Mozza (8) + Links to success stories

[Mach1]

Thanks Mach1. That's a lot to think about. My IC is also focused on who I am and what I want. I see him today.

Well, what else do you have at the moment ??

Except the TIME to heal, to learn, and to grow...

Lemma ask you this. IF, she was to call today and want to make this work....

Are YOU in a place with yourself to support that ???

Or would be very quickly back into old behavioral patterns, only to repeat this down the road in a few months ???

Are you willing to sacrifice YOU, just to say that you are married ??

Cause I think that you have already taken that route....

I have read T5LL. The language I speak is acts of service and the language my W understands best is words of affirmation. The language she speaks is physical touch and the one I understand best is quality time. Yes, lots of mismatch and I wish I knew that before. Not only would I have adjusted my language, but I would have understood better that I have higher than average expectations for focused attention and forgiven my W more easily when she didn't give it to me.

NMMNG is a great read too.

I have a couple others when you are done with those..

Co-dependent no more
The journey from abandonment to healing

Also, please make sure that you read for fun too. Don't let this crap consume you from the inside, by only feeding what is on your plate today.

The future is pretty bright Mozz, and just because you have rainclouds this day, there will be sunny days too...

I also want you to keep 5LL on your reading list down the road. The first time that I read it, was shortly after my bomb, and it read to me as a laundry list of how I F'ed up my marriage. The second time I read it, was down the road a few months, and it took on a whole different meaning for me.

I found out that the way that I receive love, is differing from the way that I show love.

Don't beat yourself up about it either. A lot of us would have been much different if we only knew....

You did the best that you could with the tools that you were working with at that time...

Now, is the time to reload your toolbox....

[Mozza]

Lemma ask you this. IF, she was to call today and want to make this work.... Are YOU in a place with yourself to support that ??? Or would be very quickly back into old behavioral patterns, only to repeat this down the road in a few months ???

I believe it's too early for her to come back, even from my own perspective. I'm changing every day and I'm learning, sometimes about myself, sometimes about relationships and people in general. I test how much I've changed by observing my behavior with the people around me and I feel I still have some way to go.

It's because I'm aware of this, and that my W herself has her own journey, that I've accepted to go NC except for the kids, turning down her invitations to lunch and banter emails. I have the gift of time.

Are you willing to sacrifice YOU, just to say that you are married ?? Cause I think that you have already taken that route....

That's new to me, though it does sound like what my IC is telling me. He's saying that I'm passive aggressive so I pushed my W away with my unpleasant behavior because I didn't have the guts to leave her and I wanted her to do it. Of course, he uses more subtle wording. I can't say that I buy it yet. He says I resist because being single again confronts me to my fear of women and sure, I'm no Casanova. Still, it's heavy stuff and I don't like how I feel I have to accept it or prove it with my resistance...

Co-dependent no more
The journey from abandonment to healing

It's interesting that you recommend Co-dependent no more. Is there something in my sitch that makes you think we were co-dependent? On the surface, at least, we were very independent. We'd take separate holidays, would see friends separately, could take care of the kids alone for weeks on end, etc. In fact, it's this distance that create an atmosphere of "partnership" that made my W say that there was no love and couple anymore. She wanted more connection.

Also, please make sure that you read for fun too. Don't let this crap consume you from the inside, by only feeding what is on your plate today.

I just finished reading Gone Girl!

I also want you to keep 5LL on your reading list down the road. The first time that I read it, was shortly after my bomb, and it read to me as a laundry list of how I F'ed up my marriage. The second time I read it, was down the road a few months, and it took on a whole different meaning for me.

Yes, I love re-reading a book later. It's often like a new one. And yes, T5LL read like a list of things I've done wrong...

Mach1: I like that you started commenting on my sitch. You bring a new perspective at the right time, just as I'm moving the focus back to me. Can I ask you if there's something in my sitch that attracted you?

[Train]

Mozza, someone may have mentioned it already - or perhaps you've already read it - but in addition to DR and 5LL, "His Needs, Her Needs" was a GAME-CHANGER for me and my M.

It's a great read for how to "affair-proof" a M.

Some of these books, when our spouses are wayward, are painful to read ... many times because, like you've pointed out, we'll kick ourselves for not knowing the information BEFORE it could be too late.

But these books have nuggets of gold that will make us better partners to our spouses - if/when our Ms are reconciled - or to another person down the road.

