Whelp.... I'm an idiot. Started a new thread and posted on the old. I will copy and paste it below:
Hey Gwen & g! Thanks for poppin in!
Bea, thanks for that. Very interesting! You are certainly right- he isn't cooked yet. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do, other than focus on myself.
It's also interesting that your x still brings that up- let alone serves out slices of responsibility to others. Ick! I don't want a lifetime of that, and after the emotional, heartfelt apologies, I am now sensing blame from him.
He's in a whirlwind. I have to keep that in mind. I need to be calm and steady.
I should use the strength from my mom... The lady who just finished fighting breast cancer, broke her arm while ice skating with her granddaughters (after they knocked her legs out from under her), finds out Monday if she has to have surgery- and is on her way to Zumba class right now! I'm like, seriously, mom??!!
I just did the same thing! Here is my replyon your old thread
We can only focus on ourselves. But if we can find it in us to be kind, I think it helps.
At least it doesn't fuel the flames more!!
I never defend myself - I did for a long time but found that going on the defensive (or the offensive) doesn't work.
I think they can't live with the guilt until they deal with it. If your xh is prepared to engage, therapy would be good - someone to talk it out with, and face up to some issues. But mostly the avoidant behaviours that brought them to this place persist.
They have these moments of clarity when we think 'ah finally they have got it' but until they own it, they aren't there.
Mighty, you HAVE that strength of your mom....everyone here sees it. You just need to BELIEVE it.
bea, I think you're spot-on. They will avoid that guilt at all costs in many ways, including mood swings and irrational comments. Until and unless they truly face it? They're goners.
Mighty, I may be quiet, but I'm still here, cheering in sign language . Sending hugs and prayers, and positive everything your way, my dear friend.
Keep going. Remember who you truly are. And remember how unbelievably worthy you are of a peaceful life, and being treated with love and respect. No one can take that from you. Whatever they do.... They just can't. Unless you forget that. So don't. K? K.
I almost laughed when I read about your mom. I was thinking, "and she probably answered the phone with a gin and tonic in her good hand"
Quote:
But, yes, it still succks when--at least on the surface--you feel as if someone was chosen as the winner and you were the loser. Maybe that is the time to remove yourself from the contest.
That's always an option, amiga. Always.
One of the hardest things to do is to be rejected, especially by somebody you trusted. For whatever reason. It's fairly natural for a scorned person to look back and re-frame things. Heck, you're not the same person any longer, a fresh look is always warranted. And you can almost assuredly find a way to make the list balance in favor of "dirt bag" and "what was I thinking??" if you try. You could have years ago if you're honest with yourself.
So what really changed? Everything really. You are taking a fresh look at the person and YOURSELF and taking a look.
Kind of like the six blind men (not PC? - tough) describing an elephant. They each "saw" something different based on their current perspective.
Your perspective changed, so looking again, you might see things differently. YOU might need something different in your life that prior to the BD you didn't really put much thought into. At least not consciously.
You really did have a loving, mutually beneficial relationship for a lot of years. So did heather (at least the mutually beneficial part, right?) as did most of us. You didn't dream that. You didn't know what it was like to be hurt and rejected like this by your (ex-)husband. Once you did, you had to have a different perspective on things. So you see things differently and you see different things.
Or put another way, your priorities are different. Hence you filter out the unimportant things (in relation to your priorities) so you don't go mad
Bea's ex (and Job's and a few others) are in an elite class that few get to. I'm hoping mine doesn't get there but it looks like I won't get that for Christmas either. In fact I think she'll bring along a friend by the looks of it.
Which brings me to the other item - the hww. I know exactly what you're saying when you feel like it would be easier if he was with somebody other than hww. Anyone else would do, even if not you. I have had that same feeling in the past with my ex. It was the insult of insults to do what he/she did.
At the time, I suspect it was intended to be just that. An insult. In your case, I don't think ex intends that any longer and likely regrets it at some level and can't cope; he may never or you may not be around to see it. Bea speaks a ton of wisdom when she illustrates the dynamics of the conversation you might have with ex.
The ball is in your court. I don't advise throwing away your past to make yourself feel better. I do, as Heather suggested, think you should be honest about what you had, what you experienced, and keep in mind that you have a different perspective NOW than you did THEN.
And keep doing what works for you to keep your sanity. You don't owe anyone anything, Mighty. Except you.
Later Gator!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
bea- thank you. You are right. I did pretty well this week staying out of things. I didn't ask any questions or inquire at all about the sitch. Until last night, I asked about the test.
