Forging Through the Unknown

[beatrice]

Mighty - you are so right on the lack of closure. And the ones that periodically 'try' (used in the very loosest sense) to come back actually contribute to the problems we face.

These 'touch and goes' are painful and disruptive. We tend to believe them because our former partners seem normal when they say those things - and frankly we often want to hear them.

And UR is right - acceptance is the golden ring. Being who we want to be.

On a lighter note I was hit on twice in the last week (not just my imagination) by guys 20 years younger than me!! It made me laugh all the way home!

[job]

Mighty,
The MLC split is very different from a normal split. There is no rhyme or reason as to why they walk because they had good marriages. Every marriage has ups and downs and no marriage will always be fun and exciting like the days leading up to it. In other words, the honeymoon phase slowly disappears and reality sets in w/bills, work, home life and children. In many marriages, if there are problems, they can be worked out, however, the MLCer doesn't think rationally and doesn't want to work things out, but rather destroy everything and move on to the next phase of seeking a companion and start over. They can't think further than one step in front of them. It's the word "new" that calls them away from what they had. Hence, very few, if any, of us get "closure". It boggles my mind each and every time I hear of someone going off the rails into MLC land.

Yes, the touch and goes are painful because we think that they are actually waking up and wanting to reconcile or try to come back home. However, they are only moments of clarity and to see if we are still right where they left us. We begin to warm up again and want to see and hear the "normal" spouses and our hopes raise just a bit and then BAM! they are back in the tunnel again. The best way to deal w/the mlcer is to put some distance between you. You can lovingly detach and go on w/your life.

Accepting that you are divorced and what it entails takes some time getting use to. You've not had the time to really explore what it means because your h and his drama have been all over your side of the street. It's time to sweep his drama back across the street and allow yourself the time to mourn and move forward w/your life. If he ever wakes up and does the actual hard work of fixing himself and his situation, then I would allow him one step over on your side of the street. He's got to prove to you he's ready to come back and be the mature man, husband and father and not some wimp who can't make up his mind and runs to you all of the time w/his drama. Quite frankly, he looks to you as his "mother" to fix things, give him advice and yes, encourage him to do the right things. "Mom", step back, allow your man child to grow up and take on the responsibilities of life.

Mighty, you will feel so much better if you were to put some distance between you. When your friends and family start to talk about h and his mess, shut them down. You don't need to hear this stuff. It only makes things worse for you. I know you love him and would like for him to return, but it's going to be a long time before that happens, if ever. It's time to start thinking like a single, independent woman who has some great kids and a life that's worth living. Whatever happens, you are going to be just fine.

[Karma12]

So well said Job and so very true.

[Karma12]

I think that it is natural to get hopeful when you see gimmers of the old H. It's learning to be self protective once you realize it's only temporary.

I agree with Beatrice and Job. MLC is so different from a WAS. My marriage was going a long like most with no deal breaking issues. It was like a switch went off in my H. One day and he started his depression and withdrawal. I was worried about him I had no idea our marriage was entering its last year.

I think it's the shock and disbelief that makes it so much harder to accept the loss. A WAS is leaving after a period of problems in the M. Much like a long time illness eventually causing death. A MLC is like someone seemily healthy suddenly dying.

Detaching lovingly is the only way. The source of your pain is H. Let him deal with the mess he's made and give yourself space to heal

[Ss06]

Mighty, I'm finally catching up again on things and I have to say you are regaining your strength, I can hear it.

You want to help him through all this stuff to guide him back to you... But that's not how this works. Your detachment is crucial to your well-being and to remind you that YOU should be your only focus. He is neck deep in his own chaos and you can't help him wade through. You just can't. One of the hardest parts in all of this is proverbially watching someone drown in their own mess while you're standing on the deck. He gas to save himself. He has to find his own tools. And you have to get out of the way.

Breathe. Take care of YOU.

[Mighty]

You guys are are right. I need to go back to the tools I used before when I detached. I am finding it easier this time around. I have gone out of my way not to look out the window (I can see his truck- or see it's gone) right out my living room, among other windows. Plus I think things like I did before: if he wants me, he knows where to find me. I want him all in or all out. He said he was going for what he wants- well that had yet to be determined. I am stepping out of the way. He has lots of work to do- and it's on him. I know I will be fine without him.

