I suspect part of it is that it's easier to deal with the hurt little girl vs. the happy-I'm-not-with-you person.
Did you ever consider how difficult it is for her to be on the fence? I think you have some experience there, no?
You either want her to be well or you don't. Who she's with is no longer relevant. And I think you know that
Quote:
I laughed during my morning walk at myself at the thought of I was happier when I was miserably married. Oh the irony.
In other words, you'll be fine regardless. You can't fix her - she has to go through whatever it takes to be whole. I think that's important to you, Cali.
There would be a certain sense of (short-lived ego-boosting) contentedness if she fell flat. We all feel that to some extent. That's ego talking though. It's saying, "you hurt me and I'm glad karma came back to you."
But that would be short-lived to be sure. It's not who you are. Who you have become.
Wish her the best, Cali. Let the law figure out the law (give to Ceaser?) and figure out how to best raise your son in the new life you have. And be glad you are not living that lie of a "happy" marriage or two incomplete people. Forget the rest - it's useless.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So just a little distinction I would make Cali ( and I only know this because I have learned it myself).......
Yes your ego was enjoying the fact that she was having a hard time with S and migraines etc. BUT- that doesn't mean that leaving her to figure out how to deal with it herself is wrong- you aren't adding to her misery by not rescuing her- you are letting her grow up.
Not sure if it makes sense what I'm trying to say, but I know I would sometimes feel bad if I wasn't making a situation easier for my H ( because I'm the fixer). But I had to realize that letting natural consequences occur is not the same as trying to add to their misery, it's letting them realize what they have created.
So how was the movie? I can't wait to go see that one!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
You know, Luke...I like you. You really are so honest about what you're feeling. Very important to do on here...well, everywhere really.
So, no 2 x 4's ? You arent letting me have any fun. LOL!
Really, I think you know it doesnt serve you well to be happy when someone else isnt. Not only because you cant fix everyone, but, also because you dont want to be that person, right?
I would think that you want your w to be whole one day, to figure herself out and find her way, even if that meant that it wasnt with you. That's the Luke I have come to know, even if you dont feel that all the time.
Like I said .. I am not sure why I am that way, my old job was a very stressful place, the more stressed the owners were ... the higher my PMA went and the more focused I became. Just a personal observation ... maybe part fixer, maybe because typically I am a pretty positive happy person. And the honesty bit ... well yeah, that's just how I am, brutal or not I just have felt if you are not honest with other people, and more importantly yourself its not going to serve you well in the long run. I thought about this since yesterday, just musing here and there. I think the key is ... I do want her happy, and I think I am equating her happiness with her not doing the work and that in turn not coming out of this ... and I truly want that for her, yes .... even if it does not include me, as painful as that still is .. it does not hurt as much today as yesterday ... so on and so forth.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
I just wanted say something about being a fixer. I know that it may seem like she changed the rules. When I was first married, I liked that my h took care of me. I had come from a difficult family and it was nice when he would make me feel loved.
Over time, though, as I grew, it started to bother me. It seemed like he was feeling as if I wasnt capable. I realized I wanted a partner. Someone who would work with me to figure things out. It seemed to me like he swooped in and fixed stuff without regard to whether I needed that.
I know his heart was in the right place. At least I hoped it was. But I began to feel more and more like he just didnt respect me, like he thought I couldnt handle things and it made me feel really small.
I would imagine it was a hard thing for him to figure out how it made me feel as I didnt express it, but, over time it really diminshed me and how I felt about myself.
I wanted him to work with me to find a solution because he respected my opinion and my abilities. The taking care of me part that I enjoyed was the little things that he would do to make me feel special and not him taking over and fixing situations and things that I was capable of doing.
The more I would try to handle things, the less control he felt he had. So, he took more and more control with things, and as a result, I lost me.
I do think you are spot on with your assessment there, honestly both W and I were fixers .. just in different areas and I do think we made each other feel small. Toss in a bit of codependency and simmer on low for 24 years ..... well its a meal that has a nasty after taste.
I suspect part of it is that it's easier to deal with the hurt little girl vs. the happy-I'm-not-with-you person.
Did you ever consider how difficult it is for her to be on the fence? I think you have some experience there, no?
You either want her to be well or you don't. Who she's with is no longer relevant. And I think you know that
I do want her well, I am just not so sure she will get there without doing some alone time .. not my problem nor issue really, she will or wont kinda thing and I have accepted that. I am not so sure she is on the fence, but again ... mind-reading, I certainly have no idea.
Originally Posted By: AJM
In other words, you'll be fine regardless. You can't fix her - she has to go through whatever it takes to be whole. I think that's important to you, Cali.
There would be a certain sense of (short-lived ego-boosting) contentedness if she fell flat. We all feel that to some extent. That's ego talking though. It's saying, "you hurt me and I'm glad karma came back to you."
But that would be short-lived to be sure. It's not who you are. Who you have become.
Wish her the best, Cali. Let the law figure out the law (give to Ceaser?) and figure out how to best raise your son in the new life you have. And be glad you are not living that lie of a "happy" marriage or two incomplete people. Forget the rest - it's useless. AJ
As I posted to uR, its not that I want her to suffer for the ... you hurt me its your turn to hurt concept. Just seems to me the MLC'rs very well might rather stay in the tunnel than face the things they really need to work on .... Heck I can completely relate, looking inward and admitting your faults is hard enough, I could not imagine doing this as the MLC, like Jack said .. I dont think they mean to do the evil things, its just part of the crazy, like waking up from a dream and then realizing you actually did the things you did, would make one just want to pull the covers over their head and go back to sleep .... safer there.
