I feel that she is slipping away - Please help

[aml]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, just as of today. So please forgive my ignorance that may prevent me from doing anything the proper way here at this time, haha.

So my situation is very critical at this time. At least it feels that way to me, this is why I would like insight from this community. Not too many people really know what I'm going through, or can relate.

So background story;

My wife and I's issues stem at the core from lack of communication. For sometime, about the past 2 years, I have been in a fairly deep state of depression. This has stemmed from lack of self worth and losing my sense of self identity through being within a career path that was just plain and simple, not for me at all. I was starting to get into the rat race of corporate life and structure and was settling down very early in life. My wife and I got married in Oct. '11 and immediately moved from our home state of Indiana to California, and then 2 months later to Arizona. A lot of whirlwind and exciting changes in a short amount of time. In Arizona we both pretty much landed dream jobs. Fast forward a year, this is when things started to go wrong, in hindsight. (Always 20/20 right??) The shimmer of this new and exciting job was starting to wear off and I was becoming very disillusioned and disenfranchised and was just becoming not happy there at all. That in the mix of being in a totally new state, without any of our best friends or former hobbies or places of socialization or adventure we had back home started to develop a bad mix. My unfortunate coping mechanism when feeling down and depressed has been to put up walls. Not communicate, not talking about things, internalize, not seek help, or really just feel like things are ok and will work themselves out. Our home and being there with my wife was my unconscious retreat. This is where I would sulk, be lazy and lethargic and just kind of shut down. Complacency (the most dangerous word in the world IMO). I stopped going out for the most part, or trying new things and being adventurous. The TV became my great friend and computer as well. Looking back I stopped being the sweet, romantic, loving, affectionate and adventurous man that my wife fell in love with.

After about a year of going through this my wife brought some things up to attention. She said she wasn't feeling good and wasn't feeling herself and that she was sad and that she didn't want to live in Arizona anymore and wanted to move back to Indiana. I thought that she was just sad about herself not finding Arizona to be "home" and that she was just having a hard time personally. Looking back I realize this was a cry for help that the relationship was in trouble. She brought these problems to my attention in the form of an email initially. We only talked about her feelings a couple times, but it was not directly said to each other that the relationship was in trouble or that we really needed to work on things between us. We just went out a little more, hung out with new friends more, I tried leaving stress at work a little more, this helped, but was not the kind of help we were really needing; we should have been working on our relationship that was slipping.

About a year later we made the firm decision to move back to Indiana. I took a job offer in Indiana that, knowing what I know now, I shouldn't have. This job was in the same field and had all of the same things going wrong with the place the former job I held had. This just drove me deeper into my depression and funk. I had become not myself. When moving back home should have been a triumphant return, things just got worse than ever.

This was pretty much a slow burn of these small things adding up over a total period of 2 years.

Then one day in November my Wife left a note while I was at work. I texted her that morning as I sense something was wrong and things did not feel right. She said she left me a note and that I should just read it when I get home. I left work immediately to read it and hopefully catch her. She was already gone. The note said basically that she needed some time to think things through in which she didn't know what the outcome was going to be, and she feels like our time may be coming to an end and that maybe we weren't meant for each other. A bunch of very sad and hard to read things like that. I immediately became an emotional wreck. I fell to the floor sobbing and breaking down. My wife went to a friends house, but then came back the next day.

The day she left the note, I went back to work and put in my 2 weeks notice. This was the first big step of many steps I instantly knew I had to do to start making things better for our relationship and myself. Career suicide, yea, but my wife and life with her is worth more than anything in this world.

This was not a constructive time for us. Before I got wise and did a lot of reading, research and critical thinking, I was just an emotional mess to and in front of her. I was breaking down, crying, begging, pleading, all of the things we know we shouldn't do at this point! Though I was trying to talk about things and talk everything through, she wasn't having it. She didn't want to talk anything through or try to resolve any issues. We went to one therapy session together, but she didn't agree to anymore after that 1st.

