Learning to Walk Again II

[uRworthy]

I think the "Gets her way again" remark is the hurt little boy ... sure she is in crisis, but seems this MLC thing they get to act out and behave as they want, regardless of who it effects.

Yea...it does seem like that...still wouldnt want to be them for anything. You gotta be crazy all up in there to do the things they do. I would think it succks to be so broken, ya know?

Coupled with some of the issues we had when we were actually both understanding we were married ... she typically had to have things her way, one of the mistakes I made looking back was going with it to avoid the melt downs, and not sticking up for what I wanted more. I did on certain things, but I gave in just to avoid the blow up far to often.

So, that was an issue you both contributed to, yes?

I see your point on the "being done" front. Just thinking about it I am not sure I would still stand after D, I just do not know at this point. When and if I do decide its enough .... hard to think its not going to come from a place of disappointment

Will there be sadness and disapppointment if is comes to that? Yes. But when making the decision...it should be made from a place of strength, with the knowledge that you have done everything you could and the understanding that it is what is best for you. Im nitpicking words, perhaps, but, it is an important difference I think. When you are done, you will know it. You will feel it.

As I've said, dont get ahead of yourself. You may decide to be done, but, for now, today is not that day.

Hows the light saber ? That seems like seriously personal question ... lol.

.

LOL! I like, Luke. Well, we are friends, right? Just sayin...;)

. naaaa all is good, still training I think butthe force is flowing stronger in this Jedi.

Yes, I agree.

I had some serious PMA going hard for some reason.

I'm thinking it's because of that Jedi stuff that's been working on ya.

Cranked up the Harley and rode it to class.

That sounds like fun!!

... again . more opportunities to meet more people and get myself out there more often. GAL GAL GAL

Go, Luke, goooooooooooo! LOL!

[AJM]

Yea...it does seem like that...still wouldnt want to be them for anything. You gotta be crazy all up in there to do the things they do. I would think it succks to be so broken, ya know?

Um, yeah. It would. I can't even imagine what that would be like and what it would take to "feel" alright about myself and my choices.

On the other hand, if this was your MLC Cali, you wouldn't be making positive choices you are actually happy with. Nor would you question your choices like that. Crazy doesn't question itself (They call it mid-life crisis because the choices cause a crisis of some sort. To a person outside their head, it looks more like mid-life crazy.)

Truth is, they are not really "crazy" in many instances. They are broken and frantically trying to fix themselves. I remember describing my ex as "shattered. And its as if she is trying to put herself back together, but the pieces aren't quite right." That went on for a very long time. There was sadness seeing that. But what I see now is certainly not happiness and peace. Far from it, and I don't look directly nor have contact. I see it through my son and the things that happen in his life with his mom. Not the person I knew at all, and not one I like in the least.

By the time the D came around, it was almost a race to see who was going to file. She was already making plans to marry the OM and had tried all manner of things to try and hurt me and the kids. I'd had enough but the hurt little boy wasn't done - just quiet. I hung on long enough to see for myself what she was going to do, and promised myself that I would let her club me like a baby seal. I knew that no matter what she did, she couldn't hurt me if I didn't allow it. That damage was done, and there was going to be no more.

I also knew that regardless of what she said, it was going to be me that had to "leave" her (the relationship). For my own sake, I had to do that.

When it all first came to light, I chose my priorities and I stuck to them. She was free to make her own choices from the beginning of our R and I reiterated that to her on several occasions. I make sure that even now I live my choices. I said she could leave (that was early on; she had just told me she wanted to date people two at a time and bring them into the house. Then cried for hours. Go figure, but I don't wish what I saw on anyone. )

But what I see now? I see things differently. I made a strong effort to not "re-remember" things but instead to honor the past. To see it for what it was - past. And to see her for what she was. Broken and trying to fix herself. Different.

