Happiness Can Exist Only In Acceptance

[HPoirot]

Hello Andy, Karma, LITB, Vapo, and Vanilla. Me and S12 did end up going outside into the snow to get batteries for one of his toys (they turned out to be dead but so what). He was in a sad and agitated way after getting frustrated with his guitar practice. I was getting frustrated too so the ride really helped us both. He cheered up to his happy self soon. I'm getting there. We're watching an Indiana Jones movie so it's all good now. But he's still sad... still wanting this to be fixed. It's not going to be fixed.

We've been in the condo a little over a month. I'm much better than I was when I first walked in here. Still a long way to go, but my mind is much calmer. No more shakes... no more out of control anger. I get a full nights sleep now. I don't feel overwhelming sadness. I made a slow cooker steak and gravy and mashed potatoes for dinner. I can be much more productive... but I think by next week I'll be at 85%. On my way up.

No I'm not on my GAL plan. IC mentioned that yesterday. The Crossfit was fine and I need it... but I'm not interested. I'm not sure what I'd be really, passionately, obsessively interested to do in this city right now. I want to find that thing.

That's always been my problem here in winter. I want a sunny, warm beach and seawater. I love to go for long swims in the evening. Swimming in the rain is even better. I could do that everyday. If I had that GAL would be easy.

Hello Vanilla. Thank you again for your wonderful words. I've known my OW since we were 10 years old. If we weren't young and afraid, we probably would've been married young and then made all the same mistakes with each other that we've made in our Ms. That's what she said yesterday. That... and we're from the same skin. I've left her as a memory 4 times so far in my life.

So, when my IC said what she said about my OW, I'm sure it was b/c she simply heard what I said.

I don't know what happens next.

I feel like I have everything and nothing.

[SunnyB]

HP, your OW still concerns me. I understand the R you have with OW, I really do. Believe that I get it. And you very well may end up together someday. And when you do, you don't want it marred with the way it happened. You don't want to be wrapped in her arms thinking, she left her last H, will she leave me? She cheated on him, is she really working late? You want it to be right. Be patient and stay away from her. If it's meant to be a few years won't matter.

[HPoirot]

Hello rppfl. You're absolutely right. If I do have another real R... I want it to be right as you say. I would not want to put any man or child through the pain I've gone through. I would not want an R based on that pain.

My OW decided to fight for her M and not do the easy thing. That would be the kind of woman I want.

In any case... I'm no good to any woman who wants a real R yet. As much as I very much want companionship right now as I go to bed... it wouldn't be real and I will be better than that.

[SunnyB]

Hello rppfl. You're absolutely right. If I do have another real R... I want it to be right as you say. I would not want to put any man or child through the pain I've gone through. I would not want an R based on that pain..

Glad to hear that HP. hang in there.

[Karma12]

I love the Sun and the sand too. I'm definitely a summer lover! Lol

I do though go up to the mountains and snow shoe or ski. It's bright and pretty with the snow. Here on the west coast we have mild winters bit it is grey and rainy. Summer here is awesome! Lol

Each day will bring new challenges. You are getting used to your new sense of normal. Read my thread. My H. And his MLC is hurting his only daughter. I feel helpless because I don't have any real rights. Other than I insisted that she have visitation rights with me in our seperation agreement.

[sandi2]

The board has several favorite people. Those who most people really like and have a growing respect for them. These are the ones we just feel kind of special towards, and really want to see them succeed (which means different things to different people).

HP, you definitely fall into this category, IMHO. Your thread has stayed very active since the beginning, and I think it draws us b/c we sincerely want to help in any way we can....and you seem to really be trying to follow the advice given. We see you struggle; see you hurt; see you regroup and discipline yourself to strive harder; see your love for your son outweigh other emotions; see you take a lot of 2x4's :); and see you take it like a gentleman. I don't recall you making many excuses. You don't respond in anger to anyone's post, which I see as quite a strength for someone who says they are coping with a great deal of anger in their stitch.

I just wanted to say that all of this is impressive. I think you are doing a terrific job, even if you can't see it. Doing the right thing is not always easy.

When life is over and they bury you in the ground, they will place a headstone that will have your name, date of birth and date of death. In between the dates is one little mark.....a dash. Have you ever noticed? It is what is in that dash that really tells the story about your life. How you lived your days between those two dates. I believe you want and are trying to live it with integrity, HP. Accepting what you cannot change, and making the most of what you can.....and of what you have right now. Living with honor, and being the role model for not only your child, but for many who may be here....watching and learning.

