The book of Lou - Chapter 2

[123Gwen]

You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for Lou. You can't just get over this sort of thing you have to slog your way through the mess and the muck. Crying and facing it all is ultimately a good thing for you. It's ok to have those moments. You can tell a friend or keep it to yourself. There really aren't any rules except to be kind to yourself. Above all please try to be kind to yourself.

I am envious of your plans to travel. Where would you want to go first. The UK is a fabulous base for all sorts of great adventures. you have Europe in your backyard. A different country every month!

[LouR]

Thank you kml and Gwen -

I do listen to you and try to take on board advice and put it into practice - especially the GAL stuff - I feel I seem to be repeating myself a lot - sorry.

I know I am not kind to myself - its something that does not come natural to me - as like most mums I have always put myself last in the queue, everyone else comes first.

I do know that its shock - the shock of it happening out of left field; people say to me - there must have been signs - but there really wasn't and I know only those here know exactly what I mean by that and believe it.

I know its grief - at the loss of my m and my h and my bf.

I know its me having to discover ME and who i am and what I want.

And I know there is an element of depression sitting there like a cloud and I am fighting so hard to not let it drape its darkness upon me and envelop me in its sadness.

So I am listening to you all, you are the only ones who truly understand what I am feeling and what has happened to my H and M. I appreciate you all giving me your support so thank you.

Gwen - I have not made any travel plans yet, just know that I want to do it .....no ...I AM going to do it. I need to decide how long I want to be away for and where I want to go. On the list - I would love to see the Northern Lights ,Ice Skate in Central Park, Go to the Ice Festival in China, Alaska, Niagara Falls, Grand Canyon, Rockies. Trek to base camp Everest. Do an Eat Love Pray trip ha ha ..... hmmmm. Asia, Africa, South America, learn to sail and crew on a boat somewhere exotic, learn to ski ...the list goes on and on and on lol.

The office job just rang me - they want a c.v sent off to them - so bang goes that job :o( this is where I fall down, every time - they want experience, but no one will give me experience. Catch 22. I have even offered my services for free so I can get experience, but I get looked at most strange as if to say - why would you want to work for free !! Ahhhhhh

Character Building ......

[123Gwen]

Character building... If I had a dime for every time I whispered those words to myself I would be rich.

The thing is Lou -- what sets you up for success is that you look for the light in the midst of pitch black dark. It is what will help you find the your way eventually. I think that when you are rejected it is the universe telling you wrong direction, try again . --- it is hard to deal with it emotionally but spiritually I think that is your core belief too.

Don't let anyone or anything dull your sparkle today. I got a job after being a stay at home wife and mother and you will too. The right job is not ready for you yet. For some reason I think you are too lively for an office. I know you need a job but what would your ideal job look like? Winning the lottery does not count.

Is it inside or outside? Regular hours or flexible between days and nights? Physically demanding or more of a cerebral kind of job? Dealing with the public?

Try to figure that out and maybe it will help you as you draw your map in the Book of Lou Chapter 2.

PS- I miss my old life too. I miss my H. Not this stranger but the man I married. He texted yesterday about ins. And my heart skipped a beat then I realized it wasn't the man I married just this stranger. I almost cried but then I didn't cry. Progress is measured by baby steps. Hug yourself. Cry if you need too but take care of you. You are worth it!

[nero]

hilou

boy, do i ever relate. just reading your notes makes me remember how raw and painful it all was. i was like, laying on the floor bleeding. people stepping over me- didn't know, probably didn't care. it's awful when your life is ripped to bits and the world goes on- nobody knows - how can they.

made me remember times i didn't know how to comfort others, til it happened to me. oh well huh? life- it's a mess sometimes.

now that i say it- i probably can't think of a magic word here to comfort you. the pain is intolerable- but you do, we all do - til it's less. idk how , honestly.

yay for your friend and yoga class. staying in room - it stinks for sure- but it's "something". save your strength and resources- you can do it. nothing seems fair - it's being destroyed makes every single thing seem bigger.

i am surprised that in all this- the last six or seven or four years my friends have really carried me thru and this forum. family- not so much My life (and me) has been changed in every regard - completely by all this. you certainly are very very new to this- tho it feels like a stinkin eternity. be easy on y ourself- you sound good like your head is on straight. more lucid i'm sure than me. i shudder to think- i will never ever go look at my beginning threads - poor pitiful sufferin woman that i was. do not want to look there ever again.