Something that has been difficult - forgiveness. Why? I'm human and she and OM have tried very hard to harass, hurt, etc. She's human. Not a monster. Not crazy (per se). Just human and prone to make human choices. No better and no worse than I am. Heck, it could have been me that did what she did (except not with OM)

Life is going to have its challenges. We should expect them - I didn't before, but should have. My mistake and I own that. They make you bitter or better, Cali. You're well on your way to being better and at some point you'll be thankful for the growth from this experience. With or without her being able to be part of your life in the future. Right now, that's her choice in some capacity. It's your choice always and you know that.

It may be hard for you to see now, but your life really is much better than it was in your M if you ask me. The issues are out in the open. You're communicating. Your growth is astounding. Your view and acceptance of reality is awesome. Your relationship with your S? Brilliant.

As an outsider, I'd look at your life and think "what a lucky guy." Because I know there are great things you'll be ready for in the future, that you would have otherwise missed.

She may have meant it for anger and evil against you, but I have to say that's not how it's playing out from what I see. Perhaps she won't be able to catch up. That's sad for her. But it seems to be the best gift you and your S could have received.

Be grateful that you were able to go through this, Cali. If not yet, you will be. Not everyone comes through better so quickly. And not everyone gets the opportunities you're being given.

AJ

[uRworthy]

Amazing post, AJ.

[123Gwen]

AJ - your point of view was comforting and really rings true. I read Cali's posts and I also think what a great person. What a loving dad. My impression is only of great possibilities. I see very little actually holding Cali back at this point.

Of course real emotions and real life have a habit of intruding. Your post acknowledged that but Cali don't lose sight of all you have accomplished. AJ is very wise.

[CaliGuy]

Yea...it does seem like that...still wouldnt want to be them for anything. You gotta be crazy all up in there to do the things they do. I would think it succks to be so broken, ya know?

Um, yeah. It would. I can't even imagine what that would be like and what it would take to "feel" alright about myself and my choices.

On the other hand, if this was your MLC Cali, you wouldn't be making positive choices you are actually happy with. Nor would you question your choices like that. Crazy doesn't question itself (They call it mid-life crisis because the choices cause a crisis of some sort. To a person outside their head, it looks more like mid-life crazy.)

Wow AJ ... I read this via my phone, was blown away, read it several times after .. still same effect. I wanted to reply but honestly had to gather some thoughts as this post ... just wow.

Truth is, they are not really "crazy" in many instances. They are broken and frantically trying to fix themselves. I remember describing my ex as "shattered. And its as if she is trying to put herself back together, but the pieces aren't quite right." That went on for a very long time. There was sadness seeing that. But what I see now is certainly not happiness and peace. Far from it, and I don't look directly nor have contact. I see it through my son and the things that happen in his life with his mom. Not the person I knew at all, and not one I like in the least.

By the time the D came around, it was almost a race to see who was going to file. She was already making plans to marry the OM and had tried all manner of things to try and hurt me and the kids. I'd had enough but the hurt little boy wasn't done - just quiet. I hung on long enough to see for myself what she was going to do, and promised myself that I would let her club me like a baby seal. I knew that no matter what she did, she couldn't hurt me if I didn't allow it. That damage was done, and there was going to be no more.

Yeah, I think thats where I have arrived, I think its a mix of the "GingerBread Kiss" and the New Year... just the fact she would put S in that position made me realize its completely about her, and nothing I can do ... gave me enough anger to fuel myself away from her, its one thing for her to hurt me, I can take it .. but to expose S just before Christmas .. ummm ..ya, not someone I want in my life really. Feels like this gave me the energy I needed to walk to the other side of the street, she can stay where she is for as long as she needs ... I am going to build my house over here, its safe, secure, and peaceful ... friendly gated community and I am just not going to buzz in any crazies.

I also knew that regardless of what she said, it was going to be me that had to "leave" her (the relationship). For my own sake, I had to do that.

When it all first came to light, I chose my priorities and I stuck to them. She was free to make her own choices from the beginning of our R and I reiterated that to her on several occasions. I make sure that even now I live my choices. I said she could leave (that was early on; she had just told me she wanted to date people two at a time and bring them into the house. Then cried for hours. Go figure, but I don't wish what I saw on anyone. )

But what I see now? I see things differently. I made a strong effort to not "re-remember" things but instead to honor the past. To see it for what it was - past. And to see her for what she was. Broken and trying to fix herself. Different.

