You wouldn't believe the crazeee I unleashed on Smokey for months and months and he still peaked out of the tunnel and gave his lame attempt at reconciliation...AFTER all the crazeee.
In the end, I'm not sure it makes a whole helluva big difference what we do or don't do. But, we still have the power if we choose to use it. This shid is so complicated.
Being a lighthouse doesn't mean contorting yourself into insane positions that break your bones and dignity. I mean, you could. You have the choice to bend and twist and allow him all of this cake eating...But, that's not being a lighthouse.
If your goal is to be the lighthouse, then think about a lighthouse...firmly footed, consistent, beautiful, a beacon of stability no matter what storm is raging. Remove him from the equation for now...just focus on how to get YOURSELF to this place. How do you get that? How do you BE that?
Right now, he is unable to steer his ship TO the lighthouse. He is a nightmare on acid...and then some.
Give him the gift of goodbye for now. Step back, regain some perspective.
When Smokey took his short-lived vacation from crazee-land, I hung onto him with all my strength. I gave him everything I had. I squeezed every bit of clarity that man had outta of his skin with my fear, anxiety, abandonment issues...I was the crazy person on the shore screaming "Pick Me!"
I did more damage to myself and the kids.
I have an extra bedroom if you need to get away. The north country is beautiful this time of year. I could meet you halfway or even come to Buffalo. I'm in a much better position to meet up than I was a few months ago.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Smokes, you guys! YOU are the strong ones! You were so strong for me! Thank you. Got me through, yet, another tough one.
That just made me think... I wonder how xh gets through these tough times? I mean... no wonder he is so stuck and mixed up right now... he doesn't have- YOU! (or any support system )
So... he came back last night. He knew I was having a rough time. It was nice he came back- and we were able to talk!
He told me he avoided the conversation bc he didn't want to stop seeing me and the kids (I guess he means free range with the kids?). So he avoided it. Then he said the last couple of days, he thought about it and thought it was a good idea to have space and that he needs to stay focused on the kids. (However his actions indicate the same behavior).
Now... the gut wrenching part- the part that made me break out into an all-over sweat (I know, gross).
He said he can't guarantee 100% that he won't go back to hww.
Say what??!!
Now it was really mixed up how he was saying it. He said he can't say that bc he does not know what will happen in the future as now he is focusing on the kids. All of them.
But then he said he wouldn't (kind of, in a way said it) go back, because he won't forget how things went down. To me this implied he was ok with the sitch, until things went down at the end (with my kids and how she handled it).
So I asked, if he got over that or if things went down differently, would it be different? (I know, too many questions- but I was confused... and remember.... sweating profusely). He said he wouldn't forget how she acted towards him when things were tough. He would sit in the basement (I guess it was pretty empty except his weight bench and he would always sit down there) and be upset about his r with the kids and how she would get upset at him and say that he cant let it ruin what they have there.(He told me this before) He said he can't forget how she wasn't (I can't remember exact words) supportive or compassionate of what he was dealing with. So because of that, I guess he wouldn't go back, but on a different note, can't say 100% sure that he would never go back.
WTF?
OK, I think I will just write that off as crazy-head. And, it only give me more momentum to back the f off.
What I see the sitch as, is back a year ago (only WAY more screwed up now)... him at a place where he was supposed to figure himself out. Yet, he had his distraction. And he had to chose what he wanted. (I thought marriage or not, didn't know the choice was her or me).
But I don't want to be in a position again waiting on him. Not when there is a choice involved. If it were waiting on him to "heal" or whatever, I could wait and see what we are working with. But a choice between her or me. No thanks. Not gonna happen. I do not want to be in a position where a man has to chose between me and another woman. Particularly the man who was my husband and his mistress. Grrr....
It sounds pretty mess up, I know. I feel good about getting my own self back on track. Back where I was. And the way I see it, he is stuck. He has legal/custody things to finalize with her, yet he isn't finalizing things that could hand should have been done a long time ago. Like the rest of his stuff, mailing address.
And, since he is always there, I feel like he had one foot in the door here, and one there. He really needs to knock it off. He needs to see the reality of the sitch he is in. Alone- not at all his baby mommas' houses. This is not reality. He is stuck. He will not see reality until he faces it. He can't do that in the position he is in. So, if I have to cut him off here, so be it. And if that means he feels at home there and goes back... so be it.
He says he wants to stay out of the drama- he is the drama.
So we decided last night that we would think about a schedule for him to see the kids (difficult when they are older, but we will figure something other than what we have now). I wish he would get one for the other one too, but that's not my ball game. We are supposed to discuss it today.
So, here is the interesting part. He texted me this morning to tell me he was going over there to be with the baby bc hww is taking her son out.
OK, so that seemed like a lot of info. Not sure why he told me, as all week, he kept it under wraps and I never asked a word. He said he did not want to feel like he had to report to me, yet, I have never said anything about him going there since the baby has been here. (Referring back to when we had open communication).
I'm confused. I know he is. I didn't respond. I don't even know what to say! I am sure today will be only more confusing for him. He will get the results confirming it's his. I think this will only make him feel even more guilty.
