Really too late....

[lost18]

Still trucking along, H and I continue to get along well and it still seems he is keeping with the agreement of NC with OW while I'm home. His jeep project has been great for him and I feel like it's giving me great opportunities to connect, support, encourage and be excited with him.

When my friend was over (her H ended up not coming) she stated that if she didn't know the situation she would have no idea based on our interactions. He did start getting up and walking into the garage quite frequently (one of my triggers but she thought it was strange too), at one point we went out there a minute or so later (on the pretense to show her the jeep) and he was just looking at the jeep.

I have found some opportunities to give him some words of affirmation ( I think that may be one of his LL). My IC wants me to find more opportunities to do so. She also wants me to try more physical touch, I haven't because he doesn't seem open to it (ie. I'm afraid of rejection)and I don't want to pursue. One of the issues in our M is that he did not feel like "I wanted him" or "was attracted to him." I have to keep telling myself to have patience and appreciate the gift of time. In the instant gratification world many of us have grown accustomed to that is not always easy.

It is very difficult to detach when we have so much time together and seem to be getting along well. I did tell my IC that I need to work on not attaching my mood to him and how we're getting along. She just reiterated that I can only control me and to focus on that.

I have been listening to some great podcasts when I'm driving. I wish I could remember everything. I do remember the 3 C's to saving your marriage: Connect (with your spouse) Change (yourself) and Create (a new path). A lot of it is similar to the DB principles...a big one GIVE IT TIME!

[lost18]

I had a little setback today (it was mine alone, H does not know). Got the feeling he was texting OW again, he explained some of what he was doing (re: the jeep without me asking) but I still felt like he was hiding his phone in his pocket again. At any rate, it didn't affect me physically like it has been and I tried that whole "trust him even if he doesn't deserve it" which did seem to help some.

Need to stop asking why....I'm so ready to be out of limbo! sigh

[mahhhty]

Yesterday's post was great, sounds like there is a lot of thinking going on.

Todays was a little debbie downer. But it sure sounds like overall you are moving in a positive direction.

I never asked you this before and I don't remember reading it. Are you sure there is a OW?

Regardless you are doing great things.

[lost18]

Hi Mahhhty,

yes, still a work in a progress, still laying foundation! As far as OW I'm not sure what the status of that is now. When he was home in Feb I had my suspicions, keeping his phone with him, caught him texting at 230am and when I dropped him at the airport he went somewhere but did not fly out of country until 2 days later based on his airline skymile account. His story didn't add up.

When we were on vacay in July I did some snooping and did find several texts, emails and pictures going back as far as March with one woman from the UK. He happened to spend 3 days in the UK prior to coming back to the states, I found that by snooping as well. He denied anything physical which I don't believe.

I have no idea what the current status is, lots of possibilities. At this point I'm sure there is nothing physical going on since he is home most days and all nights. But I know he's not interested in me sexually and he has always been very sexual which has been a huge issue in our M because I wasn't.

Honestly, I'm torn on what I should be doing. I'm trying to connect positively with him and I guess I'm trying to believe that is possible without pursuing. Maybe I need to rethink that?? But we are connecting, yesterday I was in the garage with him "working" on the jeep and asking questions and getting along well. Later in the kitchen re:D13 being a hypochondriac we were joking and laughing. Then he goes in "his" room and goes to bed and leaves me longing for a physical connection. Sigh.

This jeep project really has made me realize that we both have been just existing for a long time. He is really excited about this jeep, I haven't seen him this excited about something in a long time, if ever. I'm trying to let go of past regrets and resentments, not easy to do. I see so much potential for us and I'm just not sure he wants to see it. But, this is what I was talking about yesterday and stop asking why. I'm too hung up on the why he's doing (or not doing) what he's doing. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I am coming up on the one year mark and although I've made lots of progress I think I should be further along.

[mahhhty]

Things have improved. You said so. Then you are definitely on the right path. Don't doubt that. Keep moving forward.

I've seen you write about the sexual discrepancy. Perhaps make that a 180. Look for ways to get his mind thinking about it. Perhaps clothing choices at night or in the morning that wouldn't normally fit you or your routine. Dresses. Night wear. New perfume. Some different things to get his mind going.

MWD has some writings and videos on the sex deprived marriage/partner.

[lost18]

I've seen you write about the sexual discrepancy. Perhaps make that a 180. Look for ways to get his mind thinking about it. Perhaps clothing choices at night or in the morning that wouldn't normally fit you or your routine. Dresses. Night wear. New perfume. Some different things to get his mind going.

Thanks for that advice, I was reading something similar on TO's thread although we are at different stages. MY problem is I don't think I could do that at this point without expectations and I'm still living in fear of rejection (I should say more rejection!)

We were home alone tonight so I asked him if he wanted to go to local bar for wings...more of a "you probably don't want to but." We ended up going for a couple of hours and again had a good time.

My goal for this week is something 25 has posted several times. Stop asking the "why is he" and "how can he" questions. This is not an easy task but something I think I need to focus on.

Also, thinking about my last few posts I am focusing on the negatives (no physical touch, whether he's texting OW) instead of the positives. With regard to his phone, he has been a little less guarded of it the past few days. He even left it on the workbench when he brought D13 to a friends today.

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

[mahhhty]

Awesome! Date night. Good work!!!

And I think thats great advice "why is he" and "how can he"

[lost18]

We watched a movie together tonight, his idea.

Things are so "normal" in so many ways. I mentioned this to my sister and she said to be careful it doesn't get too comfortable or this limbo we're in could go on forever.

I think I need a plan of action but not sure what exactly it should be. For now, I'm going to continue to try to connect with him as we have been but I need a better plan for GAL. And I definitely need to be more consistent with my exercise. As much as I love the idea of changing my attire I'm not really feeling comfortable in my (extra) skin. I did great for a week or so with my healthier eating but one bad night turned to a bad week and now I can't seem to pull it together...sigh!

Thanks for always checking on me mahhhty!

[mahhhty]

The fact that you are trying to figure out a GAL plan, means you recognize the issue and you are willing to do what it takes. I know you can do it.

[lost18]

"The fact the two of you have gotten along better does not mean she is having second thoughts. A woman will continue to have an A and attend family events, that is common to see. As long as you act fine with being her friend, then things continue as such. "

Sandi posted this on another thread. I sometimes wonder if this is what is going on in my sitch. I know I'm supposed to be doing what works but I don't know if I know what works.

He's been (not sure if asking is the right word) so maybe including me in watching movies 3 times in the past week or so. The past 2 days he has sent me unnecessary texts, yesterday to tell me the game was on (I wasn't home yet) and today a picture of dinner letting me know that D16 cooked and they were eating before D13 and I got home from her practice. Those seem like positives. I mentioned being less careful with his phone, last night he went to bed and left it on the counter all night (it is password protected but he keeps it with him usually).

I found a post that somebody posted about the distancer/pursuer that Mahhhty mentioned earlier. I guess I'm just a little (ok a lot) confused about what I should be doing at this point.

I always feel so rushed when I'm posting. Usually the only private time I get to do so is late at night when I'm ready for bed. It's about time for a new thread. Maybe time to summarize my sitch...it's coming up on the 1 year mark!