So W had sent over a veggie-packed Cowboy Caviar dip with d17 for us to enjoy for the big game on Sunday. So yesterday I playfully texted W thanking her for the Cowboy Caviar but telling her my appetizer (Bacon Tater Tot Bombs) was more delicious, though hers was healthier.
W then started texted me asking how her new big screen television could get the basic television channels. I told her to buy an antennae or just get antennae service from the cable company. She argued with me saying that b/c it was a new tv, it shouldn't need a separate antennae. I told her what I knew, and left it at that.
I see her wanting the ability to get television as a positive sign. Before W told me that her being on the dating sites was a nice "distraction" for her. I like the idea of her watching some tv in place of time spent on dating sites anytime! I'll even help her install the antennae or cable if need be.
She couldn't afford her rent but now can get a tv? Not your problem but it makes me wonder who is helping. Her parents perhaps?
Tom, I am glad you had a great time with your kids. That is what is important, not just for them but you too. Good for you realizing that is what is important. Keep that focus it will help you as time goes on.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat. Some exciting news, d18 who lives in Boston would like to come back and visit at the end of February. We just needed to pay for her airfare. W called me yesterday and she sounded odd, I couldn't tell if it was anger or fear, but she said the round-trip ticket was $400, and with oil prices rising we should buy the ticket soon.
The weird part, she asked me to ask my parents to pay for the whole thing! W viewing my parents as the piggy-bank is wrong. Work has picked up for me and so I am happy to pay for half, and I saw parents for lunch today and they gave me $100. W was happy to hear that I had $300 of the $400, and she would try and find the last $100.
W gave me a heart-felt "thank you", but I ain't doing it for her. I miss d18, and it will be great to see her.
You are turning the corner. Glad to see and hear it. Doesn't matter what your W thinks, you know why you do what you do. Your kids need a lot of support getting through this and by giving it them, they will be there for you.
As I have said before, the five of us got closer than I ever imagined. We have each others backs.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I know that I was involved in a divorce where the older divorcing couple literally took out their forks, spoons and knives and one-by-one they divided them. Ugh!
The weird part, she asked me to ask my parents to pay for the whole thing! W viewing my parents as the piggy-bank is wrong. Work has picked up for me and so I am happy to pay for half, and I saw parents for lunch today and they gave me $100. W was happy to hear that I had $300 of the $400, and she would try and find the last $100.
Wet, does that ^^^ sound like a self-aware, adult, to you?
Since you have older kids, some who have moved out and begun their lives, you have been through this process. Compare how your D is fairing, her attitudes, etc., to how your W thinks and acts, or any average 18-20 year old...see anything?
I'm going to repost a comment from kat that you side-stepped:
Quote:
She thought because you were going to be a lawyer that you guys were going to be rich, that didn't happen after the kids were mostly raised she left and is looking for a sugar daddy. Is this who you want?
Because you stepped around that ^^^, maybe that tells me there is something there, possibly...maybe... ??
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi T^2, I am messed up, and by this I mean my mind is a mess. Yes, I now understand that prior to BD date when our house was going thru foreclosure, and I had serious health issues, W should have stepped up and helped us (me and the family) to deal with our housing issues.
And W after moving out, she should have obtained a real job. She is dependent on everyone else around her to provide for her needs (including d17 and s13 who live with her).
So why do I say that I am messed up, even with this healthier understanding of my past? B/c I don't mind that W is a gadfly, and perhaps is looking for a "sugar daddy" (no mind-reading by me here, I don't know what W is looking for.) I appreciate her for her other strengths.
But what is really crazy is that my W says a nice "thank you" to me yesterday, and I am thinking about reconciling with her, and dating her, etc., with no evidence that W is even slightly moving back toward me. I even want to snoop her again to see if I can find out that W is getting off the dating websites (yet knowing that is likely not the case). Stop it Wet!
She is dependent on everyone else around her to provide for her needs (including d17 and s13 who live with her).
And this is NOT helping HER. It's enabling her to remain in an immature, adolescent state.
Quote:
So why do I say that I am messed up, even with this healthier understanding of my past? B/c I don't mind that W is a gadfly, and perhaps is looking for a "sugar daddy" (no mind-reading by me here, I don't know what W is looking for.) I appreciate her for her other strengths.
This is interesting...why is that, that you don't mind?
Is it because that is all that is left of your former provider/protector role, those last shreds of something you cherished, and will not let go of?
That maybe you are having problems transitioning from that role?
I know I sure did...and it gave me some appreciation for what my stbxw went/is going through, transitioning from her role as a young Mom with young kids that needed her most of the time, to having the kids not need her as much, being teens, growing independent, having a cherished role taken away. And the "what to do with myself now".
I get where you are coming from Wet, I really do. Been there, was that.
But she fired you.
Do you hang around former employers waiting for them to maybe give you something?
Or do "freebies" for them?
And what exactly are her "other strengths" that benefit/enhance/contribute to the kids and/or you, right now?
There is an addictive quality to how ours spouses were and our reaction to them other the years... are you waiting for just another hit/fix?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
This is interesting...why is that, that you don't mind?
Is it because that is all that is left of your former provider/protector role, those last shreds of something you cherished, and will not let go of?
That maybe you are having problems transitioning from that role? ...
But she fired you. ...
So its the Jekyll/Hyde mind I have. It would be good to have W go forward with the divorce and find someone to take good care of her. I'm ok with that, and the day the divorce papers are signed, I would quickly move on.
But... until then, I want to be the guy to take care of my W and kids, and live the life we always dreamed of. Oh yeah, you're right. W "fired" me from that ever happening. The only responsibility I have with W now is paying the monthly Child Support. So I don't think that I am stuck trying to provide for W. Instead, I hope to be that guy again.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
...There is an addictive quality to how ours spouses were and our reaction to them other the years... are you waiting for just another hit/fix?
So my thought problem right now is what you describe as the "addictive quality" of our WAS's. The last time I ML to my W was last Valentine's Day (9 months after we separated). I can't stop thinking about the possibility that there will be some sort of "Same Time Next Year" ML reunion with my W this Valentines.
I've been busy at work with some interesting cases, but it's not enough to get my mind distracted. YES, I am waiting for just another hit/fix of my W!
When you supported her in her latest project/cause/etc, it made you feel good, validated you, your "Provider" role, made you feel needed, right? And the smile, the joy, etc that she showed you when you did...
Same for all the various "fixes" we did for them....gave us shots of dopamine right to the brain. Tickled our deep male need centers.
This is what I was referring to, since I was the same way in my M.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