Something that has been difficult - forgiveness. Why? I'm human and she and OM have tried very hard to harass, hurt, etc. She's human. Not a monster. Not crazy (per se). Just human and prone to make human choices. No better and no worse than I am. Heck, it could have been me that did what she did (except not with OM)

I get that part of realizing that it was going to be you to "leave" the relationship. I am not there currently ... I feel more like a fisherman, I arrived at the "spot" a git late and do not expect any nibbles .... but well I am here, food packed with some cold ice teas in the cooler and at the moment I am just gonna hang out for a bit ... no so much because I expect her to dance out of the fog anytime soon ... more because I am still working on me and that is where my focus is at the moment .. refreshing because for months it was on nothing but her.
As far as forgiveness ... yeah that's a tough one, I am torn. Part of me thinks its far to easy to put all the blame on the crisis, and say its not her fault ... but the other part of me knows I deserved better, not to be put through that hell that was 2014. That being said I refuse to let it define me, to allow it to make me bitter, This all happened for a reason, to transform me into the person I am supposed to be and without going through this I can easily admit I would have never put the shoes on to walk this journey.

Life is going to have its challenges. We should expect them - I didn't before, but should have. My mistake and I own that. They make you bitter or better, Cali. You're well on your way to being better and at some point you'll be thankful for the growth from this experience. With or without her being able to be part of your life in the future. Right now, that's her choice in some capacity. It's your choice always and you know that.

It may be hard for you to see now, but your life really is much better than it was in your M if you ask me. The issues are out in the open. You're communicating. Your growth is astounding. Your view and acceptance of reality is awesome. Your relationship with your S? Brilliant.

As an outsider, I'd look at your life and think "what a lucky guy." Because I know there are great things you'll be ready for in the future, that you would have otherwise missed.

She may have meant it for anger and evil against you, but I have to say that's not how it's playing out from what I see. Perhaps she won't be able to catch up. That's sad for her. But it seems to be the best gift you and your S could have received.

Be grateful that you were able to go through this, Cali. If not yet, you will be. Not everyone comes through better so quickly. And not everyone gets the opportunities you're being given.

AJ

AJ ... I have always been a person who knew every day would present its own challenges and issues, I think the problem I had with this early on was how "wronged" I felt, how unfair it was .. and how there was no remorse .... learning what I have learned here helped me get past that, focus on me .. and even admit to myself I had a good load of issues that I needed to address ... stop focusing on her, heck .. obsessing was more like the correct term honestly. And with the help of so many here, I was nudged to keep my eyes on my own paper ... this board is a God-send. I know I would have never done the work had this not happened, I have caught myself at times thankful for this chance, how many times in ones life do they get a chance to start over and be better for it. Yes ... its painful, sure I want my W and M ... but big picture ... I needed to be saved to have a chance at a happy life and without this happening I would have never put in the work.

I actually looked back at the past year, M and W aside ... I have been blessed in so many ways. I started a new job just about BD time ... left my previous job of 17 years .. since then I have been promoted (in just 4 months) to where I have been groomed to be, its a better work environment and I am appreciated. I have exposed myself socially playing football and softball, and the biggest improvement is my R with S ... sure we were always good, but when your time with your son is limited it becomes that much more valuable for you .. atleast thats how I feel .. and I cherish/look forward to our time together.

And yeah .. in a strange way I am grateful and humbled to have had the opportunity to go through this journey ... its not one I would say I desired .. I have even joked with God that he could have gone about it differently and maybe a bit more gentle .. but I realize who I was and how that would never have worked. He blessed me ... I recently heard a sermon that hit home ... the message was how God loves us as we are, but he loves us to much to allow us to remain this way, He wants to improve us and for us to become who he desired us to be.