I believe you are going to be fine, b/c you are willing to do what is right.

As another favorite person from the past would have said, "Cheers".

[25yearsmlc]

HP, lose her number. Get it out of your phone.

1) You know very well that you are in no place to start an R right now,

2) Remember who this is - it's your OW. OW. What was the basis of that relationship again? Oh ya, OW. Today you are daydreaming about a daydream from 5 years ago. It's a mirage. It's not real. It's the sirens luring you to the rocks. Hard to port, man!

HP, you are through the worst of the detachment process, finally in a position to start making a good future for HP. Don't buy another problem for short money.

Such good advice.

I'm still at a loss as to how this^^ can make any sense to you, WHILE being so angry at your w for the same thing.

(Yes, I see it as the same thing. I do not distinguish your early affair from her present one. Sorry, but your OW ended the A, not you. If I'd been your w, and knew that, it would always linger in my memory until if and when I did my own form of DBing...

which you could demonstrate to her)

anyhow, back to You and your GAL...

[25yearsmlc]

- He was in a sad and agitated way after getting frustrated with his guitar practice. I was getting frustrated too so the ride really helped us both. He cheered up to his happy self soon. I'm getting there.

Moods can be contagious. Which type do you want your son to feel??

We're watching an Indiana Jones movie so it's all good now. But he's still sad... still wanting this to be fixed. It's not going to be fixed.


Let him feel as he feels. The only way past it is thru it. As long as he learns that the pain is NOT fatal OR eternal, he might be learning very valuable lessons.

But the part about not letting this go on too long (not eternal) and the part about how it's not fatal (b/c you do heal) may need to be taught and modeled by YOU, don't you think?


We've been in the condo a little over a month. I'm much better than I was when I first walked in here. Still a long way to go, but my mind is much calmer. No more shakes... no more out of control anger. I get a full nights sleep now. I don't feel overwhelming sadness.

^^^PROGRESS!!! Congrats!

I made a slow cooker steak and gravy and mashed potatoes for dinner. I can be much more productive... but I think by next week I'll be at 85%. On my way up.

No I'm not on my GAL plan. IC mentioned that yesterday. The Crossfit was fine and I need it... but I'm not interested.


Instead of waiting for your emotions to cause behavior/action in you,

try behaving/acting first, and creating the emotions.

That's the essence of those TED TALKS of Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor. I highly recommend watching them. The "fake it til you become it" and "The Power of Positivity" are not just wishful thinking. There's strong empirical data supporting their hypothesis.

You have more control over how you FEEL, than you realize.


I'm not sure what I'd be really, passionately, obsessively interested to do in this city right now. I want to find that thing.

You can't "Find" it by waiting for it.

Go exploring, studying, volunteering, creating...and you may thereby "find" it or create it.


That's always been my problem here in winter. I want a sunny, warm beach and seawater.

I'll have to post my GAL list to you soon. I did the things in it, in Alaska's interior...mostly in the winter.

The colder darker the place, the MORE you must GAL. Not the other way around.


I love to go for long swims in the evening. Swimming in the rain is even better. I could do that everyday. If I had that GAL would be easy.


I could be wrong but imo, GAL means by definition, pushing the envelope and expanding your comfort zones by going out of them. IF GAL were easy, imo, it's Not really GAL.

Doing NEW things with NEW people, is key to GAL. There is always the fear and inertia to prevent it....
-

I don't know what happens next.

I feel like I have everything and nothing.

Just so you know, none of us know what happens next. Welcome to humanity.

HP, you want to be a good man and I think you are on your way to becoming that guy. Stay the course. IT's why there is so much support for you.

You want to rise above the venial urges many feel...and that's admirable.

But please please consider the advice you are getting AND FOLLOW IT more.

We say these things b/c we know they helped us and most of us have been where you are, in some form.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

HP,

Remember that you cannot heal, without detaching and you cannot detach, without GAL.

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter.

And I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team for two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some very fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it & getting outside at least part of every day.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, (let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long LONG winters.)

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I actually liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club (after 15 years of active duty & ignoring them).
Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French (Portuguese for you?)

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, & skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

Have you contacted the EE people about February and that workshop?

I hope you do, b/c you will get A LOT out of it. You're so ripe for the changes and transitions you want to make.

(( ))