But- I am focusing on me now. I wrote out the things I needed to address in our conversation. I have a tendency to forget or digress. It is better for me to write it out so I can focus on the task at hand. Scatter-brain much? Yes, I was dropped on my head as a baby. Ha! No joke..... by that I mean- don't make any jokes.
I am also feeling a little more ready for getting back to gal. It's amazing how much better you feel when you aren't waiting around for someone.
And that's the ticket. I realize it's only been a few hours, but I've been down and up so much in the past year that I realize that when you are waiting on someone else, it hinders your ability to gal. To think about what you want- because you are focused on someone else- thinking that's all you want. But, what if that person wants something you don't. Well, that's a scary place to be.
If I keep moving, I think the odds of one of two things happening increase. He moves away from me, or he moves along with me- not at the same place, but progression. There is a chance of being stuck, but I can't imagine him being stuck like this forever. It's not him. But, what the heck do I know?
Going back to reread all of the posts from last night. That's good literature!
I know he believes it is his baby, but I'm still praying the results today show it's NOT his! Wouldn't you love to see the fireworks with HWW if that turns out to be the case???
Step away from his drama. Until he's made up his mind as to which one he wants to be with permanently, then he wouldn't be cake eating at my house. He's the drama king and he needs to figure out what he wants and clean up his mess. If he opts to return to you too soon, then he'll continue the current MLC at a later date.
Mighty, he reminds me of a teenager, relying heavily on "mom" to listen and fix his problems for him. You are far to available to him and he needs to realize that you are divorced and you do have a life of your own and are living it. He needs to see that you are moving forward and are taking care of you and your children. If he wants to spend time w/the children, that's okay, but he needs to start taking them to his place and spending time w/them. He needs to be taking them out by himself and actually feel the loss of you. He can't do that if you are readily available and doing things w/him as a "family" unit.
Mighty...it's time to set those boundaries and adhere to them. If you don't, he'll continue waffling and cake eating until someone stops the merry-go-around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can’t even place myself where you are. As someone who cares deeply for you looking in, it is hard to see you spin like this.
Mighty, I see you trying so hard to find peace.
I believe you are doing everything you possibly can and then some to get there.
The thing is, although you write that you are detached, and that you are focusing on yourself, you really are not. You are too deep in it to see this. You are actually doing the opposite of what you think you are doing.
For me, I couldn't see it until I stepped back. You can’t see it yet. But you will.
Take a breath. Get out of the house. Heck, get out of the state if you have to. It may be just what you need to shake things up and gain a different perspective.
My dear friend, this is not going to turn around anytime soon. You are taking crumbs. It gives you hope. Then it goes haywire, and you're upset.
Paying attention to him and her are not serving you well. Not at all.
What I mean by that, is when you guess what they are doing, when they do it and why, and what they were thinking, and what they will do in the future, what he has realized, when is he staying there, when is he coming here, what he blames you for now....
He hasn't done the work. Not one ounce. Don't get taken to soothe his immediate needs, because that is all you are doing.
You are putting energy into something you have zero control over. It is a waste. And it only hurts you. I believe it is keeping you stuck.
I see how much you love him. Your M was real. It was meaningful. And obviously you were both very connected as a couple because there is still a tie that can’t be undone.
However, he is in crisis. He cannot be that man now. The hope is he can in the future. Watching the chaos is causing more pain for you, Might.
SHOULD you find yourself working on a R in the future, the less you know about them, the less you have to work through in piecing. You must stop watching, stop asking questions that are not about the kids…and restrict the convo to YOUR kids only…and stop thoughts of wondering about them altogether.
You must stop letting their behaviors become engraved into your memory.
He may be there in body….but, Mighty, right now? He is gone.
I’m so sorry to say that. I know how bad it hurts to realize, because I have been there.
Resisting the truth of that is keeping you in pain.
You guys are totally accurate. I know this. I am trying to figure out now exactly what I need to do for me. For starters- space. Away. I've detached before. I know I can do it again. The close proximity is a little more difficult, but it can be done.
Today we are to work out a schedule. I hope he is mentally available enough for it to actually happen, given today's pending results.
This cannot continue this way. I have to remove myself. Ok.... Forge away.... Into the unknown- for sure!!
But- I am focusing on me now. I wrote out the things I needed to address in our conversation. I have a tendency to forget or digress. It is better for me to write it out so I can focus on the task at hand. Scatter-brain much? Yes, I was dropped on my head as a baby. Ha! No joke..... by that I mean- don't make any jokes.
Writing down things to address in a convo with him ISN'T putting the focus on YOU.
Why not set 48-72 hours of no contact. Start there. If that's too much, 8 hours of no contact. Step back for just a bit. NO CONTACT. Push him from your mind when you become aware he's encroaching again.
I realize you will get the big test results today or tomorrow...but, what about preparing yourself for no contact after you get the results? Prepare yourself in whatever way you need to.
Step back in small steps if that's all you can do for now.
Love to you.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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