I have been advised to post in the MLC section: My questions are at the bottom. Its like a soap story so sorry for the long post...
Before my H and I got together, I told him I wanted kids and this was a dealbreaker to me for starting a relationship but he said he wanted a kid too and 2 was ok just not 3 (his ex had 3 kids from a previous relationship). A year and a half after the birth of our daughter (whom he dearly loves) he started to backtrack on no 2. He's got some serious ocd's and might have a mild form of autism and/or adhd, so he cant handle chaos or busy-ness well. I get that. But a 2nd was part of the deal. My ovaries were literally all over the place. I pressured him and tried to convince him for a year. One night we did it w/o protection and I got pregnant. He warmed up to the idea until we found out it was twins. He said he couldnt survive that and neither would our marriage. But he would actually like another baby so if I aborted we could try again AND work on our marriage (he felt unheard and distrespected because of my pressuring and tho we had regular s** he wanted more experimental stuff than i was comfortable with. He said I was tired a lot and too busy w our daughter and not enough w him so we were having problems). I did the abortion to save our marriage and family but regretted it immediately (religious) got depressed after and was very sad and negative and blamed him partially. He was already gone 3 nights a week before the abortion but after he went on a party spree (dance lessons) 4-6 nights a week. About 4 weeks after the abortion he started an affair. I didnt find out till 3 mo later. During it he backtracked on trying again. Later I understood why. I confronted him in a controlled manner about the affair (unprotected s** too) and tho he was very unapologetic he agreed to end it and work on us. But before working on us first he needed space. So he kept dancing, 5-6 nights a week to calm down. OCD's....
After the abortion my body didnt recover. During all this I was being investigated for infertility and it was said I could surely not get pregnant soon (maybe never). A month after discovering the affair I discovered I was 4w pregnant again.
H went totally off it. I said I cant abort again. I would become more depressed, didnt believe it would save the marriage anymore and most of all I felt it was morally wrong. He feels distespected by a decidion he does nog support, had no say in and a bsby he doesnt want. For the rest of his life.
Ever since we ve spiralled down. We havent had s** since beginning Nov. He finally agreed to councelling but 3d before (a week ago) he dropped the D bomb.
He says he cant do it anymore, he's been miserable for a year now and he doesnt want to split up our family and loves me but not like before. And he s too hurt and angry that Im taking part of his life away by refusing to abort the baby and he's not attracted to me anymore and thinks it ll never work cause Im sexually not adventurous enough and he isnow finally getting female attention he missed when he was younger and he wants to enjoy that with women more adventurous without hurting me. And he likes to do activities w me but doesnt want the responsability so best we D before he cheats again.
He wants me to stay with him in his house until after the baby is born so he can help out. But my friend says he s doing it for HIM so he can feel less bad (making your 5mo pregnant wife leave weighs on him and looks bad) and that with D come consequences like missing out on having access to your kids full time and he should feel that.
Now after a horrible weekend he's calmed down a bit. Says he doednt want us to split but he cant do this any more. Agreed to come to counceling but to fill in how we can move forward, most likely in divorce. So we went and he wants to try again but says he wants to enjoy his newfound attratctiveness to women too. Cant guarantee he wont cheat. Doesnt want to hurt me so wants divorce, or if we stay together an 'open relationship'. Not very open for me as Im 5mo pregnant and can not also have flings. Which i dont want anyway. He would like a year to do things with other women but cant guarantee that after he d come back
Im so conflicted. It would physically and financially be easier for me to stay. And Im hoping that he ll change his mind on us if he sees me independent and happy and active DB'ing. Im trying to do a 180. But I dont want him to 'ease' in to separation while not feeling consequences. While maybe starting with another woman. I dont want him to sleep with other women, especially now. And he s not 'being there for me' so staying wont buy me more free time or support since he s not around much. Only time to save money and a possible shot at a change of heart on his side. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? STAY OR GO?? Any other advice??
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
First of all - let me say, I agree with your H on one tiny part. He should have had the say in whether to have a second child - if he didn't want one, he shouldn't be tricked or forced into it. People can change their mind once the reality of parenthood hits, unfortunately.
HOWEVER - if he didn't want one he also should have gotten a vasectomy and used a condom every time. And once your WERE pregnant, I think it's despicable and selfish to request that you abort it. It's one thing to say "gee, I don't want this and I think I'll leave", it's another to ask you to make such a soul-destroying choice. Twice.
And his OCD and other issues notwithstanding, (and yes I am very familiar with OCD!), the truth here is he is cheating and may or may not want to come back (I'd be interested to hear the story of his relationship with the woman with three kids, maybe this is his pattern of bailing when things get real?).
If you can swing it, I'd vote for separation - drop the rope, let him live with the reality of his decisions, let him miss you. Do you have family you could move in with? Are you employed? You might need to file for separation or divorce in order to get a temporary support order. You might at least visit an attorney to find out your rights and the best way to proceed financially.
Note that I am NOT telling you to divorce him right now. But to drop the rope, appear as if you're moving on, as if you are taking him at his word - sometimes that dose of reality will wake them up. Continuing to pull on him, discuss, present your arguments for why you should work it out - he's not going to hear any of that right now.
And be prepared, there's a possibility that once you let go and focus on your own life - you might not want him back. I'd find it awfully hard to forgive him for pushing for the abortion. You may be too close to everything right now to see how unhealthy this relationship has been.
But you don't have to decide any of this today. See a lawyer and find out your options. Figure out how the finances would work in different options. If you can, move and drop the rope.
