Oh Mighty I was hoping it wouldn't be his- but now you know what you're dealing with. I agree with many others here about learning or experiencing things at the right time. Just as you are about to break, something happens and it gives you back your power. You can step off of that ride now and take care of you for awhile.
Hope you get to take those few days away soon- you need and deserve it for sure!!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
So sorry Mighty. I know you were hoping for a different outcome.
I too am a fixer. I was told once by a IC that I made the men in my life my project. I know it's because growing up I became a parent child because my Mother was an alcoholic and my Dad had a bad temper and couldn't cope. I felt responsible for everyone.
I have had to learn to be a friend to myself. To let others suffer the consequences of their own actions. Otherwise if we rescue them all the time we are not allowing them to grow and learn. I believe life brings the same things to us until we learn the lesson and change our behavior.
If you grow and move forward to becoming the best you. H will either catch up at some point or get left behind still riding his same old merry go round.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Mighty - most of here are fixers. There are good reasons why this is so!
I still have to stop myself trying to fix things between my xh and our adult children. With other people I am getting much better.
Nothing you can do will fix him, but cake eating is not healthy for either of you. He may well go back to blaming you. Do not take this personally as it is mostly self protective projection on his part.
If he wants to see the children he needs to make the arrangements. Only you can decide if he is welcome in your home or not. But, absolutely no coming and going without a clear arrangement.
And Job is right, if they come back too soon they almost always run again at some point.
I very am sorry the child is his, but there was always the possibility it could be. I wouldn't like to have a relationship with someone who doubted the paternity of his child. Just sayin'.
Woke up doing ok. Trying to stay focused and driven. It can be difficult with people around!
Was told this morning:
I saw a picture of the baby. HWW must have had a professional photographer come in and take pictures in the house. She had a big stupid thing on her head, all high maintenance. She looks like you h.
C'mon! Why????! I don't need the visual!
It's ok. Have to regroup, but I know these things are going to happen- forever. So I just need to find a way to be ok with it. I certainly hope it is not happening to my kids.
Was the person that said that someone from work? Is this a friend or a one-off weirdo with no sense of tact....
People sometimes just need to stfu. Unfortunately, that's not in your control. Which means it's up to you to figure out how to protect yourself.
It goes along with the strategy of not watching xh and ow, so you don't have the added trash in your memory to clean up later....Take steps so you don't even give those comments a chance to be heard.
Set boundaries. It won't work perfectly 100% of the time. But people learn what they can and can not say to you when you set those limits.
I had to do this with my SD20. I thought I wanted to know details. I learned that knowing that stuff only kept my attention where it didn't belong, and it hurt.
I had to tell her to please not tell me things about H anymore. She forgot a couple of times, but that was all it took.
Mighty, you are so strong, but no one could be in your shoes without being a bit fragile. Protect that beautiful heart.
Interrupt those people as soon as you know the topic.
Don't let your curiosity get the best of you.
Negative gossip is seductive. Don't let their disparaging comments about xh and ow pull you into that negative drama. That's all that comment was this morning. Drama.
It does nothing for you. Only against you.
Literally....put your hand up like a "stop" hand when you hear the convo turn that direction. Say to them, "I'm going to have to ask you to stop."
You don't even need to apologize for it, or explain it. If you feel you want to, you could say, "I am sure you can understand that information does not serve me well. Can we talk about something else?"
or..."As you know, this is a very difficult situation for me. Respectfully, I have to ask you to please keep that type of information to yourself."
Even if you have engaged in that type of thing in the past, you GET TO change the rules whenever you want.
"Friend-person, I know I have talked about this stuff with you in the past. However, I have learned that it is holding me back from some much needed healing. I can no longer have these conversations about (xyz). Thank you for understanding."
Chances are, the person will respect that. They will probably feel somewhat embarrassed. And that isn't your responsibility if they do. Because YOUR feelings are what matter.
Thanks s. You are right. And I am finding that I don't want to know anything. I think I was in shock when she said that. Dumbfounded. It happens all the time. But this.... About the baby. I stared blank for a second then said, "don't tell me that."
The end of that.
So I will think happy thoughts. Like my pb&j sandwich for lunch.... Or something.
It isn't something that I could just decide to do then, boom, it's done. Boundary set.
It was a process for me. To identify what I was and wasn't willing to let in. To learn the triggers. To recognize when things are heading that direction BEFORE I'm shocked.
Please do some serious GAL's and keep repeating until you feel solid and focused.
FOCUS on you and your kids!
Detach as much as you possibly can.
Post often as needed. Do not smack the IT of your XH:)
When you do speak to him, keep it about your kids ONLY, ignore anything else he says , especially about OW or new baby or his feelings!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