[CaliGuy]

Little bit of an update

So not much going on with my sitch .. why? Well because its been pretty dark and I have honestly been relatively detached to a point I am not thinking about what she is or isn't doing, I have been pretty busy.

Friday she showed up at my place to pick up S ... she rang the doorbell but upstairs I did not hear it, she TM she was there and we came out as she was waiting by the car. I was good on PMA, ... as was S .. he gave me a big hug and jumped in the car, only to tell W to wait .. jumped out and gave me another big hug ... that kid I swear .. W had this look on her face ... not sure what it was nor will I mindread but I know she wishes S were more like this with her and I do feel he would be but he does not trust her as emotionally she is not usually consistent.

Saturday I woke up and started my fun GAL's ... yanno laundry and cleaning chores .. lol. W dropped off S for an hour or two so she could go to the eye Dr, we went to the store and then I let him play his video game a bit. I wasn't feeling well, had a headache I just couldn't shake. W arrived and I walked S out ... another big hug .. seems to be a trend lately .. long huge hugs from him. W told me about how busy the Eye Dr is and that I should hurry and get in, I told her I was waiting till March so the insurance would cover the frames ... she once again started in I calmly told her I have already been in contact and that I have it handled. I went up and finished some cleaning and decided to try to sleep off the headache ... woke up 5 hours later ... lol Phone had 10 TM and 3 missed calls .... most the TM were from my football buddies, the calls were W , I called and she said she was feeling better, was ill and wanted me to come get S .... I was actually glad I missed the call, and was not there to "save" her.
Sunday, picked S up early as he told me he wanted to go to mass with me. W seemed fine ... so off S and I went, mass then I took him with me .. bought some new clothes, fetl good to spend some money on myself .. couple shirts, pants and shoes ... I also showed S the tickets that came in for our Jan 31st Boys night out ... Yup .. Monster Trucks .. should be fun!! Came home and helped S with his homework, cooked, shower and then watched Gremlins .. he loved it.
Dropped off S this morning .. W said hello, has been a bit since I have even got that .. I replied, another huge hug from S ... she asked if I had a second to talk ... sure ... she invited me in but I declined. Was just trivial stuff about S school and field trip, seems to be typical .. i answered only about what was going on ... said I would think about the field trip (if I wanted to volunteer or not) I wished her a good day and eneded the conversation ... she had that look like she wanted to discuss more/talk more ... but honestly I really did'nt ... its the push pull thing, she has felt me pull back so now she predictably is pushing ... the "How are you doing's" etc. And as predicted ... missed call as she was on her way to work , left a VM asking about another school meeting Tuesday wanting me to call her back.
At this point, I just feel like I will co-parent the best I can. Its all I can do ... seems to be on her low cycle when she usually reaches out to me, and in the past I have always been there but I see now this is not helping her on her journey ... in fact it just keeps her in the vicious cycle and she is not looking at herself. Tough love .. whatever it is .. in my heart I know its what I must do to protect myself and to allow her to continue her journey.

My focus the past week or so ... new place. My roomate is putting the house back up on the market next month, timing seems to be in my favor, I will have some $$ saved up and decided its time, My place .. just need to find one dog friendly .. hopefully a 2 bedroom so S has his own room, I can pull out the furniture from storage ... its an exciting chapter I soon will open up and one I am looking forward to.

[uRworthy]

Luuuuuukkkke, you are sounding good. I like.

Just wanted to write a bit about forgiveness. It's a process. While anger served a purpose on my journey to propel me forward, I didn’t want to carry it and resentment around with me. It saps your energy. It weighs you down. So, I made a decision to work towards a place of one day having empathy and compassion.

I feel that forgiveness is a way to honor your relationship, your marriage. It is an acceptance of what is and the letting go of expecting something different.

It doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

But mostly I just realized that people are doing the best they can with what they know, with where they are and with what they’ve got. Not my place to judge, nor my place to condemn. I can only be in control of my actions. And the action I chose was to forgive and when I did, it freed me up.

I have no doubt that you will get there when you are ready.

[CaliGuy]

uR ... again thank you so much....