Hi KML. I do agree that I pushed him too much. I wasnt thinking too much about his feelings just about mine. It was wrong. I do also think its wrong to say 'yes 2 is fine' to a woman who has stated that this is a dealbreaker for starting a relationship, and retract after kid1 is there. Like what am I supposed to do? Ruin my childs family because dad changed his mind? No. So that is also unfair. However it doesnt change that pressuring him was wrong. That he did something doesnt make it ok for me to do the same. I do regret it and didnt realize how much it hurt his feelings. I wish I had been less obsessed and pushy. To his defense he thought about a vasectomy but because I was considered to be infertile had postoned. So he couldnt have known. Yes his previous relationships ended in cheating too. So I was warned. However I can live with a one night stand or small fling once every x years, but not every month. Or a full blown affair. And someone just being a continuous @ss at home and not supporting his family. Im considering staying and GAL while pregnant. For convenience and the hope that he will change his mind. I can get my options sorted during that time (get formal mortgage advice, start looking for real estate agents, look for schools near my mom where would live: become prepared yo move on) Im not sure if/how long I can ignore any affair that he might start. Though pretending nog to care and be busy moving on mighthelp me ignore it. If i really need to I can stay at my moms for a few weeks. If I feel he is not bonding with the baby or making an effort i might ask him to leave until I find a place.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Pretty sure he's probably cheating right now, especially if he's gone dancing several nights a week and is not working on the relationship.
You deserve to be treated better, don't forget that.
If you are staying there for now, work out an every-other-night childcare arrangement with him so that YOU can go out and GAL (even if in reality you just go to a coffee shop and read). Dress up real nice and put perfume on before you go out. Let him wonder about where YOU are and what YOU might be doing for a change.
Today he said (by imessage) that he just doesnt want to nor is able to put anymore energy in this relationship. And he is sorry because he knows I see it and it is hard for me. I replied its not that hard for me anymore, but its difficult to see him struggle with himself. And that Im still willing to work on us but he has to weigh what his family is worth versus his freedom. Its up to him. And lets try to make it pleasant when we re together (like tonight when we go to a dance show he booked a few weeks ago) and see what happens. I also booked a house viewing (my first) in my calender (which notifies him automatically). And asked to borrow his car for it. I ve requested more viewings and advice about a good mortgage advisor from my friend. Im now preparing a 180-exit. Im doing ok today but it remains hard. I want my kids to have a family but a MLC can take years. I dont want yo be on hold that long. Its been 4.5mo since the affair ended and things have not improved.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Im now preparing a 180-exit. Im doing ok today but it remains hard. I want my kids to have a family but a MLC can take years. I dont want yo be on hold that long. Its been 4.5mo since the affair ended and things have not improved.
It sounds like you have a plan.
Move forward as hard as it is. 4.5 months is nothing in MLC land.
You need to focus on YOU - your child and one to come.
Mom, The questions you are asking are few and far between. Once they are in the tunnel they generally stay there and have to complete the entire crisis. Sure, there are some moments of clarity for them, but they are short lived. If he retracts the divorce wish just because you are moving out, I would bet my last dollar that the next time he feels smothered or you apply pressure, etc., he'll scream the word divorce again.
I would suggest that you continue moving forward. If and when your h wakes up, and "if" he wants to try to reconcile, they he will have a lot of work to do to earn your trust back. Who knows, by the time this happens, you may have moved on completely and like your life as it is at that time. It's his loss.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Most likely he is involved with another woman right now and until he has to contrast that with the reality of his life without you, he won't start to come out of the tunnel.
Also, he has other psychiatric or personality traits that may mean he is more pathological than the typical WAS. In which case, all bets are off. (Have you ever read The Sociopath Next Door?).
I agree that you should just keep focusing on YOUR life.
However, get some good advice from a divorce attorney before you move out of the house. And a warning on the mortgage part - I had difficulty getting a new mortgage until my divorce was settled. You may need to rent for a while.
Thanks. We went to a previously booked dance show at a theatre tonight. It was beautiful and he held my hand the whole time and hugged me after. Its so hard to not have expectations but from what I read i should prepare for a backlash. Pffff.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Job no never read that but yes he probably has a mild form of autism and maybe adhd. This does change the ball game i ve been told Kml yes i ll get some advicefirst, thank you. Im looking in to mortgage advisors. Im planning a DB phone consultation too as im still going back and forth etween staying and going.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Last night he came home at 3 and admitted he d been having another affair. With a horl who turns oit to have Norderline.I stayed calm and showed no emotions while he cried. This morning he hugged me seversl times and said he didnt know why he was throwing the best thing in his life away like this. Asked if i would be oorn to going to a sexuologist (as he feels im not adventurous enough). I said sure. But in the afternoon he said he was going dsncing w her tomorrow and maybe staying the night to say goodbye but 'nothing woukd happen' Im just so pissed off. He was supposed to drop me and our daughter off at the train station on Monday but made a big deal out of maybe he cant. Im trying to book more house viewings. I dont think he s actually going to be there for the baby more than occasionally. He might as well pay his own bloody bills.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Yesterday and today were my first real despair-days. How can someone justify still being married and living together with their pregnant wife and staying the night w OWno2 to 'say goodbye'? My DD was crying when I had to tell her daddy isnt coming home tonight. I couldnt explain why causr I dont want to lie to cover his cheating backside. My friend donated 2 phone sessions to me so im trying to make a DB coaching appointment (lots of time diff between here and US). Im wondering what they will say. Besides moving on I really just dont see any options anymore.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
This morning he hugged me seversl times and said he didnt know why he was throwing the best thing in his life away like this. Asked if i would be oorn to going to a sexuologist (as he feels im not adventurous enough). I said sure.
You know, sweetie, you have to learn how to have some healthy boundaries here.
Going to spend the night with OW to say "goodbye"? Not okay.
Going to a sexologist to make you more willing to do things in bed that you aren't interested in doing? Not unless you've got a serious issue around sex. If it's just that you're not interested in kinky sex, that's HIS problem, not yours, and a marriage counselor would be the appropriate place to go.
Honestly, he's not saying or doing the things yet that would make him seem to be a good candidate to reconcile with. Figure out in your own mind what you need HIM to do for YOU to even CONSIDER taking him back. This is not about you jumping through hoops for him; this is about HIM getting the help he needs and groveling to YOU to be taken back.
