Do you really think he will realize he's a fool? Because I do. He had everything. He admitted he will never have what we had again. I think he will wake up. And I think it will likely be too late when he does.
I believe most of them will. Especially when we do nothing but stick to the high road and show love. Triple especially if they admit what we had was good.
As you noted, the question is if we will still be there when that happens.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Shining, there are many who do wake up and realize what they've lost and will try to reconcile. However, there are some that feel so foolish and have that stubborn pride and will not accept what they've done, so they carry on w/their lives and never try to reconcile because it would be too much work. Some will remain stuck and then there are the lbs who have moved on w/their lives and do not wish to reconcile. Time will tell which way your h will sway. For now, continue as you have been and if he does wake up, it's up to him to figure out how to catch up w/you and earn your love and trust back.
I'm glad to read that you have located a new counselor for your D13. Part of winning the battle is that she likes her. She'll more willing to open up to someone she likes and trusts.
As for the MIL, go to lunch and have a good time. Try not to share too much of what is going on w/you and your h. I would try to stick to subjects like work and the children. I'm sure it is going feel strange to meet up w/her, but it sounds like you've got a good relationship w/her.
Yes, life is looking good for you and you've come a long way in a short amount of time. Be sure to stop and smell the roses along the way. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Shining- I'm catching up on your thread and I seriously spit out my sting laughing at your "x,y,z manwhore" comment! I love how you keep your sense of humor through all of this. I'm in a similar place as you- ready to get this all done with but still have those teary days, especially when H is interacting in the familiar ways.
We can do this! I'm a glass half full kinda girl too- if either of us get too low we can share
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
DARING!!!! You KNOW we are in the same place, in detachment and overall attitude.... I call it, DETACHITUDE.
I had to go to page 4 to find my thread....lol. Been slacking!
FY and Job, thank you for your continued support, wisdom, and insight. You both have been here long enough to see anything and everything happen. It will be interesting to add this to the stats, years down the road.
Hard to even post.
I mean… the things I would have scrambled to type before, feel so meaningless now.
This is a strange thing I have felt since early December, but starting since H announcement of the big "v". I first attributed the feeling to the holidays. Then H birthday (which I didn’t even write about).
The reality is? None of it matters anymore. The events. The dialog. The details of H. It just means nothing to me. I have shut him out so far, that I can’t care about that stuff if I tried. If he was dangerously ill or hurt? Of course I would care about his well-being. The difference is this: I no longer feel it’s my job to tend to it.
Updates:
H still hasn’t filed. I have gone from the beginning of this journey, feeling terrified and praying he wouldn’t file….. to hoping he wouldn’t file….. then, thinking he probably will file….then I was truly accepting that D will definitely happen and being ok with it…. And now I am finding myself impatiently wanting it now. Now-now. Yesterday now. Enough to do it myself if he doesn’t in the next month or two.
What is THAT about??
I'm ok waiting in some ways. I would like the peace of mind of being 100% in charge of my finances, should he start a new behavior of racking up a bunch of debt. In my state, it would be marital. I feel like I should quit while I'm ahead...well, I'm not ahead....just not super behind.
I met with MIL for lunch last week. I hadn’t seen her or anyone from the family for almost a year. It was since H suicide attempt at the hospital in February. Nothing in-person since. She is his step-mom. She has always been great, and I believe she gets it.
I felt like I was helping HER understand and deal with this...it was strange. We cried some, because they were a great family to my kids and me. I miss them, and they all miss us.
MIL understands that H needs help, but she is still confused by many things that don’t make sense to her (we can all relate).
She told me the only time anyone in the family has seen him since we S was Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a birthday dinner. This is unusual, as we would meet them for dinner every couple of weeks in the past.
She said he didn’t seem depressed, but he certainly was not upbeat like he had been at holiday gatherings when we were together. She said that historically, H has bad-mouthed his xw and xgfs to his family after a break-up. He did none of that about me. She found that interesting. She couldn’t believe he hasn’t filed, and if he doesn’t really want a D, why isn’t he working on it? That confused her. She used the word “Limbo.” She knows he loved me, and it’s obvious to her that he doesn’t want to lose me from his life, but he has to grow up. A lot. She hates that we had to experience this pain, but she is well aware of his issues, and isn’t surprised in the least that he is in this crisis.
4 months ago, I would have taken that info and pinned every ounce of hope on it. Today? meh.
For me? I’ve been busy. Being fabulous ☺
I have been researching and car shopping. I’m constantly reevaluating our finances.
D13 is continuing IC, and really likes her. D13 will be D14 this weekend….holy buckets! She is really doing great. Her IC will hopefully help her work through things from long ago, not-too long ago, and recent stuff. She is still traumatized by the boy from her school that had the obsessive crush on her, and wrote the manifesto naming kids and teachers he would “take-out”. He was rumored to be released and possibly returning to her school. Yeah….she’s freaking out.
S16 has a lead role in both upcoming stage productions at his HS. For a kid with Asperger’s, he is breaking the mold. I’m loving it, and finally seeing his passion! The group is accepting of him and his quirks like nothing he has ever had in his life. In fact…they celebrate those qualities. Truly incredible to watch.
S18 (twin) graduates from Basic in 2 weeks. He calls me weekly. He sounds like he is absolutely thriving, and gaining so much experience. He has been put into several leadership roles within his group, for various tasks. He feels confident, connected, motivated…. Also constantly hungry, sore, and tired. He loves that, too. He is knowingly on an adventure, and open to whatever possibility presents. Such a cool kid.
S18 (twin) started firefighter school, and continues to move forward in his semi-independent life. He recently had what he called, “the same 3 hour conversation” that I had with his father. They went to a hockey game, and had some male-bonding time. When they returned home, they sat and had a glass of whiskey, lol. His dad asked him what he remembers from his younger years. What scared him. What things made him feel small. And he addressed every single one of them. <<<THIS healing, is what I had hoped and prayed for since the decision to D. I’m so grateful. These kids deserve that.
Those things above, the kids…..that’s what gives me such peace. It’s all ok. It is all going to be ok. Life is life. And it’s moving along.
Shining, Life sounds good in your neck of the woods. The kids are thriving and you sound like you have found solid footing. I do understand where you are at and at some point, you will do whatever it is that you need to do to get to where you are financially independent. Continue to do what you are doing and keep your eyes forward on the goal of happiness and living your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Shining Great update and great state of mind you are in. Keep focused stay strong.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Detachitude- I am loving that term! Great updates on all your kids, I'm so happy for them and you. Lots of good things in store for you all!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Ah, my amazing friend, it does my heart good to hear you sounding so strong.
You worked so hard to get to this place.
How well your kids are doing...in light of all that's happened in their lives...speaks volumes about you. Dont ever forget that. You have been their guiding light, their touchstone, their constant source of strength.
I cant wait to see where life takes you...I want a front row seat.
Shining, it is great to hear that you and your kids doing so well. Sorry if it would be a downer, but I keep thinking about what you said how something is changed in you after you found out about H’s big “v”. Why did it make you feel like it was a breaking point? My H did the same last year, and I also have uneasy feelings about it. But so I do about his tattoo and other things he’s done. I think about it as part of the MLC.
The reason I’m asking is that I see where you are on your journey, and I think about mine. You are way ahead of me, and my BD was a lot earlier, I think. I wish I would be where you are right now. So, maybe some insight would help, if you don’t mind.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