hang on to your hat- it's probably got sooooo much longer to go- if you look ahead you'll die on the spot today. tune it out- past, future - sounds cheesy- but just shoot for one foot in front of other- do those stomach crunches if you have to so you don't think while walking - and don't think.

do you know what makes me sleep - you'll love this - old old re-runs i recorded of "last of the summer wine". i put that show on- i force myself to keep eyes open and watch and it puts me into a coma - no kidding. make it loud enough so you can hear with working to do so- and ta da. i think it's the only thing i have to thank for any sleep in past five years. my secret weapon. without those tapes- so little sleep i want to kill myself - . any minute you can not think of h and sitch and what the hell happened to your entire life? the better.

it stinks - all the people saying all the junk we all say- trying to be helpful and sounding like a chorus of parrots.

so- what a miserable ray of sunshine i am- huh? i wish i had some rosey and quick stuff to say- to look forward to - but not so much. it all happens in it's own time if it's going to.

it's hell- it will be for a prety long time - but who knows- perhaps you'll find a lovely man washed up on teh beach that adores you- tonite??!! woo hoo. anything really is possible - NOT PROBABLE, but possible. you never do know...

and then, there's just get thru today- there is really no alternative and one of these lyears you will realize you didn't think about it andeven felt - one tiny teeny drop - of "absence of pain". not even feeling good - but for one minute you won't feel like ya might die of it all and fall into the ground- woo hoo.

sounds like shooting soooo low- but imho - . mwd was so right when she said it's a long long process and feels a million times longer.

i'm surprised to find myself feeling "content" yesterday and today. day before that i was spinning out of control with anger over this tax form and broken printer and stinkin family (how come everything is my job???) and totally mad as heck - - - wtf????/ last nite i visited neighbor girl - whose h is an alcoholic (youg nice guy) with liver damage (already) , her mom is gone, her family home needs to be cleared out- her brotehr died alcohol four yrs back or so, her dad a couple yrs ago- she's left alone but has a fav nephew (he's having depression and worrying her) - no kids - i chat with her- we laugh like heck over dopey stuff - we relate, it's been a long long 6 or so yrs from her mom's stroke and wehen we became friends. you know- prop each other up. she lived out of her house for three years w hile her h had an afffair a bunch of yrs back and mlc - then they managed to get back together. what a giant messy life story for such a pleasant and non-descript girl -

it amazes me - it fortifies me- as i said- we've been propping each other up for years here. i realize by comparison, mhy life is easier today for me than her's seems - so everyone alive i think has their "junk" (at sometime). nobody escapes- maybe this is just your turn and my turn and blah blah blah.

i think it's the peculiar aspect of being so troubled - that it feels like NO ONE is there for you. ALONE - big time. i think it's just the nature of tragedy-

thank goodness for your buddy and summer job to look forward to. i'm picturing robin hood's bay/ or blackpool? weston super (night)mare; skye; a bazillion beaches & shores - or some place on north coast of scotland once; or east anglia - can't remmeber all the names but can picture the coasts. . what beach town are you in? i'm curious as heck. maybe i can actually visualize you trudging forward - we used to go to uk for a month every yeear for 10 or 15 years, drive around, stay in b&bs - it was great. many many happy memories. i love england - you have best pastry in world. i can never get over every little tiny place having a bakery with wonderful cream goodies. i sew, paint, garden, create, cook, homey girl- travel girl- family girl (well, was), etc. i love the traditional seeming life there.

i fantacize about running away- but know my "problems" will still exist. no solution no matter where. tho, who kn ows in future -

it's such a drag - the people who "advise & push", like your sil. . they just don't get it. everyone wants to fix you up really really fast so it doesn't inconvenience them (you know, knowing about it(your pain) - feelin bad for you- and they can tra la on with a clean conscience. it's a pain in everyone's neck- you sufferin- so just cheer the heck up - so you can make everyone else feel good - rite... that's rotten- lots of people really really care i know- want you to be happy- but it's a non-fixable thing. nobody can except h- and they are nuts at moment and do not care.

