W starts in about it, how she is the only responsible one .. I realize its day 2 of her cycle and she is obviously looking for a fight. She spews here and there, I let her know I have been involved and will continue to help S, I even went further to let her know he and I will be doing his special project Sunday. More spew ... she was getting herself ramped up and started in how I will never change, since I have become Catholic her life is not up to my standards, who she has in her life is her choice, and she will not live her life under my control .. even called me a tyrant ... and finally brought up the D again.
The further that you move through this process, and the more grounded that you become. The more that you will see the confusion and the indecision that surrounds her.
When you can stop reacting, you will see the inner turmoil inside of her.
The more that you move away from crazy, the more crazy will attempt to seek you out...
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I am actually at peace with this ... end of the day I did all I could do to save my M, I think I got hung up on what I thought God wants ... I realize I can not read His mind either .... I gave this to Him long ago and still have faith He has a better plan for me, still open to see what that is and where this leads me to be honest. I have made some amazing changes in my life and continue to grow. I am excited to see where this will lead me.
Like 3bears said above....
Live this....
Make them NOT be just more words....
Originally Posted By: LiveNow
So, Jack, when exactly does the fat lady sing, when the divorce is final? Different in every situation?
Well, I'm no Jack, but I did drive past a Holiday Inn Express last night....
The fat lady starts warming up when YOU say that she does.
Everybody gets to that point at some time or another. It will ebb and flow. Be done today, and change your mind tomorrow. It is your choice....
Just please remember ( and I think that this makes it way easier), that you aren't standing for your marriage, you are standing for you, and nobody else. You make that choice, and nobody else can ever take away from you, what you learn about yourself. What you are capable of, what your fears are, what you can overcome....
Nobody, ever....
Will be able to look at you and say that you failed.
The fat lady starts warming up when YOU say that she does.
Yup.
Several other times come to mind but thye are mostly extremes.
You die. They die. You are happy in another relationship. They are happy in another relationship...and those relationship ones? pffpt, we are proof that not all relationships last till death do us part, am I right?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Cali I'm sending you a big ole hug! I feel you, I'm there living it too. I kept thinking and hoping that time would lead my H to soften and change his mind. It didn't. My D will probably be final in the next month. And I will be Ok. And you will be ok. It's a piece of paper that only confirms what's already happened.
Like me I think you are the type of person that can't imagine totally closing the door ever. I think that's totally ok. And if/when we find a new relationship that we realize is a good one and we are ready to make the jump- then the door gets boarded up.
Keep focusing on you and S- God has big plans for you!
Oh and I looove the new thread title!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thank you everyone for your support and words of wisdom ... have not really been on in what seems like a week, just found myself busy ... ya know that whole GAL thing.
So ... observations ... after W last brought up the mediation, seems like she flipped a switch and is ultra happy all the sudden. I could go into a mind-reading session here I suppose but I wont ... I'm guessing its relieved pressure she felt, and maybe it has lifted some guilt too ... I don't know but there is a change as far as her mood that is for sure, at first I was not really effected but to be honest it really kinda bugged me last night and I am not sure why ... still processing it myself and know I need to get out of her head aswell as out of my own .. so I tried to just get through all that this morning and finally feel I am back to center. I suppose its just a process I need to get through, the fact she is not spewing at me is better than the alternative.
Friday I went out with a friend to dinner, was nice to catch up. After I did my gig, woke up early Saturday morning and met W and S at her work so we could do bloodwork for the medical insurance. That actually went well, she took me to her office and showed me her view and where she did her day to day grind. She had pics of S and some of his artwork posted. After she suggested breakfast, I agreed .... was a nice meal, pretty detached honestly. She did ask where I went to dinner Friday night, asked with who ... I was vague ... found it interesting she was concerned with what I was doing but other than that was nothing more than a shoulder shrug. After ... since it was her day with S, she took him to baseball tryouts, I honestly wanted to go ... missing the family thing, but I needed to do my own thing for me. Besides ... its a lot of waiting so I decided to opt out and went home, took a shower, got on the Harley and rode to the theater to see American Sniper. Enjoyed the day Sunday I picked up S ... he wanted to go to church with me (W actually offered to take him) So off we went, was a great mass .. one of those where the message was just for me kinda things. Talked about trusting God in what he has planned for you, and staying on your own path and not worrying about what His plans are for others who may seem lost ... yeah .. almost a goose-bump moment. After mass , S and I did lunch and then went and shopped around for his Albert Einstein costume, actually had alot of fun getting it all together and should be a riot when I dress him up in it for tomorrows presentation he has to make. Dropped him off with W this morning, he gave me his trademark bear hug ... little can replace those .. I was not Mr PMA this morning, I had been doing pretty well but just seemed to be a little low and not sure why ... better now .. but man when those funk times hit ya out of nowhere they are kinda tough.
