New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

As this is a big week, I am deciding to share my D day letter. I plan on giving this letter to her sometime after signing. Probably not that day, but soon there after. My reason for this is an attempt to put my feelings out there, take real responsibility for my role, and an attempt to be heard. I felt like I was unheard most of the time. I've literally spent months on this and changed it over 200 times. But, I am not too proud to not change it. I am open to any and all comments.

STBX,
A person who loves their spouse does not do anything unloving or unkind in manner, word or action. Love is what love does. I now believe I was unfaithful and mentally divorced from you. I was oblivious to your pain and its depth, trivialized your perspective, and was consumed with distractions, was withdrawn and overly critical, and that’s just for starters. I changed into an ugly version of myself, a person I am not happy to have known.

Divorce is an individual problem. It cannot be generalized. Of course, for some there should never be a marriage. For others, divorce is no more a solution than marriage for a lonely man. For me, it is unfortunate that your actions, not your words, were the catalyst I needed for personal growth. I lost my way and myself. I focused on being a victim of circumstance in a situation I couldn’t change or control, rather than being in control of my happiness and my life. I felt entitled to happiness, and expected it to happen to me without work or effort. Obviously, that is a ridiculous notion. Animosity and fear were always in my closet, both on an individual level and as a partner, preventing me from confronting my issues with compassion. I also don’t believe I had any goals or direction in my own life. I let the company I kept to dictate my life priorities rather than taking ownership over them.

I don’t know if I will ever fully understand your perspective, complete reasoning or at what moment you made the decision. Your reasons are yours, it no longer matters what my opinion of these things may or may not be, my acceptance and related animosity or feelings, are issues I need to deal with. I do hear anger on the phone and in emails. I worry that the process of divorce and the related tasks will not give us a solution to our problem(s), and that hurt will live on. I now believe words carry weight, whether spoken or unspoken. Dealing with that hurt will happen at our own speed and in our own way.

I believe we had something most only hope to find. But, life changed us. Regardless, it came natural for me to love you at day one with the tan sweater and brown tank top. My intention from that day was always to give you the best of me everyday, and for you to be proud of your life and ours. I wanted to be a part of your happily ever after. Creating a family. Writing a book. Going to Fiji. Similarly, you were the only one I wanted to be a part of mine.

My hope for you is that you live life to the fullest, love with every fiber of your being and laugh with your whole body each and every day.

Sincerely & Lovingly Yours,
mahhhty

[Squiggy]

mahhhty,

Despite the reason for this letter, it is one of the most thoughtful things I have read. I see the work you have put into yourself through your words. It brought tears to my eyes to read and thoroughly relate to your thoughts and feelings regarding the progress of your marriage. I wish nothing but the best for you and have no doubt that you will, in the end, make someone feel truly special in the way you outlined.

[mahhhty]

Thanks Squiggy. I appreciate that.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I worry that IF your wife has been cheating on you this entire time (which is highly likely based upon my experience), then you will likely regret giving her this letter.

If she's not cheating on you it's nice but I don't understand waiting until AFTER the divorce to state your feelings. Many people stop divorces the day and week of them becoming final. They get second thoughts and change their mind (or their affair partner dumps them). Give it to her today and you can get this letter off your desk and your mind sooner. You can release it along with her. Lest you rewrite it three or four more times between now and then.

Also...unless you actually cheated on her I'd have you remove the phrase "I was unfaithful and mentally divorced from you". You didn't and don't want to be divorced at all from her. That's why you came to DB, right? This phrase just strikes me as "you divorcing me is fine since I was unfaithful and divorced you mentally long ago". That's how your kids may read this someday too. I mean, there's owning your villagers and there's owning the village. I'd have you cut down that whole first paragraph immensely. Should you ever get the chance to express that verbally someday...then own your stuff more explicitly in person when you can add context; but this is in writing and could be used to say "see, it was your dad's fault...that's why I left you guys".