Though I was an emotional wreck, this was a huge slap to the face for me that really, truly and completely woke me up, seeing through my depression and I instantly realized where everything had been going wrong up to that point. It was quite amazing, in a sad way. I realized I had not been myself at all for some time. I saw where I was pushing her away and where we should have been communicating and growing together and seeking help through these issues. I know looking back is dangerous, but I have been doing it a lot to understand what went wrong. I see it all so clearly. It was all so avoidable.

So things were like this for a couple of weeks, she didn't want to talk about it, we were sleeping in separate rooms, she was spending a lot of time with new friends from work and her yoga studio. I very aggressively started working on things for myself. As I said above I quit my personal largest contributor of stress and depression, the corporate job, I started going out with friends a lot more and socializing, I started helping a local record label (music is my passion), I started playing music again, I started going through the formal process to begin volunteering at a hospital, I started yoga for myself, I started exercising more, turning back to faith and going to church again in life...A lot of things, that initially I will admit I did because I thought she would like them and turn her head in interest, but I soon realized these were actions and ideas that were genuinely building me back up as an individual and feeling truly and genuinely good for myself.

My wife moved out of our house in the beginning of December. I was once again devastated. It was all happening so fast. After she left I didn't know what to do. I wrote her and that didn't do much of anything. She pretty much just stopped communicating with me after she left. I started texting her about once a day with "I love you" and "Hope you had a good day" simple, non-pushy things like that, but pretty much with no response from her.

For Christmas we were both suppose to go travel to see my family, something we booked tickets for prior to this all happening. She said she wasn't going and told me I should go and didn't think I should stay in town. I went and the trip was just fine. It was good to remove myself from all of the chaos for a week.

I came back home and there was another note at the house. It stated that she feels that our time is through. That she has moved on. And that she got in touch with an attorney about "our future divorce" and that she is filing for legal separation for February as that is the soonest we will have gained residency back in Indiana. She said she feels that these decisions were not made in haste. Though she feels that we were meant to have the times in life together that we have had, but has come to realize that "life is too damn precious to be stuck in a rut" and that she sees beautiful things in life for us, but individually. And that she hopes we can be peaceful and respectful through these times to each other....

I lost it again. I was sobbing by myself on the floor of our home and just lost it. I spent the night at a family friends house, because I just couldn't be by myself.

So speed up a few weeks and now we're here. We met up once since she left that last letter. We didn't talk through it, but I just wanted her to see the positivity in me and the genuine and honest changes I have been making. And to just tell her that bottom line, I love her and I am not giving up on us.

During all of this, I have been in contact with her family, trying to let them know I love her and am fighting for her. Admittedly I was trying to corral them up to help be support groups to help my wife and I through this, but I'm learning this might not be the best idea. Though mostly everyone that knows us is saying we should and need to fight for and work through this and that they know working through it would be for the best. My wife is just not confiding at all in people who have this viewpoint, she is confiding in people that are new to her life or are not being direct with her in saying she should work things out with me. Her family is not being too vocal about it because they don't want to push her away, and I understand and respect that. Her sister, I have come to find out, is not being an advocate of us working through this, which is really frustrating because her and I are quite close and she and her BF have worked through some very difficult situations and their relationship is better than ever as a result.

My wife is just surrounding herself by people who are making this choice she currently is making easier for her. She is ignoring and just not reaching out to any of our mutual friends, family, and overall people that truly and genuinely know and love her and us and want us to work through this and stay together. I think my wife is just putting on a brave face and trying to fight through the pain. This is all completely devastating and hard and I know neither decision is easy in the slightest, but I think she is currently taking the "easier" route. Reconciliation would be so hard and frustrating, but I am certain the benefits of working through it would be so beautiful and that our lives and marriage would be better than ever. I am certain our life can be so amazing and beautiful together. I am certain we are right for each other.

