Riding the rollercoaster

[Sotto]

I second that from Card 29. 25yearsmlc put in a big effort with a hugely helpful post - and you just don't seem to want to hear it. Talk to us Dawgy. Why are you struggling to take good advice on board? We're all here to try and help my friend...

[dawgy]

Well in my defense ive eaten alot of shait during this last year and forgive me if i sound pissed off .I was very willing to save my marriage for along time but she pushed me too far, now i dont know what i want . Dawgy

[Sotto]

Hi Dawgy - you're not alone on that front! Many of us have eated our fair share as you know. I understand your anger, and that your W has pushed things.

You may decide not to save your M - but this is about you - about learning from what has happened, dealing with your anger and taking the responsibility that is yours. There will be some - none of us are perfect spouses.

You just seem to want to push things onto your W. But think about shifting your focus onto things you can control - you. What sort of man do you want to be - with our without W. What kind of relationship do you want with your sons? Look for the joy in your life, apart from what your W is doing - and focus on that.

You can do this Dawgy! Can you write a post and list ten things you are thankful for today? That might be a good place to start?

[Sotto]

Hi Dawgy, it's your DB friend Toots bugging you again...I slept on things and realised I also wanted to comment on how I read what you have written.

"Well in my defence" (defensive) ive eaten alot of shait (victim) during this last year and forgive me if i sound pissed off (angry) .I was very willing to save my marriage for along time but she pushed me too far (blaming), now i dont know what i want .

So, my question Dawgy is - whatever your W may have done....do you want to be a defensive victim who is angry and blames others for what has gone wrong in his life? That's how your two sentence post reads to me.

I hope this isn't too harsh, and I really mean well Dawgy..

[dawgy]

You know what ?? I do get it . i do understand that Im half to blame for the demise of my marriage Ive never said I wasnt .Ive even told the W that fact . However I really cannot accept any kind of responsibilty for what shes done . Shes , lied , cheated , stole , abused ,hmmm what else ? Anyway whatever . She coulda left if she was unhappy . She didnt need to be a cheater .
Im alittle confused about this whole Divorce Busting anyway . I mean alot if not all posts to me seem to be directing blame onto the LBS . I simply cant accept that .If she hadnt have had the affair we would still be together and we could have exhausted all avenues before seperating . But oh no , she done it the evil way and i cant get past that . Sorry I believe Ive tried . For over a year . Im about me and my sons now . She will have to face the music . I pity her . I gave her a chance to save our family but she just played on my fear . Im done . Dawgy

[Tarheel]

Im alittle confused about this whole Divorce Busting anyway . I mean alot if not all posts to me seem to be directing blame onto the LBS . I simply cant accept that .If she hadnt have had the affair we would still be together and we could have exhausted all avenues before seperating .

Dawgy, I think you're misinterpreting it. The point that so many are trying to get across to you is that you can only change YOU. I understand your feelings of hurt and anger- we've all been there. But eventually I got to a point where I realized that W is her own person. She makes her own decisions. She has to live with those decisions and it's not my 'job' to tell her that the decision was right or wrong. I'm very similar to you in that I like to be in control. It's been difficult for me to let W go and live her own life, make her own choices. All I can do is continue to work on myself and become a better person. I promise that if you keep the focus on yourself and letting go of W's decision making, eventually it gets easier.

But oh no , she done it the evil way and i cant get past that . Sorry I believe Ive tried . For over a year . Im about me and my sons now . She will have to face the music . I pity her . I gave her a chance to save our family but she just played on my fear . Im done . Dawgy

Not your 'job' to judge her and her actions, but if you've decided you can't get past them, go ahead and file for D. But make sure that's really what you want and that you're not just speaking from a place of anger.

[dawgy]

Yes I believe I want a Divorce now . She obviously doesnt love me anymore otherwise she would never commit such unspeakable acts of disrespect and to continue to do so after being given a chance to save us . She only cares about her . She says she cares about her children but thats a lie too.Otherwise whywould she risk their happiness just to satisfy her own selfish indulgements . She even cares about the boyfriend more than her own flesh and blood . Lies , lies . lies Anyway whether I didnt employ the strategies of Dbing properly or whatever happened its divorce time for me . At least I can look at myself in the mirror and say I tried to save my family with every bit of heart I had left after she ripped it out . She wont be able to do the same . I dont see where she tried to save our family in the least but she only took advantage of my fear of her leaving . As far as her boyfriend goes , I dont know whether shes seeing him or not anymore . It doesnt really matter . Hes a piece of shait for having an affair with a married woman. I wish him all the worst . lol Dawgy

[HeavyD]

I feel your pain Dawgy. I just don't see how they can look at themselves in the mirror and sleep at night.

I filed for legal separation which is a not quite divorce. The process is the same, you divide up assets and debts but it's not a divorce. It gives you time to think. If you still want to divorce, it's a small step. It also gives you time to talk things through more calmly.

I am in the same boat. My wife wants us to be friends. Dont see that happening. I wish her the worst for blowing up our family.
Sorry but that is how I feel today.

[Hoju]

Ouch Dawgy I feel your pain, what your W did was wrong and there is no excuse for it. However, maybe just for a bit try to put yourself in her shoes, I know it's hard and I was unable to do it until I lived it under different circumstances.

I recently applied for a new job and got hired, the pay is better then my current job and the location closer to home. When I went quit my boss immediately booked a conference room to have my exit interview, he proceeded to beg me to stay offering a more competitive salary, more vacation and saying they would find someone to help offload my work. He claimed he had no idea I was unhappy to the point of leaving. I just sat there listening dumb founded, I've been telling him for years I was over worked and under appreciated. Now even though I'm being offered everything I've wanted for the last few years I still want to leave. They've abused me long enough and it's time for them to pay for it. I'm scared, I'm upset and I'm nervous, what if this is a huge mistake and the new place doesn't work out? What if it's worse then my current job? I remember thinking to myself while being escorted out of the building this must be exactly how my WAW felt.

Maybe this helps you relate, maybe you can think of something similar in your own life where you've been where she is. Your W doesn't want to hurt you, she didn't go into your M hopeing it would fail. She's felt abandoned for years and you've ignored all of her cries for help. Only now that she has a real chance to be happy and is truely moving on is when you want to listen.

I don't mean for any of this to sound harsh as it applies 100% to me as well. If you're done it's ok, if you want to leave the door open a crack for her to come home that's ok to. What you do need to do is take ownership for your mistakes, understand where your W is coming from and forgive her. This hate will only destroy any future you two have of being successful co-parents to your sons.

[dawgy]

Thanks people for the comments . It has given me a lot to think about for sure . Legal separation is the way I will go . It sounds better and makes better sense . I m thankful that I found this forum . Its literally been a life saver . Dawgy