Avoiding the Darkside ... Tales of the Jedi

[LouR]

Hi Cali

I am so sorry to hear of your latest sitch with w - she sounds so unhappy with her life - deep in MLC and not accepting that you are not the problem.

She sees remaining m to you as the only thing left she can blame for her unhappiness and it may not be until she gets it that she will truly find out it was not the answer.

Stay strong, good luck with your apartment hunt - it will be good to have your own space, somewhere you can spend quality time with your s and it will be lovely for him to have his own room at dads :o)

[TSquared2]

Hey Cali,

You don't have to carry the ball but don't appear to be standing in the way. This will only fuel the fire and prolong her MLC. I would seriously consider the mediation unless you have deep pockets for a lawyer. I know this is hard to accept. Somehow it does not feel like you are standing for your marriage. Are you willing to stand by forever while she is stuck on getting the divorce? If not then maybe consider this as a step in the process of continuing to move forward.

^^^ Seems like for quite a few of us the LLRT is the the way this has to play out. My stbxw is the kind of person who HAS to actually do things to figure out if they are good ideas, bad ideas, etc.

After she ended the M in June, I took it on myself to do the needful and handle the D filing, etc. She was not making any movement on her own, and avoided it when I'd bring it up. She even stated she wasn't in a mental state to handle it. I found an attorney who "got" what I was trying to do, who "got" my CHD and actually listened to me and didn't try to turn me adversarial.

Anyway, by the end of the month she will have her "fresh start do-over", in a wee bit better financial state than me, but I can carry the load, she can't. She also will never be able to realistically blame any future financial hardships on me, and our kids know this. The welfare of the kids were the primary focus of any decision, and that includes the welfare of their mother, because she is important to them. The balancing of these things, what's best for the kids, what's "fair", what does my CHD require, etc is tricky, please think everything through to all possible logical conclusions/outcomes. You'll be glad you did

As much as I wanted to save my M, and tried so hard, letting her go and giving her what she thinks she wants has been a blessing in disguise, and a great act of love, for her, for the kids, and for myself.

Fear leads to the dark side...

Let things unfold as they do, as you maintain being true to yourself.

Sorry if I'm rambling, been seriously sick the last week...brain still foggy...

[123Gwen]

The old saying about "loving them enough to let them go" really rings true. Obstruction will only lead to more anger and stress for you.

The decision to allow something to unfold is scary. Nobody can tell you what you feel is the right way to handle things moving forward but remember that we all are here to offer our support.

Sometimes not making a decision is actually making a decision.

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke, my friend.

I agree with the others. I just wanted to say a few things, if I may.

You have told her many times that this isnt what you want. She heard you, right?

I know that this is scary. I am not going to lie, divorce isnt fun. I also know that you fear that you will no longer want to stand if it happens.

Here's the thing. When you keep on telling her how you feel, you are invalidating her feelings. You are telling her, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.

I also get the hanging on for fear that she will move even further away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to stop them from hanging on.

When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect her feelings.

When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space…you heard them.

You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.

When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.

It is a mindset, you know. A choice, to really and truly let go.

It is saying that I hear what you are saying, I see that you are hurting, I understand that you need to do this and I love you enough to support you.

It is in the holding on by us, that can stop the forward motion in them. They cannot be free to take those steps, if they are looking over their shoulders at us.

An amazing thing happens when you finally do let go. They feel lighter, but, so do you. You are no longer bound by their actions or their words. You are no longer tied to their emotions you no longer have fear. And so, you are free to find your path, your voice, your strengths.

Letting go doesnt mean you dont love them, it means you love them very much.

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and learn to believe that you love and honor the relationship enough to want your spouse to be happy, in spite of what may happen.

But what it really says is that you honor you, and trust in you, have faith in you. So much so that you are willing to do the work, find your way, become who you were meant to be. And that maybe, you will find your way back to each other. And if you don’t, you will be ok.

[Shining]

Amazing post, as always, uR. Beautifully said.

