And We Danced All Night to the Best Song Ever...

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks UR (I'm thrilled you stopped by), 2B and BK (you are always my peeps!). I appreciate your thoughts. Yes, I figured it was time to acknowledge the elephant in the room. And really, it is all good. Xh is on his path and I'm on mine. Can we be friends again at some point? Perhaps. Everything will transpire as it should.

I'm sure I've stated before that I'm incredibly superstitious so I don't want to hex myself. I feel a strange sense of peace? Perhaps that's not the right word. Maybe it's more acceptance that I'm where I'm supposed to be.... D10 asked me yesterday about marrying her dad. I was honest. I said that I loved her Dad very much and I certainly never considered or anticipated that we would no be together until death. I told her that things do happen for a reason and sometimes we don't always understand at the time....and sometimes we never fully understand. She said that her dad is so different than he used to be and I did agree. And I said, I'm not the same either. Hopefully, we are always evolving and learning. I can't say xh is and well, if I'm supposed to know, I will find out one day.

I know crazy will pop back up and I will with through it.

[Georgiabelle]

The crazy train came up full force last night and is still bubbling under. I had felt really good for a few weeks and weathered some potential hot buttons. And BOOM! That caca blew right up on me yesterday. I just shut down and cuddled with s4.

Some days, I feel like there is a very deep issue of control/sexuality for me. It's like I switched out the ED for sexuality-not actually having sex, but the overall insatiable desire to be wanted and in control. I know we all want to ve sees ores. I want to be wanted and totally in control as to how that pans out. It's ridiculous because I must let go and let things transpire. I so very very very much struggle with this. I am crying as I type that. Ugh! $&@?!!!!! Men are triggers for me-at least ones I am attracted to in a physical sense. Which is good that there are so very very few I'm attracted to. However, I feel like I am empty when it comes to men. Not that I can't laugh. I'm not even afraid to love or open up again. I just don't feel like doing it. I'm sure that will change one day.

This may sound silly, although I've always been envious of people who seamlessly seem to easily be attracted to people and move from R to R. Isn't that crazy? I realize some of those people can't be alone, however, I always feel like I just don't connect with most people. I guess that's okay. I don't know.

I was teetering on territory with a friend of mine (and there has always been an attraction there) and I just said, "I can't talk to you right now. I just can't." And it's not even a fear of being hurt-hails bells I'm not even invested enough to allow myself to get hurt. I just feel like I sound like a whack job some days and I'm just boring.

Sorry to throw up. Just had to get it out there:-)

[Georgiabelle]

And I'm a blubbering mess tonight. Calgon! Take me away!!!!!!

[kml]

Google "Love Avoidant" and see if any of this seems familiar?

What is Love Avoidance?

Love avoidance is the systematic putting up of walls in a relationship to prevent feeling emotionally overwhelmed by another person. Consequently, it prevents true intimacy. It can be described as a form of emotional anorexia. The love avoidant perceives love as being an obligation or duty, so relationships are experienced as an emotional drain. The love avoidant tends to become involved with love addicts, and puts up walls to decrease the intensity within the relationship. However, the more the avoidant distances, the more the love addict pursues. The avoidant often responds by a pattern of deprivation within the primary relationship, while acting in ways that create intensity outside of that relationship (e.g., work, pursuing other relationships or sexual encounters, addictions, etc.). At the more extreme range of love avoidance, the love avoidant may also be intimacy anorexic.

Am I a Love Avoidant?

This questionnaire is based on the work of Pia Mellody. If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, love avoidance may be a problem for you.

You think taking care of your partner is sufficient proof that you love him or her.
You find yourself often critical of your partner.
You believe it is your duty to take care of your partner.
You have a secret life away from your partner.
You keep important information about your thoughts or feelings from your partner.
You withhold information about yourself (at work or play) so that your partner will not get upset.
You find yourself needing to manage and be in control of the relationship.
You have frequently done things for your partner and then later had the sense that no matter what you did it was never enough for your partner.
You feel frustrated because your partner doesn't understand that you've spent time with him or her and now you need time for yourself.
You feel smothered by your partner when he or she wants to have you around so much.
Your partner complains that he or she doesn't really know you.
You find yourself overly critical of your partner.
You withhold praise or appreciation from your partner.
You feel resentful of your partner's neediness.
You have had one or more relationships in which you felt smothered and needed to escape.
You find yourself needing to control your partner because you know better what should and shouldn't be done.
You control your primary relationship by silence and anger.
When you're with your partner you feel like you're not getting your needs met.
You feel your partner doesn't appreciate all that you do for him or her.
You frequently feel the need to escape the relationship.
You often feel the need to go some place where you can get attention without always having to assure the other person that you love them.
You are spending more time at work in order to be away from you partner.
You stay so busy that you have little to no relational time for your partner.
You feel a sense of relief when you leave the house.
Your drinking, drug use, or other addictive behaviors increase while you are in a primary relationship.
You've had an affair or one-night-stand in order to get away from your relationship, have some fun, and get some attention.
You use porn to escape from the pressure in your relationship.
You withhold sex from your partner.
You have become involved in relationships because you couldn't say "no" or you didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings.
You have stayed in relationships longer than you wanted because you would have felt guilty if you ended it.
Your relationships have often begun with you rescuing your partner from another bad relationship, poor health, financial difficulties, emotional distress, legal problems or some other difficulty.
It is important to you that your partner thinks of you as her 'Knight in Shining Armor' or his 'Wonder Woman.'
As a child, you sometimes thought you were taking care of mom or dad more than they were parenting you.
As a child, you felt like mom or dad was smothering.

