Strong EA after 2 years of marriage. Need advice.

[Complex]

You need to get the book DR and read it pronto. It will make so much sense once you do.

The first chapters are on this forum. If I knew how to create a link I would. Find this and read it.

Sitting on the couch waiting for the post man
Old fashioned Copy-paste from the browser works too!

[DaddyLongShanks]

Ok, makes sense to stay.

We just had a talk. She kinda started it. I don't know if I messed up a bit. Her best friend (divorced) saw me on tinder and my W confronted me with it, saying its a double standard. I didn't even really use it, just wanted to mess around.

We somehow ended up talking about our marriage. She assured me OM is not the reason why she is leaving, but we all know better it played a big roll. She clearly stated she wants this to be a friendly divorce and be my friend even if I don't want to...same old. I told her things went very wrong, I agreed on we got married to fast. I also said a lot was my fault, that I completely lost myself and wasn't myself anymore. . But then I probably made a mistake telling her that S are always the same and never friendly, even if people tell each other they won't leave the other person out of the blue, that's just how it is. And also that people in marriages have high expectations, that people expect that a marriage is actively worked on if things go wrong. If they don't there will always be bitterness left behind.
She agreed and seemed to really get it and didn't say anything for half a minute and cried. I told her it's fine and that I'm moving on.

But I guess it was a mistake. In the end it'll just confirm her leaving is ok. I regret the discussion. I seemed nervous too, couldn't find words in the end..she probably doesn't believe me.
Man I screwed up ://// bad start in the day.
I am hanging on to her way too much still. When she's around I get nervous.
I love her like crazy still. I need to detach more big time. This is going to be harder than I ever thought. I don't know how to really get over myself. Huge throwback

Wonder if when I start 'dating' or at least play mysterious that it will make her justify getting closer to OM!?

Sometimes in relationships you have to "pull back" and allow them to pursue. A guy had a problem with his wife, and he was always having to engage her and over time her interest declined.... She felt like he was always "taking" something. So he pulls back, does not beg, ask, initiate, grovel, etc. Does his own thing, and she comes to him.

Just pull back, you probably are done here, but you have to pull back into yourself anyway. You see how you got her interest with your tinder account? Some of that stuff works.

Just have fun with your life. Take care of yourself.

[Complex]

I also read Mozzas post multiple time to hammer it in my brain. NO MORE TALKING. I told myself that multiple times. And I ALWAYS catch myself wanting to talk. I was always like that tho. I HAVE TO MAKE A 180.
This is it. I'm mad at myself. But guess I'm human after all and real change is very difficult. I do steps baby steps. Not enough. I have to make big steps, and baby steps in my M might/will follow.

My security is on the line big time too. She's the provider, I'm on a greencard. Not much income, house debt, car debt, cheap health insurance through her job, I need to get out of this. I think I made a decision regarding a job. I'll go back to college and become a teacher. I always wanted that and I left college in Germany for her. I have a job with opportunities right now, helping an entrepreneur, I will continue to help him bc I am commited but I'll go get a degree now. Decision made.
Sry if I bother you with my life details. But I'm so mad at myself making all these mistakes. I slacked so hard. No freaking wonder my wife doesn't want me anymore.
I need to wake up!!!!!!!!!!

[Train]

Here you go, Complex.

Link to first chapters

Go to the main forum list. The third or fourth thing down is "Michele's Books and Tapes," I believe is the title. Click on that, and you'll find threads with the links.

[Mozza]

You're making a lot of beginner's mistakes. You talk too much, you try to control her, you want her to face the consequences, you think you can "convince her", you focus on the OM, etc. Read the first chapters of DR, then read the rest of the book ASAP. Take it seriously: read it with pen and paper and follow the exercises. This is where I gathered the knowledge and strength to do this. If you don't, ask yourself if you're really suffering this much and are willing to put in the effort to DB.

We always say that no single exchange will ruin all your chances, but it's like a sports game: the mistakes add up and then the game is over. Don't become one of those who does the opposite of DB and then come here to confess, hoping it somewhat cancels out. It doesn't. Learn to DB properly.

When you discuss, when you argue with WAW, you give her power. You don't gain it. Imagine someone comes to tell you: "If you do X, I'll send my brother to beat you up." You do X. Are you more afraid if he says "Fine" and turns away, or if he starts arguing with you that you should really have not done X, that it was wrong, etc.?

It's nice that you're making plans to go back to college, but can you make plans to go out tonight for now? Start describing your actions to GAL, become a little mysterious, detach, etc.

[Complex]

Thanks Train, I'll check it out asap.

I'm not only mad at myself but at her too. She is completely playing down that she lied to me big time. She said she told me that there were feelings..that's how she dropped the bomb back then. And then she just "stretched" the truth. And that I think of things that aren't there. And she doesn't trust me that I won't tell her family, and if I do she will hate me forever and she thinks I'll just play "angel" with them and team up with them.

She knows she crossed the line but she doesn't feel that much guilt it feels like. Completely unreasonable and disrespectful again. And me idiot I'm hugging her saying its ok. It's NOT ok. I was weak for a moment.

All script?

She lying all along again. And I feel like I catered her. Now I want to reverse it. I find myself in the same damn loop all the time Am I completely stupid or lacking self control?

[Starsky309]

Complex,

You can't stop her from lying; she's a grown woman. You can only stop her from lying to YOU, for example by putting your hand up, and saying "Stop it. We BOTH know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage," and ending the conversation immediately.

Again, ultimatums vs. BOUNDARIES.


Starsky

[Complex]

I also ordered the boundaries book you suggested.

How many times in my life have I said to myself "I'll do it right this time"? Wayyyy too often. It's a problem. And I thought to myself I was never ever happier than being married to that woman and this time I will do it right. I didn't. Then our marriage failed, and I said the same thing to myself, it's so important to me and I have to DB right. Do I? No.

How am I ever going to get over myself and do a 180, once and for all?

[Complex]

Read through the first chapter/introduction here. Book should be here soon, can't wait. Guess that is what I am going to do all day/night long.

[nit84]

I read the book in like 3 days, then I went back and read it again. I refer back to it sometimes. In fact I need to do that in the near future.

I know you will find it helpful just like we all did.

Starsky, If you get some time could you pop in to my Thread again? I asked a question about something you posted on this thread. Thanks!!