The awakening of ME Part 2

[mleigh4]

Thanks guys. I will go to see his new digs either if S wants me to go, or when I am comfortable. In the meantime, focus stays on me and S.

H went to hockey game last night so S and I hung out, played board games and had pizza. I was able to shake off my mom's verbal abuse and H's signing papers on a place. I was able to enjoy my night. I think I am getting the hang of this! Usually this would consume me, but I am not giving them that power.

This morning H ran off to his dad's to borrow his trailer, to move stuff I assume. Good ol' FIL. Always there to the rescue. I wonder if he will help H move out like he did me? I love him, but some things he should stay out of. IDK, just the way I feel.

So S is stuck running some errands with me today. I plan on doing some reading, some yoga, maybe a nap. Whatever I need to do to keep myself occupied.

[mleigh4]

One additional thing I am anticipating and not looking forward to is that I get the feeling this move will be dragged out.

For me, I made a decision, found a place in 1 day of looking, put a deposit down that day, and moved out 5 days later in 1 day. I believe in ripping the band aid off and getting it over with.

I know H. He is going to move a little here, move a little there. This will be dragged out and mulled over. I just know it. It's going to take a lot of patience on my part, but I guess I can just go into the mindset to expect it and prepare for it.

Just go with it....don't push it and don't get in the way. I need to let H do this.....his way....

So I assume I should just go on like normal and keep living my life, act as if? Keep home a safe, comfortable and warm environment? Just stay out of the way as he moves stuff out?

This is new territory for me....any advise will help

[job]

Yep, you just go on w/your life and keep living it just as you always have. Your son may need some extra TLC and you may have to sit him down and chat about what's going on, but but it might be better if both you and your h tell your son together and reassure him that both of you will be there for him.

As far as him dragging it out...he might. I would let him pack up his stuff and move it. Just make sure you take a photo of every room and the contents before he starts. You don't want to end up w/valuables disappearing or something that you use go missing.

It's going to be okay. The tension in the home will be far less w/him living on his own and you won't be focusing on what he's doing, where he's going, etc. Your focus will then be on you, your son, the pets and your home.

Hang in there. You will need to dig deeper for patience if he drags out the move.

[mleigh4]

Last night H mentioned that he needs a microwave for his new place. We talked about him taking ours and updating what we have with new microwave and stove. He said this is the time to do it! Whatever that means. He brought up that he planned on taking today off and would take us to see the house if I want. He is just relentless about this! So I told him that I was taking in my truck to mechanic for oil change and inspection, to get the all clear for our socal trip next month. I said S and I were going to hang out and wait, but if he wanted, he could pick us up and take us, since we were going to be close to this house.

So H came and got us while we were waiting for my truck. Was weird, he walked in and said he was there to pick up his wife. Who me?? Is that who I am? I had forgotten. Lol.

Anyway, off we go. It is a small farm house. It has land, a barn, a workshop, plenty of room for him to tinker. It fits H to a tee, just what he has always wanted. And my heart dropped. We went inside, it's old, but again fits him. He walked us around and told us about all his plans. He is going to refinish the cabinets, patch up the walls, make a horseshoe pit, make a track for a go cart, install an air conditioner....blah blah blah. He was practically skipping, and full of excitement. And the walls felt like they were closing around me. I had been quiet, but then all of sudden blurted out "so you are planning long term here??" H looked at me and it was like he caught himself. He said he took the place because it is month to month, no lease, because he didn't know if he was going to like this or not. He said all the projects are to keep him busy, and to keep his mind busy.

So I pulled myself together and went with it all, for my son's sake, but I just kept thinking, you are tearing your family apart for THIS? I don't know why that surprises me. I mean, my H connects with things, not people. He has always been that way.

So we finished up the grand tour, I thought I did well. I only said that as his wife, I hated it all, but as his friend, the place is perfect for him. I tried to make light of it all, he just gave me a half smile.

He dropped S and I back off to get my truck and said he was going to grab some things and go back over there to do some little things.

So you know how God works in mysterious ways? I get back to the mechanic, maybe I looked shell shocked or something. IDK. But he asks me how long I've been married. I told him 10 years. He said that is good, marriage is really good. I just busted up laughing, couldn't help it, and he laughed and said it can be hard. He made a roller coaster motion with his hands. So I said yes, it is hard, and I made the motion of the roller coaster going down. So here is where God comes in. He said to me not to worry, all marriages have there ups and downs, it's normal. He said just hang in there. I held back tears, got my keys and S and I came home.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

Yeah ... its amazing how insensitive they are, Thats one of my peeves about this MLC beast, its like .. ok we are here taking punch after punch and they have no idea what they are saying and doing, you can not do much about it but hope at some point they stop dishing it out.
Maybe its good for him to be out in the boonies, his thoughts will not have far to get to him and he can begin his work. Even doing projects, his mind will hopefully begin the journey it needs, embrace this and take it for what it is .... movement

You've got this!!