Cali, you and I are not too far off from each other. You got this. You're so close.

The freedom is delicious.

[AJM]

T2 did what I did. Remember I said I made my choices right after BD? My choices were to protect the kids, try to help her, and give the M a chance. When it came to the divorce, I had an option to get bulldog atty, or one that would put the kids above either of us. I chose the latter. I also had a choice to go after the OM. In my state, alienation of affection laws are still on the books. I chose not to.

I bought her out of the house, although I likely could have held on without that. I saw no point and it didn't line up with my values and religious beliefs. There was no point to fight the obvious and it was important that the kids saw their father as one that treated their mom more than fairly. I can look back and say that divorce isn't fair for anyone but lawyers. But I have no regrets on the stand I took in that arena.

I understand your beliefs. So does your W. If it was about you, that would likely hold weight with her. It's not and you know it.

I think by now you know that fighting it, won't change the outcome. So when you make your choices, let the chips fall where they fall. Treat her well during this. But protect your son, and your assets. If the state makes her pay the money, then so be it. Not your choice - it's the law. Don't be sorry about that consequence of the choices. Don't be afraid to fight for what is yours - more succinctly, what you can't live without long-term.

That honors your feelings, her feelings, and your sons, as well as the future. Be clear headed about things, but stick to your beliefs as well. Try not to be swayed by feelings.

And you don't need to reiterate your feelings and beliefs. They're right - it'll bring you stress and anger. You've said it in actions and words. What she does with it, she does and its out of your control.

Some rambling thoughts. I hope they help

AJ

PS Oh. The divorce is not a painful event. Worrying about it and the future consequences is the painful part. Just so you know

[CaliGuy]

I would like to thank you all ... I am not going to reply member by member because .. well so many of you have blessed me with your ongoing support I am honestly at a loss for words ... nothing I could say would do how I feel much justice. I thank you from the bottom of my heart ... truly and sincerely

So ... as I mentioned .. she had brought up the Mediation card .. at the time I just wanted to think about it, not make a rash "Well F U " type decision nor move. I thought about it ... prayed on it .. thought some more. Yeah ... Mr OverAnlayze. That being said she brought it up during her PMS cycle ... over the last year I have observed this is typically when she bursts out, spins and [censored] me in ... so it has helped to track it like a Hurricane so I can prepare and board up my windows. As I have said .. I did feel this was coming, New Year, and the fact that I have gone pretty dark. So I decided that if she let it go I would as well... but if she did bring bring it up I would tell her what I thought.

Yesterday she TM about S and his project. Seems as of late S does all his homework while he is with me, and lately he has complained it cuts into the time he and I share, he feels its unfair ... but the homework must be done. I can not force W to get it done when S is with her ... so I have been helping S and trying to make things a bit more fun during this process.

W starts in about it, how she is the only responsible one .. I realize its day 2 of her cycle and she is obviously looking for a fight. She spews here and there, I let her know I have been involved and will continue to help S, I even went further to let her know he and I will be doing his special project Sunday. More spew ... she was getting herself ramped up and started in how I will never change, since I have become Catholic her life is not up to my standards, who she has in her life is her choice, and she will not live her life under my control .. even called me a tyrant ... and finally brought up the D again.

I calmly replied that I have given it some thought, and if divorcing is what will make her happy then I loved her enough to let her go. I agreed to going the mediation route.

Truth is ..as I have stated here, I do feel like I am being viewed as the roadblock (As far as she is concerned) to her happiness. I know this is not the case, but that is how she feels and no amount of convincing or anything I could humanly do will change that. I have accepted she needs to continue her journey but more importantly I need to continue mine, I deserve better than this and I choose not to have another 2014 this year (Easily the hardest year of my life). I am glad I was able to make this choice with a calm peaceful heart, if there is a way for her to find peace and happiness I want that for her ... there honestly was a time not to long ago, I was selfishly only wanting that for her if it involved me ... not any longer. The person she has become is not the woman I fell in love with and married ... the tricky part is she looks exactly like her, which filled my head with the warm and fuzzies, I thought here and there I seen glimpses of her ... but I think that was just the magical deception she cast out to keep me close while she struggled with her internal decisions.