To be honest, I think she just kind of snapped. And I completely understand and respect it. She was dealing with a lot of pain and sorrow for a long time. Though I don't think either of us can 110% honestly say we really talked about this or really tried working on things up until this blew up in November, which was the first time we ever really admitted to each other than the relationship was is a bad place, or as bad as it really is. I feel like she is not herself right now, that she is just so lost and so hurt. I don't think she's gone crazy at all, but she that this is just not her. A lot of people that know us agree with that. That's why my hope is that eventually she will come to realize what could possibly be lost, or for lack of a better phrase "snap out of it". Honestly I think she is still very angry at me and hasn't forgiven me for what has happened. I think she is holding the "too little too late" argument against me still and isn't quite sure yet if I am making changes to and for myself genuinely or if she can trust me yet. I can really sense the passion in her still and I really think she has to be thinking of me a lot throughout the day, and that gives me hope.

Throughout all of this I am not mad, angry or resentful at all, I am only falling in love with my wife more and more, in some weird way, and realize so clearly that she is the one in this world for me.

At this point I don't know what to do. I texted her the other day and she ignored it. I don't know how to interact or approach her or if I shouldn't approach her at all during this time. I would feel more comfortable giving her complete space for some time, but if she is really pursuing divorce, which I'm not sure at this point, she hasn't brought it up since she dropped that letter, then things seem extremely time sensitive. I don't know if I should text her a couple times a week to see if she wants to meet up, if I should write her letters and leave them in her car while she's at work, if I should pull some grand romantic gesture and try to go find her and sweep her off of her feet (she hasn't given me her new address of her place & I'm guessing this probably wouldn't be good at this time), or if I should just give her total space and not communicate right now. I just have no idea what to do.

And to be honest, I do have suspicion that she may be involved with someone else, either emotionally of physically. I have my reasons to my suspicion, and honestly it tears me up to think on it, but even if it is true it doesn't change my feelings of unconditional love for her and wanting to save our marriage. Idk if I should confront her about if something is going on, or if I do it will only set us back at this time. Which I don't want to happen obviously.

As well, I know she probably feels like she didn't get enough time in life to find herself or explore the world before we started to "settle down". Though at our cores we both want the same things, to share a life with someone, have a family someday, see the world and all it has to offer. She's talked about building out a van and traveling the country when her lease is up and then maybe going down to Florida to move in with her mom. And all I can think is, I want to do that too! (maybe not live with her mom though ha). I want to travel around the world with her and see and experience things. I don't want to be complacent or just settle to just settle, especially while we are both quite young. And we both want a life together with someone. We want the same things, but the equation is just not adding up for her for some reason. I want what she wants and she wants what I want. I just don't know why she doesn't see or agree with that.

I just don't know what to do, any advice, direction or commentary would be hugely beneficial. I know this is a lot here so if there are any questions I can answer to help make my situation more clear I would be happy to answer.

Thanks everyone.

[Nettles]

aml,

Welcome to the boards. Sorry you find yourself here. Some immediate advice would be:

1) Get the DR and DB books ASAP. Read, study, plan. They have answers to the questions you have asked.

2) Go see a lawyer. The more information you have about S and D, the less scary the concepts become.

3) Continue with the things you were doing to get out of your depression. You were GALing and it was working. You own your own happiness and it seems that you've found the things that get you out of depression and into a happy state. Keep it going.

It is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. Get the books and get to work.

[Zelda09]

AML -

In some fashion in your talks have you let her know you understand why she left and accept her decision? If she feels like you are trying to pull her back, you're still the enemy by default because you're working against what she wants right now.

Trust me, I understand the panic and sense of the world being upside down and all wrong...my H has very slowly slipped away on me over the last two months despite some very good conversations. When I have thought those talks gave me room to pursue...he has gotten upset and defensive. When we had a good weekend he still made the decision to get on a plane and clear his head. I had something of a grand romantic gesture this past weekend where I saw him, and though I'm not sure much is going to change ultimately, there was a shift. Mostly because I spent 95% of the time seeking understanding and not trying to pull him. I spent the other 5% exploring how we might SLOWLY put this back together if he were to come home...but it wouldn't have come up if he wasn't a little open to it. He wouldn't have been open to it, IMO, if I was coming from a place desperate, needy and clinging to a past that is over now.