He needs to man-up. I want someone who wants me, supports me, and is there for me. Those cannot be wavering. I don't want him as long as he is twisted up in the sitch w HWW. No way- no how. No part of that. It's going to be awhile- if ever.

Right now I know I need to work through the anger. I am fine MOST part of the day. I do, however, have times when the anger waves over me. It is then that I realize it's depth. The good thing is that it's controlled. It happens when I am alone. When I have a moment. It is never directed elsewhere. I know what makes me angry. I can pinpoint it. And know exactly where I am directing it in my thoughts. It does not trickle elsewhere.

But, like I said, it's deep. I don't know what to do about it. It is so frustrating it brings me to tears. Searing anger and tears. I think the tears are bc of the frustration of not knowing what to do with the anger, and because of it's depth.

It does not consume me. The whole doesn't consume me as it once did. Sometimes I just have a dull sick feeling, other times I am perfectly fine.

Upward and onward. One foot in front of the other.

Read an article on cake-eating this morning. Very helpful.

Thanks guys.

At ortho dr now w d13. Hope she's not out for the season! Yikes!

[job]

I hope you and your daughter get good news and that she's okay and will be up and ready to go back playing before too long.

Get your pink tool box out and utilize the DB tools that you have to help you through this rough patch.

Hang in there!

[Train]

I just spent two days reading through your threads, from Day One. Since you have a sense of humor, I trust you'll take this in the way it's intended: "Good LORD, Honey-Child! Talk about a freakin' NAIL-BITER over here! I was on the edge of my seat; I didn't stop reading until 2:30 this morning ... and then put S8 on "independent work" for his (home)school today just so I could finish.

I don't have to tell you this: I've been here twice now (once in 2005/06, which was the A that resulted in XOW's baby, and then again last year because H and I didn't "do" piecing correctly after the first time), and you've - hands-down - had some of the best advice I've seen on these boards. Incredible support for an incredible - (fittingly) mighty - powerhouse! I'm inspired.

Though it took me two days to read through your threads, I feel it could take me a week to write what I've thought of writing as I read. I think part of the reason it was such a nail-biter and had me so enthralled is because, due to my experiences, I felt like I was right there with you ... or right back there at that time in my life. Thankfully, and I hope it's a little consolation for you, I'm almost nine years past the "OW's pregnant" BD, and I am a-okay. I'll never forget my feelings, which is why I think I found my way here, to your story, albeit a little late. It still hurts. But it doesn't sting or slice the way it did.

I can write about my experiences later and as you have questions (if you have any).

Meanwhile, ***DISCLAIMER***: I feel a little awkward jumping in and giving any observations this far into the game. Plus, I have no experience with MLC, so keep that in mind. I'm sure if I say something wrong, your awesome regulars will step in and politely correct me. That's something else I learned while reading over here in MLC Land: You guys are freaking NICE and so supportive! Geez ... unlike the stiff 2x4s I got against my noggin over in Infidelity! (If you're reading, Starsky, I'm only KIDDING! You're my BFF for LIFE, brah!)

(And when it comes to making short stories long, Mighty, you've met your match, mmkay? ) I hope I don't lock your thread, because that wouldn't be a very neighborly thing to do on my first "real" visit ...

Anyway, with all those disclaimers out of the way, I do feel I maybe have the benefit of having digested your entire journey - start 'til now - in just a few hours. So the "you" that was "you" before H started showing signs of peeking/crawling out of his tunnel is still really, really fresh in my mind. And I can tell that his new "interest" started sending you spinning, almost from the jump. (Ahem, *do not think* I'm 2x4ing you for that because - boy! - do I understand! I've lived it. Twice.) But I think you've been given AMAZING advice to pullllllll on those reins a little bit right now. Slow 'er down - simmer a bit - and try to pull yourself back to center, to a place with NO expectations of H. Expectations lead to disappointments, even when a situation isn't THAT dire.

Your H started showing interest in you around the time that ol' Stella had gone and gotten her groove back. Honey, whoever said it is right: hww couldn't shine your shoes! You're amazing! You're sharp. You're a hard worker. You're put-together. You have A LOT more - ahem - experience . You're *hil.a.riousssss (like, I've literally LOL'd sooo many times reading your posts). And ATTRACTIVE! You're the total package, baby! And all that radiates from every post you've written, so do us all a favor and don't try to deny it.