I know. Im just so angrrrrrry today! Im going to do a DB phone counselling session to confirm if Im not doing anything stupid by leaving, but I am just so angry today Im not sure what I ll do if thry say i should consider staying. Im also so angry that I cant get a mortgage etc done before my leave (and cant stay in my hospital where I really want to be at) when I move or stay with my mom, that I probably have no choice but to stay in the same house until after I give birth. While on one hand I think thats good cause im going to be waking him up at night A LOT MORE then first time, and he csn wake up too. On the other hand I just cant stand the sight of him anymore. No clue why but today i just snapped.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Mom22 your H sounds very much like a classic MLCer. It could take years for him to work through this. You owe it to yourself and your kids to change your focus and energy to making a stable life for yourself. It's not ok for him to come to you for his emotional needs and then run off to OW.
Keep moving forward. Protect yourself legally. Keep busy ( with some fun things ) Your husband may catch up down the road.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
So sorry you are here, although it's the best place to be, for a lousy reason. You may want to check out "DueinMay"s old thread if it is still here. Her h left her when she was pregnant, and eventually they did reconcile (and had their 2nd child). Keep Going was also left during her 3rd pregnancy, so other women have been left while pregnant.
Its a dangerous thing to do, (physically dangerous, to you and the baby)
and incredibly selfish.
I agree you were wrong to have pressured him as you did. So what? Let's just say that when he pressured an abortion on you, it more than made up for it.
There are reasons for an abortion, I'm sure. But dear God, I hope a man telling you to get one won't be a reason again.
(I say this for others who might read it, not you. I know you get it. I just hope no man who reads this will think it's EVER acceptable to do that.)
I think it'd be hard to let go of that^^, as much as the numerous affairs that are even more inexcusable than usual, at his age.
Originally Posted By: Mom22
Today he said (by imessage) that he just doesnt want to nor is able to put anymore energy in this relationship. Can you really think of a time he put a lot of energy into it?
With the "semi autistic" and "OCD" descriptions you give of him, I can't help but wonder if those are just code words for a selfish h.
And he is sorry because he knows I see it and it is hard for me. I replied its not that hard for me anymore, but its difficult to see him struggle with himself. And that Im still willing to work on us but he has to weigh what his family is worth versus his freedom. Its up to him.
IS it really all up to HIM? That seems like such a powerless way to live. And at some pout your children will notice and learn from what you do.
And lets try to make it pleasant when we re together (like tonight when we go to a dance show he booked a few weeks ago) and see what happens. which one of you is on trial ^^ here?
Don't get me wrong; no one benefits from you being irritable with him. That just plays right into his justifications for leaving a pregnant wife, which is the behavior of a CAD...inexcusable. Much like a woman cheating on a soldier while he's in combat.
Historically, those^^ were considered 2 behaviors that are abhorrent to society; and for good reason.
I also booked a house viewing (my first) in my calender (which notifies him automatically). And asked to borrow his car for it. I ve requested more viewings and advice about a good mortgage advisor from my friend. Im now preparing a 180-exit. Im doing ok today but it remains hard.
It surely is. I'm so sorry you are here. Have you seen a lawyer? Just seeing one doesn't mean you are "Doing" anything. But getting information can be very empowering and at least you won't be making choices based on fear or misinformation.
Please see a L asap. Really. KML ^^^^ has given you great advice. Take it in, please.
I want my kids to have a family We don't all get what we want, but They have a family.
IF their dad chooses to have multiple affairs, and or to let them know how Unwanted they were/are,
then maybe having a family with a dad living elsewhere, isn't the worst thing in the world...
but a MLC can take years. IF it is an MLC and not the culmination of a pattern for him, it may last years AND NOT result in a great awakening and return home, all better. Tremendous risk, lots of painful years and no guaranteed ending in your favor.
Plus you have "opportunity costs" wherein you meet NO one else who could share a family with you and make you the priority...you give that up to wait for a man who has grossly mistreated you and has little remorse, and no indication of effort at improvement or making up to you for any of it...heck, he's still "needing" to go out 4 nights a week at his age? He's not 20 y/o.
Sorry but I think your best shot is at seeing a L for self protection b/c you must remember that your children are the priority now, and that includes the baby you are carrying. No more catering to a man boy wo doesn't have the natural inclinations to preserve his own child's life when it's inconvenient for him...
how is he as a father to the child you already have? How was he during the pregnancy? Hold onto the good memories you have, maybe they'll resurface in him.
But long term, he's not a good bet without serious changes on HIS end.
IF and I repeat, IF -- you can do anything to help that awakening on his end, imo, it'd be letting him go and acting as if you are moving forward in your life and he's the one losing out. That you know you'll be more than alright, with or without him.
The fact that I actually believe ^^ this, makes it easier for me to say. I hope you feel it too, b/c once you feel it, once you BELIEVE it, that will show and radiate from within. I think it's the only chance there is of him "getting it" anytime soon.
Usually we stress what the LBSer must do. But in this case, I'm not sure that's the main issue. And if he takes too long to wake up, that's an answer too.
Did you say you have read the DB books? I sure hope so. When in doubt, go back to the DB basics. For instance, what are your 180s?
And GAL? I know you're pregnant, but GAL can still happen. GAL is key to Detachment and Detachment is key to your healing.
We harp the GAL a lot here, but for one reason. It works.
I dont want yo be on hold that long. Its been 4.5mo since the affair ended and things have not improved.
We are all here, rooting for you. You're not alone. No matter what, one thing I'm positive of, is that your life will get better in time. I know this.
Keep on keeping on, get your ducks in a row, see a Lawyer and get informed.
Take care of yourself and your baby --the one here, and the one on the way.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you Karma and 25years. Your responses are very helpful. Its good to know im not alone (though i wouldnt wish this upon anyone). I ll look for the threads mentioned. I ve found a mortgage advisor and have an appt for this week. Have 4 house viewings. And a DB phone coacing appt this week! Im just still sooooo angry. I havent been this angry during the whole period hes been acting this way. Maybe its cause i now realize that ever since May he never made ANY real effort at all. How could he, he was constantly in affairs. But he kept claiming if I did this or that it would help etc.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Mom22, I'm not clear on why you should get a mortgage and move?
He's the one who is leaving his wife and children. I don't think it's smart for you to leave. Before you commit to a mortgage and a house, please see an attorney. The spouse who leaves first may have a big disadvantage in divorce.
