a young marriage in trouble

[lnlyshp]

mahhhty, I understand now. Thank you for the insight. That is one thing I need to work on as well. I need to stop "giving her ammo". I also need to focus more on the process instead of dwelling on the outcome. That's a tough mindset to wrap my head around, but I understand the logic. "Love Languages" also seems like a great book for me. Thanks for the advice, my friend.

Vanilla, I hope you're right. Sometimes I feel like, although I am getting healthy physically, I am not emotionally healing as I should. I still allow her bad attitudes and occasional rudeness affect my emotions, which I know is a no-no. Detaching is a very tough process for me. I feel like I have reached a plateau sometimes, that this is the best it is ever going to be.

[Vanilla]

Detaching is a process Ins. Like a. Muscle it gets stronger with use and practice.

This too will pass, and everything shifts.

Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

You ok Ins?

V

[lnlyshp]

Hi vanilla.

I'm doing okay, I suppose. Just no movement in any direction with W. Positive interactions when we exchange S but nothing from her that tells me she wants anything to change. I think she likes things better this way - having the freedom of being single, only having to watch S on certain days.

Not sure what else to do. I am still working in the gym, I am still in counseling (although I have gone from weekly to biweekly visits in order to have more to talk about), I am still trying to GAL. And yes, I am still talking with my new friend.

Don't really know where or how to go from here besides to keep on keeping on.

- ship

[Vanilla]

Ins

This is still very early stages of DB. DB will make you a stronger and more capable father. I am glad things are more peaceful for you even if that is less eventful with W.

Keep posting to us as eventually things will move on to a new place.

It's great news on the GAL, it will help you move on.

Have you had the exam results yet? How did that go? When is the end of your student days?

Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

Thank you for the encouragement, Vanilla. I did well in all my classes, I start again later this month. Thank you for asking.

Negative interaction with W today. The NFL playoffs were on today and I had made plans to leave my house around 10:30 (the first game started at 11, I'm in Mountain time). I didn't think this would be a problem as I picked him up at 10:30 yesterday and that is our typical exchange time during the weekends. She got upset because she wanted to go to the grocery store first (which honestly she could have done yesterday on her day away from S, but I didn't bring that up). I told her I would appreciate if she picked him up before then or I could even drop him off if that made it easier for her. She got annoyed and left to pick him up.

When she got here, we got him set up in the car and I told her I needed to talk to her. Told her I can no longer be the bad guy in this situation. That it wasn't fair that she hears one thing that she doesn't like and shuts off all conversation. Told her I can not go for the rest of my life walking away from exchanging son feeling bad about myself. Told her that her saying something hurtful to me and then walking off is not conducive to a good relationship. She responded that "we've never had a good relationship." Told her that was a hurtful thing to say, that I didn't agree and that she married me for a reason besides having a S, but that I wasn't about to try and change her mind. Told her that even if that was true, that we need to have a good relationship now for S sake. Eventually got fed up and told her that I would pick him up later tonight and walked away (as I could feel myself feeling very hurt and angry).

She texted and said she was sorry, that I was right that we do need to try and have a good relationship, that she was just having a bad day and that's why she was being nasty. She also said that we need to talk about where we are going and possibly about putting S in daycare because she feels he needs consistency in his routine. I didn't reply. She texted later and asked what time I'm picking him up. Still haven't replied to that one, either. I am too angry right now to communicate with her.

I like the thought about daycare, but as I am not working, I'm not sure I will be able to pay half and still pay rent to my family and various bills.

I do not like the idea of us talking about "where we are going", as I'm sure I know what that conversation entails (divorce). I realize that it is a necessary discussion, but I dread having it none the less. I need to think about responses rather than reactions.

I don't know what to do. I've gone to the gym already to try and work out anger. Didn't work. Still frustrated. Still can't understand how she can say "We've always had a bad relationship." Can't stand her attitude. I want her out of my life, but I know that is not possible.

I know I am not doing very good at DB. I respect everyone that does - because you must have so much patience.

- ship

[Vanilla]

ins
You may not see this but you are doing well. Better than you see yourself doing and because we are impartial notice how things are. You achieved the required result an acknowledgement that handover interactions need to improve. Seems good to me.

It is absolutely correct to define your boundaries, when W says something which is inconsistent with your behaviour then you can define the boundary. There are many wonderful examples on the site of enforcing boundaries.

You can start with an I statement and then proceed with describing the behaviour which gives you concern and then a consequence. Ins check out some of the detachment discussions here on the board.

Your thread is approaching 100 posts and will lock. It would be best to start a new one before it does. You can link back to your old thread. A new thread is an important milestone, especially your first as it shows you are serious in your DB efforts. It is clear that you are learning and working your sitch very well.

Anger is very difficult to resolve and is yet another step in the process. Becoming more detached will reduce the anger. Ins you are a role model for young fathers and your connection with your son will be lifelong. Detach to achieve your goals to enable co parenting your little S.

Your student years are precious and will end soon enough, so I am pleased your exams went well despite the difficulties.

Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

Took a big step today (to me anyway) by logging onto FB for the first time since she left and updating my relationship status. Saw she had changed her name (deleted my last name). I felt as if keeping my status as "Married to W" was lying to myself in a way. I also unfriended her and plan to speak to her about this in time to explain that it is not an act of anger but rather something that I need to do in order to move on.

Posted a short status explaining that she and I are no longer together, that we have not been since November, and thanking everyone who has supported me during this difficult time.

I am not sure this is the right move to "save" my relationship, but this was more about me. I don't want to go the rest of my life being afraid of logging onto FB. I'm not a big user anyway but it is a nice tool to stay in contact with old friends.

It is time to accept that W is STBXW.

Like I read in the detachment thread, it is time to let her go, work on myself and say a prayer to the universe that one day we will find our way back to each other.

- ship

[Vanilla]

Ins

Detachment is about letting go of the outcome but generally different to letting go of the person.

If you wish to use FB (I confess not my choice), then change your status. Unfriending W Can be a good move for detachment. It is more the comments you make that can be damaging, FB is very public. So be careful, because what you write is not anonymous and can be interpreted in many ways. So be sure what you write is not seen as vegeneful. It is best to always take the high road, and see everything in the best light possible on these public forums. It is hard to reverse this and future employers, partners and friends can research you through FB.

You can be Ins and still be detached, you can do this for you. The Ins I know is gentler and more positive. I would like you to present yourself in this way to the world, through FB as I see Ins.
Vanilla

[MrBond]

Detaching is one thing but posting your situation for all the world to see is a bad idea. I would delete that post if I were you.