I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. So, they way he has taken the convo parts for what he wanted and never completed it, it really bothers me. I have stepped back, but I am trying not to let that part interfere with my attitude. Now, he is taking a step back too. I don't know what that means.
He texted me this morning about p/u d13 from practice. I responded. Then I thought about the (unfinished) convo. I had some things I wanted to say, I could have been smart, snotty, pleading, whatever.. all the things I didn't want to be. I considered not saying anything. Then I thought about it, and I just asked, why haven't you finished the conversation?
He didn't respond. A little while later, I saw I missed his call while I was in the shower, but he was picking up d13 at the time. So I figured if he was calling about the convo, he had about 2 minutes before she'd be in the car. So I didn't call back. He dropped d13 off, and was off on a 1.5 hr car ride to see his dad. I thought he'd call then, but he didn't. In fact, I haven't heard from him at all.
Again, just stepping away. I am without a car today, as s17 is off helping my mom today, and d13 is out of town watching college basketball. I'm staying busy, but honestly, it's not enough. I just can't seem to find what it is that I want to do with myself. Outside of home, that is. I have plenty to do here, but I don't want to be around anyone, really (outside of work). There isn't anything I want to do. And it is so cold out!
Honestly, I don't even want to finish the conversation anymore (just disappointed about how it went down). I am just tired of it. Xh probably feels the same way. That could be why he is not only avoiding it, but avoiding me now. And that's OK (not the avoiding conversation- something that needs to stop), but for him to take care of stuff. He has so many conversations to have, that he is probably sick of it, too.
AJ- It's interesting that you see the ball in my court. I feel that halfway. I think I want to feel that he wants this and would really put effort into this- then I would make a decision. I feel like I want to be the one to decide. I think I fear another rejection. When I really think about it, I guess that if weren't to work out, I would want it to be my call. Isn't that terrible? It's not that I think I don't want it to work out.... but I just don't know what I want- but I do know I don't want to be rejected like that again.
Oh, something else...
The other day, xh and I were talking, and I mentioned that it never would go back to the way it was. He seemed taken aback by this and asked why. I said bc he is not the same, I am not the same, the kids aren't the same, and things have changed. He seemed really down and disappointed to hear this. It's kind of sad. I have seen him try to make everything around here like it was before he left (remember- even paint color!), and talks about how good it was before he left (but he didn't realize it until after he left), and how we had such a good life, a happy life, and we didn't have any real problems in our family (That's an understatement compared to now!). But I don't think it ever crossed his mind that it won't be the same.
You are right, AJ, I can now look back with a different perspective. Some things may and could be the same. Other things can't. And some... need to change.
It's hard finding the balance between being kind and supportive (gently helping him out of the tunnel???), being sure to keep a healthy dynamic (not falling back into old habits which didn't work), boundary setting, and keeping my own emotions in check while dealing with the past, the present, and trying to find my way into the future.
(XH just called and apparently spent the day with his mom and is on his way home- she lives 1.5 hours away near the hospital where his dad is).
Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I feel like a crazy lady! I am sitting in this quiet house, near the cozy fire, yet my mind is like a boomerang. I've got to come up with a plan. A really good plan. Just about myself. How I will handle situations. What I want to be like.
Then I need to go somewhere. There is no possible way to get away right now. But I will figure something out.
So much for "as soon as this baby is born..."
Shining- I looked at plane tickets today- no joke! But they were too much right now. I will keep my eye out. Wouldn't a weekend be fun?
Mighty, I would love it if you could come here!! We could both use some girly GAL time. For SURE. I'm dang fed up and done, man.. I'll set alerts on my end. Also... Do you have the kik app? Ask your kiddos or Google it and search Shining. So, for airports...DFW and Dallas Love Field, both pretty equal distance from me.
Mighty, I think we all appreciate how much is going on, and I suspect no one could keep all of those plates spinning without having problems.
Your focus probably needs to be on getting through each day with authenticity.
The fear of rejection is potent. Your xh is probably also worried about this too. It is part of rebuilding trust - how can you trust this guy to follow through, to do the right thing by you?
How can he be sure that the hurt and resentment can ever be overcome. That is why at some point couples who rebuild need help to refocus.
AJ is right, ultimately it will be your call. Because of your fears of rejection you don't see it that way.
Hang in there and try to relax - Go visit Shining - have some fun.
Look at skiplagged.com for plane tickets. The guy who set this up is being sued by some airlines and cheap ticket sites like orbitz because he found a way to find cheaper flights than they thought were possible.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
. Sending hugs and prayers, and positive everything your way, my dear friend. 