I'm not a vet, but I can tell you that pushing my feelings pushed him away. Being ambivalent about my feelings kept him contacting once in a while (I don't believe out of interest per se, more because I wasn't a threat to his head space at that point). Showing interest and acceptance of his feelings without mention of mine allowed him to share his experience.

There is soo much good advice all over these boards, and the DR book is fantastic. Hang in there. One day at a time.

[Lostinpain]

Welcome AML!

Right now you in a bit of a panic mode. Just breathe and know that its not all over. Advice given on here and what you'll read from DR and DB is not instinctive.

It seems like you are in a trance thinking that you are perfect together and she just can't see it. Maybe she did leave because of your depression. Whichever reason, she has convinced herself you are not good together and the marriage isn't worth saving. But instead of showing her positive attitude, you need to start showing positive change. She can talk to a lot of ppl who may be opposed to your relationship but ultimately she makes the decisions. Stop focusing on her friends and families opinions (I did this too and it got nowhere) and focus on yourself.

So you quit your job. Have you got a new one? She's talking about seeing the country and you think I want to do that. Go do it! When I speak to others about countries I traveled to alone they always say I wish I could do that. I can't phantom what is stopping them aside from possible limited financial budget. Some are just scared to do things alone.

It seems your wife has trouble with confrontation. Both times she left you a note and never directly spoke about her concerns with you. Texting her will not get you a response because aside from lacking confrontation skills she really does need space.

While she is making all these plans allow time to yourself to figure out what you want. Nettles is right, get a lawyer. You're not admitting defeat by getting one, but a desire to protect yourself in the worse situation. Its marital insurance. You're still in the early stages of being left, and I promise you it will get easier if you do something starting with yourself.

[aml]

Thank you for your condolences.

I have the books, they have been very helpful. Though I don't think I'm quite finding my situation in them. That being, what do I do if she is just not responding or reaching out and when I reach out she just ignores? I'm assuming I should just give complete space for a while, I guess this would fall under the "Last Resort Technique". That's what I've been doing mostly. Maybe I should keep continuing with that approach for a while. But it's been over a couple weeks. Which if I remember what Michele says is the time to wait before something new is attempted.

I'm just so nervous with the threat of divorce on the table

I do need to keep patient and persistent. I will continue to GAL. It feels good when I'm out and doing this that are making me happy and growing myself.

[aml]

Hi Zelda09,

I haven't directed acknowledged all of the specific things that I now know were what pushed her away. I very clearly see it all, where it went wrong and what I was doing that was specifically pushing her away. Though I have apologized multiple times and have admitted I was a terrible husband for a while and abandoned her.

Do you think calling out the specifics would be a good thing to do? Maybe it would mean a lot and show her I know exactly what was going wrong and so that she could start to feel confident that I wouldn't let them happen again.

Sorry for the confusion on my end, but are you saying that you approached him with a grand romantic gesture? And it helped? I want to do this so badly to my W. I feel that it will make or break everything. I just don't know. I feel like if I did that I would be approaching her from a place of desperation or neediness, but out of a place of deep love and affection for her. I just want to show and embrace her with the love I have for her.

I do see where pushing my feelings though is just not working. Even when I reach out to say hi and that I hope she had a good day, with a little ":)" in there haha, I get no response. I can imagine if I smother her with love it will just probably push her away. But, IDK!!!

She's contacted me about a couple of seemingly insignificant things, we split bank accounts and she had a couple checks that were still depositing in them and wanted to check if the money was in there. She did this just yesterday, when clearly the money was not depositing in my account anymore. I'm questioning if this was an attempt to put her foot in the door to start talking. But then we texted back and forth about that for a couple texts, and then I asked if she would want to meet up to take the dog to the part, and she said she feels like that wouldn't be a good idea....Confusing day. I didn't text back.

Also, her father texted me yesterday saying that she sought out the counsel of a pastor, which I feel that could only be a good thing for us. Pastors marry and advise couples to reconcile, I've never heard of them siding with divorce. Though I'm not sure where her father got this information from. I'm guessing my W directly, but I didn't want to be too nosey and ask.

One day at a time is the best course of action. The days are flying by, but the moments that make them up seem to last forever...