i hate being a non-entity to h. i hate his indifference - well back when he was much much worse than now- it cut like a knife. even yelling at me would have been interaction- being ignored is the cruelest thing..... it is a testament to our inner strength and self-worth that we endure this all and come thru alive. and we do- you sound like you will -

i'm sure alot of my problems with my one angry-as-heck-sister is that she cannot tolerate that i didn't ditch h as soon as she told me to - and move down to her town with my mom (???!!!) no one in my family could ever consider really living with my mom. she was toooo tough to deal with in later years. me included. she was there and would save any of us with a place to lvie- but would you want to do it to yourself? not unless truly at the end of your rope. well, that and being mom's helper - i was the conduit - you know the drill - "kill the messenger" kind of thing.

at least your brother is a place to be for the moment. as with my h - back then - i'd tell myself every single day - "just get thru the day - you can always walk out tomorrow" it was my matra. so it is with your room. you can do it.

okay- i'm outta here - need to go get on with day. sorry for notmuch really concrete wisdom to lay on you. you do sound like you're hanging on th0- so yay you. i'm jealous as heck that you're in england and not me. who knows, maybe someday before i die i'll go travel all alone and enjoy it- . hey, i might....

hang on- best of luck- at some point you will begin to have people tell you their 'stories" - out there in real life- and you'll begin to realize there is "this" mlc - allllover the place. i feel less like a freak and "what did i do wrong". i do believe we didn't break them- we can't fix them.

can we wait it out- do the "time" - idk- we[ll see huh? yopu're in good company.]

xxoo

[LouR]

Thank you Gwen and nero

Don't let anyone or anything dull your sparkle today. I got a job after being a stay at home wife and mother and you will too. The right job is not ready for you yet. For some reason I think you are too lively for an office. I know you need a job but what would your ideal job look like? Winning the lottery does not count.

Is it inside or outside? Regular hours or flexible between days and nights? Physically demanding or more of a cerebral kind of job? Dealing with the public?

Gwen - You are so right, I am not an office person but at this point I am anything anyone wants me to be if they will give me a job !!

My ultimate goal is to buy a small cottage with lovely gardens and open a tea rooms/gardens - serving traditional high tea (mini sandwiches and cakes on tiered stands), selection of teas, cakes and Devon cream teas - making my own clotted cream. Homemade ice-creams and gelato. - and yes I need to win the lottery to make it happen !!!

i'm picturing robin hood's bay/ or blackpool? weston super (night)mare; skye; a bazillion beaches & shores - or some place on north coast of scotland once; or east anglia - can't remmeber all the names but can picture the coasts. . what beach town are you in? i'm curious as heck. maybe i can actually visualize you trudging forward - we used to go to uk for a month every yeear for 10 or 15 years, drive around, stay in b&bs - it was great. many many happy memories. i love england - you have best pastry in world. i can never get over every little tiny place having a bakery with wonderful cream goodies. i sew, paint, garden, create, cook, homey girl- travel girl- family girl (well, was), etc. i love the traditional seeming life there

Nero - I live in Devon (not sure I am allowed to say where on here - don't want to get in to trouble) I live in a small village - mainly surfers and the bucket and spade brigade. The main beach is 3 miles long and then smaller coves dotted along the coast. Its set in a valley of green hills and in a lovely bay. Cream teas and pasties. It definitely not Blackpool - which is fish & chips, knotted hanky hats and amusement arcades. England does have some very beautiful places and I am fortunate to live in one of them.

i fantasize about running away- but know my "problems" will still exist. no solution no matter where. tho, who knows in future -

Have you ever watched Eat Pray Love ? I dont think its running away from our problems - I think it is to help us find the answers. I am told that travel is good for the soul - that you return as a different person to the one that left. Nero this could be the answer you are looking for - lets go .........

Nero - I left NZ to heal, to rebuild myself with solid foundations, to find out who I am and what I want. I hope I will return next year a stronger, more confident and focused person - I left h too it, left him to live his craziness. Who knows where this is all going - h may find his happy place, ow may turn out to be his soul mate and they spend the next 40yrs loved up - Or he could realise that the grass is not greener and regret throwing our m into a grinder. I dont know. But I am trying (in my very haphazard way) to act upon advice I get from here - GAL, stop pursuing, stop being his fixer and focus on me. Then if he comes out of his fog and wants to reconcile with me, then I will be in a better place, a stronger place, I will be back in control ......that's the theory ..... hope maybe one day I will see if it works in practice

[123Gwen]

You are doing great Lou. You have had major stress and change in your life. Most people would still be in a puddle. Just as an observer it sounds like you are onto something with your relative's coffee cafe. Also any of the courses your cousin told you about and that online stuff.

