MLC = my last chance

[sunshinelewis]

Gwen u brought a tear to my eye. Thank u so much for ur kind words. I have gotten past my ex, with God's help. When they are in no contact as weird as it may seem, it helps u get thru this so much better. Right now all my heartache comes from my son whom is now 24. I don't understand what is going on. We divorced 6 yrs ago and I know it hurt him deeply. But some days I think I can't go thru another without seeing him. I have already lost so much time with him.
Keep us in ur prayers. Are u on the alt?

Hugs

[123Gwen]

Sunshine - what is the alt? Hang in there with son. The twenties are a tricky time for young people. My brother didn't come back to his family until he was around 30-32 and now he is hosting the holiday gatherings.

It just seems like boys take longer to get comfortable in their own skin. I wonder if my H had been single longer in his twenties would he still have gone off the rails?

I know you are hurting but it sounds like you are also leaving the door open for your son. That is the most we can do. {{{hug}}}

[sunshinelewis]

Thanks Gwen. I text him often to say hello and that I love him and I am always here for him. But haven't gotten a reply in months.
The alt is Facebook.

[123Gwen]

I am so mad at myself for not being able to tell home to go to he**! I am so mad at myself because I feel discarded and I've allowed him to get away with everything because I trusted him so completely. Today I blackslid and I am at a loss. Will I ever learn to exist in this turmoil.

Before the end of year I text H about insurance to make sure it is still the same for 2015. H said it was the same and it wasn't. Still trying to sort that all out with the doctors.

Money is very tight. H automatically deposits it every two weeks but it is not enough. H never asked an amount and so I am bleeding $$$. H will not negotiate any agreement. He avoids everything just like he was a member of congress. I am paying his car payment & insurance because loan is in my name. Thank goodness mortgage is not in my name.

Mortgage was a month behind. I had to prioritize because after 6 months my savings is gone. H cleared out retirement account. I thought let mortgage company call H and maybe he'd sign the separation agreement or at least acknowledge his children and I might be struggling. I mean he left me with 2 kids, 1 dog and a big house with no money. I had no job. 1 kid in college and the other leaving in 2 years. It was crazy.

Today I thought I'd send husband a quote. Sappy but loving quote and now I see how foolish it was. I just thought NC was only helping my lawyer. I don't want to go to court. Even if he files for D I have accepted things but this avoidance is escalating things. Like this afternoon in the mail I get paperwork saying H had requested for me to get calls from mortgage company. I mean this is his loan in his name. I am living here but the payment alone is 60% of what he sends. Add in the car payment and insurance and we are in the negative real fast...

H will not negotiate in good faith. His one attempt to respond with an attorney was a joke. I sent H an email explaining myself for each part of the agreement I had drafted. H refused to respond. I am suing H and he still is not responding. I told H months ago if he acted in good faith I would withdraw the suit but I have to take care of the family.

In my state I have options but it is messy and expensive and frankly a waste of money better spent elsewhere but if H won't use any common sense I will have to go to court. It seems like I am the only person who understands this. OW may be advising him to run out the clock on D16. This advice is flawed for many reasons. H's best chance is to settle in good faith so we can all move forward. I want to set boundaries and heal.

I mean I will win in court but at what cost? airi g all of this is not good for any of us. He leaves me with no choice again and again. Was he always a narcissist? And what is wrong with me - I mean this person he has become is truly a horrible human being.

I never should have reached out. I have so far to go. H is gone, gone, gone and I am so stupid, silly stupid not to understand that.

[LoisB]

Gwen,

Start thinking of options to protect yourself and your kids. I know you have taken some action, but sounds like you will need to take some more. You can do this!

For example:

Can you sell the car? Don't make his car payment if it's impacting how the girls and you are living.

Drop him from the insurance.

File for temp support. In most states, it's free to file for child support. Don't expect him to act in good faith or with any rationale. I made that mistake. I'm still waiting on a set amount of support and it's been three years since he left.

Put on your business head and start thinking of how you can make some changes to improve your circumstances.

