Strong EA after 2 years of marriage. Need advice.

[Complex]

Oh ha ok. I'll do that next time. Thanks for the tip.
She actually did that right when SHE left, for work. She's working nightshifts (nurse).
I never mentioned that. I also think the nightshift kind of killed her mojo this year. I could tell it's hard on her psych and body. Glad she's going back to day shift next week. Hope that'll also get her life back in line a bit more.

Thanks for your replys again guys.

[DaddyLongShanks]

It means to act mysterious. Get out of the house. ASAP if you can. Act like it was planned. Dress nice. Smell nice. Look like a million bucks and don't tell W where you're going. We don't care if you're just driving - or sitting in a park - for an hour. If W asks you where you're going, just smile and say, "Out with friends. I'll be back later."

Don't fool her. Actually go somewhere or participate in event(s) where you should look that nice.

[Complex]

So, back to the LIMBO,

I want to get out of the limbo asap. Book isn't here yet.
I understand and apply my position but I just don't have a script, I don't know what to say.
I do not accept to do any D or whatsoever talking unless OM is out of the picture, or at least NC (which is rather hard, they see each other once or twice a week at work). She basically has to tell him that they can't have any contact anymore.
And she has to be truthful about it and stop lying. How can I even trust her now?
I want this to be between us.
Of course her position is 'D either way' right now, with or without OM.

HOW do I tell her that without making an ultimatum to her??

She obv needs to want that. I need to transform Starkys suggestion of my position into words (without letting her know that I actually want to save the marriage of course)

"Look, I understand that our marriage took a long time to get to where it is, but I'm not willing to work at it or even TALK about it as long as you unilaterally decided to bring a third person into it by having an affair. End your contact with this man, and come back and work on our marriage with me and I think you'll find that I am more than willing to work on any and all issues, including my own."

It feels like she doesn't want to take any responsibilty for her actions, she doesn't do D talk, whatsoever. No one in family knows yet. She doesn't face any consequences yet except of me starting to set boundaries.

[Starsky309]

She's not ready to hear that yet. Her position will be "Are you crazy? Who said anything about me wanting back in to the marriage??!"

You speak now with your ACTIONS. By pulling back; moving on. Be mysterious, busy, interesting.

[Mozza]

I don't know what to say.
I do not accept to do any D or whatsoever talking
And she has to be truthful about it and stop lying.
HOW do I tell her that without making an ultimatum to her??
she doesn't do D talk, whatsoever.

This, right there, is your immediate problem. You want to talk. But you can't talk your way out of something your actions got you into.

You can't control her with words.

You can't control her at all, but especially not with words. This is the one thing you need to understand at the moment. You will only speak with your actions. Have you read what Starsky309 and Train say? Be mysterious, go out, get a life, etc.

The way I see it, you have to send her the signal that you're confident she's making a big mistake and that your life is and will be more interesting anyway. This will make her curious. "Wait a second, why is it that he's not pursuing? I thought I was going for the more interesting option? What does he know that I don't?"

Also, I already told you that she won't be truthful. It's not between the two of you anymore. I'm sure it's a big shock to absorb. I remember sobbing and shaking when I realized that and my own W had to comfort me... Once you stop expecting the truth from her, you'll take a big step forward. Asking for something you won't get is making you look weak.

Another thing: stop hoping for fairness. Yes, she'll come out on top in the short term. You should see my WAW: new job (that I help her get), new younger hotter boyfriend, hot sex I'm sure, free of kids for grow-up activities half the time, no more old R, etc. But the rules of physics still apply to them. OM also has dirty socks, bad breath, boring Wednesdays, etc. It's life that will teach your WAW a lesson. If YOU teach your WAW a lesson, then you're the mean one. If life teaches her the lessons, then she'll know she was wrong. Bite your lips and be patient while life does the rest of the job.

[Complex]

Ok I can't get to old 'talking' habits.

So basically I killed the secret mojo of her EA by finding out. Told her she crossed the line and I won't accept a third person involved in our marriage/problems.
What if she just doesn't stop tho. She told me it got her back to reality and I think she has to feel some consequences now. Maybe I should move out. She should also inform her family. I feel like by just moving on I'm feeding her EA again because she thinks it's ok then. That's how she initially brought EA to the next step, after we decided together that we separate for real.

I probably just have to completely get over myself first. But she HAS to start facing some consequences here to start seeing what she's actually doing, or not?

[nit84]

Don't move out!! She can if she wants. The consequenses will come but we as LBH never know when.

I am presently still waiting for my W to feel consequenses and it has been 19 months.

[bdub]

She does not have to face consequences to anything. She's deep in a fog and can easily justify her actions to anyone. It is not about punishing her or even changing her. It is about becoming a man only a fool could leave and making you a better person. It is her journey and the more you try to influence it, the further she will run away.

The only thing you can control is yourself. Believe me, this was a HUGE issue for me. Took me a long time to learn that one.

If she continues the A the only thing you can really do is set boundaries for yourself. Learn how to set boundaries and practice it. It is a difficult skill to master. research it and learn from others mistakes.

Oh, and don't EVER move out. I went through in house seperation for 13 long weeks. If she wants to S, make her be the one to leave. Every single poster on this site will back me up on that one.
Good luck complex. Read peoples stories on hear and learn from them.

[Complex]

Ok, makes sense to stay.

We just had a talk. She kinda started it. I don't know if I messed up a bit. Her best friend (divorced) saw me on tinder and my W confronted me with it, saying its a double standard. I didn't even really use it, just wanted to mess around.

We somehow ended up talking about our marriage. She assured me OM is not the reason why she is leaving, but we all know better it played a big roll. She clearly stated she wants this to be a friendly divorce and be my friend even if I don't want to...same old. I told her things went very wrong, I agreed on we got married to fast. I also said a lot was my fault, that I completely lost myself and wasn't myself anymore. . But then I probably made a mistake telling her that S are always the same and never friendly, even if people tell each other they won't leave the other person out of the blue, that's just how it is. And also that people in marriages have high expectations, that people expect that a marriage is actively worked on if things go wrong. If they don't there will always be bitterness left behind.
She agreed and seemed to really get it and didn't say anything for half a minute and cried. I told her it's fine and that I'm moving on.

But I guess it was a mistake. In the end it'll just confirm her leaving is ok. I regret the discussion. I seemed nervous too, couldn't find words in the end..she probably doesn't believe me.
Man I screwed up ://// bad start in the day.
I am hanging on to her way too much still. When she's around I get nervous.
I love her like crazy still. I need to detach more big time. This is going to be harder than I ever thought. I don't know how to really get over myself. Huge throwback

Wonder if when I start 'dating' or at least play mysterious that it will make her justify getting closer to OM!?

[nit84]

You need to get the book DR and read it pronto. It will make so much sense once you do.

The first chapters are on this forum. If I knew how to create a link I would. Find this and read it.