The awakening of ME Part 2

[123Gwen]

Job is right - they seem to choose the "easiest" path but in reality they are choosing the most difficult. The inclination to run away is so great that they burn bridges and create oceans of distance from the people who are the most loving and loyal. Wherever he goes there he will be.

My H ran so far but it is easier in many ways. Change is scary but you can do this and once H sees how you are handling this change he will hopefully, eventually see the truth. Wherever he goes his issues will be.

Hang in there. Hugs.

[mleigh4]

Thanks guys, I am on the same page as all of you.

And Job - you got all of it spot on. And I mean all of it. My gut tells me that he needs to do this, and maybe I need this too otherwise it wouldn't keep coming up. Whether I like it or want it, is irrelevant. I don't want any of this to be happening, but it is, so I need to just go with it for now and keep living my life.

If he approaches me to see "how I feel about him moving out", which is exactly what he did last time, I am going to give him the same speech. That it isn't up to me, he needs to make this decision, whatever feels right and best for him. Our home is still his home and the door is open. (for now anyway :))

It isn't the end of the world for me, it's my son I worry about. He had a tough time during our last separation, getting stomach aches all the time and not wanting to go to stay at daddy's. It was not good, but I am hoping, since his main home base will be our real home, that maybe this time it will be easier for him. Also, his dad and I are way better friends right now than last time, so hopefully that will make a difference.

On to me! Tomorrow night my son and I are going to a Sharks hockey game. Go Sharks! H was supposed to take him, but he is sick, so I will!

Next weekend, I got all 3 of us (H said he wanted to go) tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters. Fun fun! And I am really happy we are going as a family.

I also booked the Legoland hotel trip for Presidents week. In spite of everything, I am feeling good and feeling positive. GAL GAL GAL

[123Gwen]

Fun! Fun! Fun!

H is participating in your life albeit sporadically and that is a positive. Hopefully your son will have an easier time this go around if H get's his own place. S living in the family home and having you and H more friendly will go a long way.

Enjoy your weekend. Can't wait to hear about Legoland. Having girls I missed out on legoland.

[AJM]

LEGOLAND is awesome! I was actually jealous that I was too big for it when I took the kids (years ago).

AJ

[mleigh4]

Too big for Legoland!!?? Never!! I am like a kid again when we go. We have so much fun, the hotel is especially cool. I can't wait!

[mleigh4]

Happy Sunday. Gotta love sleeping in until 9:30! Had a good Saturday yesterday. Met up with friends for lunch and had a good time. Afterwards it was just me and one of my closest girlfriends talking. She knows it all, about H and I and has seen and held me at my worst. She asked how I am and how things are. I told her:

You know, I am really good. Work is great, S is doing great.... My marriage is crappy right now, but it doesn't define me or control my happiness. I just want to live my life, enjoy my S who is growing up so fast, and be happy. And that is exactly what I am doing.

So she said, I just don't want you to put your life on hold for him.

I told her, Oh no, I'm not. Like I said, I am living my life the way I would with or without him. I am in no way ready for any kind of relationship, but not because I am waiting on him. Just because I got my own chit to work out. I am becoming a different person.

She said.... You DO look great! . And we gave big hugs....

And you know guys, all of that is real. It's really how I feel. In spite of all this marriage and H crap, I am happy and feel great. Life is good. A year ago I was a completely different person. I am looking forward to my continued growth this year!

Later last night, S and I went to the hockey game. Had a good time.

No further mention from H about house he found, but I feel it coming.....

H has been sick with the flu the past few days. Normally I would be fawning over him, but I just can't bring myself to. Is that mean? I pulled out some different medicines and put them on the counter for him, but that's it. No offer to get him or make him anything. Mainly because I have been busy doing my own thing. Helping him just honestly hasn't crossed my mind much, but when it does, I feel kind of guilty for not being there for him. .....

[job]

I'm glad to read that you had a good Saturday and met up w/a girlfriend. You have to have someone to talk to who is close and will truly listen. She's right about not putting your life on hold...gotta keep moving and you are doing that.

Sounds like you and your son have been busy doing fun things and enjoyed the hockey game. I like to see people getting out there and doing things w/their children.

As for your h, poor baby, he'll get over the flu in time. You did the right thing by putting stuff out on the counter for him. If he wants something to eat, he knows where to look, but I bet he's not feeling up to eating much right now any way. He's got to start learning how to take care of himself because if he moves, you won't be there to mother him.

You've done well this weekend. Keep up the good work.

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. I am feeling grounded again, high PMA.

So, last night H went out to return some things at the store. Before he left he made a point of saying where he was going, and in what town. Sigh. I hate that he thinks that is what my issue was in our last disagreement, but whatever. I didn't say anything, at least not with my mouth. No! Not my finger either I'm sure my eyes said it all.

So while he was out S and I ran to the grocery store. While out, H must have gotten back home and TM me asking if we were out to eat dinner. I told him no, although that was the plan. So H asked if he should make hamburgers. I told him we had planned on eating out. Here is where I struggled. I did not feel like inviting him. I had no desire to sit in a restaurant with him over dinner, I really wanted it to be just S and I so we could enjoy ourselves. Meanwhile, H replied back ok, he would just make something for himself. So I compromised and asked if he wanted us to bring him something home from the restaurant. He said yes and gave me his order.

So S and I had a great time. We must have played about 20 games of hangman while eating. However, the waitress was a little odd, kept saying strange things to me. Anyway, at the end of dinner, she comes over and says "I don't mean to insinuate anything, I'm not saying you are going through a divorce, but you remind me of when my parents were going through a divorce and my mom would take us out and take us on vacations and stuff." I just shook my head, said no and most likely had a look on my face like WTF? Why oh why would she say something like that in front of my son? And what if I was and we were trying to have a nice night out to not think about it!!?? Do I have future divorcee written on my head? So innappropriate, really annoyed me. I hope son didn't think anything of it.

Sure enough, S has a stomachache this morning and is home with H. I hope it's just a coincidence......

[job]

I'm very sorry that the waitress said what she did in front of your son. It was so inappropriate. For one thing, she didn't know your situation and for all she knew, you and your son were out having dinner because your h was working late, etc.

Your son needs reassurance right now and he most probably needed to be w/his father today. It will be interesting if he tells his father about the comments.

[mleigh4]

H seems to be way back in the tunnel again. Last week and so far this week, he comes home from work, says hello, and goes straight into the garage to work on his jeep. I always let him know when dinner is ready with the open option to join us and so far he has each time, then back in to the garage. Most nights he has been in there until after S and I go to bed.

I get the feeling he is thinking, thinking, thinking. I can almost see the smoke coming off his head. And ya....I don't want to get in the way of that... In fact I think it is great if he is. I wonder if he is trying to decide whether or not to take the house he found? He hasn't approached me any further about it yet. But I still plan on standing my ground, that this is his decision to make, not mine. So, I keep on keepin' on and stay out of his way. S and I have a great time watching Teen Titans and Spongebob before bed, those shows are actually really funny!

Anyhoo, my left hand has been feeling so plain since I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year. It has been bugging me, but no way am I putting back on my wedding ring. Can you imagine? I wonder what H would think of that? Lol No, not going there! But I remembered that I have a bunch of rings I have collected and kept over my younger years. I pulled them out and found a beautiful antique ring I had been given by a very sweet coworker years ago. She used to go to estate sales and buy beautiful jewelry. I put it on (my middle finger, not my ring finger) and just can't stop looking at it. My hand looks happy again!