Could you do something like dog walker/pet sitting? Not forever but just to earn some money to help fund the tuition for those courses? Just thinking that all that walking might be fun with a furry friend. If you got a few clients you can make your own hours and decide which clients you will take on. It is low overhead to get things started.

Just thinking I desperately need to make money but more than anything I realized I need to feel like I am running towards something rather than feeling discarded. Does that make sense?

[LouR]

Thanks Gwen

Just thinking I desperately need to make money but more than anything I realized I need to feel like I am running towards something rather than feeling discarded. Does that make sense

You are very right - I don't think its about the money anymore, its become about validation.

I know that I am starting to be obsessed with changing my life 180o. It really dawned on me this morning so I asked myself why - why do I feel the NEED to get to the point where I am living life to the max.

So here is some honesty for you -

- he is out there having this wonderful, fun filled, exciting life. He is having the experience of new love and passion. He is living it and i am missing out - I want it, but I want it better than him. When he has a down period in his life, I want him to look across to me and see this amazing life I have built for myself and have him see what he threw away - someone who is happy, who is living her dreams, someone strong, sexy and beautiful. I want him to see that and feel regret.

It is also about "what if" what if he does come out of this MLC and looks over at me - I am sure that seeing a broken woman in a mess is not appealing - I want him to want me and do anything to get me, as I am worth that, I deserve that. I want to be so absorbed with my own life that if he does want to come back to me then it will be on my terms - not me running straight to him, arms open, saying "of course darling, when can I move in" - which is what it would be right now !!

My brother talked me down yesterday - I applied for a job in a bigger town 30mins away - he asked me how I was going to get there each day as buses are not reliable. I said I would get a car - he pointed out all the costs that went with that and on a minimum wage job I would not be coming out with much at the end of the week so saving will be a struggle so I could kiss goodbye to the travel plan. He reminded me I have only been here 3 weeks and had Christmas and NY in that time. That I have already completed my paperwork list I came with, got in touch with and seen many of my old friends and organised a trip away to see one. Joined a yoga group, started job hunting, off rollerskating tonight, been out some nights - once on my own - I have walked everyday, have been invited skiing in Feb for week, I have babysat, started landscaping my friends' garden, I have thought about my future plans and been proactive all the way.

His point was that I need to slow down - allow the process to happen without force - allow the process of getting over h, allow the process of getting back into the world and life - to all happen without force. He said that I have a roof over my head, no bills to pay and food in the cupboard, I have friends and family to support me - just stop worrying about jobs and money and future plans - no one knows what is around the corner.

I know he is right - it takes a 2x4 periodically. I think boredom has a lot to do with it - I am an active person, always have been, so I am struggling with not having constant things to do.

Right, well off for a walk - maybe the last time I can after rollerskating tonight lol.

Thanks for taking time to read and support, I really do appreciate it. Stay strong - we will make it :o) ((hugs))

[123Gwen]

I like your brother Lou...

[job]

Lou,
Your brother is right...slow down and take it one day at a time. Yes, you need to find a job, but give yourself a little bit of time to wind down from the move and the holidays. Something will come along when you least expect it.

I'd like to say this, your h may appear to be having the time of his life, but it's a façade. As for the ow, it's not passion, she is just "new", nothing more, nothing less. Sure he's doing things, but I can assure you, once the shine has worn off whatever he's doing, it will become boring, etc. He's trying to recreate his youth and we all know that you can't go back in time w/o consequences. So, even though he appears to be having the time of his life, certainly wouldn't want to be walking in his shoes. I'd rather see you create your own life and adventures and still be rational then in fantasyland because the coaster will eventually crash for him and then what does he have? He will have spent his money, the ow may or may not still be w/him, if he marries her, well, they may eventually resent each other and yes, he will have lost the best things that were in his life, i.e., you, the relationship and family. So, please do not be fooled by appearances.

Have you given any thought to doing some volunteer work at the local hospital or senior citizen's home? Maybe volunteer at the local library or school? These would not only provide you w/some activities to keep you busy, but also give you experience as well.