[LoisB]

Oh, you could call the car company/financing company and tell them the situation. Let them know you are unwilling to keep paying for this vehicle. If you give them a head's up, they may be willing to present some deal to him or help you unload it.

[123Gwen]

Maybe trying something new was not as futile as I thought. H called last night and he seemed to listen. He was depressed I could tell. Not sure what's going on but I was pleasant & said the same things about a separation agreement. I focused on the facts and kept the chit chat to a minimum. I told him as long as court was looming we would all be stressed. We discussed D16 and D19 and he said how much he missed them. I said that he needed to trust me and that his choices have created a situation that is unfair and hurtful but we must all carry on. I said I want to stop keeping score but if I have to pursue court then it is all about keeping score and he is forcing me to do that. H really seemed to listen to that point.

Yes it was a moment. H seemed depressed. I sense OW is not his BFF in the way he imagined. Real life is creeping in...grass is not greener in the desert.

Unfortunately H has never been one to reflect or communicate well. It was a shift but zero expectation it will last. I will carry on but it was a blessing to have a conversation.

Back to the "business" of life - Lois, good ideas but I am stuck with the payment until May. If I quit paying the loan it is my credit too and H would just reduce the amount he sends. I am trying to hold out so if this goes to court the judge will see amount he has been paying at least rule that amount continues on.

Thanks everyone for letting me get this all out. I never wanted to be a person who sued her H but I have no choice. it is just so difficult some days.

[job]

Gwen,
You have to do what you need to do in order to survive and take care of your children. Hopefully the judge will review the case and either rule that he continue to pay the set amount or he may increase it.

I do hope that your h will begin to communicate more w/you and listen to what you have to say. Have you thought of doing a spreadsheet of expenses and sharing it w/him so that he can see for himself what is coming in and what is going out? Sometimes when they see it in black and white they can comprehend better what is going on.

Keep up the good work. You are doing well for what you are going through.

[123Gwen]

Thanks Job. You can tell how upset I was by all the typos. Mobile device typing is a challenge. I like the spreadsheet idea. I will have to do that for the judge anyway so might as well start compiling things.

Sunshine, I thought of you today. The only way H even talked to me was because I left the door open a bit. By texting your son that is exactly what you are doing - leaving the door open. It is a brave thing not to bolt it shut when your heart is vulnerable. Stay strong.

[123Gwen]

Talked to H again yesterday. Needed to tell him about some tax info. H answered right away and it was a conversation with a beginning, middle and end. I told H I forgive him. Not sure why I told him that and I do forgive him but mainly for myself. It doesn't change anything. H is far away and has put himself in a situation that limits his options at the moment. I feel bad for him but he created the situation.

Not sure what is up with OW. I did not ask but I feel a real shift from infatuation. I sensed he was trying to empathize with me and the children. He did not seem mad at me at all. Not sure if he is being honest because I don't trust my inner voice.

He told me he sent a new response to his lawyer about the settlement. He said he directed it so we shall see. I tried very hard not to ask too many questions. One question I asked was if H had ever lied before. I told him that was the worst all the lies for months because our M was so honest for so long but then again maybe it wasn't. The way he answered never told me that he was as stunned with all the lies as I was. I told him we can't build anything built on lies and no matter how badly it hurts honesty has to happen because we all deserve honesty and respect.

We did not discuss D or R. I sense OW is becoming a real person with real issues. I assume there is still a relationship but not sure. I am the W and I do not sense that will change right away. A legal separation has to happen. Too many issues and I can't trust this man. I need to show my girls we are ok.

I keep praying H will focus on himself but not sure he has it in him. He was never good at communication. I just have to be realistic.

Just not sure how this all makes me feel. Sad? Resigned? I surrendered emotionally and forgave him for spinning out of control and destroying our life. I know that is a big step but I am not sure what it means? I don't regret saying the words- H needed to hear it if only to give him a chance to return from exile. i guess I thought it would feel more of a relief. I am so eerily calm.

Is this contentment or resignation? Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?