The "Give what belongs to Ceasear to Ceasear" statement ... nice spin .. and yeah I have to remind myself its out of my hands often ... again my process of letting it go completely. Currently that has been my focus ... looking for a place that will allow me to be closer to S school, a place for just he and I, and allow my old blind dog .... its not an easy search but I have a few months before the house I am in will sell. Just keep at it .... my schedule is filling up GAL wise .. things are going very well in all honesty.
So just a little distinction I would make Cali ( and I only know this because I have learned it myself).......
Yes your ego was enjoying the fact that she was having a hard time with S and migraines etc. BUT- that doesn't mean that leaving her to figure out how to deal with it herself is wrong- you aren't adding to her misery by not rescuing her- you are letting her grow up.
Not sure if it makes sense what I'm trying to say, but I know I would sometimes feel bad if I wasn't making a situation easier for my H ( because I'm the fixer). But I had to realize that letting natural consequences occur is not the same as trying to add to their misery, it's letting them realize what they have created.
So how was the movie? I can't wait to go see that one!
I get your point, I think its more of a realization she is not even attemping the work from what I can see ... again .. not my problem and I constantly need to remind myself that. But the all happy in your face stuff stings .. like its "Look how happy I am without you I was right to leave" stuff ... I'd rather one just score the touchdown and hand the ref the ball ... no need to run to the 50 and spike it on the logo. Again .... out of my control, just being honest eith my feelings here, purging them and letting them out where I know I will not have them haunt me later down the road
The movie was good, I rode the Harley, I dont feel bad at all going to movies solo like this .. I have a friend who moved a bit closer .. still 5 hours away .. I would dig going with him as he is single and we have been friends since grade school ... but its all good, a nice war movie is always a welcomed distraction.
But the all happy in your face stuff stings .. like its "Look how happy I am without you I was right to leave" stuff ...
Yeah...they do that, at first, after the decision to D is made. My youngest called her on it and how it made him feel during one of her visitation evenings recently.
From the mouths of babes...so much more effective than from ours.
Just keep venting those feelings here, keeps our sides of the street clean...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Work has been good. Really good. I took over back in January, they aquired this company 4 years ago and it failed to turn profit for 3 years, I came made some quick fix changes and by April we turned a profit ... since then more long term changes have been going in, had the sales meeting for the 3 headed monster last week, I was happy, all positive and looks like the President and CEO have faith in whats happening here and are now open to reinvest some funds, looking at new equipment this year and expanding in 2016.
That being said my latest trend of cleaning out everything has made its way to work ... my office ... and now I am instructing Shipping/Receiving and the stock room to do the same. Strange .. I never was this way but the urge is irresistible. I guess its just the fact my 24 R with W has ended, and the 17 year R with my job ended about the same time ... so everything is new and I am still cleaning out the old garbage ... physical and emotional from both places.
This morning was fun ... S has a presentation and was my job to do the costume ... nailed it. Albert Einstein ... little dude was all excited, W thanked me said he looked amazing, TM after she dropped him off from school saying the other moms showered him with compliments and said how awesome he looked. I enjoyed it, had fun with it... another memory, blessed to be his father in all honesty ... with all the turmoil that surrounds him you would never know it.
As far as me .. good day, PMA in a good place. Not much dwelling on W good nor bad .. detaching and accepting the cycles that come with it .. noticing it does get less intense and less frequent. I know I am not ready to date but I have been more open to just talking to friends, being more social and fighting my vibe that I am not approachable. I guess just getting comfortable in my new skin as I learn how to walk. Baby steps.... baby steps.
Not much to add today .. just some babbling and journaling
I've noticed that after I agreed to the mediation, W has been a bit more chipper, maybe its the pressure off .. she was being nice lastnight as she picked up S. *Shrug* .. .no word of an appointment as of late .. will just wait and see.
I was pretty tired for whatever reason last night. Ended up throwing some stuff in the crockpot and must have dozed off around 7:30 ... woke long enough to say goodnight to S .. and went right back to sleep.
I've been looking at a few places and the more I look the more I realize I do not want a roommate ... however that would give me much better options ... I do like the idea of just S and I along with the dog in our own place .... I am pushing for that, still have plenty of time before the house sells.
All in all, I am in a good spot. I did some reading yesterday on the MLC thing ... I guess just knowing I am not crazy, this was meant to be and now all I can do is live my life, while she lives hers. Maybe she will wake up out of the fog, maybe she won't ..... just does not seem to really matter right now, I have bigger problems that I actually have control over to get past.... one of them is getting through this nice hot cup of coco without buring my face off.
I have bigger problems that I actually have control over to get past
Yes, you do. And not burning your face off is a good priority
One of the things the MC/IC told me during my time there that stuck, "she was going to go through this, now or ten years from now." She was right about that. She was also right when she told me that I'd be done long before my ex was. Both were something I didn't want to believe but were spot on.
It really wasn't about me just like it's not about you. The question becomes, what do you want? Do you want her to be happy? (you answered that). Do you want you to be happy? (you answered that too). The rest? Well, you won't let your son get hurt and the rest is out of your control, so...
Good thought process amigo. Now go find a place to LIVE.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