Take care of yourself and please try not to rush the process. You are grieving and it does take time.

[nero]

hey hi-


you know, i don't mean to be bossy or preachie - i'm jsut tryin to convey that someday in the future , (i believe) you'll probably get to a point of feelin less awful - it just begins to happen on it's own, even after soooo long and so much pain in beginning (years) for me anyway. I just know that all of a sudden i'm feeling waay less emotionally "involved" in what h is doing - (tho i know & hate when he's with ow - now it seems a bit "outside" of me - and i'm surprised even that it doesn't send me into the sort of tailspin like olden times. it's approaching 4 yr since i found out. feels like 50.

(i do reserve the right to be a screaming whining mess tomorrow should something new arise - i am not claiming total "victory" (YET)...I'M Just sayin - this minute it's new and i appreciate it.

your son that's staying with H is probably just adapting best he can to where he finds himself. no one ever ever ever is as good as or as important as "the mom". he's there tho, and has to cope with it &keep peace in his own little life. you're very lucky to have your kids. (probably my bigest poor move in life - no kids - well, non-move). oh well -

back at your stage (for me) i just "kept busy" and tried not to think. just move move move - keep breathin - sheesh. i shudder to think back. if you're alive and here- you're doing great. i'm not kidding

oh geeez - look - i'm even eating fudge with my cofee- how decadent and gross - i am a free girl this morning. I tried beginning to read eat , love pray- but couldn't get going. I do adore italy tho- that's another fantasy altogether - spent a few months kicking around back in my youth once - italian men and red-haired women. very interesting to be so "pursued" when back in america my sister was always the beautiful one that everyone wanted. it got old tho after awhile. who would ever think? a little life lesson about thinking other person has something you want. nothing is what it seems out there. fun tho for a bit...

Everyone i know that is beautiful has a bunch of "issues" about their self-worth because of it people only want them for face) . life is so wierd- you'd think being beautiful or rich or brilliant would be the "cure" rather than the problems in life. not so much, it seems to me.

i'm probably wacky here- but i'm just kinda smart, kinda okay looking, kinda thin, kinda t his and kinda that- it's alright. i'm good with me - ms moderate. big big emotions make me nervous. my h is "stinkin brilliant" - ha, what a mess emotionally tho.

i don't know what either of us are doing (really) "about" this r - but don't care just now. it's very nice . i am not sure what exactly is going on- but it is better than dreading everything or worrying. my mom passed away -I made it thru the holidays - no attacks from sisters (well, the 2 that have big issues with me) - a tiny success...

i do actually feel like my "new life" is beginning - but it's more in my head than anything anyone can see - even me. a feeling. i just feel differently- all on it's own - and i even wonder what i'll do next. i think H/people were/are trying to change me in response to THEIR problems. (geeee could it be because everyone alive i know wants to BLAME ME FOR THEIR crappola??? I am a very (maybe willing) doormat - i'm workin on being more forceful butstilln ice & caring. i'm not buying it - i'm more patient (good) and less verbal (good) but i'm me still. i have to fight feeling suspicious now tho, the old "been burned".

my expectations of others are at an all-time low- good or bad, idk. part of this process? (as in "trust the process?" idk - hey- maybe i'm just realizing that if no expectations - no disappointments - and it's become incorporated in who i am NOW. (oh boy - is "new me" emerging slowly. (like a big fat catapiller from a big fat cacooooon? ) hey - I think i need to make a collage of that- big lumpy hairy wormie body with my face on it -ha)wait- isn't that before the butterfly? science? not my strong point.

i do wonder if h packs it in for good with me - will i go thru all that again? i don't think i could ever be as surprised and miserable as i was - i've become more accustomed to the notion of being on my own and i'll endure whatever happens and get thru it. i feel loosely optimistic, yet apathetic about the future - (oh yeah- - whoever said whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger sure knew what they were talking about). that's exactly how it feels.

I left NZ to heal, to rebuild myself with solid foundations, to find out who I am and what I want. I hope I will return next year a stronger, more confident and focused person

you're sure puttin some pressure on self to figure allll that out - and all in a year... I know we're supposed to have a plan - not my strong point ... do you see NZ as your "home" and where you'd ultimately like to "settle". or do you see uk as your "home" and where you would like to settle in life - just curious. about "rebuild self" ? are you a totally bombed out building or still standing. i think now in terms more of uncovering our old self - shake off the dust - see what's good (probably most of who you are/were - and tweak a few bits. did that make sense?