HopefulStill (another one of my faves, but he's hardly here anymore) once encouraged me to back completely out of my wayward H's life: "Don't meet ANY of his needs," he said. And that was hard. No offers of dinner. No words of affirmation. No physical touch. HS was quoting at least one expert's philosophy that if the LBS backs out of the way, s/he then forces the OW/OM to meet all the WAS's needs. And that's when that person's warts start showing. It takes the crazy off of YOU and gives the OW the chance to start showing her warts and fangs. (If you're spinning, you really don't want H to see that because it puts the crazy back on YOU instead of letting him see it from the person who's REALLY crazy. See what I mean?)

I see that that's precisely what happened in your H's case: you backed out (and got your groove back, giving H glimpses of the hawt, FABULOUS, movin'-on Mighty any time you were around him), and he was left with *just* OW. In all her crazy glory. And - lo and behold - he began to see that maybe things with Mighty weren't so bad, after all! (Duh.)

Fast-forward to the birth of baby: Your H is out-of-his-mind confused. I don't want to sound like I'm defending him (or my H when he was in that same place), but can you IMAGINE how freaking TWISTED they feel? I'd usually encourage you to stay out of H's head. But really consider stewing on that for a minute because it MIGHT help you to muster-up some compassion (yuck) for how conflicted he feels right now - which will in turn (and most importantly) help YOU with some perspective. Let me interject a little of my story here, just to provide some background:

H left me in September 2005, when I was about two months pregnant with our son, now almost 9. (Ellie may not remember, but she was the first to tell me on these boards that my H was cheating; she just KNEW it. Turns out: she was right. SHOCKING, right? (:::insert smiling eyeroll here:::) ) Anyway, I didn't know he was cheating at the time. He just left. And he acted like he was possessed by demons. MEAN as all get out! It was very frightening. Anyway, he was gone until January 2006 (just four, little months), when he came home and told me OW was pregnant ... and he said pretty much everything your H has said to you. My H, granted, was "all in" from the moment he came back. (But listen to this important part: THAT is where we started to go wrong ... and why I ended up back here last year, 8 years later; but I'll get into that another day if you want.)

I became TOO supportive of my H during the remaining months of my (and XOW's) pregnancies. I was SO flippin' mad at her. AND at my H. But, like you, I had spent a great deal of time being mad at him ... and knew I'd spend probably YEARS being mad at him. So I didn't make excuses for using a little of my time being mad at her, too. She would.not.stop contacting my H while he was in our home, despite him sending her a NC letter. She called/messaged about doctor's appointments ... asking H to go hear the baby's heartbeat with her ... asking if H wanted to be in the room when she was delivering ... asking him to come back to their apartment to reach glasses over the refrigerator because she was just too short to reach them. (Gag.) With my H's permission, I (finally) broke my silence with her and wrote her a letter of my own, telling her that I stood beside my H no matter what he decided where she and her baby were concerned. And if he wanted to be in the doctor's appointments and labor/delivery room, I would stand beside him. Like, literally. Right beside him in the room. (Obviously she would never allow that ... which was precisely the point of writing it ...)

She left him alone from that point forward; she had all his information to be in touch when the baby was born.

And that's when this Train started charging, full-steam ahead. XOW already had two kids from a previous M, and she only had partial custody of them. So I encouraged H to go after joint custody of XOW's baby. To say I "encouraged" really means I "pushed," almost forced. In a controlling sort of way, because that - at the time - was my idea of "support" for H. Ummmmm ... notsomuch. I wanted him to see I had his back. He felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn't want to do. But he never told me that because he was walking on eggshells having just come home with a pregnant XOW. I pushed and pushed.

We went to a L together, who is a family friend. XOW's baby was 3 months old at the time. H was paying *a lot* of child support (almost as much as I was receiving for my oldest two girls from a previous M, combined). That HURT. Our L told us we'd need to spend some time with the baby if we were wanting to get more than standard visitation. So, guess what? I packed up my 5-month-old son, stuck out my chest and went with H to OW's apartment, meeting her for the very first time face-to-face (except for the time, you know, I walked in on them boinking, thereby busting their A. But she pulled the covers over her face like the cowardly hobag she was, so that's not technically considered face-to-face, eh?). Ugh. I handed H our son. And I reached my arms out to XOW, who was holding her baby, and she handed me H's daughter. It was a surreal moment; one I'll never forget. H held her but felt no connection. I played with her.

