Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[zew]

Another question: she's currently sleeping in the guest room bc I told her I don't want to and she's doing me the favor. Should I offer to sleep there (it's my office anyway) or just let it be and let her sleep there???

You are the stable force in the M, right? You didn't leave her, right? Who should bear the inconvenience of their actions?

[Complex]

I am now after I hit rock bottom. Before I was so angry and confused. I even downloaded a dating app just over a week ago out of desperation for acknowledgment. Which she found out and accused me of a double standard. And she was right.
I deleted it again and decided to stand for for my own values and my committment.
Now I just have to continue to DB and love until she hopefully notices my changes. It will take time. In the meantime she probably thinks all her actions are justified now.

I feel bad this morning. Hardly got out of bed. Maybe also because I worked out yesterday.
The main problem I have is my stomach. It's in constant pain. Like painful butterflies. For over a week now, it doesn't stop at all and makes me feel very numb. I don't eat nearly as much as I used to. First few days after rock bottom I hardky ate anything...

[Complex]

Any thoughts on this?


Completely different approach.
I feel like a doormat this morning. W is still in complete denial, not telling me anything and hiding her A from everyone else too.

I am now 100% sure W wants to make the A "legit" and "real love" first and get the confirmation from OM so everyone (family, friends, me) will "understand" and then time will heal it. That is her approach, which is ...........well we all know.

I will ask Denise what she thinks.

I am strong still but that I am the doormat here sinks in more and more.
I want to do this right, the loving way. And I don't want to do anything stupid. Timing doesn't seem right now. She will think I am extremely selfish and it might kill the A but drive me far far away and also jeopardize my safe citizenship, although I am almost certain she wouldn't do this to me, and if she would, that is all I need to know.
I will get multiple opinions on this before I do ANYTHING.

So can I please have your guys' too?

[25yearsmlc]

Any thoughts on this?


Any thoughts on----On your stomach pain?

The "DB diet" also known as the "Grief induced weight loss" is common here. We all tend to lose weight.

But that's not to say you shouldn't get it checked out or treated. I think a visit to the doctor's is a good idea. Tell them what is going on and see what they say.

Completely different approach.

wait, what?

Why? You have not done ANY DB approach for more than an hour. You have to choose something and stick to it for months before you can assess how it is working. If you keep changing your mind and your approach, no wonder nothing is working.

Do you see how "uncommitted" and undisciplined that looks and how that is the "same old you"??


I feel like a doormat this morning. W is still in complete denial, not telling me anything and hiding her A from everyone else too.

What is there for HER to say? She thinks she "loves OM" and she has admitted that to you. Why would she shout that out to the world while the marriage to you is still legal? And frankly Complex, her telling the world is worse for YOU.

DO you get that? The more she tells the world, then the more committed to OM she is.

Do NOT Push her into solidifying their relationship or publicizing it.

That's a bad idea and does NOT HELP YOU.
.

I am now 100% sure W wants to make the A "legit" and "real love" first and get the confirmation from OM so everyone (family, friends, me) will "understand" and then time will heal it. That is her approach, which is ...........well we all know.

I will ask Denise what she thinks.


Please do.

I am strong still but that I am the doormat here sinks in more and more.
I want to do this right, the loving way. And I don't want to do anything stupid.

then stop vacillating, (changing your mind and your approach) and stick to an approach for some real TIME.


Timing doesn't seem right now. She will think I am extremely selfish and it might kill the A but drive me far far away and also jeopardize my safe citizenship, although I am almost certain she wouldn't do this to me, and if she would, that is all I need to know.
I will get multiple opinions on this before I do ANYTHING.
So can I please have your guys' too?

What are you asking, specifically?

[zew]

25, let me help out here...

Any thoughts on this?

<deleted reference to an article that advocates affair exposure>

Completely different approach

Complex, DB does not advocate exposure of the A. I happen to agree (after exposing the A myself, of course). It never turns out the way you planned. You have to accept the fact that you cannot remedy this whole situation with quick fixes like exposing the A.

[Complex]

25year.
I actually posted a link, which seem to got deleted by the admin. Maybe it was against the rules.
There is another approach out there to BIG TIME expose the affair and blow everything up.

But I am not sure if I like that. It is such a dramatic approach. And I am not sure Jesus would do that...

[Complex]

Sry for posting the link. I guess I didn't read the board rules. Just wanted to have an opinion on it,...one that I actually already had myself. It just doesn't feel right to do such thing.

Glad I ended up in the right place, with people having the hearts in the right spot.

[Complex]

So back to the topic after my mistake of posting something I shouldn't have.

NO exposing myself and NO pushing W to expose herself. It totally makes sense that it will just make her commit to OM.
It is hard tho, especially when you know that she is lying to you and her purpose is to justify A.

DB Coach told me to even not leak any details if family is asking me for reasons. It is a VERY respectful approach. And I agree things might backfire. And in the end everyone will see the reasons anyway. The temptation is immense to make family oppose D. And I am sure they will anyway, but the pressure won't help. Whatever you tell them needs to be done very cautious with a LOT of respect and love.
If they are good people they might talk to her anyway to at least look at the different alleys she can go.

