I'd love to be numb right now, so very much. Anger is helping after the first two or three times. The first time I caught her on the phone with him I was really sad and upset. Second time? Pissed. Third time? Angry.
You're right. Nothing is working. When I am "nice" to her, she'll say things like, "We had a really nice day yesterday, why can't you just be like that?" Well, it was nice bc I faked it all day. I buried tears and anger all day. That's why.
She wants the D. Maybe even I do at this point. So, she'll get it. Mediator is sending over the paperwork this week. He said if we can agree to terms, this will be final in 60 days. Then, according to W, her "relationship" can go public and she'll introduce him to S4 & S1 in a new manner. S4 said two days ago he "wishes he had sisters," OM has two girls.....
As far as textbook behavior, that is crazy to me. Talking on the phone seems in your face enough, she shouldn't have invited me and given me a front row seat...that seems like some Dr. Evil stuff.
Yes, there is a very small piece of me, hiding way in the background in a dark place that wants this all to go away and for her to snap out of it...I hate to admit that to myself but it's true. Most hours of most days I accept the finality in all of this. Making my list of things to look forward to this year really helped.
Ok, off to read Chump Lady. Thanks again Theoden.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
MVG everything you are feeling is normal. You are still in a shock and awe state. Don't be too hard on yourself. These boards have been so helpful to me ( I've just stated posting but been reading for a year). Give your W space and fake it until you make it.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
She is getting all of the space she wants. Unfortunately, it's through a D. We signed and sent off the mediation papers yesterday, should have a meeting scheduled by the end of this week.
Unfortunately, we have S4/S1 as collateral damage, and that is giving me regular nightmares over the last two weeks.
Unfortunately, OM will be introduced in his new "role" as soon as the ink is dry. S4 asked me a few days ago about "getting sisters"
Unfortunately, we still live in the same house and will be for quite some time.
Fortunately, I have this board for support. Fortunately, this pain will eventually lessen.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
As long as you live in the same house, and/or are legally married, you can ask you lawyer to request (and the judge will back you up) that your kids are not exposed to your wife's paramours (OM, f*ck-buddies, soul-mates, latest squeezes, etc.). Talk to your lawyer about that.
Yeah, dude, broken homes are nightmares. You can't stop that. Our society doesn't value the nuclear family or fatherhood anymore. Nothing can stop your wife from wrecking your children's lives.
Did you hear me? You can't stop your wife from bringing a sh*t-storm to your kid's lives.
Nor can you stop your kids from getting hit by a bus, or getting on a plane that will crash.
You can't.
Sorry but that's true.
Let me correct myself....
Well...to be fair,God can do that. Ask him. Pray. But then he's not a cosmic bell-hop. Sometimes he does what we ask, sometimes he doesn't. He's all knowing, all-wise, all-powerful and all that. He also works things out in very strange, but ultimately perfect time-lines that leave us dumbfounded and furious. But then he's God and we're not. But since he is in control of everything, check in with him once in a while. And..just to cover your bases: ask. Ask him to turn the situation around. Ask him for your wife's repentance. Ask for the impossible. You may get what you ask for, or you may not, but last time I checked prayer always gives you something. Maybe that something is more important than what you think you really need.
Maybe it's a liberating thought to realize you have no control over your wife's actions.
Maybe work on what you do have control over:
1. You can try to prevent yourself from de-railing emotionally and becoming road-kill.
2. You can live a joyful, rich life full of purpose, delight and integrity.
3. You can get your groove back.
4. You can be the rock for your children.
5. You can flourish in business and have a great career.
6. You can make a difference in the world by heling heal it's hurts and wounds. Look up the Hebrew phrase "Tikkun Olam". Devote yourself to that.
7. You can earn your black-belt in Okinawan, bad-a$$ Karate or some other lethal martial art. You can become a living, breathing, weapon. Dunno what it's good for, but heck, I would like to be living and breathing weapon.
8. You can climb mountains and see the horizon above the tree-line in the mystic alpine zones of the Rockies, Cascades, Alps or Himalayas.
9. You might be able to fall madly in love with someone worth spending your life with. Someone who takes your breath away.