Softball and Football start for me soon, the GAL calendar is filling up nicely ... I have to weed through potential new employees today ... but hope to sneak in some apartment hunting time. Work has been pretty busy thankfully ... I do find I don't spend as much time reading up on MLC and obsessing, letting her go has not been easy and I honestly am not sure I have done it completely .. I know I haven't .. this too will take time I am certain, but I am also not clutching onto that rope as tightly as I once was. Good days and Bad days ... all to be expected I think.
The feelings and non-attachment stuff has cycles, seems they get shorter, less intense and farther in-between as time goes...
You are doing very well Luke, give yourself a good dose of credit
Thanks TS
Yeah I notice I do not get nearly as "intense" nor for as long ... but still I find myself conflicted at times .. holding on to something that is just not there, and letting go looking towards what will be. I laughed during my morning walk at myself at the thought of I was happier when I was miserably married. Oh the irony.
I would imagine you had a little expectation after the mediation convo even if you didnt realize it.
That coupled with the fact that who really wants to hear that, led to your icky feeling.
These feelings will continue to be less intense as time goes on and you continue to detach.
You are doing great...:)
I'm trying ... however I have noticed something ... I actually get a bit happy when I hear she is down/miserable ... she TM earlier about S and me letting him watch something admittedly not all appropriate on TV, was not terrible but I did have reservations ... anyways it appears kiddo is on a sugar rush and driving her crazy giving her a migraine, she wanted me to leave work and pick him up. I let her know I had meetings all day and would arrive at the agreed upon time as scheduled ... in a strange way I want her to do the work she needs and when she is all happy and giddy I know she is running from it ... when she is down I feel like .. ok .. maybe she is working on it.
I know .. hold the 2 X 4's about being in her head to much.... but I am being honest ... and it lead me to another place, in general, at work, out and about .. when people are stressed/unhappy it seems to make me happy ... maybe that's the fixer in me, something for me to work on I think.
You know, Luke...I like you. You really are so honest about what you're feeling. Very important to do on here...well, everywhere really.
So, no 2 x 4's ? You arent letting me have any fun. LOL!
Really, I think you know it doesnt serve you well to be happy when someone else isnt. Not only because you cant fix everyone, but, also because you dont want to be that person, right?
I would think that you want your w to be whole one day, to figure herself out and find her way, even if that meant that it wasnt with you. That's the Luke I have come to know, even if you dont feel that all the time.
I just wanted say something about being a fixer. I know that it may seem like she changed the rules. When I was first married, I liked that my h took care of me. I had come from a difficult family and it was nice when he would make me feel loved.
Over time, though, as I grew, it started to bother me. It seemed like he was feeling as if I wasnt capable. I realized I wanted a partner. Someone who would work with me to figure things out. It seemed to me like he swooped in and fixed stuff without regard to whether I needed that.
I know his heart was in the right place. At least I hoped it was. But I began to feel more and more like he just didnt respect me, like he thought I couldnt handle things and it made me feel really small.
I would imagine it was a hard thing for him to figure out how it made me feel as I didnt express it, but, over time it really diminshed me and how I felt about myself.
I wanted him to work with me to find a solution because he respected my opinion and my abilities. The taking care of me part that I enjoyed was the little things that he would do to make me feel special and not him taking over and fixing situations and things that I was capable of doing.
The more I would try to handle things, the less control he felt he had. So, he took more and more control with things, and as a result, I lost me.