[BrightFuture]

OMG, kml, I think this applies to H. I think he would answer 80% of this positively. It just opened my eyes! This is it, H is love avoidant. This explains a lot of things…

GB, I can relate to what you posted here. I am also not easily attracted to people. And right now I feel like there is nobody out there who could possibly capture my heart. I feel that I’m done in terms of finding new love or new R.

[ericmsant2]

Nope. I want a life too.

And you deserve one!

I'm going to give him the opp to actually be a dad.

IMO, you do this ^^^ for the kids. Allow them to form their own opinion about DAD. Your job is to stay out of that R. You can be their to listen and validate the kids…but they need to learn who dad really is. The definition of DAD needs to be determined by the kids – not you. Give them that time and space to figure that out.

I want to be wanted and totally in control as to how that pans out.

Are we ever really in total control? IMO, NOPE – NEVER. It is impossible to control EVERYTHING.

I'm not even afraid to love or open up again. I just don't feel like doing it. I'm sure that will change one day.

For some reason….I do not believe you are not afraid to love or open up again. I think you are. The bigger issue continues to be control, which IMO, is rooted in FEAR.

I also think that at the end of the day….you are really lonely. Yes you have the kids, and yeah you have a job but aside from that…..something is missing.

IMO, the only way to figure out what is missing is to experiment until you find something that works for you.

I also believe that you still are reeling from what I would say are the life lessons you have been TAUGHT i.e. you still see yourself the way you were TAUGHT to see yourself.


GB – change takes TIME…….. you cannot rush this……..

One day…one step at a time….

Maybe…another thing to consider is….are you spending too much f*cking time in YOUR head. Are you trying to answer every question about yourself RIGHT NOW. Relax….enjoy life a little. Stop worrying so much.

[Georgiabelle]

Kml- thanks for posting. Bright-hang in there.

Honestly, a lot of that sounds like me. I did not have to be the "parent" as a kid, although I did have to behave "like an adult" around age 11. That's when I started earning money with various jobs and feeling like I had to be in charge.

Interesting. I did google love avoidant and I do have intimacy issues. I don't feeling I had them in my first R, however, I feel like they came about later as I felt so hurt. I thought there must be something wrong with me. I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't pretty enough. My family wasn't "good" enough. And I certainly attract men who are very sensitive snd passionate until.......they get upset I'm so "closed off."

[Georgiabelle]

Eric,

I love you. I do:). You touched on so many things that are 100% accurate. I swear, if you peeps met me IRL I would have you in stitches. That's not arrogance-it's true. Trust me:-) I just feel crazy and out of control. I know it takes time. I need to get my head together. I am a pensive one. I can't get out of my own f$&king head. Literally.

You know what? I just want sex. I was never sexually attracted to my xh. I thought he was cute but I never respected him. God. Yes I'm admitting this. I want down and dirty sex. I want someone to want me and not blame me for their ED. (Maybe I was the cause. I don't really know). I want someone to take charge. And after having very little sex for the last 11 years, I want it. I think it's control. I know I can't control everything in my logical mind, however I just want to push every sexual boundary I have ever established in my mind. My mind is very preoccupied with sex. I just want to do it all of the time. I have these very sexually charged exchanges with men. I don't even feel bad. Yet. Maybe that comes later. Maybe it doesn't.

Sorry if that's TMI. I realize there is deeper issue and that's what I want. And I want it now. I hope everyone doesn't think I'm crazy but maybe I am.

[Shining]

GB!!!

Just sitting here wishing I was your type .

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^^

Shining-that made me laugh outloud. :-)