Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[DaddyLongShanks]

God, my Therapist appointment is NEXT Monday, found out when I got there.
And I went to College earlier to get some counseling regarding courses, and that was closed too due to the Holiday.
Fail fail...oh well I can still go to the gym and meet with friends later^^

I feel bipolar tho. I'm so upbeat then completely down...

Your workouts will help you. You cannot use her viewpoint as any basis of how you perceive yourself or your confidence. What she has done is on her. By being detached it means that this what was wife is just a female contact of yours who may or may not betray or lie to you at any time.

Carry on as such, I wouldn't have her in any of your sensitive matters.

[Complex]

I don't have a strategy yet. I just did some research. Basically before the renewal (10 year GC) your case will be reviewed but in most cases of the intentions where there granted. After the renewal it doesn't matter anymore.

And I think Starkys advice is very good to act in my own interest. That means: She thinks we need to wait. Which buys me time. And I'll take what I can get to stretch the process and not end up D within the next couple of months

[Complex]

I have an appointment with Denise (DB coach) tomorrow morning.
I'll let you know how it was.
I hope she can give me good advice and some fresh ideas and filter the things out that I didn't get advice on yet.

Had a good GAL day. But I'll be at home tonight, W will be there too.
Should I even ask how her first day at day shift was or tell her anything about mine?
I feel like I just should be upbeat if I see her but get out of her way mostly and call it a day!?

[Complex]

Question: Did/is anyone here wear/wearing their wedding ring while DBing??

[MrBond]

That's a personal choice. I kept mine on through the process. I felt that if I believed in M then I would show it.

[Complex]

I feel more commited that ever, although I did let go a lot and detached. I feel like I will be fine either way. I have a lot of love to give.

But I'm actually not wearing it since a week, I don't want W to think I'm still attached. I bet she does anyway tho.

Anyone else who's still wearing it?

[25yearsmlc]

I have an appointment with Denise (DB coach) tomorrow morning.
I'll let you know how it was.
I hope she can give me good advice and some fresh ideas and filter the things out that I didn't get advice on yet.

Had a good GAL day. But I'll be at home tonight, W will be there too.
Should I even ask how her first day at day shift was or tell her anything about mine?
I feel like I just should be upbeat if I see her but get out of her way mostly and call it a day!?

Never be rude. It never reflects well on you and it's a lousy thing to do. Plus, you don't want to make her feel good about her choice to end the marriage.

Remember that your behavior ought to Contrast with what SHE thinks about you.

You want to counter her negative images, with positives about you. That's why if you had a trait like always being late, you'd want to be VERY punctual or early for things just to shake her views and get her to start wondering if maybe, just maybe, her data about you isn't real or valid (or at least isn't true anymore).

Does that ^^ make sense to you?

Some of this all depends on how you normally behaved and how she normally behaves. Does she normally regale you with tales from work, or does she give brief answers and talk about other things? Do You normally want details and anecdotes or do you go into Your day? I'm not judging, just asking what will seem more natural to her and what would be authentic for you, AND WITH a PMA?

It's important to show self confidence in yourself. Know that you are a great catch; you will be available to her and you are NOT depressive or "settling" for your life anymore.

Someday you might want to thank her for waking you up and getting you back on track. Ask the DB coach about that b/c I might be wrong. But to ME, if my h said something like that, it would strike a chord.

My DB coach to "listen like a lover"< which can be extremely difficult and never applied to OW or anything known to be a threat to the marriage.

So if she brings up work OR if you do,

and IF YOU can handle information that might relate to the OM,

then go for it. But be ready to 1) ask follow up questions that show you are listening to her carefully and are interested in HER,

OR
2) IF she brings up OM for some reason...be ready to say nothing in response,

OR

3) give a Starsky response, such as "W, at best, it's disrespectful of you to speak to me of OM, so kindly stop."

THEN you leave the room. You don't wait for her answer (b/c it's not a question).
You leave the room and start a project or take a shower or go jogging or whatever it is that gets you OUT of there - so you demonstrate that the behavior is unacceptable to you and that you won't negotiate it or debate it OR lose your temper.

Do Not lose your temper. Anger isn't your friend, or at least showing anger, isn't.

You are above all that...

For more insights or advice, I think this ^^ is something your coach can advise you well on.

[zew]

Don't confuse detachment with standing for your M.

Leaving your ring on shows everyone that you still proclaim that you are married. Being detached means that you have stopped letting your wife's words and actions dictate how you will proceed from this point. (and you have much work to do to become detached). Your ring has nothing to do with detachment.

You don't take your ring off to show your W anything - you cannot possibly know how she will interpret that one way or the other. A ring is a personal statement made by the person wearing it, and this has been true since the day you first put it on. Don't worry about what your W may think it means; I could argue bad wayward logic that would make you believe either choice is correct.

