... I was crying on the shower today and saying out loud: "Wake up! Wake up!" Usually, it is directed at my WAW but today, for the first time, it was directed at me. My M is dead and I've such a hard time accepting it.
Hi Mozza, Your marriage is not dead until you say it is. You may not have a relationship right now but with the work that you are doing on yourself, using DB, continue keeping the focus on yourself and not the relationship, or what WAW is doing. Easier said than done.
I am sorry that you have to go thru your WAW scheduling a vacation with the OM. I get the crying in the shower thing. What can you do that will let you spoil yourself? Tell us something that might be fun to do just for you.
Mozza, those are totally normal feelings. It feels like you will never get past it. You will. You are very strong and going through even worse than I went through. I had the benefit of ignorance until WAW's A was over. I would have been just as crushed (or worse) before I had my lightswitch moment. But you know what, after I made it through everything, after I mourned our M, I was *not* crushed by the news of her A. Yes, it probably helped a little knowing that it was already over. But it would not have crushed me completely to know it was still going on. That is true detachment. There are efforts, of course, that you can make to help you towards detachment. But the most important ingredient is time. Keep trying to GAL, give it time, and you will be there (hopefully in the near future, too!).
At that point, you can look at your WAW's trip as HER life while you are excited about things in your OWN life. It's hard for you to believe in or empathize with this sentiment right now, but OM is not taking YOUR life. There was a time when your life was with WAW, traveling with her, seeing her family. That time is over. But your life is not over. This is the dawn of the next chapter in your life. It could end up being with WAW. It could be with a new woman, and her family, and trips/activities/conversations/interests with her. It could be as a single man, with a group of friends and your awesome children. It could be a new hobby. It could be a new job or career that you are a year or two away from discovering. If you follow DB and the advice here, it may or may not be with WAW, but it WILL be something that you will eventually be thankful for.
In the meantime, we're here, buddy! Find a good shoulder to cry on. Anyone you trust besides your children, of course. For me, it was an aunt.
Last edited by Card29; 01/21/1509:26 PM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Try not to focus too much on what your W is doing with the OM. Our imaginations can be ten times worst than what is really happening. I thought my H was happy and life was great with is OW. In fact the fantasy relationship soon became a nightmare. He was so stressed he was having anxiety attacks.
The M may be dead for now. Who knows what the future holds. All you can do is focus on you and your kids. Plan your own holiday. Create new memories.
Take it one day at a time.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Yeah, this is horrible. My D4 keeps asking about going back to Disney World because one of her friends is going soon. We went as a family this past June and had a great time. Every time she says it, I think back to that time and realize how good my life seemed then but how crazy it was about to get. It stinks.
As you saw, one thing that helped me is coming to the realization that I don't want W back as she is right now. I still love her, but in order to protect myself; I needed to look at her for what she has done and stop explaining away all of the decisions she made. Of course, that put me on a couple weeks of anger, but now I see myself more detached and not caring what's going on as much as I was.
Last edited by MCS; 01/21/1511:20 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
June is a lifetime away. If you know the dates then plan something fabulous for Mza at that time. A challenge or trip perhaps.
Your L said that she had few memories of reconciliation. Well how many DBers in there? None I will bet. Each one of us here has the support and experience of fabulous friends to have the best chances of R. To stand, to work on ourselves and to GAL., to grow we encourage each other.
Besides, it is like asking a doctor how many sick patients he has!
Hugs to Mza. V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This was a lonely day for me as my parents were not available to talk. I call them sometimes 2-3 hours in a day - we'd almost never talk before BD, so that's a gain. I decided to come here and share today's difficulties and you rallied. I'm very, very grateful you're there. I'm touched by your intentions and kind words.
To get better, what I need for now is to recognize that my M is dead. Yes, it may be reborn down the road. You know me, I'm an optimist. But now, this hope is my focus and is keeping me from focusing on myself, where my attention should be. Make no mistake: I keep DBing, but closer to the spirit of saving myself first.