[Mach1]

Co-dependent no more
The journey from abandonment to healing

It's interesting that you recommend Co-dependent no more. Is there something in my sitch that makes you think we were co-dependent? On the surface, at least, we were very independent. We'd take separate holidays, would see friends separately, could take care of the kids alone for weeks on end, etc. In fact, it's this distance that create an atmosphere of "partnership" that made my W say that there was no love and couple anymore. She wanted more connection.

Well, I didn't say that you were...just that it was a good read...

So, how do YOU feel about it ?

Mach1: I like that you started commenting on my sitch. You bring a new perspective at the right time, just as I'm moving the focus back to me. Can I ask you if there's something in my sitch that attracted you?

You answered your own question ... ^^^

[jim0987]

Hi mozza,

Thanks for keeping checking in on me. I've not had much I can really add to yours as your getting much better input than I can offer.

I just wanted to say though that I have read a whole bunch of relationship type books since BD (like 30). And there is a lot of good stuff - but NMMNG was the one that had the biggest impact on me, it was disturbingly accurate in all but a couple of things. It might not resonate with you but I think you'll get a lot out if it.

[Vanilla]

Mozza, someone may have mentioned it already - or perhaps you've already read it - but in addition to DR and 5LL, "His Needs, Her Needs" was a GAME-CHANGER for me and my M.

It's a great read for how to "affair-proof" a M.

Some of these books, when our spouses are wayward, are painful to read ... many times because, like you've pointed out, we'll kick ourselves for not knowing the information BEFORE it could be too late.

But these books have nuggets of gold that will make us better partners to our spouses - if/when our Ms are reconciled - or to another person down the road.

I am going to be controversial (really V?), imho we can put in place all of the strategies we like to protect our M and it may make only a superficial difference. This is control, the idea that an M can be made bullet proof. MLCers and WAS do what they do, irrespective of all the strategies that LBS have. As part of a strategy, then train has his answer, it worked for him so recommended to try.

Of course if we are better SOs for ourselves that is good for us but I doubt much of it would make a difference in many sitches. This makes the LBS more burdened because if they had done X or Y then things would be different. I doubt it.

This is not pessimism but removes yet another burden from the LBS. Release.

V

[Train]

Train is a "her." Which means, Vanilla, you haven't read my story (or even my mere signature). Which also means you don't know what worked for me. Or why. Or how.

There's no magic bullet. And maybe I'm reading your post wrong, but to suggest I'm saying a LBS can make a bunch of superficial changes and "keep" his/her spouse is unfair. And it's a slap in my face considering the heavy-lifting I've done in my own life and in my M. It's also discouraging to suggest that NOTHING we do could change a particular outcome of our M. Of course it can! MWD: "It takes ONE to tango."

Read the book, Van. And maybe you, too, will understand.

I like "controversial." But let's try to be factual and knowledgable before attempting to throw someone's offerings and experiences under the bus.

Sorry, Mozza. I don't want to start drama here. But I stand by my suggestion to you and wish you the very best.

[MCS]

V,

I'll throw in a quick counterpoint.

I agree and see in my sitch that there probably was little I could do, this was inevitable at some point. However, I tell people about the similarities of people on the board here and came up with this assessment.....it's called 'divorce busting.' So, we all find our way here because 'WE' want to save our marriage and since it has the D word in the title, most sitchs are pretty dire by the time we get her.

W and I did a bible study called 'Saving your marriage before it starts' prior to getting married (I may have happened to pack that book with all her books when I was helping her pack the house;) ) So, same thing, got there by the title

Anyway, so the demographic here is people trying to 'control' the outcome. Once we get here, we see that the real progress is internally and letting go is the toughest thing, so we are going to find comfort in self growth books and all.

However, I agree it's not going to prevent some sitchs. It's like Drivers Ed., it doesn't prevent you from getting into an accident; but it does help give you the tools to maybe avoid some.

[MCS]

Train,

I got a different meaning from V's post. I think what V was trying to say is that LBS can spend a lifetime trying to figure out what "they" did wrong in the marriage and V was just saying that sometimes reading these books holds us in those spots. I can tell you V is one of the best here when it comes to personal growth for this or her next relationship and looking within herself to see what can change to make her a better person.

[Train]

Perhaps.

I read the words "controversial" and "control" and got something entirely different from it, MCS.

Speaks for how we all see and speak things differently, I suppose. Which just reenforces my book recommendation. And, strangely, that was ALL it was ...