I'm not sure if your wife is actually in an MLC. Sounds more like an EA which could also possibly be a PA. Don't under estimate the great lengths they will go to hide/deny any of this is happening.
I have to agree with Starsky's post. I'm not sure why your still initiating physical contact when she has repeatedly said she wants to leave. You previously said that not hugging her back etc would be fake on your part. It is not fake to say to yourself.. I know she is looking for emotional/comfort but, I need to refrain from initiating because I am just a bandaid for whatever it is she is going through.
You need to detach. There is a great post by unworthy about detaching on the newcomers board (I am on my iPad and I'm a little challenged at navigating between different pages). Detaching doesn't mean going along with her ride and letting her determine which course you take. It's about letting go and finding your own path which may or may not lead up with hers.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I have detatched (and still am OK with the sitch) and have not shown or reciprecated affection before and the relationship goes downhill...she states "I see that you are turning the page, so this is how it is going to be now, see, I told you you would end up resenting me." Then she stops talking altogether...
Michelle states to try somthing for a week or two and monitor the results...this did not seem to work.
I am unsure on how to proceed other than this. Agreed more of the same is not a plan.
How is your M working, what did you employ that turned it around?
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
I have detatched (and still am OK with the sitch) and have not shown or reciprecated affection before and the relationship goes downhill...she states "I see that you are turning the page, so this is how it is going to be now, see, I told you you would end up resenting me." Then she stops talking altogether...
Michelle states to try somthing for a week or two and monitor the results...this did not seem to work.
You make the common newbie mistake of defining "work" by "she's being nice to me." Instead, you should do things that result in her making demonstrable moves away from OM and back towards your marriage.
Your wife knows that all she needs to do at the first sign of you standing up to her is say "see? you're being MEAN again!" and you'll come running back to her, demanding nothing from her.
My wife and I have been happily reconciled since 2008. I'll try to link to my old sitch later; you'll see what I did was VERY different to what you've been trying so far.
I still do not know if there is a OM but I have not initiated any contact for the last two nights and have not talked about the R or her plans for the last 3 to 4. She has reached out to me for the last two mornings and I have held her. I know the 80% rule but does that mean reject her 20% of the time?
Things seem good at home not discussing the R by the way...
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
I have not talked about the R or tried to show affection for the last week or so and things have gotten worse. W has stated she hates me and that I am demeaning to her (she stated that she did not mean it the next day when sober). W hugged OM at event infront of me after I set up bounderies regarding this. This led to a argument that night. Her nor I want to leave the home or break up the fam. Kids are important to us. I continue to try to detatch and gal but is difficult with all of this. I will continue to detatch and gal and lean on you, my fam, and my kids while she decides.
I don't know how much more I have left.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
I'm not sure where you are in all this... You mentioned she crossed some boundaries about her hugging OM.. What was the consequence of her action? I'm not saying you should have done something, I'm just trying to clarify where you're at.
It is incredibly hard to detach and GAL when the crazy resides under the same roof. But it is still possible to detach.. And maybe even going dark. I'm sorry... There's no magically answer to make it better. I just want you to know that although you may not think so today but.. It is possible to be happy again.
Try and let go of the hope and expectations and focus on what you want your life to look like. What can you change today? It doesn't have to be something big.. Maybe it's something simple like updating your wardrobe.. Something,, anything..
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I did, I have told her in the past if she continued with him that I would not tolerate it. After it happened I stated that if that is what she wants then I am not stopping her. She states that he is only a friend and although my gut tells me otherwise, I want to believe she is honest. Too many things don't make sence in my head regarding it though...although it does not matter at this point.
She has looked into a furnished appartment. Doesn't want anything in the house and wants to split time with kids. Finances to be determined I imagine she wants to move out this weekend. I told her that I would like the kids to have time to process it and not tell them and have her leave in the same day. Our S b-day is also in a week. She said "how can we tell them and still sleep in the same bed while they know that I am leaving" I guess she has a point. They are going to be devistated.
She states that this is the only way that she will find clarity. I do not have much hope if she moves out. She continues to deny the OM and I guess it does not matter at this point. She knows who I am and how good we can be if she allows it. she states that the problem is not with me and that it is something that she needs to work through. She also states that she does not see us together in the future, does not like being intimate with me, and that we are not good together. Yea that is painful
I know, keep the road paved...keep the light on...don't do anything that will complicate the future...GAL...Detatch...will try guys.
She also wants a legal seperation agreement and I think we can hash it out ourselves and then have it stamped.
Starsky / Monza- what should I do?
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