I was talking to a friend about how to detach and he observed that the first step is to want to detach. I agree that I feel tremendous resistance in my heart and mind to even wanting to detach. Yet, I know it's a pleasant feeling. And I need to realize that detaching is not giving up, it,s not closing the door. It's acknowledging the reality and doing my best with the rest of my life. I want to take more steps towards at least wanting to detach, so suggestions are welcome.
I finally talked to my parents tonight and I made clear to them that I wanted to enter the acceptance phase, that I no longer want to analyze every move and word from my WAW to guess if she's having regrets. They agreed, which was hardest for my mom who really thinks (and wants?) that WAW will return. But this is a big step for me because our conversation have an influence on my thinking and mood.
--------------- GAL of the day: Played badminton in the evening. It's not much and I was not in the brightest of moods, but I did it and I'm glad. I also had a chat with a friend who's moving in my city in a few months. This will be good. Tomorrow, I'm having dinner with a close friend. I'll try to buy a pair of ice skates for D6. I'm also talking to a second lawyer... Hang in there, PMA!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I haven't posted much on your sitch, but I do often read about what you are up to....and I have so much admiration for you. You're irreppressible - like the duracell bunny! You work so hard at it all - and keep you keep plugging away at things.
A colleague once said to me that my gravestone will say - "God, but she tried!" And I think the same is true of you my friend. With all of the work you are doing, you will get there I'm sure. Not sure where "there" is for any of us. But I know it is a good place :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks a lot, Toots, for your very kind words. In case it can help others, let me explain in a nutshell where this energy comes from.
First, it seems to me that our nature defaults to pessimism and that to be realistic, one has to counterbalance with a dose of optimism. Just look around here: anyone who suffers a setback immediately says "it's over!" Or they will list the multiple reasons why it can't work out: W said she's done, she found someone, she moved out, she moved away, she cut off contacts, etc. Yet, all these things are also found in successful reconciliations. And there are multiple reasons why it can work out: she's still in touch, she broke up with OM, they have kids, things were good before OM, etc. But they don't list them. In any case, I have reached or I'm nearing the point where I realize that it's useless to make these assessments: I've no control over it and it doesn't change what I have to do, which is to work on myself.
Second, another shortcoming of our brains seems to be that we can hardly cope with uncertainty. It plays out strongly in situations like ours. I mentioned it earlier, but it's like the patient who says "I'd rather know today that I have cancer than wait another day for the test results!" Of course, this makes no sense. As the vets keep repeating, a normal sitch takes 9 to 24 months and gets really bad before it gets better. I'm four months into it. Let's not panic, let's enjoy the gift of time. To me, that's the "Be patient" mantra of DB. As I quoted Gandhi above: Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. It seems that anyone who has accomplished anything worthwhile has shown such indomitable will, so let's do it.
Finally, there's a reason that touches upon what you said: we will get there. Right now, reconciliation is the only positive outcome that my heart will accept. But I also know that as time passes by, my outlook evolves. Already, the shock is receding and I have moments of peace. They will become more common. I won't be in that state of shock for the next 40 years. In the near future (I don't like to think in timelines anymore), either my WAW will come back or I will reach a new place where I will be happy again. I will not become that person, mentioned somewhere here, who cries in the driveway of his ex 12 years later. Even better: this sitch has opened the likelihood that I will experience romantic passion once again in my life, be it through reconciliation or a new R with a new person. That's also a gift.
One more thing: when I feel defeated, I try not to write too much about it because I don't want to "preserve" it. I don't want a passing feeling to taint the next few hours or day or weeks. When I feel good, I talk about it and refer to it later as evidence that I can reach this place.
I understand very well how people can feel defeated or distressed. I experience it too. I'm only sharing my ways to cope with this right now knowing that in the end, we will survive this and be happy again.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks, Mozza. I follow you a bit and find your words and philosophy here comforting. I'm just starting to get glimpses of the hope and brightness that has everything to do with my future, whether or not H chooses he wants to be part of it.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