Forgive me if I missed the reason in an earlier post.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Your H suffers from a condition called "Being a D*ck". "Being a D*ck" or BAD, is when your H would rather heap blame on you for "making" him feel unhappy instead of actually looking at the mirror and seeing that he is the one that' s the problem. He is looking for someone to leave you for so he doesn't stay lonely.
Find out what your legal rights are and go dark with him. He's going to do nothing right now but hurt you. AND you'll soon discover that he's going to be doing this on purpose.
Protect yourself and your children first.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It started with a mild case of being a douche, but escalated. I'm pretty sure, in his case, it's chronic and fatal.
For the love of God, woman, don't buy a house right now. Sit tight, get some good legal advice and use this situation to catapult you into a new realm of living where BAD guys are a thing of the past.
My husband's leaving turned out to be the best present he ever got me. He always stunk at buying jewelry. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Last night he came home at 3 and admitted he d been having another affair. With a horl who turns oit to have Norderline.I stayed calm and showed no emotions while he cried. Gee, how'd YOU stay so cold in the midst of HIS pain?
(Yes, I'm being snarky b/c I have to use humor as a coping mechanism. but that's only b/c it ^^ helps me Not slap someone like your h, in the head, with a golf club.)
Sorry if it's "too soon" but when I read all ^^ this, it was literally the "nicest" thing I could think of to say!
This morning he hugged me seversl times and said he didnt know why he was throwing the best thing in his life away like this. BUT HE IS, anyway...so there's no telling why, b/c all that matters now, is YOU and and your children.
Asked if i would be oorn to going to a sexuologist (as he feels im not adventurous enough). I said sure. Wow, wow....UNLESS YOU have a serious problem with sex, which seems counter intuitive- given that you are in your 3rd pregnancy. Clearly, something is happening...
But I'm gonna make a crazy, wild stab in the dark - "guess" - that you have some TRUST issues that might make you a tad more cautious in the bedroom.
How about your husband being willing to see a minister/priest/pscyh for moral guidance
AND OR
any & all of your strongest male relatives, out behind a woodshed - for a 'talking' to" ? How about THAT?
But in the afternoon he said he was going dsncing w her tomorrow and maybe staying the night to say goodbye but 'nothing woukd happen' Oh excuse me, I'm now officially screwing my head in the ceiling...
I dont think he s actually going to be there for the baby more than occasionally. He might as well pay his own bloody bills.
Needless to say...
So if that's the case, (you know, if HE is going to support HIMSELF, like a man and FATHER SHOULD,)
can you get HIS credit card and do some real shopping?
I myself have not been to Rio, or Madrid, & a host of other countries and I really would like a trip, so if your h is buying, do let me know.
From what I hear, this^^ is a treatment for HIS condition.
It may not help HIM, but I'm told those who feel "infected" by his ailments, feel a lot better after.
I know I would...
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/20/1507:11 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Seriously, you must protect yourself. Legally speaking, do what it takes b/c there's no telling what your h could justify.
Given what he's done AND told you of, AND that HE ASKED YOU to see someone for "your" problems with sex...
I just don't see any boundaries on his behavior.
So you must set them very very clearly.
I'm not usually this annoyed by a h.
But DO keep posting, please.
Down the road you will be fine - but it takes time.
And between now and that time, count on the many people in your life (and this board) to help you.
You'll make it. Time is your friend.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks everyone for your concerns. I do wonder if he is inflicted with Dickness sometimes. :-) The house is 100% his, bought before me. He will never leave it as I have zero legal rights, except that he cant just kick me out (he has to give me 'a reasonable timeframe') and i dont think he will do that. He's enjoying all the benefits of me being there (bills are shared, i do housework, take care of kid etc). Leaving (with my daughter) has no legal impact in this country. Law is very different here. Law requires us to agree on a parenting plan before any divorce filings will be processed. He wants 50% time but Im working on more 40%. If it goes to court he will likeky get 3-4d anyway (have already sought legalcouncil on this). Law here leans towards equal parenting. As I said, very different from the US :-( Though I d hate to miss my daughter 3d a week I do think she (not he!) deserves regular time with her dad. She adores him. Plus he will then feel the effort which is needed and I have a few days a week 'off'. To go to gym, see friends etc. Buying a house here takes months. Banks are very slow and careful. Finding a place may take a while too as Im on a budget but do want a safe neighborhood and 3 small bedrooms. I have my DB coaching sesdion tonight. Fingers crossed!!
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Thank you. Ps fathers have A LOT OF RIGHTS here which is generally good but in my case not... If i d use his creditcard as a 'treatment' for my own 'ailments' he can really make my life hell regarding custody. In my and my d's best interest i need to keep him somewhat calm.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
I'm very glad you sought legal counsel. You're reacting like an adult and not letting emotions dictate your actions.
Bravo! Keep taking care of yourself and good luck with the coaching session. I found them very very helpful. I'd not be married today if not for my DB coach
and I mean that quite literally.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow things are quite different over there then. Here in Canada it wouldn't matter if he had bought the house. It would be 50/50 unless otherwise agreed. Make sure you ask more than one lawyer. When you have children judges don't like to see you pushed out of your home.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
This is a very clear and well known part of our law. Its ok too, i dont want to stay here anyway, its in a town where i dont know people, away from my family and friends. Plus the mortgage is much higher then the value (since housing market/financial crisis 2008/9) so its benificial i dont have to stay :-)
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
And to point out something good about my H: he is a father who loves his daughter very much and loves to play with her and buy her stuff. They play dough together too. He may be a sh]tty husband and put his ownintetests before his family, he does love her. Thats why he wants 50% of her time. I havent changd my mind. Even the DB councellor suggested I move on and trust his actionsnot his words. Im not saying hes not a d]ck right now or that im not moving out. But he s not Satan, i think... :-) I still think we might reconcilebut then on my terms in my own house. He has crossed allmy boundaries and it will not go any further.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
We should patent the term :-) Yesterday after dancing he said the last frw days he had been able to makeclosure with a lot. And he didnt know yet what that meant for usbut that he was feeling much better. I said i was glad becausr when he is happy i feel better too. But that i am progressing with my steps like looking at houses etc. He seemed a bit annoyed by the answer like it wasnt relevant. We ll see what tonight brings as he has no classes.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
We should patent the term :-) Yesterday after dancing he said the last frw days he had been able to makeclosure with a lot. And he didnt know yet what that meant for usbut that he was feeling much better. I said i was glad becausr when he is happy i feel better too.
