You're so articulate and insightful sounding, I feel as if you are on the right course & barely need my advice.
Just to be clear, I am Not suggesting you pull back and disappear. I'm not a fan of an indifferent attitude to a WAS, especially one who is being polite and flirty with you. You don't want to shut him down but you don't want to pursue.
In your situation (and not all are like this), I really believe your h KNOWS what he'd need to do or start with, if he were ready to try for real. So you don't have the problem of thinking "OMG what if h doesn't realize I'd be willing to reconcile under certain conditions??" He knows you're more than willing and that has NOT gotten him home.
Now that he SAYS he is seeing you in ways that sound familiar from the good times, just confirm those visions he has of you, the positive images that contrast witht he negatives he used to justify leaving, and then ACT like a woman who is moving on. (I would tell you to just "move on, he knows how to catch up",
but something "acting" is the most we can ask for until the LBS is really ready to do it).
In any case, YOU are the one who must have no expectations. NO expectations of him going forward as a partner to you, AND while you are also being a kindly neighbor to him and "aunt" of your SD...
That phrase or mantra for your life "Gotta hurry b/c I'm Busy doing fun new things, meeting fascinating people and going to interesting new places!!" has to be what you radiate.
The paradox of this^^ GAL,
is that on one hand, these pieces add up to you being your most attractive to your h, WHILE NOT being the goal of it, at all.
Rather the upbeat happiness and appealing self you will become, is the byproduct of active GAL and so,
when some LBSers worry about how GAL Might make it seem as if they don't care about their WAS, we remind them of how much more appealing they are by doing this^^.
We remind them that clinging and obsessively 'needing' their spouse (or making the WAS responsible for their happiness...) won't work. Making the spouse the focus of our lives makes us boring, too.
Around here we know most, what does NOT work.
Make sense?
Finally, you sound healthy. I believe the fun loving, self care activities you are engaged in, are things you just need to keep on doing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for your thoughtful insights. I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying.
Part of what I think sparked H. To get friendlier in the Summer was my SD telling him about a young guy that was hitting on me when I took her on vacation to visit my brother. We had just arrived and we're taking out our suitcases when this man that was no more than 30 something came over and was asking me my name, if I was single, telling me how attractive I was. I was really embarrassed at the time and SD told EVERYONE the story.lol Apparently she told H when she got home all about it.
H does know I've been going to parties over Xmas and that I have traveled. He also knows I have a profile now on an online dating site. He knows too that most of my friends that were single now have boyfriends.
H said we had coffee the other night that he knows I'm the real meal deal and not someone that has casual relationships. I told him that that did not mean I had my suitcases packed thinking I was going to sell my place and move back in. I told him I had thought we were getting to know each other again and would maybe date and see where things grew. I said that way I could come back to my nice clean place and you could stay in your messy place without it bothering me. We both laughed other that as it is the truth! Lol
I agree being indifferent is not the right idea. I was thinking more of not answering texts as quickly, not being as available ect. He did start the getting closer by doing funny little trying not to be obvious but being soooo obvious things like texting me not about SD at weird times using silly reasons. Eg. He texted me once at 2:30 am to say " I heard Scotland is voting for independence. ( I'm Scottish) what does your family think?" Haha.
When we first split H did not want to spend time with me and his texts were very short and only about SD. At that rime I think he would have been happy to not have to see me again. Now he wants me in his life and was worried that I was going to shut the door on him. He can't committ to yes and he can't committ to no.
One thing I have learned in my life is the definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviors expecting different results.
I will do as you said. I will move ahead in my life with no expectations. If I'm not really ready to date I will act as if I am. I will be more mysterious. H said he wants to stay close and know what's going on in my life. I will be more evasive when it comes to my social life. ; )
Once her returns from his trip and we are in contact I will be asking for feedback to help keep me on the straight and narrow.
Thanks again!
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Other enquiring minds would like to know that too..
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Haha...hot yoga is taught in a heated room. The temperature is 40 Celsius that's 104 degrees F in the USA. The classes are 60-90 minutes long. We do flow through poses and it increases strength as well as flexibility and balance. The music is spa/yoga relaxation music. You do sweat a lot and eel totally recharged after a class. It helps quiet the mind. Great for the body and soul. Distresses me. I live on the West Coast in BC Canada. It's very popular up here with both men and women.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I'm still keeping busy with all my GAL activities. No contact since Jan 1/15 with H. Actually feels better to have some distance. Our talk was an eye opener for me. I am moving forward in my life. If he catches up that's up to him.
He says he admires my values but now I question his. SD 13 is left alone too much. This is going to come back and bite him in the a$$ in a couple of years. I worry what will happen to her. One day he will be a story man.
25yrs I'm dipping my toe in the dating pool. I've created an online profile. Lol Life goes on and I want to live mine.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
