Something i have a real problem wth is the fact that I truly didnt know that we we in trouble . Why did nt she say " Dawgy , Im not feeling it anymore , Im unhappy " then I could have done something about it or at least tried to fix what was wrong before it went further down into the pit . So to the comparison of you being offered the new job and being unhappy doesnt really work for me . You told your boss repeatedly that you were overworked and under appreciated and you gave him/her the chance to make it right and keep you. My wife didnt do that . I was shocked when i found out what she had done . She never once said she was unhappy . And if she showed it i chalked it up to the ebb and flow of a long term relationship . No one in a 20 + year R has been dancing around in complete bliss for that long . There are ups and downs . I f she was so unhappy she could have said so . Instead she let some POS into her life and ruined it for our whole family . She bears all responsibility for such behavior . The only thing i can own up to is not being able to read her mind and know she was unhappy . She still hasnt left . I wish she would . The longer she is here the more bitter ive become . Dawgy
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
dawgy, i understand your sentiment completely. my XW was still sending "inspirational pics" a month before she dropped the bomb. she told me it was to "buy time". this all stinks but it is life for right now. you can only control how you react to it.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Dawgy, my first 11 thread titles started with the word "blindsided". I truly was. I absolutely thought we were happy up until the moment of BD. I have no idea why H didn't come to me and say he was unhappy. I'll never know. But it doesn't matter now. It doesn't change what I need to do for my future.
Dawgy, you are becoming increasingly bitter and angry. And while that's understandable, is that the person you want to be? Choose something different.
Going through your threads again, I might have missed it but did you ever go through and read DB or DR? That would have mentioned what signs you could have seen that made your M fall apart.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes I read DB , Hindsight is a wonderful thing .If I only had have read DB before I knew my marriage was in trouble I may have been able to keep my marriage together . lol OR she could have communicated the fact she was unhappy . Hmmmm what seems to be the most logical ?? I know what your saying Mr Bond , but I truly thought we were stronger than Oak . Now I know that I am stronger than oak but she is weak as a toothpick . Dawgy
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Dawgy- I agree that reading DB (or any similar type book) would have been very helpful in building a strong, A proof M. I've even considered giving DB as a marriage gift to friends. Hindsight...
I bet if you do an honest reflection of your 23 yr M, you'd be able to identify some type of signs that W was not happy. A comment here, an interaction there... I thought W and I were perfectly happy, but when I look back, I now see what were warning signs. I've also tried putting myself in W's shoes to realize how unhappy she must have been to finally speak up about her unhappiness. Like my W, I'm sure yours had an internal battle on her feelings- maybe 3 to 5 years (or more) of thinking 'I'm not happy, but maybe this is what M is like' eventually turns into 'I need/want out.' I don't think anyone goes from 100% happy one day to wanting to D the next- it's a slow process in most cases.
If you truly believe some of the things you've posted recently about your wife being weak, you pit her, how she makes you more bitter by the day, etc- then file for D tomorrow. But I worry that in your next R, these same anger issues will eventually arise.
The post about my new job was just an example to try and give you an idea of how to place yourself into her shoes. Perhaps you can think of a time when you blindsided a family member or friend with a selfish act? I'm sure you've never done anything to the same magnitude of your W but the same basic feelings should apply.
I think we all feel blindsided and ask why didn't she just say something. Your W no doubt was telling you but not in a way you understood. In my sitch my W told me directly she was unhappy, as a concerned husband I would ask why? Is it your job? The house? Family/friends? Me? She would just say no to everything. She would tell me the "spark" was gone, I had no idea what this meant, we had been together 10 years and weren't into each other like we were at 18 but we still had plenty of good sex, held hands, kissed, laughed. She would say I can't talk to you about anything and I go to anyone else for support other then you, once again as a concerned husband I would say what can't you talk to me about? Why do you feel I don't support you? She would say nothing or I don't know. All the while she is saying these things she is working on a photo album of my baby pictures with my mom, then a week later it's "I love you but..."
Signs can slap you right in the face and you, exactly like me, likely just ignored them because doing the work of figuring out what the real problem was just too much effort. You need to own your mistakes in the relationship, you need to understand and forgive. I've met plenty of people who 10 years down the road are still fighting with there ex's because they refused to ever let go.
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
Sometimes I think this is all BS and it is really as simple as this . She was weak and slept with another man thinking she could get away with it . The sex was great , like a drug she didnt want to stop, . Then she got caught !!! Oh shait ! now what to do ??She knows we will never be the same again , so she goes into survival mode and decides that she must stay with OM to make it right .lololol But as we all know an affair relationship has about as much of a chance of survival as hell freezing over . And yes it lasted about a year and now its over . Hmmm she thinks, Now what am i gonna do ? Hence she still under our roof , cooking meals , doing my laundry and acting like a mother and somewhat of a wife again . BUT..... I dont think I want her anymore . She has done tooooo much damamge to ever come back from . But maybe not . Has anyones marriage survived this kind of Trauma ?? Anyone on here that can tell me they did it . Afterall I actually caught her and him naked in bed having sex . Dawgy
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Has anyones marriage survived this kind of Trauma ?? Anyone on here that can tell me they did it . Afterall I actually caught her and him naked in bed having sex.
If you're asking if anyone on here has survived their spouse having an A, you haven't been reading any other threads. Whether you caught them in bed or not, you know there was a PA and what that involves. Not to make light of what you walked in to- it makes me sick to envision my W and OM, so I can only imagine your feeling having actually walked in on it.
Dawgy, what is your hope in all of this? To save your M? To make yourself a better person? To D your W and always hold onto that anger? All of your posts are just about how angry you are, how much you despise W, how bitter you've become. At some point, you have to accept what happened and come to peace with it, whether you save your M or not. Why not start today?
Dawgy, I'm sure you'll get replies from people on the board, but let me tell you that, yes, marriages survive from that. My cousin cheated on her H in their house, he came in and caught them. They stayed together, and I can say they are happy as can be. I saw them last summer, and they were kind and affectionate with one another, told stories about their grandchildren. It is possible.