To me, this^^ a measure of your progress, will be that You feel better and happy b/c you got yourself there - And NOT b/c of anything HE says or feels...
because he is simply not a factor in that.
But that i am progressing with my steps like looking at houses etc. He seemed a bit annoyed by the answer like it wasnt relevant. We ll see what tonight brings as he has no classes.
Again, let's NOT connect what HE does or says to how You feel. Untie that knot b/c it's not serving you well. You are and always have been, responsible for your own happiness.
You must work on detachment and that usually requires more GAL
which is slightly harder due to the little one in your womb. But it's not impossible.
What are your 180s and GAL anyhow?
Sometimes we must get back to DB basics.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/22/1508:02 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yMLCdont worry I didnt really mean that i was happy bc he was but i was trying to say something supportive instead if negative as I understand its best to stay out of allergie zones and remain friendly and seemingly happy when DB'ing. Was this a wrong move?
About a 180: I am showing him Im preparing to leave, had a mortgage appt and a few hpuse viewings. Will actually leave too btw. The DB coach says try to affirm your trust in his decisions making capacity by playing on his integrity by saying "I dont think divorce will solve any problems but i love you enough to respect your decision. And i trust you to do whats right. For our family too." Besides that nothing but s big life change like leabing will help right now.
About GAL: im off to a house viewing tomorrow, seeing my psychologist too and im going for dinner with a frirnd Sunday evening.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Wednesday eve he was home from dancing at 21:00 already! Because hes not having an affair apparently... He said he didnt know what it meant for us but that he was feeling much better now he ended it with her. Thursday he was very distant when i came home from work. After we watched a netflix show (he held my hand in the end) he said he felt the need to tell me how he felt and what happened last few days. I said thats ok but I am not your confidant to talk to about your girlfriend so it depends what you want to say. He said that his 'goodbye' day and night with her ended with them fighting and him sleeping on the couch. He said she was just a mindplayer. He later picked up some shoes he forgot at hers and said 'she told me that her ex came (broke up 2w ago) around to talk and then another guy she was seeing popped by. Her ex sent him away but after they talked&hugged and he left, she went over to the other guy! She really is disturbed'. I was thinking jeezus you dont even see you did exactly the same!! It was crazy. He said he s glad to have some quiet now but he doesnt know what he wants. Or why he doesnt want the 'right' things. But 'well 1 in 3 people cheat so he guesses he s not so unique'. He said sorry he was so difficult. Thats when I said i didnt think that divorce would solve any problems but i love him enough to respect his decision. And i trust him to do whats right. For our family too. He said theres a good chance that he s going to cheat again. To which I said i dont want our daughter to grow up thinking its ok if someone treats her like that. (Did i just affirm him wanting to leave...?? Aaarghhhh) He said yeah yeah thats true. And then turned on the playstation. It's just making me so sad. He just doesnt seem to find cheating wrong. Which means nothing now will work. I live in constant fear that he s going to make problems for me with moving or custody so I want to hurry the custody plan and moving. But another part keeps thinking maybe this time he ll change when i move out. But I know thats just naive. So im continuing.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Mom22 he is trying to cake eat. He is telling you up front he may cheat again so in his mind that removes any guilt. After all he warned you. Barf! He is also turning to you or fill his cup ( emotional needs) whenever he needs a little pls make me feel good he turns to you. This is where you may want to draw a boundary,
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
MLC does create a narrisstic monster. I just posted on my thread about my SD being left alone all night on a school night so her Dad could go out with his new GF. To be it goes against basic instinct to not take care of your own child. Protect you and your children. Your H. Is still in the tunnel right behind mine.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Omg Karma thats AWFUL! Im so sorry he did that.....! Do you still have any hope for reconcilliation? Are you living together still? Im gonna look up your thread.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Its not like im in the mood for dating I mean im 5mo pregnant and willhave a newborn but i do occasionally wonder if i willever meet anyone new. Im 36.5. And if i do how will i handle that bc my kids will ALWAYS come first. Im just sad for the loss of my family.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Of course one day you will meet someone again. You will be busy of course with the baby when it's born but once its a few months old it will do you good to go out and GAL. Its important for you to have time with friends and feel part of the adult world. I was single after my first marriage at age 30. I had four little kids. I would go out with friends and date too sometimes when my kids spent time with their Dad. I didn't introduce anyone to my kids unless they were a long term BF. I kept my dating life and family life seperate. You will know when it's right for you. Be picky. 😉
I posted back to you on my thread too.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Thanks Karma. I just cant imagine dating EVER though i know thats ridiculous. Id never bring anyone to my girls unless it was very very setious and stable, like you said. He missed her first encounter with snow and her first snowman today because he insisted on showering and after that didnt join us outside but was on the playstation. It just breaks my heart for my D. He was 10secs away. And stayed there. He still kisses me when i come in from work and before bed. When I asked if i could put some of his old water glasses on my list to take away he said ye. But he said he was weirded out talking about ot and felt like he didnt want it to happen. I smiled and shrugged and changed subject. I am moving out. Actions not words is what i need.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
You know, I was in my 50s when my H of 24 years left. I wondered who would want to date a middle-aged woman.
Turns out....lots of sexy, interesting men! and my current boyfriend is so loving and kind to my mom and my oldest son with Aspergers, both of whom live with me.
Thank you kml. Really appreciated, actually brought tears to my eyes. It just seems like decades ahead that anyone would be interested, with this big belly and knowing I'll be all saggy for quite some time after.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Mom22 there are good men out there and you will meet one. You are still young with lots of opportunities ahead. You can get yourself in shape after baby is born. I always found exercise was great stress reliever for me. I married my second H. When I was 41. It didn't bother him that I had given birth to four kids.
