Hi everyone. I was happy to get home yesterday afternoon, had an ok night. H was a great advocate at the hospital and is playing handy man around the house today.
Vanilla, there might have possibly been some purple bed socks involved at the hospital.
rpplf...saw your post on Maybell's thread about your losses and sitch, and how you are maintaining faith that something good lays ahead. It reminded me of an interesting experience I had a few years ago.
In 2011 I went to a friend's cabin on the lake, and we ate up a bag of mushrooms. I hadn't done any hallucinogens since I was 19 and haven't since, but I am not religiously opposed to them in any way. To me a totally different animal than addictive and mood altering chemicals. More just an experience to be had a few times in your life is how I viewed it. Not looking for agreement on this, just my outlook.
So I was peaking out and time slowed down. I was totally at peace, in the moment, and in awe and wonder at the magic and miracle of every moment. At one point time almost stopped. The sun was going down over the lake and I was totally absorbed in that one moment. It was like the entire universe suddenly made sense, like a work of art that moment I was experiencing somehow reflected all the love and beauty in the world. It was absolutely overwhelming.
I wanted to share that experience with my friend, and show him the miracle. But I choked on my words as I realized there was no way I could possible relate what I just experienced. And then the moment started to fade away. I wanted to hold on to it but it was like trying to hold water in your hands, it just leaked away and was gone. I was devastated. Knowing that moment was gone forever, that no one would ever know about that moment, that it could never be shared or revisited...what a loss.
But then a funny thing happen. The NEXT moment came along. And while it was different, I became engrossed in a NEW amazing moment that, while different, was JUST as beautiful and amazing as the one I had just seen.
I knew then that it was ok. That those moments weren't to be captured and put in a zoo. They couldn't even be shared. They were just to experience and appreciate. I looked at my friend and tried to tell him what I had learned and he just nodded and said "yup". We can't explain it. But we call all get it.
Just wanted to share. No matter how hard we try we cannot hold on to those moments as they fade away. But as long as we are here and maybe longer we will have a never ending stream of miraculous moments. Some will be with other people, some will be different that we could've imagined. But they will all be of the highest quality.
All you have to do is sit back and enjoy them. Maybe start with this miraculous moment right here.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus, thanks for the reminder that every moment can contain a miracle. I really do think this is all going to work out to my good. At the moment I have no indications of that, I just choose to believe it
Getting back to the soap opera, H continued with his flirting and booty calls the whole day before surgery, texting me from S's room at midnight asking if I was lonely(actually I was asleep) and even getting a little suggestive the morning of surgery as I was changing in the hospital. But he was a great advocate at the hospital and has been very helpful around the house since. And all flirting has been turned off completely.
If he was showing any affection, touching, hand holding, kind words, anything, along with the suggestiveness I'd take that as a good sign. But as it is, the only way I can take it was a last booty call. Which I ignored.
Having him in the house has been nice, it's great to have the help, to have to co-parent here. But this is not what I want long term. It's comfortable, it's easy, it's reassuring. I could do it for a long time. I did it for a long time. Buy like my comfortable but ultimately unfulfilling job, I think there's something else out there that's better. Beauty for ashes.
I'm glad you are feeling more positive about the job situation too.
Truth is, I should have left this job a while ago. I held on for reasons that I think are still valid but because I really loved my job isn't one of them. I was holding on to good enough for the sake of the rest of the family. Hmmmmm....sounds familiar. I think what pushed the karma bus ( sorry, Maybell, I just loved that!) over the cliff was when I actually said out loud to my former boss that I didn't like working for Current Boss. So as scary as getting a new job is, I can't be too upset that God shoved me in this direction. It was just a harsh and unexpected shove. Why couldn't the window already be open before the door shut?
