Hi Betsey! Thanks for the hugs and gentle reality check. I'm at the place where I am fine with H being a friend I think. I did let him take charge this weekend, he did his stuff and I didn't expect more. The only sort of awkward thing is that he doesn't know I am ok with being friends and not R. Right before surgery, when we were saying our goodbyes I told him I love you. And I do. And it wasn't the time to explain that I love you doesn't necessarily mean I want you back. He said I love you too, it was the only honorable thing to do.
I suppose this will all fall out at the end of the agreed upon S period, so I won't worry about it now.
I have things to take care of this week. Writing a resume. Thinking about what kind of job I want, there should be a lot of options. Putting out a few feelers with people I know to see what the possibilities are.
Really? I'm pretty sure I don't want that life back. I mean, it was good, but I have come to realize that I tolerated a whole lot of things, and I'm not sure why. They didn't really bother me, but now, being forced to confront it in toto, I gave up parts of me "for the sake of..." that now I'm kind of looking forward to reclaiming.
So now when I say "I just want my life back" I want myself back, with some degree of normalcy and a good R. Sadly, that probably means rewinding a decade at least.
Really? I'm pretty sure I don't want that life back. I mean, it was good, but I have come to realize that I tolerated a whole lot of things, and I'm not sure why. .
I know, zew. I'm there with you most of the time. Today I just am feeling the need for comfort, for familiarity, for easy. At BD I felt my whole world had been ripped apart. But no. Then the health issues started. Then I lost my job. I can't take any more and I want a re do.
There are certainly days when it all seems to pile up a little. I know when I am struggling with certain practical aspects of my sudden single motherhood these thought crop up.
Sometimes when I'm struggling to get Ds dressed, cleaned up and from Point A to Point B, I certainly think with longing to this time last year when I had another adult in the house to help me out.
I think you will feel better when you actually get out there looking for a new job. The sense of new possibilities is always exciting.
I'd like to report I'm perfectly cheerful now but I'm not. I went to D12's basketball game, H came in and sat beside me, that was fine. I made dinner, the girls and I ate together. A friend brought over a little present for me from her day out in the agricultural area of the county. A nice day. And I'm just down. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.
Music in the kitchen, dance the breakfast away. Crunch the granola, tear the croissants, stir the hot coffee pot, make a warm fresh exciting start to a new day. Make the morning bright and lively.
Fill it with light, and sing your heart out in the shower.
Rock in the car. Plan some extra RPP innocent mischief.
Tomorrow is not just going to be better. It is going to be great.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/21/1511:19 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Today was ok. No tears anyway. H and I texted about serval things today. Kids. House. Asked me to go to lunch tomorrow--not with him. Instead of him on behalf of the JDRF.
One of my texts was ever so slightly flirty, no where near of what I was getting last week. He played back. As far as I'm concerned it's just breaking the boredom of business, no expectations, nothing given away.
Thanks for checking in on be bdub. I haven't posted much because there's really nothing new to say. Life goes on. I have been down all week, but I'm chalking that largely up to surgery recovery.
I have texted or talked to or seen H every day this week. Medical stuff. Kid stuff. House stuff. Tax stuff. On and on. Before Christmas I was thinking that January would be a quiet time for us, but then there was my birthday and then the surgery. H's birthday is next week, and we have a family dinner planned.
I don't know what to make of it all. Interactions are pleasant, and we value one another's opinions on things. We always have. But it's not the stuff romance is made of. Apparently, I was OK with a business relationship, he wasn't. So now we continue the business relationship, and he gets his romance on the side. Sigh......
I really want to date. I just want some attention, quite frankly. And I won't do it, because one, I'm M, and two, I'm not fit for anyone right now anyway. I need to focus on being content with myself. I'm finding that difficult.
D12 has two friends to sleep over tonight. It's the first time she's invited friends from the new school to our house. I'm glad.
