T0324 ... Cinco

[T384]

More journaling...

H and I had a talk tonight. The C had told me to ask him if he wanted a divorce. I went against that advice because I just didn't think it was right.

I drove by H's ex boss's and saw him leaving. Pretty sure he saw me.... Talk about timing. The one time I drive down the busy road he is pulling out. Terrible coincidence.

H said he is sick of feeling stressed. He says most days he wants a divorce he's taking it day by day. He said he doesn't know what he wants.

I validated him when he was talking about stress and his job etc.

I did ask him to just be honest with me. I did not bring up the phone. I told him I feel like. I'm walking on eggshells around him.

He told me he's worrying about his job first. He's not sure about a divorce. He's just taking it day by day even though he thinks he wants one. He said he is still going to counseling.

He told me he's trying to be open with me but he feels like he has a ball and chain around him because of me bringing up the phone issue a few weeks ago.

I kept my mouth quiet on that one because I didn't want to say something I would regret.

My GAL stinks this week. Sunday I did go for brunch and mimosas with friends.

I picked up a couple night shifts this week so my body is pretty confused. I've grown a little attached to a family I've been caring for so my emotions have been crazy. I've been crying on my way home. I think it's a combination of everything including my monthly enemy paying a visit.

[Maybell]

You have the patience of Job, T. I was not able to live like that the way you have.

No advice, just support and goodwill.

[T384]

I'm trying to be patient maybell.

I could be patient if I felt like or had some inclination that he wanted to be in this M. It's hard to be patient when you don't. But I'm trying. Trying to find the balance of not being a doormat.

I told H I am not angry with him. Just hurt. He told me he was hurt too

[Maybell]

Did he say over what?

I'm not trying to be inflammatory. I just don't get where he's coming from at all.

[T384]

Because he feels like Hes hooked up to a ball and chain because of the phone incident a few weeks ago. He feels like he's never going to be forgiven and that im going to think he's a POS for the rest of our lives.


I'm not making excuses for him. It's hard to be sympathetic, which is why I was pretty quiet during the conversation, validated where I could and I ended it first and came inside and continued about my night.

[Train]

Because he feels like Hes hooked up to a ball and chain because of the phone incident a few weeks ago. He feels like he's never going to be forgiven and that im going to think he's a POS for the rest of our lives.

He apparently doesn't see that he's a slave to himself. If he feels like he's hooked to a ball-and-chain because of the phone incident a few weeks ago, then maybe - I dunno - he could start sleeping without the phone in his pocket?!?

Good freakin' grief.

Don't meant to throw fuel on the fire. But I agree with Maybell: You have the patience of Job.

I'm sorry you've had a bad week with one of your families. Honey, you've got some tough skin. Just remember to find time to make yourself feel better, okay? Please pay attention to you.

[T384]

Thank you

So what are you saying you think I should be doing??

I feel like I'm clueless. I don't know how to DB completely with him here. I want to let go but then I feel like it's sealing his deal of me. I go back and forth of do I kiss him when I get home since that's a complaint yet it's pursuing.

I feel so lost!

He also said his phone is in his nightstand every night since I brought it up. I haven't looked for it but I haven't seen it sitting on the nightstand like normal so I just assumed it was in his pocket.

It's just part of the job, the sad sad part of the job. It puts my life in reality. It never gets easy to see someone losing their child. But I am lucky to be able to take care of these amazing families. This family has offered to pay me to come in and work everyday as his nurse (obv can't happen) they provide all my meals and send dinner home for my family, greet me with breakfast in the am. They have an amazing support group and are just amazing people and what happened to their son is a tragedy.

[Train]

T0,

My advice is still the same: Be distant from H. Kissing him when he gets home from work isn't "pursuing" if he reciprocates (and isn't in an A, and I don't think he is). But kiss him in passing ... as if you have other places to be or things to do. Upbeat. Confident.

Loving detachment. That's the best way I can explain it.

My heart hurts for you. I was where you are. I depended on people here to tell me every move I should make. I wanted them to spell it out for me. But everyone here has a different opinion, and you'll be torn absolutely apart if you take every person's advice here and try to apply it exclusively to your own life and situation.

I almost feel like, reading your posts now, you've turned yourself into a robot at home. That's not the answer, T.

What feels authentic to YOU?

[T384]

I have no clue. I feel lost.

Part of me thinks be distant and don't initate anything. Then the other part thinks I should be lovingly distant because I know he is depressed regardless what it's about.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells from fear but that's something I have to change

I need to get back to being happy and confident. Not pretending but really being that way. I'm losing more weight which is a big pick me up.

[Heart14]

T, I'm sorry things are still in flux. Hopefully patience and time will bring clarity for you both.

I see some similarities in your H and mine. Mine also felt like I would hold it over his head forever and that we'd never move on, so I understand what you mean about it being hard to be sympathetic. I can only speak from my experience so my apologies if this is not helpful. During the affair and in the first part of piecing, I would have characterized my H as depressed with very low self esteem. Things were touch and go at times. One day I'd feel like we were doing great and the next day I'd feel like we were never going to get through it. My pain was out in the open and sometimes H couldn't handle it because seeing it made him feel like he was worthless. After a while I realized that H was not in a position to handle my pain and also his own. I talked to a DB coach and she recommended choosing to let go of mine for awhile. She also told me to focus on only the positive actions, no matter how small. It was hard. I wanted H to comfort me and, honestly, grovel a little bit. He'd done those things already, I just wanted him to keep doing them. I realized that continually asking that of him only served to make him feel like less of a person. I tried my best to stop bringing up the negative things and instead started telling him what I appreciated. Things I probably wouldn't have even given a second thought to thanking him for before, such as picking our son up from daycare. Yes, as a dad he should do that, but telling him that I appreciated it made him feel valued. All that said, after awhile H's self image improved and I am now able to talk to him when things bother me again. I just try not to dwell on them too long.

It's totally reasonable that you want more from your H. I don't get the impression that he is currently capable of providing what you want though. He might eventually be able to, only time will tell. You'll have to decide if you are willing to wait. A couple of different counselors we spoke with told us the best advice they could give us for now was to just be kind to one another. I thought that was good advice when I was feeling ticked off at his inability to handle my pain.

BTW, I really admire what you do in your career. I can't even imagine the things you see on a daily basis. I would be a wreck. You are obviously one strong lady!