[aml]

Hello Lostinpain,

I most definitely acknowledge that I am in a state of panic. I can very logically see that I need to continually relax my mind and my heart.

It is so hard though. I went from having my best friend and love of my life with me everyday, from her just being completely gone and laying in bed by myself every night, with not the threat of divorce.....

I know patience, persistence in my unconditional love for her and working on bettering myself and keeping a clear mind are in my best interests though.

Maybe it is a trace that we are meant for each other in life. But I know what she wants out of life and in a life partner, and I have very critically considered what I want as well, especially since going through this. And at the core we want the same things.

I will genuinely and honestly show continual positive change in myself as time goes forward. I just don't understand how she will react to it if she is not even giving me the time of day. I want to make these changes for the betterment of myself as an individual, in addition to being the ideal partner she desires in life.

I'm definitely backing off from her friends and family. Unless they contact me, I am just backing off.

I do have a new job. Something that doesn't give me any stress and that when I leave work, I can leave work at work. It's not glamorous, to say the least. But it's work and I get a paycheck.

I do want to go see the country and the world! But I do want to go see it with her. If I went off on my own, I fear that maybe she might feel that I'm just moving on and that she should continue to move on too. I don't want her to feel like I am running away and leaving her behind. I know I have what it takes to go out into the world. But I so desperately want her to be there by my side, or I by her side.

We certainly have trouble with confrontation. I think this was a big problem. I know a lot of couples work through things by being confrontational and getting direct with each other. It is much better than what we were doing and sweeping problems under the rug or trying to rely on intuition for the other person to figure out what's going on.

I will keep GAL for myself. I realize this is probably the best thing I can do at this time. And maybe just give giving her a lot of space.... But again, I just feel like time is against me if she is still pursing a divorce. I just don't know if she is. And I don't want to ask about it or bring it up, at all. I have a close family friend that is a lawyer. I will approach him about what's going on and get some advice from him I think.

Thank you.

[aml]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of the advice here. Still trying to determine what to do.

So I'm a bit crippled to know what to do at this point. I have basically been working little to no communication with her. I really can't tell if it's working or not. As I've stated above she's texted me a couple times over insignificant things, but the conversation goes nowhere else. She hasn't wanted to meet up to hang out and I haven't asked directly if we can again meet to talk. Maybe I should?....

But I fear that she is just getting comfortable in this new life of hers without seeing or hearing from me and it makes me really scared. Scared that she may think this is what she really wants or what is best for her and scared that she still may want to pursue a divorce.

My heart tells me that I need to go find her, either at work or her new place and present some grand romantic gesture and attempt to sweep her off of her feet and prove my love. I just don't know if that will work at all. I know real life is not like the movies. But what if it would work? I just don't know at all....

My gut and mind and from reading here and other places say that those attempts don't really work and more so backfire than ever work. I certainly don't want to push her away anymore than I have.

But there will come a point that I need to do something. I can't just stand here on the sidelines and let her slip away, or think that I may be slipping away myself. I know she knows that I desperately work it out and have her back and to build our marriage back up. But, I honestly think her mind is not totally made up yet. What if she is just waiting for that one moment, for me to come and proclaim my love for her and to embrace and kiss her and tell her...I am back, the man you fell in love with is back and is really here and alive again and now better than ever, and I promise with everything I am that will never happen again.

IDK what to do guys...I feel like even though I am working on myself a lot and feel really good about my own individual life, personally, I am just sitting on my hands and wasting time by not pursing her. And I just letting my fear and emotions get the best of me? I would be much more patient and non-erratic if there wasn't the previous threat of divorce. I don't want it to seem like my passion for her and us to work out is lessening or dying in the slightest. That is not the case in the slightest. I can't breathe with the thought of losing her. It breaks my heart every second of the day.

It is so hard to work on this living apart, not seeing or speaking to each other. I feel like those who are not separate have so much better of a chance to work things out. I have no idea what my wife is thinking, feeling or doing everyday. I just have no idea.

Any additional advice or direction would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks everyone.

