Strong EA after 2 years of marriage. Need advice.

[Complex]

Michelle has an excellent writing style and great perspective.
Although of course not all the things apply to my own marriage but I just finished the "Marriage Map" of Chapter 1 and I had to LAUGH!
Stage 1-3 were just like written like it was my own marriage.

Instant conclusion: If my W does not get to the understanding of the works of a marriage, how am I going to tell her? I JUST CAN'T - she needs to figure this out herself, while I can only be the "secret teacher" (by secret teacher I mean I can only act for myself and hope that it will somehow, one day get through and open her heart again)!

[Complex]

After being through half the book almost and also part of Chapter 10 there is a big question/reflection arising:

TIME LINE OF S:
Me and my wife went on a trial separation after BD (as suggested from her), it didn't last long, I begged etc. and she gave our marriage a 'chance' which wasn't really one because we did NOT AT ALL actively work on our marriage. She just tried to get her feelings sorted out with OM apparently.
She dropped contact to OM but her feelings didn't seem to go away. All supported by D friend.

I pushed her further away by not applying DB techniques, making mistakes, being still completely dependent from her.
Back then tho she had a decent amount of affection for me, I could tell. She was in the limbo.

Then we decided to call it quits, I agreed because I had more knowledge and knew I had to let it go. That opened the door for OM feelings. They started flirting, standard script, even talking about her marriage and me. As if she was just waiting for it.

I come back from vacation with a whole different attitude, being away helped a lot. Her EA very strong by then but I found out, it blew up. Now I am in the limbo^^


If I look at it I get why she turned more and more away from me although I did give her the space and I wasn't overly begging or so. I wasn't overly smart about everything but not terrible either.
NOW that I know OM was involved all along my WHOLE SIGHT changed.
ALL her actions make sense now. But I came to the understanding there was basically NOTHING I could've done, because I plainly didn't know how much OM was in the picture.

Quote WIFE:

If you love someone, let them go, if they don't come back they were never yours. If they do they can be happily ever after

How can I even believe ANYTHING she said along the S process???
What is W's thought process of doing what's she is doing and what she has done? It must be pure guilt!?

First DR made so much sense. No I am more confused than ever. I think I really need specific advice on my case and get some counseling. I wish I could afford to get some sessions with Michelle, she seems to be awesome

[Complex]

I really need hands on advice, so how does this look like:

I KNOW I HAVE TO
a) detach more
b) continue GAL
d) stop saying things that I say exactly the opposite way later on (might be a communication problem, since I am German, but she ALWAYS complained about it)
e) just shutting up more in general, less talking more action
f) stop controlling her
g) if I say something, follow through and be as clear as possible with what I say (very hard part on my side, always had problems to make myself very clear, I just think too much)
h) be positive at ALL TIMES (at least when she is around)
i) leave her alone with her thought for now, she has to process things herself too

Short term goals:
a) that she gets more curious about what I am doing and why I am in such a good state of mind
b) that she starts telling me about work again, she usually does all the time, she didn't in a few days
c) that she gains my trust back telling me things she wouldn't tell everyone
d) NO discussions about D or R or whatsoever for two weeks, and if so, only if SHE starts and no arguments, only positive thoughts, no convincing

[Complex]

Is it actually ok to let my W know that she lost a lot of respect and all trust or should I just let it go and not even mention it?
She wants to be my friend, but I trust my friends, so she can't be my friend.

I definitely found myself in the "last resort" category. But I guess pretty much everyone in here finds himself in there.
Have to continue reading, hope there's some more good readings about the 'hopeless' cases

[Starsky309]

C,

Why are you do hell-bent on TELLING your wife things? You've been advised multiple times about this, but you seem to not be listening.

ACTIONS, not WORDS. Grand Pronouncements don't work.

Starsky

[Complex]

Thanks for advising me.

I catch myself over and over. That's why I'll apply the 180 technique. Ill try to do the exact opposite of what I want to do (unless completely unreasonable) and try to track if it changes anything.
No more talking ..

[bdub]

The books specifically say do not believe a word you hear and only half what you see.
I am not sure how much time you have spent on this board but I will tell you this: Starsky knows what he is doing. Lean on him. Listen to him.
Scrape up all the loose change you can find and get a DB coaching session.

[Complex]

Bdub did you do telephone coaching? How many sessions?
How did it help you different than the book?
Thanks

I for sure need some help, I never was at the point where I couldnt get my life started again at all. I'm completely dysfunctional since Monday...

[DaddyLongShanks]

After being through half the book almost and also part of Chapter 10 there is a big question/reflection arising:

TIME LINE OF S:
Me and my wife went on a trial separation after BD (as suggested from her), it didn't last long, I begged etc. and she gave our marriage a 'chance' which wasn't really one because we did NOT AT ALL actively work on our marriage. She just tried to get her feelings sorted out with OM apparently.
She dropped contact to OM but her feelings didn't seem to go away. All supported by D friend.

I pushed her further away by not applying DB techniques, making mistakes, being still completely dependent from her.
Back then tho she had a decent amount of affection for me, I could tell. She was in the limbo.

Then we decided to call it quits, I agreed because I had more knowledge and knew I had to let it go. That opened the door for OM feelings. They started flirting, standard script, even talking about her marriage and me. As if she was just waiting for it.

I come back from vacation with a whole different attitude, being away helped a lot. Her EA very strong by then but I found out, it blew up. Now I am in the limbo^^


If I look at it I get why she turned more and more away from me although I did give her the space and I wasn't overly begging or so. I wasn't overly smart about everything but not terrible either.
NOW that I know OM was involved all along my WHOLE SIGHT changed.
ALL her actions make sense now. But I came to the understanding there was basically NOTHING I could've done, because I plainly didn't know how much OM was in the picture.

Quote WIFE:

If you love someone, let them go, if they don't come back they were never yours. If they do they can be happily ever after

How can I even believe ANYTHING she said along the S process???
What is W's thought process of doing what's she is doing and what she has done? It must be pure guilt!?

First DR made so much sense. No I am more confused than ever. I think I really need specific advice on my case and get some counseling. I wish I could afford to get some sessions with Michelle, she seems to be awesome

If this was just a "girlfriend". How would you survive if you where the fake boyfriend, you know was with her all the time, you support and makes sure she's ok. WHat if you where the fake boyfriend, but she had a nother boyfriend who got all the benefits? The one she bared her soul to, that she respected. He wasn't around all the time, but she was persuing him often. He might have even had other women...

But you were in the picture as old mr reliable. She knew she could always count on you. That you'd love her no matter what she did and it made her feel safe and secure while she played around with others.

How would you talk to someone like this other than leaving? What could you say? They looked into your face and lied for a very long time.

Would you try to impress this "girlfriend"? Would you do a whole bunch of things in attempt to catch her attention? Or would you leave after finding you were bamboozled?

Spend some time in the situation you are in now with things that will benefit you and only you. Perhaps it never was truly your wife. Setup your 180 so that she is causing you minimal distraction.

[Complex]

So I don't believe what she's saying anymore that's for sure. Big trust issues.
But I'm not sure how to act if I find out she lied to me again and again?
Should I even confront her at all? That would kind of work against my plan right now...!?