10. You can learn a new language and open yourself to a whole new group of people and places.
That's my top-ten for now. ;-)
And if you do some of those things, you will be the kind of person your kids will be able to trust, lean on, wonder at and imitate. The better YOU are, the better they will be.
They need a better role model than your wife who wants to trade her family for a f*ck-buddy.
As I've said before, thank you so much for your thoughts on this. Just like the rest of us here, getting support from all of you is so important and greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I know I can't stop it and you're right, that is oddly liberating. It's making it slightly easier to walk away.
I've never been very religious but have always believed...if that makes sense. The only other time I've prayed this much was when S4 was born (10 weeks premature). It does give me something, it's weird, I can't explain it. It's calming in a way, knowing I'm giving it all away to someone/something else.
Your list is great. I made up one similar a few weeks ago, here are a few.
1. Write a new album (was in a band for 11 years, two released albums...ironically, many songs about the situation I'm currently in...life imitates art I guess)
2. Learn Krav Maga.
3. Go to weekly Italian meetup groups in the city.
4. IC once or twice a month.
5. Take a solo trip to Italy when stbxw takes kids on vacation.
6. Volunteer at church 2x a month.
7. Train for the big 10 mile race in town.
Your #9. That sounds fantastic
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
As long as you live in the same house, and/or are legally married, you can ask you lawyer to request (and the judge will back you up) that your kids are not exposed to your wife's paramours (OM, f*ck-buddies, soul-mates, latest squeezes, etc.). Talk to your lawyer about that.
Yeah, dude, broken homes are nightmares. You can't stop that. Our society doesn't value the nuclear family or fatherhood anymore. Nothing can stop your wife from wrecking your children's lives.
Did you hear me? You can't stop your wife from bringing a sh*t-storm to your kid's lives.
Nor can you stop your kids from getting hit by a bus, or getting on a plane that will crash.
You can't.
Sorry but that's true.
Let me correct myself....
Well...to be fair,God can do that. Ask him. Pray. But then he's not a cosmic bell-hop. Sometimes he does what we ask, sometimes he doesn't. He's all knowing, all-wise, all-powerful and all that. He also works things out in very strange, but ultimately perfect time-lines that leave us dumbfounded and furious. But then he's God and we're not. But since he is in control of everything, check in with him once in a while. And..just to cover your bases: ask. Ask him to turn the situation around. Ask him for your wife's repentance. Ask for the impossible. You may get what you ask for, or you may not, but last time I checked prayer always gives you something. Maybe that something is more important than what you think you really need.
Maybe it's a liberating thought to realize you have no control over your wife's actions.
Maybe work on what you do have control over:
1. You can try to prevent yourself from de-railing emotionally and becoming road-kill.
2. You can live a joyful, rich life full of purpose, delight and integrity.
3. You can get your groove back.
4. You can be the rock for your children.
5. You can flourish in business and have a great career.
6. You can make a difference in the world by heling heal it's hurts and wounds. Look up the Hebrew phrase "Tikkun Olam". Devote yourself to that.
7. You can earn your black-belt in Okinawan, bad-a$$ Karate or some other lethal martial art. You can become a living, breathing, weapon. Dunno what it's good for, but heck, I would like to be living and breathing weapon.
8. You can climb mountains and see the horizon above the tree-line in the mystic alpine zones of the Rockies, Cascades, Alps or Himalayas.
9. You might be able to fall madly in love with someone worth spending your life with. Someone who takes your breath away.
10. You can learn a new language and open yourself to a whole new group of people and places.
That's my top-ten for now. ;-)
And if you do some of those things, you will be the kind of person your kids will be able to trust, lean on, wonder at and imitate. The better YOU are, the better they will be.
They need a better role model than your wife who wants to trade her family for a f*ck-buddy.
Be that role model.
Strength and Honor,
--Theoden
2015's first "Four Whistles" Award. Amazing post, Theo!!!
You are going to be OK. You already sound stronger and more purposeful than your first post in this forum.
Not only that, but I really like you. You sound like a great guy -- the kind of guy I would hang out with, and who I think would have my back. We all deserve people like that in our lives. I hope you begin to see your how valuable and amazing you are. Your kids need you to be that, and I'm sure your friends and family will appreciate your flourishing.
