Continuing DBing...

[Jefe]

Good job, Peter. That's awesome news on all fronts.

[shodan]

Peter

I just caught up on our post. My W and I are in a similar spot. We are coexisting and having fun but I know I am more into the R than she is. She says she loves me (normally in response to me saying it but she has left me a few messages where she ends the voicemail with "love you") but I sense that she is not "in love" with me.

I also have the same text relationship with my W. I want more from her b/c it is a common courtesy between husband and wife. I also want her to want to text/call me. But, she has to want to do those things. Asking her for it may provide some assurance but does it really help in the long term if she is doing it b/c you asked for it rather than b/c she wants to.

I think both of us see how to fix the M but our wives do not see it so clearly. It still will take a ton of time so I agree with your assessment to look at the positives and the changes in the past 6-12 months. But, don't let your self worth rely on these interactions. Don't let her feelings for you determine whether you have a good day or not.

[PeterV2]

Got into a bit of a R talk this evening. Round and round the same old crap. She can't get past the past. Doesn't want any pressure. Wants time in isolation to gather her thoughts.

Maybe I said too much, but I just want to start on the reconciliation process. She's nowhere near ready.

It's driving me crazy. If I could leave town for a while I would, but there's too much on my plate right now.

[PeterV2]

Yeah I hear you Shodan. It's just so hard sometimes. Good days & bad days. We both have them. I'm just a little down today. Gotta pull myself up by the bootstraps.

[Complex]

Starsky recommended me the book "Boundaries" by John Townsend. Maybe that'll help you some in your situation.
Also remind yourself that women want to be told what they have to do sometimes. Your situation might need some leadership. But it's a fine line betwwen pressure and taking charge of the moment. Do it with love. But don't let her slip away, that's what happened to me.
Hope it helps.

[PeterV2]

I realize I can't let her feelings affect me. She may say things to blame me for past ills or bring up past transgressions to justify her present coolness.

Those are her current feelings and are valid for her. No sense me arguing my reasoning for past ills. I won't argue. I'll just acknowledge her feelings.

And furthermore, just because she's expressing her feelings does not mean it's about me. It's about her, and her reactions to her own thoughts. It's not about me. So therefore I should not take her expression of those feelings personally.

When I used to take them personally, I would get into a sparring match about justifying what I used to do, or explaining where I was at in my mind in those days. Totally counterproductive and useless in moving forward. We'd just go around the same old circle again and again.

So I've decided not to take any of her blaming personally. It's just her expressing her reactions to her own thoughts. I'll just listen and validate the fact that her feelings must be tough to deal with on a daily basis.

I'll just listen and stop arguing. I won't get defensive and I'll let her vent - that's what she needs and I'll be there to meet those needs. I'll be a compassionate and empathetic listener. I won't try to fix it. I won't defend past actions. I cannot change the past. I can only change how I react to the situations that arise today in this moment.

[PeterV2]

Got the mobile phone bill today and it was higher than usual so I looked at it closely and saw that she call the OM on Jan 3 when she was in Florida. I'm devastated once again. Or maybe I'm just angry. I had told her a few days earlier that I trusted her completely. Obviously I'm mistaken to have trusted her.

When she gets back from Cancun I think I'll ask her what that was all about - is she seeing him again? Or did she call him to tell him she's leaving him for good. IDK. Or planning her exit from a life with me. I'm just mind reading and here I go again with my vivid imagination.

But it is infuriating. I think it's time to set some boundaries.

[twinmom]

I agree with the boundaries.... I need to do the same!

[Starsky309]

I think it's time to set some boundaries.

Long overdue.


Starsky

[PeterV2]

So I had a session with my MC today. W is away in Cancun with her "girlfriends" until Sunday or Monday. I've decided to tell her when she gets home that I cannot live in limbo anymore and need to know if she is ready to reconcile. And we'll get together on Friday for her to give me an answer. In the meantime if she needs to talk to our MC or someone she has time to mull it over. If she chooses to reconcile then that means full transparency, counselling, physical intimacy and a lot of work at fixing the marriage. If she chooses not to reconcile then it's over and we move on, but I cannot take this limbo anymore.

I'm moving back home on Sunday night. I've hire a couple of people to do the nights at the RH which W used to do but I've been doing since end of November. I want to sleep in my own bed again. I can't take it anymore and I'm willing to pay people to do the night shifts - mostly sleeping. Sure it's costing my corporation a few bucks but my sanity is worth it. And W's corporation is not hiring them - mine is. So she has no recourse to blame me for hiring behind her back, even though I've been running the RH since November at the same time as running my own business.

I'm now at the end of my rope. This is the After The Last Resort technique. I'll let y'all know how it works out. My MC doesn't think her choice will be reconciliation. There will be much crying and gnashing of teeth. She'll say I'm pressuring her. That I'm only concerned for my own agenda. But I will be firm and say that it's been a year and I cannot live in limbo anymore. And I'm prepared fully for any eventuality that may propagate from this so-called ultimatum. But I'll deliver it just from my own authentic feelings that I cannot live in limbo.

My hope is that she decides to reconcile. But it could go either way. I just need to be gentle and calm and loving and firm. I've done a lot of work on myself over the past year and I'm proud of my progress and comfortable in my own skin. So whatever happens I'm ok with. I'll be ok. The pain will go away. I deserve to be loved. Whether it's my W who ends up loving me or someone else, I'll be ok. I just need to give love.