She called today, actually asked how I was (That caught me off guard honestly) ... I told her I was doing well ... I asked the same and she told me she has been ill for the past month and a half (This too has typically been my fault and one of the many reasons she left) She asked again about mediation, asked if I had the $$ ... I told her I am currently looking to move, but agreed to pay my portion. She started in again asking "Are you going to make this difficult?" ... I told her that I have already stated how I felt, its her choice and I respect that just as I have with all the choices she has made. I do not feel she will be happy after the mediation process( especially with the settlement that I expect will be issued) she said a few other things and I could not help but see the trend ... She was not happy, and continues to not be happy regardless of all the things she has done thinking it will lead to euphoria. This divorce however will hopefully remove me from being the source of her unhappiness and maybe she can start figuring out why she is not happy ... her issue .. but I hope one day she can find peace.

I am actually at peace with this ... end of the day I did all I could do to save my M, I think I got hung up on what I thought God wants ... I realize I can not read His mind either .... I gave this to Him long ago and still have faith He has a better plan for me, still open to see what that is and where this leads me to be honest. I have made some amazing changes in my life and continue to grow. I am excited to see where this will lead me.

[HeavyD]

Excellent post. I salute you! I too gave my situation ove to God. I have done all I can do.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Truth is ..as I have stated here, I do feel like I am being viewed as the roadblock (As far as she is concerned) to her happiness.

You are.

I know this is not the case, but that is how she feels and no amount of convincing or anything I could humanly do will change that.

You will do much better when you stop trying to convince her. Most people tend to dig their heels in when someone is trying to convince them of something it's in our nature to be contrary, especially with people whom we don't view as part of our team.

I have accepted she needs to continue her journey but more importantly I need to continue mine, I deserve better than this and I choose not to have another 2014 this year (Easily the hardest year of my life). I am glad I was able to make this choice with a calm peaceful heart, if there is a way for her to find peace and happiness I want that for her

That gets easier the more you say it. Tomorrow it will be more true than today.

... there honestly was a time not to long ago, I was selfishly only wanting that for her if it involved me ...

Really? You don't say.

The person she has become is not the woman I fell in love with and married ... the tricky part is she looks exactly like her, which filled my head with the warm and fuzzies, I thought here and there I seen glimpses of her ... but I think that was just the magical deception she cast out to keep me close while she struggled with her internal decisions.

No they are not the same person are they? To be honest my wife now isn't the same person I feel in love with nor am I the same person she fell in love with.

I personally do not believe that most MLCers are intentionally evil. I think they are crazy and confused and that leads them to make choices and do things that in a normal person I would call evil.

Cali, if what you are saying is true, and I hope it is. It should show up in your attitude and display as a certain amount of detachment and freedom from spite/anger that I hope she sees. I hope she sees it and is clear enough in her head that is has some effect upon her.

Call me Pollyanna, but the Fat lady hasn't sung just yet.

[LiveNow]

Amen, Cali.

So, Jack, when exactly does the fat lady sing, when the divorce is final? Different in every situation?

Anyway, Cali, I'm about where you are. H finally filed, after hemming and hawing, and who knows what else for 18 months, in mid-November. We had a mediation session yesterday, and I realized we really needed that to 'break the ice.' I think we can settle everything else the rest of the way by ourselves. But, I had to do the same - really let H go. I finally managed to do that in the past couple of weeks, knowing that our mediation date was approaching. Had a really BAD week, which was followed by a really good one, in which I felt I was finally ready to let go and let him do what he felt like he needed to do. We have to set ourselves free, too, when it gets to this point. Good luck to you, and try to just go along with it. Maybe once 'it' actually starts happening for real, reality will slap her in the face and make her start to THINK. Hang in there Cali...you can do it. (Heck, if i can do it, you can too, I'm sure of it!)