Fast-forward to December 2006. XOW's baby was 5 months old. Custody mediation was set to begin in one week from Christmas. Except my "charging" came to a sudden stop when my daddy died in a trucking accident four days before the first mediation session was scheduled.

I can't tell you what happened to me at that moment. I really HAD felt - up until that moment - that our family would provide more stability (financially, psychologically, etc.) for H's baby. I had grown to WANT her in my life ... because she was my H's child, after all. I harbored no ill-feelings toward the baby. I looked at her as a mirror of ME, strangely: She and I were the two hardest-hit victims in the fiasco. We lost the most. And my heart learned to go out to her, even considering the circumstances.

But when my dad died? It suddenly hit me that I had been pushing. And that this wasn't my baby. And it wasn't my mess. And it wasn't my destiny. And it wasn't my life. Simply put: She wasn't my family. In fact, she was made *in spite of me*. That didn't mean I needed to DISlike her. But it didn't mean I needed to push to have her in my life, either. So I told H: "I know what family means now. You choose what you want to do. She's your daughter."

And he chose to pay child support but to physically stay out of her life. (He chose this because of watching my XH - my older girls' dad - pop in and out of their lives since they were little; H and I had discussed over the years that it would be better - and more admirable - of a dad to just stay completely "out" if he couldn't stay completely "in.") So, he paid child support - which crippled our family - for seven years. And when we found out XOW had married and had another child, we were in touch with her. And to make a long story shorter, she told H that her H had been talking about adopting their daughter, which meant my H could relinquish his paternal rights to OW's D7.

My H stays pretty quiet about it, but he opened up to me this year (after coming home from A2 with an OW who, thank God, had her frickin' tubes tied ... thank God for small favors, right?!?). I never knew it, but he is still absolutely tormented by guilt and shame, especially now that he and I share D3. He feels guilt about his D8. He feels guilt about feeling guilty because of what it did to me and his family. Though where you and I, as LBSs, are/were is the PITS, it really, truly ends up being "nothing" compared to the hell they walk daily. I can say that now, almost nine years later. I wouldn't expect you to be near there right now. But suffice it to say, your H is probably absolutely tortured right now by his decisions and the trail of destruction he has caused *ALL AROUND*. And he is in the thick of it right now, so he has no clarity and no direction.

This is just me being honest: Having not one but TWO women in his ear about it right now is NOT going to help him gain any clarity. And trust me: hww is nagging her face off. Be the opposite, Mighty. As Wonka once told me: Be the OW to the XOW. Think about that for a minute.

I don't know if any of that helps. (If you're even still awake after reading it all.) But I hope SOMETHING about it resonates with you.

Sometimes, Mighty, I think some of these things are going to play out the way they're going to play out, no matter WHAT we do. Sure, our behavior can absolutely influence things. (If you'd go all Rambo on your H, for instance, that kind of crazy can make even hhw's brand of crazy look normal, but obviously you're not gonna do that; I'm just stating that as an example.) Other times, I FIRMLY believe in the advice that always-graceful Wonka once gave me: Sometimes INaction IS an action."

Not many people I know could thread the needle of having nerves of steel and a heart of gold like you have, Mighty. I know good-and-damn-well how deep you're having to reach right now. I *know*. And it ain't over.

But know it *is* able to be overcome.

Right now, let these days and weeks be about Mighty. 'Cause the good Lord knows it's been about everybody else for far too long.

[[[**Train: picking up a pom-pom to join the Mighty Cheerleading Squad.**]]

[kml]

(Ellie may not remember, but she was the first to tell me on these boards that my H was cheating; she just KNEW it. Turns out: she was right. SHOCKING, right? (:::insert smiling eyeroll here:::) )

Lol - Train, I think I've told quite a few people that. I always hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I remember when I was a newbie here, SO certain that MY husband wasn't having an affair - I'm still thankful to whoever it was who set me straight on that.

[Train]

Yep, Ellie. I've always given you the credit for opening my eyeballs. Your "prediction" didn't stand out there alone for long. My discovery quickly followed. But I remember saying to you: "I mean, MAYBE. But I just can't see it! He's not like that!"

What a naive dumba$s I was. I have been the bearer of bad news around here lately, too. I get the same response I gave you. And I just shake my head. But I also feel sad. Most of us who've been around a while know what we know for a reason.

You were a godsend then. Still are.