It is hard to be pregnant and alone. It feels wrong. Make sure you are not spending too much time on your own. Have friends and family around. Book a massage. We all need human touch it's essential. Accept help when it's offered and ask for it when you need it. Get to know yourself. Learn what's important to you. When you move decorate and create a home that makes you feel safe from the outside world. I often listen to yoga/spa type music. I light candles. I decorated my place so it reflects who I am. I have positive affirmations where I can see them at all times. Some are decorative wall art.
Live, Love, Laugh is my life mantra. It is tattooed on my left shoulder with a butterfly. I also have a flower on my ankle with the word "strength " under it. I got that one when I moved out of our house 2.5 yrs ago. Not that you would want to get a tattoo while pregnant. Lol
Where in Scotland is your sister living? I was born in Glasgow. We moved to Canada when I was four. My kids are able to get British passports because I was born there. They have all travelled Europe. My son actually met his GF here. She was living here and working for two yrs. She had to go back to finish her PHD. My son was able to follow as he could get a job over there no problem.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Thanks Karma. Its hard to have friends over as i live out of town and most dont have cars. Plus people prefer to come when my H is away as they know we are divorcing and of course are uncomfortable when he s there. So dinners are difficult (and im tired so need bed in time). When i visit friends i need to borrow my H's car and then i have parking costs. Public transport is 1.5h one way. So in that sense I d be thrilled to move out and be nearer to friends and co workers. :-) Im really keeping fingers crossed for tomorrows appt near my moms place.
My sisters go to uni in Glasgow. They re from a town nearby. I adore Glasgow!! Its a great place to live, im sure your S is having a good life there.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
I can understand friends feeling awkward. Maybe then H. Should leave on a night you want to have company? It's only fair if you are basically stuck at home. I bet you are tired! All that stress is not good for you. ((Hugs))
My son works in Edinburgh. He has a really good paying job. Worth taking the train from Glasgow. We are planning on doing a side trip to maybe Greece when I go over. Last time I went we went to Paris for four days. Loved it!!
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
So i ve told H i ve found a place i want to offer on. He got all jittery cause Im going so fast. Which is true. But still... He wants to see other women and divorce..! But fastest i d be out (IF i get accepted and IF my mortgage comes through etc) is half April. Also i said you can come and stay over a few days a week these first months, if you want to be there for us. We re talking tonight. Interesting. He wants out but didnt think I d do it this fast....
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
So I get home frm my mom with a toddler and 2 big bags but he cant open the door bc he doesnt hear us ringing bc he is on the ps4 with headphones on. Wants to finish his game (10m) before dropping D off in bed and lets her watch along with his shooting-game!! Ok no sounds as he has headphones but come on! So i intervene and I bring her upstairs and brush her teeth. He s upstairs in time to read her a story. Which i isually do but well we were gone last night. So we come down and we re supposed to talk about me putting a bid on this house (which he feels is very soon) and custody etc. Doesnt say a word and goesback to the ps4!!! So i say: arent we going to discuss anything? You wanted to talk right? Well with effort he decides to only go in for a small round (30min) so that we can start at 8:30. Pfffffff.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
That sounds like avoidant behaviour to me. He said he wants all this but when it comes down to the crunch I bet he gets confused and starts to question himself.
That's great that you found a place! When is baby due? Will you be settled before the birth?
Can you chime in on my lasts posts on Newcomers? Thx. : )
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
So we DID talk yesterday. He's going between reasonable and being sad versus unreasonable and blaming me. He said he was upset I was moving ahead so fast bc if i stayed till after baby us born he'd have much more opportunity to bond with her. Travelling toAmsterdam means travel time but also alot of parking costs (€3,5 ph). True He did say he had been thinking lately if maybe he shouldnt give this another chance. But when asked he also admitted that he might very well have another affair in 1/2/3 mo, plus he wants to be friends w his AP2 though he admits he might fall for her again. So basically I said thats not something I want to put myself through again. Specially while pregnant and also bc it would mean passing up my chance at a place in a good neighborhood (since tax/interest rate rules change unfavorably for houses bought after June 30'th). He did understand. Though he s always a bit on the edge of feeling like he s being wronged bc of my choice to move back to Amsterdam. Which will require wuite a bit from him. That this is all bc HE wants to divorce and mess around just doesnt sit with him. I d worked out a schedule where we could both see D parts of the week. But he wants to rearrange bc Tue eves he doesnt want her bc its his most important dance night. Never mind that this makes it very very hard to make sure D has several consecutive nights w each parent (as im off on Fri and my mom vant babydut on Tue). So will have to work arounx that. Plus he s very stressed about how hes going to manage to spend time w her when she stops daycare in our current town and goes to school in Amsterdam. And how he will bond w baby when she csn not spend the nighg at his place gorst few months. So trying to work out a schedule for that too.
Oh and did say that my moving out didnt mean we couldnt work on us. But that w his current wishes (other women etc) it just didnt seem like a good idea to me,
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Oh sure he wants out and has affairs while his Wife is expecting and you are being unfair not moving to suit him?! WTF Is it not amazing the amount of selfishness. Plus the pleas for cake eating. Why can't I have it all. You my kids and all my girlfriends.
You are doing great Mom22 and showing tremulous strength. Get yourself settled before the babe comes. If it's a longer travel for him too bad so sad.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
So today i lost my temper first time in months. He knows Im trying to buy this place near my mom and suddenly during work by txt he suggests we both move but within HIS town. I politely explained this would not improve anything for me but things escalated. He again accused me of not thinking of the children (!!) by moving to another town bc it'd make it more difficult for them to see him (read: travel time for him). This after I worked out a 50-50 schedule he rejected bc he doesnt want her on Tuesdays (his most important dance lesson days). He difnt even wait to see my new suggestion which freed his Tuesdays. So 50-50 is not enough if he has to travel. That i travel this time everyday to work bc I live in his town currently is not relevant. Apparently. I am selfish for wanting to move to my mom and friends who will support us while he has no family or friends who can help out in this town. And im also selfish for not giving him another chance while he says he wont be faithful. Probably not even during the pregnancy. It took a LOT of de escalating but finally he calmed down. I explained I do not want to stay in his house for delivery anyway with things like this and he grudgingly understood. So when baby is here, whether im in his town or mine, he will not see her every day. Thats the consequences of divorce. In the end he said maybe he should look in to moving to my town too. I am applauding it but i fear if he will truly agree. His house has about €25-30k undervalue. He d have to take that debt with him. Plus my financially afvantagious window for buying is closed July 1st. He s like stalling time. Pffff. Its HARD!
