Strong EA after 2 years of marriage. Need advice.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Another eye opener. I don't know what I'd do without this forum.

I like the comparison of the treating W like a "sick" person, who came off the right path. And yeah if she would've told me earlier I probably would still landed here. Because initially we don't know how to react and do it right from the start.

Reading through some of the other threads I guess I can even call myself happy finding myself in a 'standard' situation. There are some pretty bad cases out there.

I don't want to look back and think what a fool I was. I should rather get over myself and do things right today. But I thing we are humans and its a human right to mourn before we pull ourselves up again.

In this time get stronger and spend more time on yourself and what you want. Also dress better and smell good. Take better care of all of your stuff. Do some things you like.

A lot of times if they are going to cheat they are going to cheat. Many of these cheaters got "attracted" by the "world", so even if you were perfect in marriage, the wildness of the world stirred them.

Counter this in the future by always being attractive to the world. Do some wordly things with and without the wife or gf. Always be a guy.

That's all we can do and they still can cheat. You can also be careful about who you select if you are doing long term relations in the future. Pick someone with peers who are not cheating, perhaps out of stable and loving family structures where the dad/bf is treated how you would like to be.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I'm moving boards:

Quick resume:
BD around 6 months ago. Wife has feelings for someone who she almost dated, from work. I was crushed, cried and begged. She dropped contact. She tried to connect with me, didn't work at all obviously. In house separation. She is sure we shouldn't have gotten married, it was too fast. She was sincere but it didn't work out for her.

Are you sure that her rationalization hamster didn't come up with this, that you guys shouldn't have gotten married, because she fell in love with new guy? Perhaps rationalization hamster came up with this excuse to make things make sense.

Today:
I found out she has a strong EA with him since a while. Not physical, read through over a month of text messages. She confessed she is in love with him. I'm crushed.
I didn't go crazy on her, of course I was mad for lying and disrespecting me but I walked away from discussion to avoid sth I will regret later.

Good man. You can also use voice activated recorders hidden in the car. Usually when they are cheating they have support systems ( other people ) who know about it and enable their choices.

"In love" follows a couple of scripts just like affairs. Perhaps her guy has other women. Perhaps he is married. Perhaps he is a known player. This info could help you.

First question: What are the first steps, what should I do? Should I actually confront OM with it (and if so how?)???

This is up to you. I think before you confront OM you would obtain more information. I'm not even sure you confront him. Does he work in the same place or nearby to you? Do you know him? Does he know she is married?

One of the strategies in this situation is to find out information on the OM. If he is carrying on in the job site location or is married, you blow him up there.

One of our guys on another board had a successfully confrontation where he knocked the OM out. Wife tried to defend OM, and she got slapped. Our poster who did what all husbands want to do broke his hand and had to come out of pocket on some money for it. OM did not press charges.

Find out if the wife is carrying on in or around the house. If this is the case you need to either put her out if it is legal or get a restraining order on the OM so it cannot happen around the residence.

Learn where they are in their "fall in love" script. Depending on where they are the best thing you might do is to let him have her. A lot of OM's didn't sign up to support your wife, they just wanted the sex and company...

Affair partners get a lot more clarity about each other once the cheated on party hands in their cards and steps away from the table.

[Complex]

Weird thing just happened that's jusf showing me WAWs confusion.
First she pet my legs with her feet on the couch, then when she took off for work (nightshift) she snooped behind my back and gave me a kiss!?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I didn't really react to it. Probably at least gained some respect back. It's weird tho. I don't want to start hoping again. Phew.

[Starsky309]

It means she yanked, to see if you were still dutifully on the other end of her rope. You took a bit of a stand, and it threw her off her power equilibrium. She's trying to get it back.

[Train]

Yep. She's temp-checking to make sure she still has you on a string. She needs you as Plan B in case things don't go well with OM.

Don't be Plan B.

Good work.

[Complex]

I have the urge to ask her what the purpose of that was. I don't know the proper DB response to this. Or should I just let it go?

Book is coming in tomorrow.

I'm not lying. It made me hope. But I don't want to be messed and played with. DB has to continue as if it never happened!

[Starsky309]

Can you go out for 60-90 minutes? Smelling good?

[Complex]

Thanks guys. Human psychology can be so simple. She has no idea what she's even doing. Just wonder if I should tell her to stop messing with me or just play it super cool and show her what I think of it by actions and let her start the conversation!? I like B better.

I will only be Plan A, or Plan 'doesn't exist'.

[Complex]

Can you go out for 60-90 minutes? Smelling good?

Ha. What do you mean? No it stinks.

[Train]

It means to act mysterious. Get out of the house. ASAP if you can. Act like it was planned. Dress nice. Smell nice. Look like a million bucks and don't tell W where you're going. We don't care if you're just driving - or sitting in a park - for an hour. If W asks you where you're going, just smile and say, "Out with friends. I'll be back later."