[mleigh4]

I hope you are right Cali. I really hope you are right.

Feeling much better. Just finished booking annual Disneyland trip. S and I are super excited!

H just TM thanking me for going today. He said I probably did not want to go, but was glad I went with S. I answered saying yes, I am also glad we all went together. I added that I don't u.understand the why's of a lot of things happening, but that I do understand that he needs to do this. I said I want you to be happy.

The thing is, I am not just saying that. I mean it, and it feels good. It felt right when I moved out. I get it. While he is out, that is the important part. We shall see what happens

In the meantime, I am ok. I can keep living.

[job]

Breathe,
They get so excited about their new living space and talk about what they are going to do, etc. Bottom line, they do some of the stuff, but after about 6 months, the new has worn off and it becomes a money pit and they get bored w/it. Some will take places such as what you h has and work thru their MLC by working the land and remodeling, etc. If this is what he is going to be doing, then it will be a good fit...but I still give him 6 months and let's see just how much fun he's going to have fixing this place up. This may have been a life long dream of his that he needs to fulfill before crashing back to reality.

Hang in there. Listen to what he says and take it w/a grain of salt.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job. I always look forward to your postings and really appreciate it.

I have a mini tornado going on in my head with a huge mix of emotions. I will try to post later to elaborate. Need to get S to school and me to work.

Thanks again for all of your support.

[mleigh4]

So I guess it is all settling in my brain and I am feeling a little off balance. I had it all down so well, a MLC routine on how to live together at home and cope with this, and just when I feel like "I can do this!", another change to adjust to.

I knew this was coming and in all honesty, I had hoped for it many times. I guess it is the not knowing how this will play out and how H moving out will effect everything, it is bringing on some very mixed emotions for me.

One second I feel love and compassion for H. I do want him to be happy and I hope this will help him to work out his issues. The least I can do is give him his time and space, right? The next minute I feel like, who the h*** do you think you are treating me and S like this over and over again? It's been 18 months, get it together already!

The real world is fighting with the MLC world inside of me.

I have many hopes and many fears. I feel anger, frustration and lots of confusion. I want him to be happy, but not so much without me. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that I hope this new place isn't all he hopes it to be. Because if he ends up being super happy, away from home and family, then why would he want to work on our marriage? He won't. I am really trying not to waste my energy on all the what if's.

But then I catch myself. Do I really even want this man or marriage anymore? An attractive man to me is a man who loves and enjoys his family. My H is not this man. Could he be? Not so sure, time will tell.

My MIL is apparantly happy for her son, told him he should get a goat! Unbelievable. No wonder she is in her 3rd unhappy marriage. I am doing my best not to hate this woman.

I can continue to breath.....I am spinning a little but I know I will get myself on track again.....I will try not to take his excitement personal because there is no doubt, he has issues.....I will do my best to be the lighthouse....I will take day by day and keep the focus on S and me....I will continue my self work because I really am liking myself more and more. You know, I know everything I must do and will do so, for myself and my own sanity. If it wasn't for my son, I don't know if I could be this strong.

[job]

It's understandable that your emotions are waffling back and forth. In a sense, you probably hoping he wouldn't go through w/finding a place. It's good for him to find a place and spend some time alone and not have the real comforts of the home he's leaving. Sure, it's going to be an adventure for him, i.e., just like the little boy who went to the big city to work and live in a cramped apartment. The novelty of the newness will wear off and w/spring not too far off, he's going to have a lot of work to do. Goats? I can't believe his mother would suggest that when it's a month to month rental. True, goats can pretty much take care of themselves, but you still have provide some feed and water and make sure they are okay. Allow this man to live out his dreams. For when he wakes up, he's going to discover that you and your son will have moved forward w/your lives, i.e., that you've changed and life didn't stand still while he was dreaming.

Things will be different, but the stress and the wondering about where he's gone, what he's doing and who he's talking to on the phone will be gone. You will be able to focus on you and your child w/o your h being in the shadows of your mind.

No one knows what the future holds, but you've got to live in the present and allow the future to reveal itself when it's ready.

Wish your h well and pray for him.