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Mediation is obligatory first, i ve suggested 4 local mediators today. He can pick one. I want to make an appt for next week. In the 1st conversation i will let him know i am moving out in a few weeks and that im changing daycare days so we can have consequetive days in a row taking care of D. Him from his town, mine from my moms place.
Ive consulted a legal aid who says i have a good case if it goes to court. He can not stop me moving in with my mom (temporarily) and he can also not blovk me from taking my D 3-4d a week. This could mean him losing custody. He does need to ok my permanent move but if he doesnt the legal guy said my case is good in court. Plus H is now considering moving to my town (36km away) too, if he can sell his house and finance the undervalue. Tho i dont know how long that idea will stick as hes so unpredictable.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
So today he was looking at houses in Amsterdam and i finally asked him are you ok with me looking at some apptmts tomortow. He said yeah i guess so. It still [censored] that you are putting me in this position but i dont want to be a weekend dad and well... I dont want to live here forever anyway. Good. Goal achieved. Unless he changes his mind back. Always tricky. Im trying to be very positive about the chance he will sell his house within a year and the price he'll get to get him to formally agree to the move.
Karma i cant find that post anymore you wanted me to chime in on. Do you have a link? Susanah i think.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
I bid on the appartment today I asked if he was ok with it first as i dont want to risk anything. But he s still planning to move to my town eventually and said " well Im not thrilled but you can do what you want". Good enough.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Ugghhh just as i was starting to doubt my decision i found a screenshot of a textmessage he sent to his AP2 today. Today! Photos etc get uploaded to a shared folder automatically and I guess he forgot that or forgot to delete it. It looks like they're still messing about though now just incidentally. Just hurts and p*ss*s me off. He's acting like he's the victim bc Im now actually planning to leave but really nothing had changed. He still leads a double life completely.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Awww... I'm sorry, I know what an ugly feeling it is to stumble onto stuff like that. But good that you don't get sucked into a false sense of him trying to reconcile, when he's still active in his affairs.
You know, he's probably NOT the kind of guy who made a mistake and is going to come back out of it once he wakes up - more likely, given his history, that he is a serial adulterer or a sex addict, and his problems go way deeper than most. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by doing what is best for YOU and your kids.
Thanks KML. I do think you're right. Im sad but glad too that i saw that message. 15mins ago he came up to me and hugged me and said I love you. I would maybe have fallen for that otherwise.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I know first hand how difficult it is to be betrayed. My W had a PA in 04, D me in 05, we got back together and she had a PA while we were dating. Then in 07 we remarried and last yr she had two EAs that consisted of sexting and sending an inappropriate video to one of the OM and now wants a D.
Keep your chin up you deserve better.
I'm also "high jacking" your thread because I'm trying to get ahold of KML because she helped me in my last DBing adventure.
KML, you helped me in 04, 05 and 06 at the time my screen name was JDD. I would like your help again if you can. I am now Jbird.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Just checked. Went to a house warming last night. Alone of course. Was great! H. Has been very helpful and sweet last 2 nights and yesterday. I need that bc D wakesup at 5-5:30 for the last 3d and Im so exhausted. Offered to give me his tv if I move. Then bought a new one for him. Appreciated the gesture but I was like he could have used half of that €650,- to pay more towards his debt to me. Pfffff. Some things never change #selfish#
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Hey Mom22, I took ur advice and waited until today to respond to the text. All I said was " sounds like a lot of work and stress. Hope it all works out." I sent that today at 2pm. He responded again at 9tonight he said " yes it was a lot of work and stress! Hope it goes well" I did not respond and he just texted again. Hi how are things? I met with Steve tonight for a bit," that is him trying to engage me. I know Steve and normally would ask about it. I did not reply. I am going on a coffee date tomorrow. It's like he feels the shift! WTF!
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Great. Leave at least 2 days between replying and keep it neutral. This is him suddenly feeling the dustance growing. I wouldnt have any hopes if I were you, but it's good he's realizing there is a change!
I bid on an appartment last Friday but havent heard back. H was helpful this weekend and said he really enjoyed Saturday that we spent as a family. Sunday I took D to my mom and stayed there. Im moving on but am grateful that he's not been horrible or difficult these last few days. Knock on wood.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Oh good luck with your bid! I'm glad the last few days have been better.
I went on a coffee date yesterday! It lasted three hrs and we are going out again tonight. Moving on in my life. I also met a new group of women. I had taken myself out for a bite to eat and ended up chatting with them. They are a variety of ages and careers and just meet up when they can for a dinner or drinks. They invited me to join them. Lol Weird how when the time is right doors start to open
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Im thinking of leaving the forum as I've realised this divorce is happening and i dont want to change it with him being the person he is now. And insists on being. I think theres nothing more (besides me leaving and him thus discoveting real life instead of fantasy life) that I can do to make him realize he's not fixing anything by leaving.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Mom, You don't have to leave the forum just because the divorce is going to happen. This forum is for anyone that needs support and you will need support for quite some time. Even though the divorce will take place, there will still be a few twists and turns that may toss you about for a while. There are a few of us here who are divorce, but we stay on to assist others and also seek advice/support as we walk the Yellow Brick Road.