As Bond said, it's a personal decision. Many of us have asked the same question at some point. For me, it's clear. I wear my ring because I am married; it's a symbol of the eternal nature of my vows. I will wear it until I am no longer married.

[Complex]

Zew. Thanks!
You expressed what I was thinking. Ring back on!
Talking about commitment: Today I committed myself to LOVE, the people around me and myself.

[Complex]

I have an appointment with Denise (DB coach) tomorrow morning.
I'll let you know how it was.
I hope she can give me good advice and some fresh ideas and filter the things out that I didn't get advice on yet.

Had a good GAL day. But I'll be at home tonight, W will be there too.
Should I even ask how her first day at day shift was or tell her anything about mine?
I feel like I just should be upbeat if I see her but get out of her way mostly and call it a day!?

Never be rude. It never reflects well on you and it's a lousy thing to do. Plus, you don't want to make her feel good about her choice to end the marriage.

Got it. It's about being upbeat, friendly, happy, without compromising my own boundaries (which is still have to define better) or being a shoemat. With confidence and strength.


Remember that your behavior ought to Contrast with what SHE thinks about you.

You want to counter her negative images, with positives about you. That's why if you had a trait like always being late, you'd want to be VERY punctual or early for things just to shake her views and get her to start wondering if maybe, just maybe, her data about you isn't real or valid (or at least isn't true anymore).

Does that ^^ make sense to you?

I understand the psychological concept. I really have to sit down and analyze what my weaknesses are / find out what are didn't like about me. Biggest part of the last few months for sure:
Pursuing, Questioning her thoughts, Not listening well. Bringing up the same issues over and over again. Saying things and not following through. Saying too many things. Being too theoretical, not practical and active enough, doing things for her only - not for myself, no passion for career, being too negative (a german thing), complaining too much, being narrow minded and stubborn wanting to do things my way, not letting her be herself, groping her, bring not enough of a gentleman, just wanting sex.....the list is loooong - I'm also focusing on being the guy I was when we fell in love


Some of this all depends on how you normally behaved and how she normally behaves. Does she normally regale you with tales from work, or does she give brief answers and talk about other things? Do You normally want details and anecdotes or do you go into Your day? I'm not judging, just asking what will seem more natural to her and what would be authentic for you, AND WITH a PMA?

While ago she complained I'm not listening. Since a while I've been listening very well when she tells me about work. A little 180 I've done. I'm always interested and natural. Didn't help bc it was only one of many things ...and nothing but OM in her head anyway...We never talk about OM. She just told me she loves him and that's that. But only after the pressure of finding out. She isn't open to me at all.


It's important to show self confidence in yourself. Know that you are a great catch; you will be available to her and you are NOT depressive or "settling" for your life anymore.

Someday you might want to thank her for waking you up and getting you back on track. Ask the DB coach about that b/c I might be wrong. But to ME, if my h said something like that, it would strike a chord.

Problem with this is I already did. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't in the same state of mind..and maybe I still aren't. Lost my credibility with many things I said. So I need to follow through with actions before I can say something like this again. W is way out the door with OM right now anyway. But I'll ask my coach about it.


My DB coach to "listen like a lover"< which can be extremely difficult and never applied to OW or anything known to be a threat to the marriage.

So if she brings up work OR if you do,

and IF YOU can handle information that might relate to the OM,

then go for it. But be ready to 1) ask follow up questions that show you are listening to her carefully and are interested in HER,

OR
2) IF she brings up OM for some reason...be ready to say nothing in response,

OR

3) give a Starsky response, such as "W, at best, it's disrespectful of you to speak to me of OM, so kindly stop."

THEN you leave the room. You don't wait for her answer (b/c it's not a question).
You leave the room and start a project or take a shower or go jogging or whatever it is that gets you OUT of there - so you demonstrate that the behavior is unacceptable to you and that you won't negotiate it or debate it OR lose your temper.

Ok. That's good technical advice. No OM talk...other than that listen like a lover. Which won't be too hard .


Do Not lose your temper. Anger isn't your friend, or at least showing anger, isn't.

You are above all that...

I was there. It made things even worse than pursuing. Anger and hatred are gone. They will come back occasionally but I have to control myself. Do a 180 ad get out of the house and run as fast as I can before I do/say sth stupid.


For more insights or advice, I think this ^^ is something your coach can advise you well on.
[/quote]

Thank you!

Wife came home tonight..thought she is going to sports class and then to her friend watch The Bachelor^^.
I was watching Netflix. She ate, sat down on the couch next to me, played with her phone, asked some questions about the movie and if I want some food. Didn't ask me how my day was. Now she's lying next to me asleep.

I'm sure she's just thinking she needs to let me alone figure my things out and in her head is nothing else but OM. But those are only assumptions I guess.
I'll just go to bed soon.


Another question: she's currently sleeping in the guest room bc I told her I don't want to and she's doing me the favor. Should I offer to sleep there (it's my office anyway) or just let it be and let her sleep there???