train, 25yrs, others who kept up on my sitch

[MrBond]

I'm not exactly sure what the concern is. These seem like pretty minor issues and I understand that for you it probably stems from the bigger issue of you having been cheated on by him. Maybe he forgot to fill in gas. If it bothers you, then talk to him about it. If he doesn't listen, then don't give him your car.

[twinmom]

He did put gas in the car he just used his money to pay not mine. (We don't have any joint accounts now)

They are all very small things but I guess I am so scared the small lies will turn into big ones. How do I keep my mind from going in that direction?

[MrBond]

"They are all very small things but I guess I am so scared the small lies will turn into big ones."

This is why working on yourself while you were going through the process is important. Have you gone to IC for yourself?

[Jefe]

Lately I have been flipping out over little lies. It throws me into a tizzy when he lies. I would welcome some 2x4's on this subject.

His lies are to be nice to me but I just see it as a black/white lie and freak.

example, he gets DD iced coffee EVERY single morning. I make my coffee at home and get a DD coffee only if I am in a rush to be somewhere in the morning or if H has a free one due to reward points. Well Sunday he was going to get his coffee and he always asks if I want one, I almost always say no. I told him if he had enough points to get me one. Well he comes back with one........ and today I see the receipt from yesterday showing the points balance... he didn't have enough points, he just paid for it.

^^^ Be careful how you categorize things. This was not lying, this was a kind gesture, an act of service. I fail to see how this is a lie.

another example.... last night he was going to DD at 10:30pm because I decided to make plans for early this morning and he wouldn't have coffee til almost noon so he went last night and put it in the fridge. He decided to take my car and I warned him I needed gas and gave him my debit card. I look at my checking account this morning and no charge for gas.....

If he told you he was going to use his own debit card and and used yours instead, that's lying. If he simply ignored your request to use your money and kindly used his own.... Come on, Twin. You're above this.


You are clearly looking, hunting, searching for a shred of deceit from him. Why? So you can say: "Ahh Haa!" Help me understand.

[Jefe]

The more I ruminate on this the more something jumps out at me. You gave me a lot of grief about your perceived attitude of me. (right or wrong). The thing with the coffee. He bought you a coffee because you wanted one. You requested that he get it if he had enough points. He wanted to do it for you anyway. You found the receipt clearly showing he did it out of kindness. I wonder, did you approach him with gratitude about it or have you been acting stand-offish because you perceive that he lied?

Just a thought.

[Train]

Oh, yeah, twinmom. Let's not be out looking for things to be upset about. You have plenty of real things to be upset about. But H buying you coffee and paying for your gas? Um, hellerrr? Acts of service. Take it with a smile. (As long as he isn't neglecting his share of the household bills to spend frivolously. And he IS paying household bills, right?)

You asked some questions about what you should do now that H says he doesn't want a D but admits he isn't "in love" with you. twin, you're a smart cookie. How does what H said make YOU feel? What do YOU think you should do? What are your goals? What do you want, sweetie? Spell that out for us.

And tell me: Are you comfortable being alone? Do you feel confident when you picture yourself being a single mom with limited help, and limited financial support, from your H?

Also, have you read 5LL? Have you and H ever taken the quiz to find out what your LL is?

[25yearsmlc]

Twin,

I gotta go with Train and Jef on this one sweetie. I know the other posts had some darn upsetting things in them, but this?? This "coffee with his own money" does not rise to any level of anything.

Just giving it to you straight.

Oh, yeah, twinmom. Let's not be out looking for things to be upset about. You have plenty of real things to be upset about.

exactly. This sort of trivializes the other issues.

Make sense?


But H buying you coffee and paying for your gas? Um, hellerrr? Acts of service.
Y---What are your goals? What do you want, sweetie? Spell that out for us.
--

Also, have you read 5LL? Have you and H ever taken the quiz to find out what your LL is?

Everyone ought to read this ^^ book a few times. It's not earth shattering but a great reminder NOT to turn away from love, b/c it's not wrapped how we want it wrapped. It's still love.

[twinmom]

Ok, will respond as I have free hands to type :-)
First, everyone is right. But I have thought about it a lot lately and realized I am not really mad about him paying for things. I find that when I have flashbacks and those days that feel like BD was yesterday I tend to look for something to be mad about. I guess I feel like being mad about what occurred almost a year ago (and ongoing til summer) is not gong to get me anywhere. Kind of like "aren't you over that already" so I look for new things he does wrong.

The money issue has always been hard for us. We are both very independent and it's SUPER hard for me to not contribute equally. Yes, he pays bills except for my car insurance that he was paying and I had it changed to my bank account for the withdraw. I also pay the direct tv and internet bills because they are in my name and I changed them to come out of my account. I pay my cell phone bill by calling into Sprint and make a payment for my half (his mom is on the account too but H is still on OW family plan with AT&T). I pay for all groceries/household supplies, all entertainment, my two older boys school tuition and the extras like sports and Christmas/birthday presents.

It's easier for me to get angry about something like this than to tell him "I'm angry AGAIN that you did those horrible things to me"

[twinmom]

Jefe, I am totally stand offish to him about it. I will snap that I don't know why he has to be a LIAR and I always find out so why lie?

I guess (right or wrong) I felt like I was at a place where I was no longer in full DB'ing mode where I needed to STFU and not let my emotions show. For me that can't be maintained this long. I give credit to those that can do it.

[twinmom]

25, yes I have read that book. H has not read any marriage books. He took the quiz but it was when he was head over heels in love with OW, does that make a difference?
He is so different with me than he was with her.

My primary LL is physical touch. Nothing else even comes close. I have told him I need to be held/hugged/kissed more than once per day and he doesn't do it. He just kisses me goodbye in the morning. If I hug/kiss/hold him he will reciprocate but he doesn't initiate except for the goodbye one.
His LL is words with time together as a close second.