[lost18]

We have a phone call this AM to go over outstanding actions. She was sighing and making noises at some of my responses (anytime I disagreed with her). I stopped, composed myself and said "Why are you angry with me?" Her reply was that she has a lot of animosity built up. I tried to open the door for her to tell me why. She didn't. And I replied "You are not very talkative today." This was an obvious error and does nothing to help me, I see that.

Don't beat yourself up over that..it certainly isn't the end of the world.

As far as your letter, as amazing as it is, I would just ask what you're hoping (if anything) to get from giving it to her? I really don't have any advice as to what to do...I wish a vet would chime in on that.

Sorry about your upcoming D. have fun hiking anyway!

[mahhhty]

Thanks Lost. I think the letter was my attempt to open up. Obviously I am hoping it makes an impact. But I can't imagine a world in which this train is stopped.

[mahhhty]

Been a really stressful couple of days. Thanks Squiggy and Lost (as always) for the feedback.

Approaching the close is very difficult. Although the paperwork is mostly done I can tell she feels slighted. Her own Mother reprimanded me today about how she doesn't agree with the CS situation. Does she not understand I am on the cusp of not even being able to afford a life. Does anyone understand that I have to take out a loan to pay her. It seems so odd to me that I can be so flexible but still be the bad guy.

I have been struggling with the letter, with the papers, with all contact and decisions. Today she told me about a vacation she wants to plan. And taking the kids on a plane trip to VA. I always wanted to be a part of the kids first plane experience. This is a memory I won't have and won't contribute to. The finality of it all.

And honestly, I don't have a good reason or full understand of why. Acceptance without understanding.

I can feel my old brain twisting and contorting within myself to try and get out, try to be heard, try to change the future, try to ask her why, try to gain more clarity. Something I have kept at bay for a long time, is trying to emerge as we get closer to the end. However, my new brain says to stop, don't pick up the phone, don't write that email. You are going to her, she needs to come to you. Only then will she be ready.

My old brain just keeps telling me to call her, talk to her about how you feel, talk to her about why she believes what she does, ask again if there is someone else. But the new brain kicks in. It won't matter. It won't make a difference. It doesn't move you in a positive direction, it may move you in a negative one.

This is the hardest thing I have ever been a part of.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Who lives in Virginia???

Plane your own vacation with the kids before her and make memories of their first plane trip WITH YOU.

I know you are broke but there are huge deals out there to be had.

[lost18]

That answers your question on if you should give it to her or not. I understand, I still have an email in my draft folder that I wrote several months ago. Will it make you feel better? Maybe. Will it have an impact? Maybe. Will it be a positive one? Who knows. The question is will giving her the letter bring you closer to your goal? BTW there are people who have reconciled after D. If that is something you still want your journey is not over.

[lost18]

I did something to my page and I can't get figure out how to get it back...I can't quote, change fonts or color. It would be easier to reply to this.

Sorry you're stressed. I know you this is a tough week for you. Try not to worry about being the bad guy, I'm guessing the court has a formula to determine child support, as long as your kids are taken care of than you're doing your job. YOU should be able to have a life, nice she can afford to plan a vacation.

My brother went thru a pretty ugly divorce and a couple of years ago he brought his kids here to visit (WI to FL). He didn't have much money and I suggested he drive because it would be a lot less expensive than 4 plane tix. One of his things was wanting to take his kids on a plane for their first time (before his xw did.) In retrospect I'm not sure it really mattered to the kids, but it did to my brother. Your kids are young, you have plenty of time to make memories of your own with them, I'm guessing your son won't remember it as his first plane ride anyway.

I truly do understand you wanting to listen to your "old brain," I struggle everyday not saying something to my H, it's ok to want to do that, as long as you don't (right now) because you know it won't move you in a positive direction.

I know you mentioned something about losing your sense of fashion. Go buy yourself a new outfit (ask a sales girl for help) and make sure to look your best next time you see her.

You're doing great M! Remember, focus on the process, not the outcome.