Old dog seeks new trick 7

[gan]

Good for you, Old Dog. Hope the weekend goes OK!

[Old Dog]

Yes, it was helpful. Not enough time to discuss everything though and I'd much prefers face to face. I wish my IC would get sorted.

Not doing that well. Not to deny the great leaps and bounds I've already made but I feel as though I've taken a few steps back. Feeling a bit resentful towards daft lass about her date last week. I know I posted above that it's all in the mind, and I mentioned it to Chuck of course and also said "it's just a date, no biggie really" but ... it's still hard to accept your own wife would rather spend time with someone else.

[Vanilla]

Thanks for the tips on the calls from the UK Old Dog. After 31 Jan was planning some DB calls myself.

Was interested in your feel the fear coaching too.

How are you finding these are helping you?

I get the fins (finance) thing, I really do. My is compulsive and I could never keep the coffers full enough to satisfy H. Cake eating, never thought of it that way.

Would your moving out assist in the Fins?

V

[Old Dog]

Back at home again. I got the bus back last night so she didn't pick me up at the train station. I wasn't very talkative last night except one to one with the boys. She disappeared to the bedroom again and had been asleep for a while when I went to bed. And this morning I'm still brooding too much about her date last Sunday.

I decided I can't let my mood ruin the day and put Chuck's advice into action. Daft lass had taken her breakfast into another room to eat - she can't even stay in the same room for that! I went in and said "thank you for letting me know about your date last week rather than me just finding out. I think it was better that way". Then I left immediately without waiting for a response and went to a dentist appointment.

That was so hard. When I got outside, I roared. I don't know where that came from, it just came out. And then I cursed her - yeah, I know.

And back from the dentist: nothing to worry about there. But she says she's out again this evening. No further details though I still feel as though that's another stab through the heart. I just said "right" and left the room. Fighting back the tears now.

[Old Dog]

Feeling at a really low ebb again now. My marriage is slipping away bit by bit and it seems nothing can stop it.

I am really angry that she is going out again tonight: I don't even know who with but of course my mind is sur its with the OM from last Sunday. Hiding away crying right now but I think I'll go for a walk.

I don't want this. My knee jerk reaction would be to up and leave. This is too hard. Mindfulness will only help so far.

[rd500]

Hi. Old dog. I don't post on yours much but I really feel for you right now. I know you are up to date on my ditch and I am where you seem to be going. My W spends her time with OM It's really hard to take after years together and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Your W is on a journey and you need to let go You have no control and she will do what she wants. In their heads the am is over and you can change that. Hopefully with time your W will realise what she is losing but only time will tell. Please believe that you will be happy again. No one knows what that happiness will look like but it will be there. I can't give wise advice but from my experience try to keep busy , try to not brood about it ( easier said than done) and know that things happen for a reason. I have read on here about setting boundaries and would encourage you to look at these If your living together and she is going on dates then that seems like a deal breaker for me Anyway please know that posting often will help the wiser ones amongst us to post words that might help. Take care. RD

[Old Dog]

Thanks RD.

I'll have to look at setting boundaries. I'm fed up with the cake eating especially if she now wants to start cheating.

[Maybell]

Hi, OD.

Correct my impression... I seem to recall early in your sitch that you and daft lass had agreed to an in house separation, and that there was a big production about explaining it all to the boys? There was some conversation about selling the house and something about a rental? Am I remembering incorrectly?

Either way, the way your W is acting, she has already left the marriage. It isn't slipping away. It's gone. Just in an incredibly slow and hurtful way.

There's a story around here about the Stockdale paradox and learning to accept that you're already dead. You haven't adopted that thinking yet, but for your own well-being, it may be time to.

You seem like a good guy, Old Dog. I'm glad you roared, sometimes that really helps. Im sorry for the torturous way this is unfolding and I hope you find a way to move forward and find your happy groove.

[Old Dog]

Hi Maybell. It wasn't termed an in house separation but maybe that's what it is. We did explain to the boys that we weren't a couple but still living together. This is what she offered on bomb day - an unconventional arrangement.

We rent the house we live in. It's too small for our needs and costs too much for its size. We rent out the house own. We didn't want to live in there any longer. We lose financially on this arrangement so we want to sell it.

Yes, as far as she's concerned "it's over, it's run its course, it is what it is". It is very slow and incredibly painful. Every weekend a mini death.

I don't know about the Stockdale paradox, I'll have to look it up.

I am a good guy but also a nice guy, that also depresses me. Who would want to get back together with a nice guy? There so much work to do and I feel stuck and unsure. My wife would have help me but she has cutie adrift.

And so I find myself at this low ebb after 8 months of trying really hard to change. I don't want to be here right now. I don't want her or the boys to see me like this. I can't look in the mirror. It's all ****.

I want to scream at her "what the **** do you think you're doing? We should be working our hardest to see if we can save our relationship, not throwing in the towel and cheating".

I just went for a walk in the sunshine and listened to a funny podcast along the way to try and take my mind off things and I still feel like this.

[raliced]

OD- I'm just going to throw something out there.

I think early in my situation, I thought it was really "bad" compared to others on this board. My STBX basically dropped the bomb, revealed OW and ran away on the same day. And he literally hid his whereabouts for a long time. I read other situations where people were more civilly separated, and envied that they were in a much better spot.

I don't think that anymore. I think I am actually one of the luckier ones. I basically went straight to the bottom and have had nowhere to go but up. Mentally, that makes it a lot easier for me to deal wth.

You, on the other hand, are dying by a thousand cuts every weekend. I know from experience reading your thread, that if you post during the week - it will be pretty upbeat. But when you post during the weekend its generally a lot more pained.

Old Dog- I don't think its considered very DB to initiate separation - but it sure seems like your situation is not working for you. And you need to find something that works better. You don't need to do anything hastily- but start exporing your options and putting a plan together to release yourself from this awful purgatory.

Just my .02.