We are here for you no matter the outcome.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Job. Thanks, thats really nice to say. Right now I hope he will maybe one day change his mind. So maybe Im still in to the DB a bit. Though maybe in a year I wont want that anymore, who knows. I ve been seeing signs of remorse last week (like 1st time saying he wish he could turn back time and not have the 2nd affair, asking if maybe we should try again). But he still says he just wants to be with other women. He doesnt want the responsability of a relationship. So he'd just be having me around 'on the side'. I dont want that. Or my daughters to think this is ok. My bid on the appartment got accepted. Unless seller chsnges het mind im signing in 4days. Then if course i still need to get a mortgage. But Im going through with this.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Oh yeah and he still sees someone else. Found a screenshot of a txt a week ago to AP2. And an accodentally saved 'valentines picture' by txt sent to him today. So he's not changing his behaviour. I eish I didnt have to stay until after delivery but my appt wont be ready before and if i anger him, he might make arranging the custody plan a living nightmare.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Glad to hear your bid was accepted! That's great news. A new beginning in your own space. I know I love my place. It is my Solace from all of life's stresses.
I agree with Job. This forum is not just about saving marriages. It's about support and helping each other go through so life changing times. I'm like you...moving forward with the D. I like to think I can offer some support to others as well as get support as I start moving into a new mode.
I went on two dates last week. Big step for me. Scary but moving forward.
Keep posting Mom22. I for one will be checking in on you.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Hi Karma Wow 2 dates in one week! Thats amazing. Hope they were fun. I signed the appartment contract this week and i have 5w to secure a mortgage. Im prayinv it happens. H has been much more remorseful and helpful theselast 2 weeks. We even went to dinner on Valentines. And we re at 30% of a parenting plan which is the legal obligatory base for divorce. However he still maintains he wants to 'explore' so despitehim being more like he usedto be, this remains the right decision. But its hard.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Hi Mom22 , I was hoping you were doing ok. Until your ex knows he wants to committ to you and yiur kids he will continue to cyle. Keeping you going around and around. I've been there. It's not a fun ride.
Date number three tomorrow. This should help me decide if it is moving forward or not. Will update you!!
Good luck with your new home! You deserve peace and Love.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
So after a few 'good days/weeks' of course I got blind sided agsin. Next Sat he's going to a party. He planned this 2 weeks ago. It was only when I asked with who he was going he kinda scuttled around it and it turns out to be AP1. The next day i asked if he would mind me paying just half of the mortgage in May since (if all goes well) I will then also be paying my own mortgage for my new appt: so ive got double bills bc Im staying at his request until 2 w after baby is born. So he can sprnd 2 fulltime weeks with her. He said no bc he has to save money too for his change of house. Aasrghhhh j@*@ss
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Oh yeah and hishouse is not my house. So Im basically there bc HE wants to see his baby fulltime whilehe's divorcing me and wants me to pay the bill for it while he goes oit with his AP. Pffff
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
He is a true jack a$$! So self centered ......he has to know that stressing you out at this point is not good for your baby. You deserve a real man. Not a immature boy. ((Hugs))
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Please take care of yourself and do what is best for you right now.
Are u sure you want to stay in the house with H right now...is this more stressful?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks 2BHappy and Karma. Its tricky. I really want to leave but I need his cooperation for the divorce, which is apparently necessary to get my mortgage. Bank rules suck. And then I need his signature on the mortgage deed. Ughh. All stupid but thats unfortunately how it works in this country. If I piss him off this could all go south. So I just got to stick it out some longer He's going out with AP1 tonight, 'just as friends'. Yeah. He might actually believe it himself. He asked me to cut his hair (i always do that myself), and got very pissy when I said i found that a bit weird to ask when he's going with her. In the end I did it to avoid trouble. Im happy my friend is coming over tonight when hes gone. On the upside our old ipad (the one i was taking) seems to be breaking. He said he'd pay a bit towards a new one, we could do it together. Nice since my budget is vry very tight. And our D plays a lot of games on it. Plus watches her Netflix shows. On the downside he's again not paying me back the promised amount after taxes come back (tegarding his debt he has w me). Just €1000,-/1.200,- instead of €2.200,-) bc he 'has to save if he wants to sell his house to come live near us'. It annoys me he still spends money (€70,- a month) on lunches out and still buys clothes (ok on sale but still), but continuously puts the consequences for everything with me. Ive not bought clothes in 6 months and I bring my own lunch to work. I go out for drinks (tea as Im pregnant) instead of dinner w my friends, to save money. He just feels he shouldnt have to do that. That I end up having to economize even more is apparently ok. ITS SO HARD to act normal. I've lost all respect for him. Which makes me sad. Sorry for the rant. I know I married him so its my own fault. :-)
Last edited by Mom22; 02/28/1502:30 PM.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Just when I think he cant stoop any lower... He was out w AP1 till 5:30 this morning. I got up at 7 and took our D swimming. When we came home at 1, he made pancakes. Nice, He showered with her and put her to bed and was going to keep an eye on the babyphone and play w her after she woke up so I could rest a bit. After they showered and she was in bed, I showered. Then for 5m she yelled she needed potty.... He never showed. She s not even 3 yet, she cant hold it, so after 2m i went and sat down w her. Potty trip takes about 15m, her no2's take time. So i put her back in bed and wrnt to lie down. And 15m later same thing. Went down again. This time just 7min but now its 2:30 afternoon here. So I took her downstairs and said she cant sleep when she needs potty. He never evrn looked up from his ps4. I put her in front of the ipad and said dont look at daddy's game. In 10m he will be finished and play w you. She saif "Ok mommy". How in the l0rds name is this man going to handle co-parenting???? I just hate that Im in this country where father's rights outweigh whether he actually has any capabilities at all. How do you put your game before your child trying to potty train??
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
30m later i go downstairs and he's still gaming. She s playing by herself. He says yeah just 3 more minutes, then Im going to do an activity w her. Pffff....
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
He sounds like a big child himself. He will have to make sure when he has the children that he is providing a child safe enviorment for them. Take note of things you are concerned about. Keep a journal now and when you do eventually separate. If your children are coming home in wet clothes or not fed ect....you can request the custody to be 70/30 instead of 50/50. I am all for men having equal access to their children and I do believe they benefit from having both parents with them as much as possible. That being said you also have to be a parent when you have your kids and realize they are the priority not the games.
You sound like you are planning wisely and holding your cards close to your chest. Now is the time to take care of you. Hugs to you
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