[Cadet]

Hello fellow DB'ers,

I feel that I am at a crossroads with my situation.

My W and I S, W left the house, early in December and are not speaking too much. Texts maybe once a week or once every other week, no talk of the R (not by my choosing, but W doesn't want to talk about it or work on it at all, so I'm backing off).

We met up only a couple times since the S and the first time was just after the S and not much progress, and the second time a couple weeks ago, where I since had been making a lot of positive progress and changes in my life. I heard that my W felt like she "didn't know the guy she was talking to", I feel that she may be overwhelmed by the amount of positive and new changes I am making in my life, and that those blind-sided her from seeing that though there are a lot of new changes, I still am the man she fell in love with and married. I feel that we will need more interactions and meet-ups before she is able to see that I am genuinely making changes for myself, not to just win her back, and that the changes I am making are all out of love and positivity, that would only enhance myself as an individual and myself within the relationship. As well, more interactions to show her that I am still myself and still the man she had all of the good memories, laughs, fell in love with and married.

But, there was the threat of legal separation and divorce in late December, no talk of it since, and there was no talk of it when we met up a couple weeks ago.

This is where I feel time is of the essence though. I'm not sure if she is going to drop that bomb, and I'm too afraid to ask, and frankly I just don't want to. I don't want to be the one to bring up negative thoughts, or put those thoughts in her mind.

So, what do I do now?

I asked her yesterday if she would care to have lunch together this weekend, she said she is going out of town (I'm very curious where she is going, but I figure I shouldn't infringe on that unless she tells me), but that maybe we can get together next week. I'm taking this as a good sign. I don't think I should bring up talks of the relationship or try to talk through everything or tackle any of the issues, but if we are able to meet up, just try to be very positive, loving and just have a good time together.

Does that sound like a good direction?

On the other hand, I am very very curious if a grand romantic gesture would be the saving grace that is needed right now. I don't know her address, she hasn't given it to me, but I know the apartment complex she is living in. I also know where she works. What if I just go to her one night and knock on the door and proclaim my deep and undying love for her, that I've fought off and completely removed the demons that were keeping me from being the husband that was wanted while things were bad, and that will never happen again, and just embrace her... What if that is what is needed right now? I have no idea.

Though, being devil's advocate, she has given me no indication of me wanting to present a "Say Anything" moment, or to come sweep her off of her feet. She has really given me no indication that she wants to reconcile or work through anything, to be honest. I fear that doing this could possibly be the nail in the coffin. But, what if she is relying on my intuition and that she feel maybe she shouldn't need to give me a hint and that maybe I should, for lack of a better term "man up" and go rescue her.

But, what if it is what will save us?! I just don't know. I would love to do this and go sweep her off of her feet. I don't want it to seem like I am giving up or that I am hiding in a corner. I feel like I am spinning my wheels or sitting on my hands at times. I guess this is probably my impatience sitting in.

But, on the other hand, should I just continue to be patient, reaching out once a week or so and trying to "date" her again?

Or should I just completely do my own thing right now and hope that she comes around? She very well knows that I more than anything want us to work out and that my love for her will not diminish. When we talked in person last time I said bottom line, I am not giving up on you or us and that I will always love you, unconditionally so.

Sorry I am all over the place and being erratic here, but with the potential threat of divorce, I feel so nervous and that maybe if there is a time to stand up and act it is now. But I do keep the saying in mind, "Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see..." I hope this applies here and for her.

Any advice, similar stories or direction would be very much appreciated.

Thanks all.

Brought over from your new thread.

Try to stick to this thread until 100 posts

[bravo61]

aml,
you are not "letting her slip away". she's gone. the marriage you knew was over the second that she decided it was. it stinks but it is a fact. when i read your post, it took me back to my first post so much! she needs to see that you are moving on. you need to accept that you have to mentally move on too. don't think about what she does, it'll just keep you in the dark place. work on YOU! that is all you can do. you can always keep hope alive but don't wallow in it. praying for you!

also keep in mind that you are the villian when she tells people the story of your lives together. how you respond to this adversity will say more about the person you are than a novel of words.