IMHO, you should ignore it. By saying anything about his self-deprecating comments you are only acknowledging his feeling sorry/bad about himself. This is not a good cycle.
H should not feel bad about himself to you. You are his W. By constantly going to you and saying how bad he feels he is just associating you with negative things, feeling like he is not good enough.
If you remember, my W has a constant habit of apologizing to me. Not a good thing. 90% of the time she doesnt even do anything wrong. I asked DB Coach about this and she said to just ignore her apologies, unless its something serious because I am only encouraging W to keep apologizing to me, making her feel like she is always doing something wrong. Obviously not a good habit.
Slight difference in the 2 sitch's, but your H is already depressed. Why fuel his depression by acknowleding his self-deprecating comments? By ignoring it, unless its something legitimate, he may stop all the negativity. Just my 2 cents
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Force of will, controlling the outcome, pretty much the same.
I'm struggling with this today. By wanting or having hopes that it will work - is that forcing my will or controlling the outcome? I'm not fully understanding what you mean.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I have been in similar situations where my H will often say things like, "I feel like a dirtbag" or "I feel like a bad person". And I too, didn't feel like validating these feelings was the right choice. I would ask him why he felt that way and he would give me very generic answers like, "Just everything." Well that's helpful, ha!
I chose to tell H that I thought he was the best person I had ever known (speaking in past tense, of course ) and was told that while I shouldn't validate him feeling like a dirtbag, I also should compliment him either.
I like your approach of just asking "Why?" Maybe don't say much when he says things like this. Next time I hear this, if ever, I plan on being pretty silent. I believe the H's are using self-pity as a way to try and alleviate their guilt. If they acknowledge that their "horrible" maybe it makes it less horrible. Idk, just a thought!
Hang in there. (hugs)
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
There is a load of stuff going on with the self deprecating comment stuff and its different for everyone. for a lot of people its just habit which started as false modesty maybe based on a fear of seeming arrogant (which itself might be a fear of rejection)
A while back there was a discussion on my thread and i posted this in a different context.
Its possible that its a passive aggressive ploy to play some kind of victim card. Though in most cases i doubt it is depending on their self image
I suspect that its much more likely that
'I'm sorry I didn't do x, I'm a bad person/husband'
Translates as
'I'm such an awful person and i dont know why everything i do goes wrong and hurts people, i must be really awful and at least that is something we can all agree on'
It may be nothing of the sort, just thought i'd chip in a viewpoint
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Force of will, controlling the outcome, pretty much the same.
I'm struggling with this today. By wanting or having hopes that it will work - is that forcing my will or controlling the outcome? I'm not fully understanding what you mean.
Hope is tricky because we often hope for something very specific so it's full of expectations. If you hope for what's best for both you and H, then hope can be good. It can get you through the tough times.
Not controlling outcomes gives everyone the freedom to be who they are. It breaks the co-dependency. Re-read the livestrong page on detachment.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've been think a lot on what everyone has said the last couple of days. I appreciate everyone who has jumped in and provided thoughts and feedback. I'm churning a lot around in my head. Working a few things out before I post thoughts.
I kind of had a lightbulb moment earlier tonight. Clearing out emails and found one from my H while we were in negotiations for the House I ultimately gave up. I had written a letter to the sellers explaining my history to the house (being my childhood home) and why we were offering what we were offering. I sent it to my H for feedback. And he responded saying it was beautifully written and expressed to the sellers how much WE loved the house and how WE want to make it our forever home. (Those of you not familiar with my sitch, H bomb dropped me two weeks before closing on the house and one of the things he said was he never wanted to buy the house, he only went along with it because it was my dream and not his. To put it kindly.)
And I alternated between seething rage and wanting to sob hysterically on the floor. I'll be honest, my first reaction? I wanted to forward the email to my H and then call him and express my anger of the situation. Express my hurt. I wanted to be heard.
But I took a step back and thought, "well, what the hell is that going to accomplish?" It doesn't bring the house back. My H wouldn't have the conversation and go, "I'm magically fixed I'm coming home!" I thought about it some more (applying my 180 here, STFU and think before you react). And I realized, I'm so quick to express my anger, that in the past I very rarely processed past the anger. I didn't probe the hurt hidden within the anger, I was too busy expressing it. I think I've really deprived myself of some life lessons by not STFU and thinking and digging about why I was angry.
In the end, I'm choosing to think about it. Dig deeper into why I'm angry about the situation right now. Here's a guess, it goes deeper than being upset about giving up a dream.
I guess, in a way, there's a lot more to us than we think. Then we care to look. Especially during "the good times.". It's just a shame that most of us get there/here the way we do.
TL/DR: Calibri applies her 180 and learns a bit about herself.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Thanks a lot for the update, Calibri. I'm really interested in your sitch. I identify with your personality and that of your H sometimes, so I look forward to see how you two deal with the S. When it comes to taking a step back before expressing your feelings, I admit that it's something I'd like my W to learn... It was a big problem that she'd never miss an opportunity to share her thoughts and emotions, regardless of timing and context. Often, it meant I wasn't hearing her because I wasn't mentally available.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
) and was told that while I shouldn't validate him feeling like a dirtbag, I also should compliment him either.