Going through D

[MrBond]

Ok, you do understand how short a time frame that is for you to "change" right? If you've had those anger issues for so many years, a month isn't going to show anything. It's going to take patience and understanding on your part. Personally, the getting angry at God is a bit messed up. Rather than looking at what He wasn't giving you, did you ever think of seeing what He was?

If you were as bad as you described, I wouldn't trust your changes either if I were your W. You have to prove it to her little by little.

In what ways have you actually changed? Has your attitude or outlook changed any?

[ho2mh]

MrBond,
I know it has not been very long. I am a work in progress. I don't expect huge changes overnight.
People can become angry at God for many reasons, whether it seems rational or not. It may seem messed up to you but it felt real to me.
I have accepted that my actions caused my W to leave. I know that I can control my anger and I need to take responsibility. The anger that I have felt has been less frequent and less intense. It is a positive step and it makes me want to continue in that positive direction. This positive step is starting to change my attitude.
I am starting to think differently than I use to and I'm making better choices.

[Gerda]

I think sometimes the replies one gets here sound so harsh and critical. We all have a long way to go, but it's great that you have started that journey! All of us here have made so many mistakes we regret, and I think if any of us knew how long our stand would be, we would not have undertaken it. But let me assure you from experience that if you commit yourself to improving yourself, God will notice, your W will notice, everything will change. But it will take a LOOOOOOONG time. I remember when I started this in Dec of 2013, I thought it would be done by the fall. By the fall, I thought it couldn't get worse. Then in the fall I got breast cancer and had to go through that without any support from my in-home prodigal. And now i understand I could have another year, another two, another three, and I just have to wait and commit myself to becoming a light and not worrying about what he is doing or thinking or noticing. He did write me a beautiful birthday card this year, after forgetting my birthday for two years in a row before that, and it was all about how watching me in the past year, he feels I am the quintessence of "good character." I realized that slowly, slowly, slowly, he is seeing me in a new light. And I want to be a light to him, but now I want most of all to be a light to everyone, not just him. But it only works if you commit yourself to working on yourself from now til the day you die. And you can pray by telling God you are angry, do that for a while until something new hits your heart, it will, if you ask God to change your heart especially but maybe even if you don't, worked for Job! It did for me.

A book that helped me so much is "Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering."

Rejoice Ministries daily e-mail helped me a lot too.

[MrBond]

"People can become angry at God for many reasons, whether it seems rational or not. It may seem messed up to you but it felt real to me."

Let me rephrase. The issue with your anger against God is not that it's God's fault. It's more about your not liking things that occur outside of your control. Like your MIL incident. You can't control what they do, BUT you can control your reaction to them. You didn't have to hold on to the anger for years, but you chose to.

Anger is a choice. I'm glad that you are on the way to recovery, but understanding is one thing. I hope you continue with your positive interactions with others.

Did you ever yell at your W or throw things, slam doors, etc. when you were angry?

[sandi2]

Letting go of my W is difficult after 19 years.
I still love my W. Once the D is final, I keep thinking I will be nothing but a fading memory to her and the chances of us getting back together will be zero.

Yes, I am sure it is not easy to let go. It takes self-discipline and determination to turn loose of something we want. I hope you will not look at letting go in a defeated sense, but a choice. It can be your starter plan to make the next chapter of your life better. Letting go of what you have no control or power over can be very freeing. it doesn't mean you have to stop loving her. It does mean that you won't spend the rest of your life in mourning. It means you set out to live a better life, even if it means without her.

You will not be just a fading memory to her. You shared many years of your life together. She may want to forget a lot of things, and to move forward with a new life.......but she won't just erase you from her mind. Having a break from you may actually increase chances of a future, there is just no way of knowing at this point.

Have you considered counseling for your anger issues? Sometimes we need help with things we don't know how to work through or rise above.

I don't know if you were raised in a religious family or not. I can see how you could feel resentment when you did as they said and yet did not see the results you were seeking. It is sad when one feels God has abandoned them. This can be a part of depression, feeling defeated, a reference point for blame, misguided concepts, etc. Everyone is different. But even in anger, it is a pain that spiritual counseling may be able to help. I would think this is essential for inner happiness, if you believe in God.

Don't give up on yourself. Your mental, emotional, and spiritual health is of most importance to your healing. Don't be so focused on just your W divorcing you that you neglect these areas.

[HeavyD]

I am so sorry Sandi. 19 years is a long time, a life time actually.

I too am going through the process and it's been 19 years too.

I am very sad as I imagine you are too. However, this is not a reflection of us, just one part of us that took two people to create and destroy.

Don't beat yourself up, have faith in God, you will persevere.

[ho2mh]

I think sometimes the replies one gets here sound so harsh and critical. We all have a long way to go, but it's great that you have started that journey! All of us here have made so many mistakes we regret, and I think if any of us knew how long our stand would be, we would not have undertaken it. But let me assure you from experience that if you commit yourself to improving yourself, God will notice, your W will notice, everything will change. But it will take a LOOOOOOONG time. I remember when I started this in Dec of 2013, I thought it would be done by the fall. By the fall, I thought it couldn't get worse. Then in the fall I got breast cancer and had to go through that without any support from my in-home prodigal. And now i understand I could have another year, another two, another three, and I just have to wait and commit myself to becoming a light and not worrying about what he is doing or thinking or noticing. He did write me a beautiful birthday card this year, after forgetting my birthday for two years in a row before that, and it was all about how watching me in the past year, he feels I am the quintessence of "good character." I realized that slowly, slowly, slowly, he is seeing me in a new light. And I want to be a light to him, but now I want most of all to be a light to everyone, not just him. But it only works if you commit yourself to working on yourself from now til the day you die. And you can pray by telling God you are angry, do that for a while until something new hits your heart, it will, if you ask God to change your heart especially but maybe even if you don't, worked for Job! It did for me.

A book that helped me so much is "Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering."

Rejoice Ministries daily e-mail helped me a lot too.

Thanks for the encouraging words. Your story is inspiring
I was a different person back in the 90's and early 2000's. That's the person my W fell in love with.
I am trying to rebuild my relationship with God. I have been praying. When I do pray sometimes I think, "why would God want anything to do with me at this point?"
My W is so angry, bitter and cold hearted toward me but I also know she is hurting and in pain. I am ridden with guilt that I caused this.
Sorry to hear about your cancer. Can't imagine what that's like.
I will check out the book you recommended.

[ho2mh]

"Did you ever yell at your W or throw things, slam doors, etc. when you were angry?"

I yelled a couple of times. I never threw things. I have slammed doors a probably a dozen times over the years.

[MrBond]

"I yelled a couple of times. "

This doesn't sound like much to be considered a problem. Be honest.

How are your interactions with your W currently? What other issues were there besides your anger and job? How was your intimacy? How did you treat her on a day to day basis?

[ho2mh]

"it doesn't mean you have to stop loving her."

If I have to live the rest of my life without her then I feel like I need to stop loving her.


"Having a break from you may actually increase chances of a future, there is just no way of knowing at this point."

I hope that it will increase our chances of a future.


"Have you considered counseling for your anger issues?"

I have been in counseling since Dec.
Making progress.

.