I think there was a time I felt i forgave her, then she went right back and did the OM to me ... rinse repeat ... now ... honestly I am not so sure I have much more to forgive, I have accepted she is in crisis .... to a point I know (at least I believe) the person who I loved and married would not have done this with a clear mind ..... not to say she should not be held responsible but at this point I just do not think she is capable of such things so how can you be upset with someone who just does not exists any longer? (The old her would be so overrun with guilt its not funny .... this person who she is now ... well she is a stranger I just do not want to learn much more about) It is tragic to see what has happened to her and I see her go from happy to sad all over the place. I do not harbor ill feelings as far as the past goes .. I am not waiting around for any "I'm sorry's" I have given her and my M to God honestly and will await what the outcome is to be .... as I thought to myself today, who knows when that time will be, (I am trusting Him to let me know) but I do know at the moment I am at a place she can no longer hurt me. Like you said .. I may give up tomorrow .. but not today.

Looking at this thing its strange, When this all started I tried to become someone I wasn't, it was so new and foreign ... I jettisoned who I was out of desperation and guilt, now I have accepted things for what they are, come to peace with it, and am beginning to merge the old me and the new me. Ironically this is what I have read the MLC'r will do at some point if they do come out of the tunnel ... making me wonder who's crisis is this anyways ... lol. I like the 2.0 version of me so much more, I am not conflicted, at peace, not anxious .... I even have goals set in my head that I am striving to achieve. I have rediscovered my self worth, I am not the monster she once had me convinced I was .... I have much to offer if I choose to do so ... at the moment those lucky charms are mine to horde as I also know I have more work to do before the Grand Re-Opening

[uRworthy]

Ah, grand reopenings require bacon, wine, coffee and chocolate...just sayin...

You keep going, Luke...the world is waiting...

.

Ok, I cant resist.."Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda.
Hee hee.

[AJM]

but I see now this is not helping her on her journey ... in fact it just keeps her in the vicious cycle and she is not looking at herself. Tough love .. whatever it is .. in my heart I know its what I must do to protect myself and to allow her to continue her journey.

Just something to add to this. While it may or may not help her... it's very definitely not helping YOU to be in that drama. Just some perspective, amigo.

My focus the past week or so ... new place. My roomate is putting the house back up on the market next month, timing seems to be in my favor, I will have some $$ saved up and decided its time, My place .. just need to find one dog friendly .. hopefully a 2 bedroom so S has his own room, I can pull out the furniture from storage ... its an exciting chapter I soon will open up and one I am looking forward to.

Yep, a new adventure to be sure. Makes life worth living, doesn't it?

UR's mention of forgiveness. I was reminded a while back about what the bible says about forgiveness. And about how surprised we'll be who is, and more importantly who is NOT in heaven. Seems a reminder to me about forgiveness and what we're taught.

But I'm also reminded about cheap forgiveness. That forgiveness that one gives that isn't really forgiveness. What you described about the earlier phases of this trip are spot on. You feel guilty, a monster, a failure. Later, as you learn to accept, you keep what's yours and give the rest back. That leaves the betrayal (of the expectations and promises.) Isn't that part of being human?

The betrayal is a serious act. It should not be forgiven lightly, but rather be forgiven completely. Not a trivial exercise as you may have seen. Anger, acceptance, empathy, compassion - they're all part of the process. But to make it stick, you have to be honest and work at it. Otherwise, on your down days, you'll revert back to the hurt little boy syndrome. That's your cue that you didn't fully forgive yet.

I only mention that so you're aware. Be careful to not consider her actions a result of her crisis. Rather, crisis came about because of her choices. Forgive because you must and because she deserves it as a human being. Forgive yourself first (sounds like you have). The reason to forgive yourself first? Because you live with you and need to lead by example, right?

You're awesome Cali. You truly are one of those people that turns a tough situation into a positive. Very lucky to be that way indeed! Although I get what you're saying about how it might have been nice to be less stressful to get there...it's just part of a day in the life. And you wouldn't be the man you are without the experience.

AJ