, you would literally laugh. Maybe it's mind reading, but I bet she thinks about that line often, and it's probably followed with, "WTF was I thinking".

Be happy for all the awesome things you have in your life, Stacey. If you put most of your attention on that, and less attention on the past, You will be conquering the world in no time! Life is grand, if you want it to be

You have 24 hours to post that GAL list. The week is already half over! You've been warned!

[stacey9]

Well I have no great GAL activities to report on, but my PMA has been fantastic this past week, got some jobs done around the house and a few other things that were needing done.

But have just had a bit of a set-back. D20 has been spending some time with her Dad over the last few weeks. He has asked if she would like to meet OW. She said yes. She said she wasn't sure whether to tell me or not. I'm glad she did, and I told her I wouldn't ask any questions about it, but if she wanted to tell me about it that is fine. She is curious about her.

I am gutted. I know many of you with younger children have already dealt with this, but this feels like another step towards total acceptance. S18 chose not to meet OW.

I was feeling better, and as Suckerpunch said, it can't be peaches and cream with H and OW all the time. I would never try and influence my daughter in any way, and I suspect the OW will be very nice and pleasant to her, and ask loads of questions and be genuinely interested in her.

I just don't think I'm ready for this.....

[SunnyB]

Stacey that's hard. I don't want my girls within 10 miles of the duck. Ever. But I know there will be a day it will likely happen.

Your girls are adults and you have raised them well. They can handle the OW. Maybe D20 will come back and tell you about the giant wart on her nose.

[stacey9]

Haha RPP, I hope so!

It really doesn't make any difference, but a few of H's friends have told me they were all shocked that he left me for her. I have seen her and she is nothing special, but she must have something going for her to make H dramatically leave his family to be with her. He is with her constantly, he even takes her to events where its all guys and they are the only couple. Weird.

Anyway, I will just have to deal with this. I know if D20 doesn't mention anything to me, it is likely to mean she liked the OW.

After all his moaning about money last week, I offered to contribute towards the house. He said no! I couldn't believe it. He said lets just have a think about it and not do anything hasty.

Just don't know what's going on in that head of his.

[raliced]

Hey Stacey-

There are a couple of things that really stick out to me here.

I remember earlier in your postings that you were distressed that some other family members were willing to meet with OW. Stacey, for your sake, you need to let go of this. The fact that they are willing to meet her is not a rejection of you, nor does it mean that they are picking his "side", it doesn't say anything at all about how they feel about you. It means one thing only, and that is that they want to maintain a relationship with their family member and that makes them ...........human. My MIL has used a lot of invective when discussing the OW ("What kind of woman must she be....etc). However, if and when the time comes, I'm sure she will meet OW and be courteous to her, because she loves her son and wants to be in his life. And while all of this might be awkward for me, ultimately I don't want my kids to have one whole side of their family estranged from one another over this.

I doubt D20 is going to form any concrete opinion of OW based on one meeting. And if she likes her? So what? Doesn't diminish her feelings or relationship for you in any way.

You know what would concern me a lot more? The fact that D20 wasn't sure if she should tell you or not. It's a sticky, icky situation for all involved, but if my daughters were that age, I would hope they would think of me as the parent they could be open with and not be afraid of hurting me. Look, I know that's a tall order and I'm not going to lie, when D3 babbles about "Lisa" it hurts . But it shouldn't be my daughter's burden right now to tiptoe around my feelings. So I suck it up, and gently try to steer the conversation in a different direction when it happens.

Your kids are older - but they're still kids and they are dealing with their own pain about this. Don't allow the OW to cause any damage there. If your daughter is uncomfortable to tell you about her - you are giving OW power she should not have.

I sense that these family members meeting OW upsets you so much, because you feel it will help solidify their relationship and you , of course, are hoping it will fail. I think all of us who have a WAS in a affair feel that way. Who wouldn't? I know some people here say the AP is a symptom. I guess so, but only if that symptom is like active chicken pox, not the underlying cause of the disease, but something that makes it impossible to interact with other people normally. We're all kind of hoping for that rash to clear up.

Hang in there Stacey.

[stacey9]

Thank you so much raliced for your valuable insight. You are right of course, I am worried about OW becoming a well liked family member and taking my place, but I know H's family have to accept her for his sake.

It's just tough you know, when D20 has seen all the heartache and turmoil first hand and wants to meet her. But I understand her curiosity. I do hope she doesn't like her and no new friendship is formed. Mature huh?

You are so strong raliced, you've coped tremendously well throughout it all. Thanks so much for taking the time to help me.

[stacey9]

Well D20 met the OW. She came home in tears. She went to H's home briefly and was so shocked to see all the OW's things there, holiday photos of the two of them together, letters addressed to OW. She asked her if she lived there and OW said yes.

D20 was not prepared for this and I think the reality of the situation just hit her. She was upset that H has this new life which doesn't include his children, and that there were no pictures of them in the house.

She also was not too impressed with OW, she said she was pleasant enough to her, but laughed at absolutely everything H said and D20 thought it was quite embarrassing.

I'm glad she told me all this, and that I was there to comfort her.

I didn't know they were living together, but I actually feel a bit better about that, knowing all the excitement of hopping back and forward to each others apartments has gone. Let them now deal with each others dirty laundry, bills, cleaning toilets etc etc....

I'm also angry that he's trying to get more money from me to help with the house costs, when he and the OW are managing a small house together on two very good salaries while I am struggling with the bills, trying to re-finance etc on my own.

But I won't show him this anger, I will continue to take the higher road and try to be the best person I can be.

[Maybell]

Hi, Stacey.

Yes, it will be entertaining to see how they cope with life together, won't it?

FWIW, my STBX never put family/kid pics up even before he started cheating. He said he "wasn't the kind of person who did that sort of thing."

The money may be a struggle but at least you don't have to cope with a person who devalues you on a daily basis.

Best to you.