I guess what i really have here - maybe this is what i've "discovered" about me and who i am, etc. (it's a humble discovery tho- no fireworks) - is that no matter what happens -i'll cope. if feeling all this didn't kill me- i don't think anything will. I look around me at my mom & sisters and even the jerks carry on - find jobs - stay alive - etc. all around us - women, friends we'd never ever suspect - do it, rise above it- there are soooooo many heroic women (and men) out there in their little chunks of the universe. that's the value of sharing our story w/others - they tell us and we get to be amazed and fortified by alllll the quiet little victorious life stories allll around us - everywhere.


i'm soo jealous. your village sounds wonderful - i'm thinking doc martin mixed up with the beach in ballykissangel and clovelly. so wow - nice place to be.

walkin really helps me - get out- move - & keep movin. i've been "movin" like crazy since my sister died - i find it hard to concentrate and focus now and be still - that the big big "emergencies" are over (well, still 2 houses to empty and sell, etc.) (minefield of sisters ) but that seems waaay less important compared to someone's elses life always in jeopardy.

just clean-up crappola - big job - but not someone's life or death anymore. i just can't get serious about it. Nothing now seems getting hepped over- even my own sitch and "resolution" - time is all of a sudden quietly going on by- it's nice, the lack of outside stress. i think my own life and r and this giant mess is something all of a sudden like a storn "outside" the house. i'm wierdly peaceful feeling inside so i'm takin it.

who knows what will come along to set me spinning out of control.

i don't know if it helped or hindered my decision making process - the fact that we each have a house we consider mostly our own to go to. spend alot of time apart- it's both good and bad. like you - i tend to head for "family" in times of trouble. my sisters expressing their hate freaked me out. i hate total detachment from EVERYONE in world - maybe why f still feels like my security blanket. if he'll be it- i still need it for awhile yet.

geeez your brain sounds so like mine- your words & feelings - i sure wish i had some quick-fix wisdom to dispense. i don't - sadly. i still get whipped up sometimes - outraged - so infrequently now tho. i have been away from forum for awhile- it's okay for me to not think about it all. don't think about solution (none quickly) , future, etc. takes the pressure off . (that's what wakes me at nite- my brain demanding i DO something- decide something, etc.) it was makign me quite nuts. i decided not to decide - do as mwd suggests and get my own interests and activities and quit focusing on him and r.

it's hard after a lifetime of worrying about all the other guys in your life first. I like myself well enough and am good company- but that isn't the issue is it? really. like you - he'd pop into my head a million times a day - he's part of your life. the biggest part. that doesn't disappear quickly- someone being incorporated in your life completely for soooo long.

i'm really bad with rejection and indifference. sometimes i chat with him and forget it's the huge mess it is. i don't know what the heck he thinks, probably that we'll do this forever? i'm thinkin that won't work for me. i'm keepin it to myself- ive said i hate it and he knows. - and i'm goin with that.

the job thing is a tough one. i looked really hard in beginning- thinking i'd be on street any minue. I signed up and got certified to substitute teach in schools closeby. anything in that for you??? . that way i can do it when i'm in nj - it's some spare change - and if i needed to be off becuse of my mom - or go to FL and play with the kids - i could. i like the flexibility and being around kids- they're sooo goofie and in a different world than adults. i'm pretty sick of adults and old age and "wise advice" (my own included). i did temp work in law offices - actually liked the constant change of bosses. (*i didn't think i would- but it's quite good, something different & new all the time).

no one pretty much was interested in an ancient (63) legal secretary, tho my fallback (fun) but lousy pay probably) would be to just work in a super market or home depot or something. i'd think it's fun to be around people all day. the substituting is easy as heck and no pressure. i like kids- keep them from getting into trouble and just exist and (try) to keep order.

sorry - got "rambling" and visiting with you here - i'm outta here. have a great day-think of all of us jealous of you walking on a pre tty beach in a pretty town while we're hoofing it in an (okay) busy town. i do like the houses and gardens- would kill to have a nice beach a walk away tho-

oh well huh????

xxoo - hang on man