And She actually said she is tending towards me saying NOTHING if she brings up D or OM. Because if I do state my position on this (that I do not agree and support that) then she might just say "yes, and that's why we can't be together".

I did not find an answer to

I am now 100% sure W wants to make the A "legit" and "real love" first and get the confirmation from OM so everyone (family, friends, me) will "understand" and then time will heal it. That is her approach, which is ...........well we all know.

So all she is doing right now is trying to find an "easy" way to get OM in her life and make everything "look good" at the same time.

She still must be confused trying to figure things out herself. Otherwise I'd think she could just tell everyone and anyone and be done with it. It's ridiculous how she actually awaits "confirmation" from OM. DB coach told me it sounds like there is a "challenge" for her to "get him", but also that these kind of R are generally doomed to fail, which we all know.

Eventually she will realize that how she did it was the wrong way and it's likely their R will fail and she will be alone. If she will be happy for the rest of her life, so be it. After all I love her from the bottom of my heart.



I am excited how everything will come together the next couple months or so...and how I (!!!) will come together.


The Coaching session first didn't feel like I gained a whole lot of new information, I mostly learned a lot about MYSELF, because I recorded the session via Skype and re listened to it. It is AWESOME to hear your own words and then the "reaction" of the coach, knowing exactly what you are actually saying and how you still are "stuck" in your hear with your thought and not detached enough!
If you do coaching, record it and listen to it, you will be surprised by yourself.

[Complex]

Since I told my boss/friend, and some of my friends and also parents I get bombarded with different opinions.
I stayed firm on the DB techniques (I didn't specify) and told them I want to do it the "right" way. Because I married my wife for a reason and I will take this opportunity to become a better person, with or without her. I'm moving forward but I'm not "giving up" so at the end of my life I can say to myself I did everything I can, no regrets.

But there are wide opinions of course, from "she's crazy, it's terribly wrong how what she is doing", to "ask her to do counseling", "you guys have to TALK". I agree on everything everyone is saying (only my mentor and parents know all details) but regardless I am defending her and my marriage. It feels like the right thing to do.
One advice I'll probably take and see a lawyer just to get informed about my legal situation.

I think I am completely on the right track with my heart.
The only thing I am definitely struggling with is boundaries, and that I sometimes feel like a door mat....and the never ending pain. Especially knowing that my wife is still doing things terribly wrong, and I know she's better than this. I KNOW that when she realizes that I'm not so bad after all and a great person that is moving into the right direction with big steps, she will open up to me again.
If it's going to save our marriage??? ....that I don't know.
Unless she is understanding many of the things that I've recently learned and opening her heart I could not go back into a R with her. And like I said..I'm moving to a pessimistic point of view on how everything will play out. It's such a sad thing Marriage means nothing anymore in this world

How do you deal with friend and family "advice"?
And in general...how did/do you keep yourself ALIVE?^^


Btw, yesterday when my wife was lying on the couch sleeping, I looked at her and she looked kinda cute, but she also looked like a very weak & confused person.

Do WAWs actually ever reach a breaking point where they think they are completely nuts and they get depressed and question everything they are doing?

[DaddyLongShanks]

Since I told my boss/friend, and some of my friends and also parents I get bombarded with different opinions.
I stayed firm on the DB techniques (I didn't specify) and told them I want to do it the "right" way. Because I married my wife for a reason and I will take this opportunity to become a better person, with or without her. I'm moving forward but I'm not "giving up" so at the end of my life I can say to myself I did everything I can, no regrets.

But there are wide opinions of course, from "she's crazy, it's terribly wrong how what she is doing", to "ask her to do counseling", "you guys have to TALK". I agree on everything everyone is saying (only my mentor and parents know all details) but regardless I am defending her and my marriage. It feels like the right thing to do.
One advice I'll probably take and see a lawyer just to get informed about my legal situation.

I think I am completely on the right track with my heart.
The only thing I am definitely struggling with is boundaries, and that I sometimes feel like a door mat....and the never ending pain. Especially knowing that my wife is still doing things terribly wrong, and I know she's better than this. I KNOW that when she realizes that I'm not so bad after all and a great person that is moving into the right direction with big steps, she will open up to me again.
If it's going to save our marriage??? ....that I don't know.
Unless she is understanding many of the things that I've recently learned and opening her heart I could not go back into a R with her. And like I said..I'm moving to a pessimistic point of view on how everything will play out. It's such a sad thing Marriage means nothing anymore in this world

How do you deal with friend and family "advice"?
And in general...how did/do you keep yourself ALIVE?^^


Btw, yesterday when my wife was lying on the couch sleeping, I looked at her and she looked kinda cute, but she also looked like a very weak & confused person.

Do WAWs actually ever reach a breaking point where they think they are completely nuts and they get depressed and question everything they are doing?

I would stick to DB coaches and people who know these situations. Don't try to validate with the world, they don't usually understand properly. Your going to be fine with or without the wife. I hope you can accept that.